Ended an affair with much younger, single man and feeling completely depressed...

September 12, 2011

I have never been in this situation throughout my marriage. But, I am sure it won't happen again. I do love my H very much and find that when I do focus on him/us...I am completely happy. I just got a little sidetracked with the possibility of something new, young, and fresh and just got carried away with my emotions. I never intended to go there, but it did. I am human and it happens.

Not too sure you're taking full responsibility for your affair with that statement. Just got sidetracked? You are human and it happens? How would you feel if your husband found a younger, attractive woman, and decides to cheat on you with her? Would he be justified because he is human? Because emotions got carried away? By your logic, you'd have no right to be hurt, to be angry, because if he went that route, "it happened" because he's "human". By your logic, he should by all means go out and get his fair share because he's human.

Saying "it happens", and "you got sidetracked", belittles the seriousness of your actions It's being selfish, and downplaying your behavior. Your situation isn't about emotions getting out of control, etc. It's about you having poor boundries. You say it won't happen again, but how can you be so sure when the next younger man who comes along gets your attention?

Your husband should be told of what you've done. If not, you'd probably feel less guilty if something like this happens again. Afterall, if he doesn't know, you got away with your affair in a way, and you can use the same reasoning you've used this time around the next time.

Not to come off as being mean, but consider not making excuses for what you've done, and look into how you can own your actions to repair the damage you've done to your marriage.

September 13, 2011

curiousjane,

Why don't you enable your private messages?

September 13, 2011

Wow, you didn't receive much coddling, yet, you came back with an update. Surprising indeed.

Anyways, I have a bad feeling about this. I think down the road you will see this event in a "he doesn't know, so I got away with it" way, and think you have a free pass to do that again (and again) as long as he doesn't know about nothing.

Of course, I could be wrong. But so could you.

September 13, 2011

There are some here who listen and try to advise according to what's being said...

Of course there are others too...

Gee this sounds less like the words of a "qualified therapist" and more like a Sh*tstorm!... I think you are therapissed-off with your own relationship/cheating wife and you are projecting on this lady. If yoo are advising as a therapist, aren't you supposed to at least appear impartial? Putting onself (even hypothetically) in the shoes of of the spouse of the person you are advising
"I would not want to be the recipient of the love you provide."

Little reminder, she's not YOUR wife... Your situation cannot be fixed by telling her what to do with hers... Really, it can't...

I am not advising as a therapist and you have no clue of my relationship with my spouse so your assumptions are wrong.

Little reminder to you..I don't see her as my spouse and just so you know..my spouse is nothing like the OP.

If I am advising as a therapist I would be impartial

However her situation is one of deceit. I am always amazed at how some will come to the defense of someone in the wrong and coddle and defend the person who commits such a betrayal.

The idea of being lied to is never welcomed by anyone and it appears you want to coddle the OP to encourage her lying and betrayal.

Are you a liar and betrayer too?

Would it be any different if she was a man doing this to a woman?

Would you tell the man the same thing?

I'm not pissed off at anyone..but I sure wouldn't want to be the recipient of what the OP says is love.

True love would make her do what is fair..and right now..she is too self centered to be fair.

So thank you for trying to scold me..

A little reminder to you again..you are not my mother so take that in consideration the next time you try to "straighten" me out.

September 13, 2011

Sorry, but I get the feeling that we're not getting the entire truth here. I mean, you've spent the night at this guy's house; alone and together. You admitted the you were attracted to him. He's younger, so he has the sex drive of a rabbit and....nothing happened but some "making out" and cuddling....not really buying into it...sorry.

If my speculation is correct, I strongly suggest that you get checked out by your physician for any possible STD's.

And if I'm wrong then I apologize; however, you shouldn't have been there in the first place.

September 13, 2011

If the shoe fits, mate...

Which proves my point, you're here to criticize, judge, insult and belittle her, not help her, so don't pretend.
Her life marriage isn't yours, having a go at her doesn't change your situation, so deflecting your anger at this woman when it's really for your wife does nothing to help you. She is her, you are you.
As for being in this section or that, it doesn't matter... Anyone involved in an EMA who posts anywhere gets treated the same attacked insulted, judged belittled... I sometimes like to bring it to people's attention...
I call it bullying... like schoolyard stuff, you know? Just because a lot of people do it doesn't make it right, does it?

Actually, it doesn't prove your point. I'll be the first to admit that if a person states that they know they are going to be "bashed" because they were wrong. I WILL be the first to say, " Yes, you were wrong! This is how you went wrong. Don't BS a BS'er. Own it. This is how your BS may be feeling and if you have a snowballs chance in hell to fix this, this is how you start."

Was I cheated on? Yep, but lucky, I wasn't married. Does it make me bitter? In a way. It depends on if I can see if the poster is truely sorry for his or her actions and needs advice on how to fix it. If they are here to blameshift and try to justify their actions on why they cheated, then no. I not going to be reserved with pointing out how they went wrong until they actually see what they did wrong and they own it. Until then, they aren't offering up a foundation to build on and they're wasting their time arguing with "bitter husbands" that have been in their BS shoes.

September 13, 2011

You claim to be a therapist
you sound like a bitter husband who's been cheated on.. that's all..very different things...

BTW, she (OP) didn't offer you her love. If you're trying to "help", try doing it with humanity and humility, even Jesus didn't throw stones and HE was actually perfect...
It's like so many here who just come on her to vent/scold people... Like a Dad It's common behaviour.... not sure it's entirely helpful but perhaps a bit of "healing thyself"...
Whatever...

Sounding like a bitter husband and being one is two different things.

BTW..I wasn't asking OP for her love..just saying what she is presenting is not love..seeing that she says she loves her husband so much.

Again you are assuming.

I am not here as a therapist..so that is irrelevant..I'm expressing an opinion in which I'm entitled.

I am not throwing stones..Jesus also told the truth..where in my post do you see me telling a lie?

Yeah..the old bitter concept again....has nothing to do with being bitter, but it has a lot to do with another human being treating another with disrespect.

This is what OP is doing.

My marriage is fine..so "healing thyself" is not required for me.

If she wants to do that then fine..go to forums where that is coddled and accepted by people such as yourself.

September 13, 2011

Anyways, I have a bad feeling about this. I think down the road you will see this event in a "he doesn't know, so I got away with it" way, and think you have a free pass to do that again (and again) as long as he doesn't know about nothing.

Of course, I could be wrong. But so could you.

You've hit the nail on the head.

I see jane as an adult. She can make her own choices. And those choices will have logical enough consequences.

If somebody makes incredibly poor choices and learns from them...good.

If they learn nothing; or only learn what they want to learn, and not what they need to learn...that's to their own detriment.

September 13, 2011

LOL, that won't happen. She will keep him in the dark, therefore holding on to a continuous lie, and doesn't think he deserves to know what he is married to

Memphis Raine....you are quite judgemental! I am only stating how I feel about my personal situation....and I doubt your world is perfect and I doubt you don't do any wrong in your everyday life..which is what makes us all "human". If you say you are perfect, then you must be a robot. Being that you are so judgemental....you are already imperfect.

September 13, 2011

There are some here who listen and try to advise according to what's being said...

Of course there are others too...

Gee this sounds less like the words of a "qualified therapist" and more like a Sh*tstorm!... I think you are therapissed-off with your own relationship/cheating wife and you are projecting on this lady. If yoo are advising as a therapist, aren't you supposed to at least appear impartial? Putting onself (even hypothetically) in the shoes of of the spouse of the person you are advising
"I would not want to be the recipient of the love you provide."

Little reminder, she's not YOUR wife... Your situation cannot be fixed by telling her what to do with hers... Really, it can't...

Thanks for defending me!! Yes, it seems the most judgemental ones here have their own "sh%$" going on at home and are projecting their anger towards me. I'm only sharing my personal experience here because I felt lost at first...whether they like it or not..I'm not trying to gain their approval. I am not really interested in the negativity and bashing...like if they know me personally....and NO...it's not that I only want to hear what I want to hear (like someone said). I just want some impartial advise from people who want to understand my situation...not just judge.

September 13, 2011

Memphis Raine....you are quite judgemental! I am only stating how I feel about my personal situation....and I doubt your world is perfect and I doubt you don't do any wrong in your everyday life..which is what makes us all "human". If you say you are perfect, then you must be a robot. Being that you are so judgemental....you are already imperfect.

Okay, but you have to realize that you are on a site where a lot of us have been hurt by the actions of people that we thought loved us unconditionally!

Sorry, but your post aren't very remorseful and have a blas'e atmosphere to them.

So, the question is, are you going to come clean to your husband and confess that you we're had an emotional affair and was physically intimate with this 25 y/o?

September 13, 2011

Sorry, but I get the feeling that we're not getting the entire truth here. I mean, you've spent the night at this guy's house; alone and together. You admitted the you were attracted to him. He's younger, so he has the sex drive of a rabbit and....nothing happened but some "making out" and cuddling....not really buying into it...sorry.

If my speculation is correct, I strongly suggest that you get checked out by your physician for any possible STD's.

And if I'm wrong then I apologize; however, you shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Wow! I am surprised that you felt I had to lie about that. If shared my personal story here and told the truth...why would I lie about that? Not every affair involves intercourse. For me...it was more of an emotional thing. I'll say it again..besides sleeping in bed together and cuddeling..we've never kissed or had sex. You can believe what you want, but that's the truth.

September 13, 2011

Wow, you didn't receive much coddling, yet, you came back with an update. Surprising indeed.

Anyways, I have a bad feeling about this. I think down the road you will see this event in a "he doesn't know, so I got away with it" way, and think you have a free pass to do that again (and again) as long as he doesn't know about nothing.

Of course, I could be wrong. But so could you.

I think you are right. This survey suggests that most (70%) of the cheaters got away with it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664/

So this poster has a pretty good chance to get away with it .. If she decides to go with that route, of course.

Of course anyone is welcome to provide better statistics on the issue of being discovered.

September 13, 2011

Wow! I am surprised that you felt I had to lie about that. If shared my personal story here and told the truth...why would I lie about that? Not every affair involves intercourse. For me...it was more of an emotional thing. I'll say it again..besides sleeping in bed together and cuddeling..we've never kissed or had sex. You can believe what you want, but that's the truth.

Again, I'm sorry...I've seen too many people come here looking for help, only to find out that they haven't been too forthcoming with the truth.

Different scenario's result in different kinds of advice. And even if you were "cuddling" that's still a form of intimate contact that shouldn't happen. The best definition of cheating is if you do something with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse, that's cheating. So, lying in bed with a man that isn't your husband and cuddling....spooning...whatever, you do the math.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Chi townD

September 13, 2011

Wow! I am surprised that you felt I had to lie about that. If shared my personal story here and told the truth...why would I lie about that? Not every affair involves intercourse. For me...it was more of an emotional thing. I'll say it again..besides sleeping in bed together and cuddeling..we've never kissed or had sex. You can believe what you want, but that's the truth.

Okay, I'll bite.

Was the other younger man fully functional?

Were you?

Are you using the Bill Clinton's defense?

September 13, 2011

Okay, I'll bite.

Was the other younger man fully functional?

Were you?

Are you using the Bill Clinton's defense?

Bill clinton's defense works pretty well. Hillary stayed and he kept his job.

September 13, 2011

not for the most part, just like there are a small handful here in Infidelity that will sympathize with the cheater. just like vice versa over at OW/OM

well then advise your buddy curious that continuing to abuse her husband by continuing to lie to him by keeping him in the dark and acting like it was just a sidetrack is the wrong attitude to have if she intends to try to get away with it.

I'm glad you said that, because her chosen path of acting like it was a minor blip in the road and continuing to keep her unsuspecting husband in the dark is NOT treating him with fairness or respect, let alone the betrayal in the first place.

The respect should start there. She needs to show respect before expecting respect from anyone.

what name did I call her? and nasty? I state it in plain terms and don't sugarcoat it for anyone.

as far as what goes on in their lives? She already painted a picture of her husband as a good man. and regardless, nothing in their lives justifies her betrayal of her husband, much less her continued betrayal of keeping him in the dark about what he is married to.

Don't forget....my H is a good man...but wasn't always. He cheated on me 3 months into our marriage...when I was completely loyal and thought everything was perfect. I'm not making excuses for what I've done...I hold no resentment towards him for what he's done because I know he is truly sorry. Will he ever do it again? I hope not, but I can't say I am completely confident he won't. Same as me...I am sorry...I don't want to do it again and don't plan to. But for people to act like they know me and predict that I will is just wrong. You can only assume.

September 13, 2011

he asked me if it would have been better if he didn't tell me because I was in so much pain...and I told him yes. Sometimes things are better left unsaid...as long as you know you are remorseful and have learned something from it.

AS LONG AS...

So what did you learn?

What changes have you made in your own marriage?

September 13, 2011

Okay, I'll bite.

Was the other younger man fully functional?

Were you?

Are you using the Bill Clinton's defense?

I'm not even gonna entertain you by answering that. That's just obnoxious.

September 13, 2011

Don't forget....my H is a good man...but wasn't always. He cheated on me 3 months into our marriage...when I was completely loyal and thought everything was perfect. I'm not making excuses for what I've done...I hold no resentment towards him for what he's done because I know he is truly sorry. Will he ever do it again? I hope not, but I can't say I am completely confident he won't. Same as me...I am sorry...I don't want to do it again and don't plan to. But for people to act like they know me and predict that I will is just wrong. You can only assume.

Well, this is new info. You have forgiven? But not forgotten.

This changes the discussion dynamics somewhat I would think.

September 13, 2011

curiousjane,

Why don't you enable your private messages?

I'm not sure what you are talking about. I'm new to this forum and haven't really gotten familiar with all the features.

September 13, 2011

Well, this is new info. You have forgiven? But not forgotten.

This changes the discussion dynamics somewhat I would think.

It's not new info. I mentioned it in my first several threads...but people tend to ignore that and continue pinning me as the ultimate adulterer.

September 13, 2011

AS LONG AS...

So what did you learn?

What changes have you made in your own marriage?

Jane, your time may be better spent answering posts like this one, as opposed to those who you feel are taking a shot at you.

Because until you demonstrate some growth, you may well have some of those shots coming to you.

September 13, 2011

NO...it's not that I only want to hear what I want to hear (like someone said).

Good...you aren't going to learn anything without swallowing your pride and getting some scrapes on your knee.

In any case, it seems like you already know what you want (not telling your husband for one thing). But in case you don't...type something up. Why are you still posting here? What is your plan?

'Cause all you are doing right now is sparring with other people over the internet. Feel free to throw me into the "judgmental" bracket with everybody else but that's what you are doing.

Because until you demonstrate some growth, you may well have some of those shots coming to you.

You put it better than I. But that isn't going to happen until the "j" word stops getting thrown around.

September 13, 2011

It's not new info. I mentioned it in my first several threads...but people tend to ignore that and continue pinning me as the ultimate adulterer.

No, I remember it. But, you didn't make a big deal about it because, apparently you've forgive him on this. And this thread isn't about what HE did, it's about what YOU did.

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Ended an affair with much younger, single man and feeling completely depressed...

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