Ended an affair with much younger, single man and feeling completely depressed...

September 7, 2011

Finally...Thanks TurboGirl! I was prepared for the bashing, but not to this degree. Yes, I feel guilt of course, but at the same time, I feel completely lost. Thanks for being reasonable and not making judgement and giving me real advise.

you mean telling you what you want to hear.

I think a little bit of counseling may help what I'm going through. I don't want to tell my H because I don't think it will make anything better.

no, you don't want to tell your husband and face the consequences.

forget that he deserves to know the truth about what he is married to.

After he told me about his one time affair with his ex, he asked me if it would have been better if he didn't tell me because I was in so much pain...and I told him yes. Sometimes things are better left unsaid...as long as you know you are remorseful and have learned something from it.

but you won't. there will be other younger good looking guys you will want to go out on the town with and have sleepovers with.

you get away with this one, then you learned a valuable lesson. you'll get away with it in the future too.

and you aren't remorseful, you wanted it to go further with this guy. you said so yourself. therefore there will be a future repeat.

Edited September 7, 2011 by Memphis Raines

September 7, 2011

curiousjane I had a revenge affair right after discovering my H's A's. I did not disclose as my therapist(s) have both advised this to me. My H and I are getting along just fine. My past A does not eat me up alive. I have forgiven my H and forgiven myself. It's your life, your choice.

September 7, 2011

curiousjane I had a revenge affair right after discovering my H's A's. I did not disclose as my therapist(s) have both advised this to me. My H and I are getting along just fine. My past A does not eat me up alive. I have forgiven my H and forgiven myself. It's your life, your choice.

ok, fair enough.

but since you didn't come clean with your A, I hope you never will and haven't brought up his A then.

never again mention his A if you aren't going to come clean about yours

September 7, 2011

ok, fair enough.

but since you didn't come clean with your A, I hope you never will and haven't brought up his A then.

never again mention his A if you aren't going to come clean about yours

Actually he had some shaky boundaries here recently, but I did not accuse him of an A. He may have though. My H is a past serial cheater. I have cheated one time. I don't ever plan on walking that road again hopefully. Not a pretty place to be.

Water under the bridge...

September 7, 2011

curiousjane I had a revenge affair right after discovering my H's A's. I did not disclose as my therapist(s) have both advised this to me. My H and I are getting along just fine. My past A does not eat me up alive. I have forgiven my H and forgiven myself. It's your life, your choice.

Lady Designer -- i agree with that. Thanks for sharing your personal experience with me. I don't think telling him will save the marriage any better than not telling him. I can't explain why it does not "eat me up inside"...maybe subconsciously...it's because of what he did..I really don't know. But I do feel guilty.

Unlike what Memphis Raines thinks...I'm obviously remorseful about what I've done. That's why I'm here.

September 7, 2011

I don't think telling him will save the marriage any better than not telling him.

How much time have you spent helping others with infidelity? What you "think" is outweighed by what is known.

However, go on with what you "think". I will just see how this plays out long term.

Good luck to you

September 7, 2011

curiousjane I had a revenge affair right after discovering my H's A's. I did not disclose as my therapist(s) have both advised this to me. My H and I are getting along just fine. My past A does not eat me up alive. I have forgiven my H and forgiven myself. It's your life, your choice.

Your past affair doesn't eat you alive because it was revenge.

September 7, 2011

How much time have you spent helping others with infidelity? What you "think" is outweighed by what is known.
However, go on with what you "think". I will just see how this plays out long term.
Good luck to you

What else is she going to think. She needs to do what she thinks is conducive to her well being. As long as she keeps it quiet, when she gets the urge, she can go for it again.

September 7, 2011

Lady Designer -- i agree with that. Thanks for sharing your personal experience with me. I don't think telling him will save the marriage any better than not telling him. I can't explain why it does not "eat me up inside"...maybe subconsciously...it's because of what he did..I really don't know. But I do feel guilty.

Unlike what Memphis Raines thinks...I'm obviously remorseful about what I've done. That's why I'm here.

Yes remorseful is good. It means you're not sociopath. I am not in the camp of always telling as everyone's situation is not always the same. Anyways IC is a great place to start understanding why you had an A and how to prevent it from happening again. I do not believe "once a cheater always a cheater" either.

September 7, 2011

Your past affair doesn't eat you alive because it was revenge.

You are probably right. What bothers me the most is how I went against my own moral compass. It was not the path I would have taken now, but at the time I chose revenge... Even disclosing will not alleviate a wrong choice. It is what it is, I made a very poor choice and I now have got to live with that choice. I have forgiven myself, but if I could unring the bell, I would.

September 7, 2011

TurboGirl
Yes I am:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Interesting, and I'm glad that you were not my therapist.

You are pretty judgmental on this topic. :rolleyes:

@Ladydesigner, yes IC is a good place to start... but not with Soulstorm!

September 7, 2011

So your claim about your affair not tearing you up is untrue.

It's not something that holds me back in life, but I am disappointed in the choice I made, yes. It surprised me, never thought I was capable of cheating.

September 7, 2011

OP, you cheated and confessing is not about saving your marriage, its about respect. You disrespected your H in the worst possible way and by continuing to lie you are not showing that you love him. If that is your definition of love and marriage than your love and marriage are a sham.

Just look at the people who are agreeing with you and what they did to their spouses. Ladydesign made the conscious decision to cheat on her H all the while blaming him for the same thing. She made him work on the marriage thinking it was all his fault while acting like a coward and benefiting from his affair. She hides behind the "my therapist told me not to tell" which is just a mechanism for alleviating the guilt of doing the wrong thing. She literally tricked her H into reconciliation

You need to decide what kind of person you want to be. Right now you are a liar and a cheater, if you are content with that than so be it. But, if you choose to continue you deceitful lifestyle you better be ready for what it brings.

There is nothing good about being a liar and a cheater and once you start down that road there is no going back

Before you make such sweeping generalizations. You do not know my whole story. No one on this forum does. I made my own decision and I am OKAY with not telling. My marriage failing was both my H and my fault. I didn't make him work on the M, we both are working on the M. I do not see it as tricking him into reconciliation. I do not see telling benefiting my M in any way, neither does my therapist, especially now. Sorry for T/J I am off this thread now.

September 8, 2011

Interesting, and I'm glad that you were not my therapist.

You are pretty judgmental on this topic. :rolleyes:

@Ladydesigner, yes IC is a good place to start... but not with Soulstorm!

I'm not judgmental..just truthful.

I'm not going to pat you on the back and say you are doing the right thing..when you're not.

I'm glad I'm not your therapist either..more than that...I'm glad I'm not your husband.

Poor man is married to a wife that believes lying to him is saving their marriage.

I hope for your sake he doesn't find out.

September 8, 2011

Sounds like you were a little bored in your M (like me) and you need to refocus your attention on what is truly important in your life.

This is the same lame-ass excuse i hear people saying all the time that they were bored.

Well if your so bored, take your ass to the movies or go bowling, or go out with friends, but there is no need to cheat.

I think a big part of the reason I was attracted to someone else....was because I liked the attention. I liked knowing that someone else was attracted to me. I also like being infatuated and feeling alive again.

Another lame-ass excuse, if people really need to go out to see if They still have it then they need some serious therapy. Well if you liked feeling alive again then why not just leave him and go marry the other guy, I mean if he seriously made you feel alive then why not go with him instead? Also if you need attention then talk to your husband about it.

There is seriously no need for what you did. You need to communicate with your husband about making your time with him more exciting and fun.

Let me ask, did you ever once talk to your husband about how to make your life more interesting or more exciting?

Edited September 8, 2011 by Osiris1234

September 8, 2011

OP, you cheated and confessing is not about saving your marriage, its about respect.

I'd recommend telling. But only if your husband is the kind of guy that likes honesty. Seems logical. Dishonesty got you into your current sitch...so what's going to help you get out of it?

It's up to you though. MC first.

September 9, 2011

Doesn't sound to me, from reading the OPs posts in this thread that she's upset because of having cheated on her husband; but that she's upset because she no longer has her boy-toy and is feeling lost as a result of that - only.

September 9, 2011

Doesn't sound to me, from reading the OPs posts in this thread that she's upset because of having cheated on her husband; but that she's upset because she no longer has her boy-toy and is feeling lost as a result of that - only.

hit the nail on the head

September 11, 2011

Do you have kids?
If not get a divorce.
My hunch is that your husband is older than you. Am I right?

What difference does it make if they have kids or not???

If she's not in love with her husband, she should divorce him.

Is she in love with this younger guy???? I don't know. Maybe she is and she doesn't want to admit it, thinking that it would be bad falling in love with another person while being married. There's nothing wrong. No one chooses who they fall in love with.

Could she be in love with this younger man??? Personally, I think she should find out. But either way, she should start the divorce process with her husband first.

September 11, 2011

Congrats you get the award for the worst advice ever. I think you have watched one too many made for lifetime movies. This may shock you but grown adults have the ability to consciously control their behavior. You don't just fall in love, cheating is a long thought out process and she is responsible for her actions.

She should get divorced because she is not marriage material but the nonsense about not controlling who you fall in love with is just another pathetic attempt at blame shifting.

Grown adults should be able to control themselves

One would think.

September 11, 2011

What difference does it make if they have kids or not???

If she's not in love with her husband, she should divorce him.

Is she in love with this younger guy???? I don't know. Maybe she is and she doesn't want to admit it, thinking that it would be bad falling in love with another person while being married. There's nothing wrong. No one chooses who they fall in love with.

Could she be in love with this younger man??? Personally, I think she should find out. But either way, she should start the divorce process with her husband first.

Congrats you get the award for the worst advice ever. I think you have watched one too many made for lifetime movies. This may shock you but grown adults have the ability to consciously control their behavior. You don't just fall in love, cheating is a long thought out process and she is responsible for her actions.

She should get divorced because she is not marriage material but the nonsense about not controlling who you fall in love with is just another pathetic attempt at blame shifting.

Grown adults should be able to control themselves

I never shifted blame towards this woman's husband, nor have I applauded her cheating.

But I also would not advise someone to stay with a spouse that they're clearly no longer in love with, especially if that same someone could very well have feelings for another.

I always advise that if you're no longer in love in a relationship/marriage, you must end it. If your heart is leaning towards another, don't deny it, BUT before anything, begin the divorce process. Try not to cheat.

September 11, 2011

I never shifted blame towards this woman's husband, nor have I applauded her cheating.

But I also would not advise someone to stay with a spouse that they're clearly no longer in love with, especially if that same someone could very well have feelings for another.

I always advise that if you're no longer in love in a relationship/marriage, you must end it. If your heart is leaning towards another, don't deny it, BUT before anything, begin the divorce process. Try not to cheat.

or you could work on your marriage and fall back in love without trying to find it elsewhere, nothing "just happens". No one just "falls in love" with someone else. It's a series of actions that person does that gives you a good feeling about them.

You could have a wonderful pet and it adores you and shows you much affection, but after a while you start to have to go to it for attention half of the time. You get upset and you start punching it in the face for a week. About this time i am sure the relationship will change. Why? One party (or both) aren't meeting the emotional or physical needs of the other and the relationship goes down hill. So since your pet no longer behaves the same, you should put it down and get a new one. It starts out much the same but then after a while just becomes too much work and you start to repeat the above process. And so it continues indefinitely.

How do you fix it? Stop doing the things that cause the problem. Whatever the routine was it isn't working and needs to be changed. The excuse that anyone has to find it outside of their otherwise healthy marriage is lunacy unless abuse or chemical dependency is involved. You didn't just pick someone at random to marry, there were things you both did in the beginning that you are not doing now. It's not rocket science or mysticism.

Somewhere there was a breakdown in communication and this is the result. What you should do is tell your spouse the truth and face the music. Either way it goes something will change, which is what you wanted to begin with. Either way you get something different, grats.

September 12, 2011

I just want to give a little update. To answer the question, no, I am not in love with this younger man. I was just very infatuated with him and excited about it being something new. It was more lust than anything.

With my husband....I'm going to continue to work on it. When I say work on it...I'm talking about being more available to spend time with him. He is always there for me, so I just got carried away this summer and didn't really spend as much time together as I should. I don't plan on speaking to the other man anymore. After our breakup, we spoke for a little bit on and off...and saw each other one time. But after that, I think we both felt it was best to just part ways. I was kind of upset thinking about how things unfolded in the end between me and him and realized he was just as confused as me. He said he didn't want to see me anymore, but would send me messages and hint that he wanted to see me.

I have never been in this situation throughout my marriage. But, I am sure it won't happen again. I do love my H very much and find that when I do focus on him/us...I am completely happy. I just got a little sidetracked with the possibility of something new, young, and fresh and just got carried away with my emotions. I never intended to go there, but it did. I am human and it happens.

September 12, 2011

I do love my H very much and find that when I do focus on him/us...I am completely happy.

How do you define love and people you extend it to? Would you say your actions against your husband was an act of love for him or yourself?

You should not have to "focus" on him. Love is more than saying it and going with a notion.

Love is when you are willing to acknowledge your husband or partner's feeling above your own.

Consequently..if you suffer no true consequences for this except self-loathing and secrecy..you are more than adequate to do it again.

You have no real punishment for your "crime" other than what you self-imposed.

Love means not withholding important information from the one you say you love.

That means informing your loved one of any dangerous situations that may be harmful to him/her. Even if you are the culprit.

I would not want to be the recipient of the love you provide.

It is mostly love for yourself..because face it..this was all about you.

Not about your husband who needs you to"focus" on him to be completely happy with him.

Don't say you are making him happy by keeping this from him...how can he be happy with someone who is deceiving him. If you do keep this from him I hope he doesn't find out any other way...the things you try to hold onto dishonestly are the things you lose most.

September 12, 2011

I just want to give a little update. To answer the question, no, I am not in love with this younger man. I was just very infatuated with him and excited about it being something new. It was more lust than anything.

With my husband....I'm going to continue to work on it. When I say work on it...I'm talking about being more available to spend time with him. He is always there for me, so I just got carried away this summer and didn't really spend as much time together as I should. I don't plan on speaking to the other man anymore. After our breakup, we spoke for a little bit on and off...and saw each other one time. But after that, I think we both felt it was best to just part ways. I was kind of upset thinking about how things unfolded in the end between me and him and realized he was just as confused as me. He said he didn't want to see me anymore, but would send me messages and hint that he wanted to see me.

I have never been in this situation throughout my marriage. But, I am sure it won't happen again. I do love my H very much and find that when I do focus on him/us...I am completely happy. I just got a little sidetracked with the possibility of something new, young, and fresh and just got carried away with my emotions. I never intended to go there, but it did. I am human and it happens.

Thanks for the update.

I am just wondering if you can really keep this affair a secret without affecting your marriage, your own self-worth and mental well-being?

You cheated and now you are trying to hide it.

Can you successfully control your subconscious so that your body and mind dont give away any clues that your husband can either consciously or unconsciously pick up?

How do you know any fights in the future was not an over-reaction on your part contributed by the hidden affair? How would you know the future "personality differences" are not your subconscious trying to break free to set things right? Do you think your guilt may not eventually lead to any psychological pathology? How can you be sure any future chronic illness or cancer is not a manifestation of the stress due to your inner guilt?

From your experience you now know you are incapable of keeping your vows, lack self-control, and are not a trustworthy person when it really counts. But you're not too old that you cannot still correct this, learn from it and grow.

You have shown disrespect to your husband and, respect once lost, cannot be recovered very easily, if ever.

It will be a heavy burden for you to carry. May I suggest you seek out professional or spiritual help as you struggle to address this affair?

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Ended an affair with much younger, single man and feeling completely depressed...

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