putz Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 1 week after my son was born I went to meet up with a girl I met at work. I didn't expect or want sex with her, but I did want to talk. It was a lot for me to take in what was going on with my son and all. Well, I lied to my wife and told her I had to go to work. I went out to meet up with her but never had any luck because she couldn't meet up with me, so I never actually saw her. About 2 months later my wife found out I had went out to meet her. After I explained over and over that nothing happened between us, I don't think she actually believes that. I know she feels lied to, rightly so. She feels like I couldn't talk with her so she is a bad friend. She feels like a bad wife and bad friend. She has every right to be mad. I know I messed up and I fully understand she's hurt and she has the right to be. I want to move forward and be there for her. I just don't know what to do. She has access to my personal email and I've told her she can get in there anytime and I do my best to be open to her. Unfortunately she can't check my work email because of what type of work I do. So I'm stuck trying to prove to her I'm being good at work. I'm not creative on showing her special things to make her happy. She's believed for a few years that we were very happy together. Now it's all come crashing down and she feels it's been a lie for the past few years. I don't know how to make it up to her. What can I do?
lilmiss Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Is talking to someone just once even an emotional affair?
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) your relationship is over unless she can learn to trust you again --- for better or worse, she has to make that decision to. You went behind her back at a raw and vulnerable time for her (really, 1 week after she gave birth to your baby? How do you think she was feeling? You had NO one else to talk to, no family member or platonic friend etc?) Then you didn't confess it.... (if I'm reading this correctly... she "found out") and finally, do you still work with this other girl? It doesn't really matter if you didn't meet with the girl unless you chose not to. If you had every intention to, I can imagine the hurt. It's hard to earn back trust... even if you become trustworthy... You probably need to do counseling with her now... But at least if I were in her shoes, I would probably be unable to trust my spouse again. The disrespect and the unknown would be too great. It would take a whole lot of love and effort, anyway. Edited September 7, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
nyrias2 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 pffftttt.... if she had been able to meet hm, do you think that it would have been a "one time only" meeting with a "friend" , or do you think it would have continued on? that's the problem with this kind of thing, it starts out innocently, but can quickly get out control. Also, if you have a problem in your marriage, the best person to talk to is the person you are having the problem with ( your spouse) and not someone else ( excepting , perhaps, a professional counselor) if it was all above board, why not tell his wife what he was doing. why the need to lie about it... Well, the question is NOT about what would happen if she met him. And no, i don't think it is an affair. There is no affair partner and there is no affair "action". What this is, is lying about intentions. Lying is not the same as having an affair (emotional or physical). Now lying about intentions will still hurt and create trust issues (as in all lying). And you can debate whether it is wrong. However, it would be wrong to equate it with an affair.
Memphis Raines Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 1 week after my son was born I went to meet up with a girl I met at work. I didn't expect or want sex with her ya right. we aren't that stupid dude. you may not have expected it, or thought it may not happen, but you WANTED it and you know it. Otherwise, why lie to your wife about where you were? If you didn't want it, then you did nothing wrong, right? but I did want to talk. It was a lot for me to take in what was going on with my son and all. Well, I lied to my wife and told her I had to go to work. I went out to meet up with her but never had any luck because she couldn't meet up with me, so I never actually saw her. About 2 months later my wife found out I had went out to meet her. After I explained over and over that nothing happened between us, I don't think she actually believes that. well of course she doesn't believe it. you lied to her about going back to work when you were going to meet this other woman. again, if it was just a friendship, why lie? answer: because you wanted this woman. I know she feels lied to, rightly so. she feels lied to because she WAS lied to. She feels like I couldn't talk with her so she is a bad friend. She feels like a bad wife and bad friend. well that is messed up thinking on her part. that you lied to her because you want this woman, and she thinks its her fault? you must have done something to make her feel like its all her fault. She has every right to be mad. I know I messed up and I fully understand she's hurt and she has the right to be. I want to move forward and be there for her. I just don't know what to do. She has access to my personal email and I've told her she can get in there anytime and I do my best to be open to her. Unfortunately she can't check my work email because of what type of work I do. So I'm stuck trying to prove to her I'm being good at work. well nothing you can do there. work email shouldn't be accessed by anyone but the intended recipient, with the exception of you logging on and showing her, but that doesn't prove anything as you could have deleted emails before she sees them. I'm not creative on showing her special things to make her happy. She's believed for a few years that we were very happy together. Now it's all come crashing down and she feels it's been a lie for the past few years. I don't know how to make it up to her. What can I do? as a former betrayed husband, the only thing you could do from what I'd expect as a BS is you go to work, bring your ass home right after. you don't go out drinking and partying with the guys, and if you need to be away from home you tell the truth about where you are. I know this sounds like too much of a sacrifice, but you abused the priveliges of a trusting wife. so basically you are HOME when not at work. but then again, what would I know? I divorced my wife.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) Well, the question is NOT about what would happen if she met him. And no, i don't think it is an affair. There is no affair partner and there is no affair "action". What this is, is lying about intentions. Lying is not the same as having an affair (emotional or physical). Now lying about intentions will still hurt and create trust issues (as in all lying). And you can debate whether it is wrong. However, it would be wrong to equate it with an affair. The OP titled it "emotional cheating"... do you think the OP doesn't grasp the definition of it? Really? His actions didn't imply "I NEVER WANTED NOR INTENDED TO DO ANYTHING WITH THIS OTHER GIRL THAT I ALREADY KNEW FROM WORK" ... why didn't he have anyone else to "talk" to? What about his "actions" that imply he "hid" this? Hmm? The physical/meeting may have not occurred, perhaps because the girl he was interested in didn't allow it... that's what I gather anyway. Doesn't change the fact that he may have been pining and would have gone through with it. Why the heck would he title his own post emotional cheating if he didn't desire this other girl in particular, in some way. I think he's saying that he was overwhelmed with having become a father and is using that as an excuse. Yep. Edited September 7, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
dawgfan Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hey, putz. It sounds like you know you messed up, and that you have some work to do to regain your wife's trust. It's not hopeless, but it will really take some patience and effort on your part. Here's an article on building trust and another one on not putting yourself in that position again. Hope they help. I wonder, how are things going otherwise with your wife and the new baby? Becoming parents is a huge adjustment, and it's actually not unusual for it to impact your marriage at least for a while. Knowing that might help you put things in perspective. You do need support -- but you need to get it from people who care about you BOTH and support you as a couple. If you have to confide in someone, it would be better to seek out a mature, male friend who can give you reliable advice. Hope you and your wife can work things out. Let us know, OK? dawgfan
Author putz Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Thank you dawgfan. It's good to see someone is trying to help as opposed to just putting me down. I do know I messed up. We've actually moved over 1000 miles away from our last house since then so there is no chance of me seeing her again. I feel it was emotional cheating because my wife says it is and I understand where she's coming from on that. I did talk with her a lot at work so that's also why I consider it emotional cheating. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward from here. She hurts a lot. She doesn't think about it daily but a few times per week. And of course it really gets her down. I just don't know what to say to her when it happens besides hold her. I know nothing I say, she'll believe. So I just keep holding on. Things are going great for the family in general. We aren't verbally abusive. We rarely fight. We don't fight in front of the kids. So everything is great on that front. But she still feels occasionally like I didn't want our son because I couldn't handle his birth and it drove me to another woman. I don't know how I can show her that my two kids are everything to me. She says I'm a great father and I know I always put my son before me and I do everything for my children. But she still has those fleeting thoughts of I didn't want him in the first place and now I'm just making the best of it. Which isn't true at all. We are going to get counseling. I just don't know how since my job is sending me to the other side of the map for 3 months. Now she'll be home every evening with the kids by herself. This isn't going to be fun for her and I can only support her through skype.
2sunny Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 trust is earned... so you need to earn it back. no secrets no lies no unusual behavior no focusing time and attention on other women focus on repairing the damage you caused. it takes time... do your best!
dawgfan Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) Yeah, counseling would be a good idea, even if it's just a session or two before you have to leave. Maybe your wife even could go without you for a while to keep things going in the right direction. You guys have been through some stressful times - and I don't want to assume too much, but moms with little kids can sometimes struggle with depression and low self-esteem. Do you think that could be a factor? Either way, it's probably impacted you guys' support system to move such a long distance. So if you can get some outside help, definitely go for it! Hang in there, friend. It sounds like your heart's in the right place, and that you truly love your family. I'm really hopeful that things will work out. dawgfan Edited September 9, 2011 by dawgfan
Memphis Raines Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 We are going to get counseling. I just don't know how since my job is sending me to the other side of the map for 3 months. well, then I guess my advice that when not at work you get your ass home as one way to prove to her you have no other intenitons. but with you being gone for 3 months, that kind of puts a damper on it. Now she'll be home every evening with the kids by herself. This isn't going to be fun for her and I can only support her through skype. no, and its not going to be fun for her not because she'll be alone with the kids, but that you'll be thousands of miles away and she can't be sure that you aren't out boning some other woman.
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