Slowly Self Destructing, What is wrong with me? I can't let him go or control self!

[ThinkPink218]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum and would really appreciate it if you all could help give me some advice.

 

My ex and I broke up about a year ago and I still can't get over it or him. Here's my story:

 

Ex and I met through a mutual friend and became really close, good friends. We had a lot in common and shared the same wants, goals and values and overtime found ourselves into a relationship because of those similarities. Our relationship was pretty good, I was happy and so was he. He truly was not just a boyfriend, but also one of my bestfriends. Well, as things progressed between us sexually, I would often send him pictures to please him every now and then and it would, but it got to a point where it was non-stop and I told him to "chill a little bit." From there on, he completely SHUT DOWN on me. Didn't want to see me, go out anymore, or even talk and it became extremely frustrating. I would give him space, but even when he came back around, things seemed pretty forced. I would try to tell him how I felt and express my feelings of wanting to see him, hang out etc but it seemed as though it just pushed him away, which pushed me harder to try.

 

It didn't help that a female he knew who's relationship just ended sent him a message with her number trying to befriend him. She liked him and he was attracted to her and he would talk to her a lot, getting personal, etc. It definitely made me uneasy as I felt like he was putting himself in a situation with her that he shouldn't be if he's with me. And it also didn't help that as his girlfriend, I was upset at the fact that we were barely talking anymore or hanging out. But expressing my feelings to him did nothing but make things worse. So worse that we broke up.

 

After the breakup, he IMMEDIATELY started talking to the female friend, yet would still try to be "friends" with me. We still had feelings for each other and because I never wanted the breakup, I agreed but our "friendship" was a little bit more than just a friendship. And it didn't help that we were still having sex. My emotions became more and more up and down, knowing that he was pursuing being with her, but just getting what he could from me which often led to me blowing his phone up with calls and text messages about my emotions smh.

 

It's gotten to a point now where any chance I had of getting back with him have been completely ruined by my inability to control my emotions and actions and it sucks. What sucks more is watching him move on and try so hard with this girl when I did everything I could and more to make him happy and be a good girlfriend. I'm having the hardest time controlling my emotions though. One day I'll be fine and the next, I'll be texting him a 5 page message about how upset and hurt that I'm feeling and it seems as though I just can't control it. I ordered a breakup workbook and am awaiting it's arrival to use it and the exercises in it to get better, but until then I need some words of encouragement because I feel like crap right now. I feel like it's all my fault and I can't help but think that I won't find anyone better, he just seemed so perfect for me

 

FYI - The new girl also has a problem with his friendships with other females (wanting to talk to everyone on a personal level) and he seems to think that there is always something better which makes it hard for him to commit. Don't know if this plays a role or not on our breakup?

 

He's a good guy, he really is and that's what's making it hard for me to get over. I can't control myself!!! What is wrong with me??????????

[Portisphish]

You just have a broken heart. Join the club. He's a good guy? Really? Really?? he doesn't sound like it to me. Rejected you for not sending him ” enough” pictures? He's been hurting you for over a year. I think that's why folks on here recommend no contact. I recently chose the friends route, and maybe it will prolong my healing process. Time is really the only way to heal, but you have to face the truth. You have to face the facts. The truth is he has been using you for sex it seems. The fact is you have been in pain and hurting for over a year. He has done nothing to ease this pain, and why should he? He's happy. He doesn't want what you want. Stop making him happy. Start making yourself happy. Go no contact for your own sanity. Focus on yourself. I'm still learning that I have to take responsibility for my own happiness. You were you. It doesn't have to be a game. He didn't want you. Nothing you did wrong except be who you are. That's not wrong. Now, though, you are hurting yourself. Live your life and have fun, set goals, improve yourself.

 

You can't always control your thoughts, but you can control your behavior. Stay busy. Make projects. Get out. Exercise. Invite a friend for lunch. Shoot some hoops. You know what I mean....anything....especially if it has the added benefit of improving your self esteem. Why don't you think you deserve better?

Edited September 7, 2011 by Portisphish

[FeelingEmptyNow]

You should go no contact no matter what happens. Delete everything that reminds you of him. It probably hurts because you're trying to hang onto something that's not there. You have to believe that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. I mean who dumps a girl because she stops sending him naked pictures? A manipulative, narcissistic person, and you really don't want anything long term with people like that. Truth is, he probably never loved you and was most likely cheating on you while you were together.

 

Take up a new hobby, join a club, play sports, volunteer for needy kids etc. do whatever it is that made you happy before you met him. Don't think of it as something to do to not think about him, think of it as a way to better yourself as a person. Also, reach out to your friends and family for support.

 

Good luck.

[wilsonx]

ThinkPink,

 

Welcome to the club, I want you to know that you are not alone here. I do one nice response a day and your story is the one I chose =)

 

I am going to teach you a little something about yourself. I got out of one of the most mentally and physically destructive relationships I have never thought could have imagined in my entire life but I am just saying this because in the end it has made me so much stronger. This will make you so much stronger as well.

 

A relationship ending is never one person's fault at all. It's 2 people. You can not take responsibility for this ending. If you really look at into what you wrote, it's actually a little more his fault then yours. You actually saw this but just did not want to believe what you saw and I am going to show it to you.

 

 

It didn't help that a female he knew who's relationship just ended sent him a message with her number trying to befriend him. She liked him and he was attracted to her and he would talk to her a lot, getting personal, etc. It definitely made me uneasy as I felt like he was putting himself in a situation with her that he shouldn't be if he's with me. And it also didn't help that as his girlfriend, I was upset at the fact that we were barely talking anymore or hanging out. But expressing my feelings to him did nothing but make things worse. So worse that we broke up.

 

See what I bolded, you actually saw this coming. He was going to break up with you at the bold point no matter what. You could have kept your mouth shut and not said a word, it was going to happen. Don't take fault for standing up for yourself. You should actually pat yourself on the back for that and remember that for future relationships

 

After the breakup, he IMMEDIATELY started talking to the female friend, yet would still try to be "friends" with me. We still had feelings for each other and because I never wanted the breakup, I agreed but our "friendship" was a little bit more than just a friendship. And it didn't help that we were still having sex. My emotions became more and more up and down, knowing that he was pursuing being with her, but just getting what he could from me which often led to me blowing his phone up with calls and text messages about my emotions smh.

 

NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH AN EX AFTER A BREAKUP. NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER. Its not a fair playing field, you become his friends with benefits. He has full control over you. He broke up with you so he can pursue her and in the mean time used you for his own gain.

 

It's gotten to a point now where any chance I had of getting back with him have been completely ruined by my inability to control my emotions and actions and it sucks. What sucks more is watching him move on and try so hard with this girl when I did everything I could and more to make him happy and be a good girlfriend. I'm having the hardest time controlling my emotions though. One day I'll be fine and the next, I'll be texting him a 5 page message about how upset and hurt that I'm feeling and it seems as though I just can't control it. I ordered a breakup workbook and am awaiting it's arrival to use it and the exercises in it to get better, but until then I need some words of encouragement because I feel like crap right now. I feel like it's all my fault and I can't help but think that I won't find anyone better, he just seemed so perfect for me

 

He's not perfect for you. You had no chance of getting him back no matter what. He's a douche that used you manipulated you for his own needs and personal gains.

 

FYI - The new girl also has a problem with his friendships with other females (wanting to talk to everyone on a personal level) and he seems to think that there is always something better which makes it hard for him to commit. Don't know if this plays a role or not on our breakup?

 

This does not matter at all. Don't worry about her

 

He's a good guy, he really is and that's what's making it hard for me to get over. I can't control myself!!! What is wrong with me??????????

 

He's not a good guy, he's a manipulative piece of **** that deserves what ever life throws at him

 

As for you

 

You need to go NC. You need to let go. Do not text, call, facebook, email, etc. Its time to let go

 

Second thing you need to do. It's been a year, you need to get counseling to help you get through this.

 

After these two things are started then start working on doing other things to better yourself

[CaliBabe]

Okay honey you really need to take a moment to look at yourself and how you are being treated. Do you deserve to be treated like a doormat/booty call? No, you love this man and love does not come along easily. You deserve to be treated like a prize.

 

It seems as though this mans neglect has made you insecure which results in you texting, calling and blowing up his phone. I must advise that you stop this now. It will salvage your dignity and also not make you look so desparate. I will tell you one thing men hate is a woman who is needy, clingy and dependent. I think you should take a step back, go NC and find yourself. Rediscover your self worth. Once you do that... Discover your self worth... You would NEVER let anyone treat you as a second class citizen.

[ThinkPink218]

Thanks for the responses eveyone, I really needed to hear them! Deep down I still feel as though I'm responsible for this and had I had handled myself better we wouldn't be in this situation. I feel so LOW right now, I just want to go MIA from everyone for a while. Last night he texted me confirming what I already knew. He said, "I said wasn't gonna get back with you and said we could be friends. You are really starting to make me mad blowing up my phone like this. Let it go, we are not getting back together and you have destroyed any type of friendship we could have had. Please just leave me alone now and let it go." Ugh, it hurts! What hurts more is that I feel like it is all my fault when I know that it's not. I didn't reply to that text and don't plan to. I guess today begins my 1st day of NC....

[ConfusedT]

you are NOT responsible for how he treated you. He is a lowlife ******* just like my ex. you are responsible, however, for continuing to accept the treatment time and time again. learn to love yourself and realize you deserve more.

 

i know pot calling the kettle black, but i am struggling everyday to progress with my healing process. sure i fail sometimes, sure im sad, but i know one thing: i will always get back up.

 

i am learning to respect and love myself again. it takes time, but the first step is removing yourself from his life and his inconsiderate selfish and condescening treatment of you.

 

you deserve more, everyone does~!!