wavejumper Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hello LS's I've only posted here one time and that was when my stbx and i went out on a date last winter after having been separated for 4 months . He was the one who left with a serious case of GIGS. I needed him to really step up and show me he wanted back in and to also alter behavior that was more than teetering on abusive. It never happened, we dated for a few months but I went totally NC after he took off for 3 months abroad. (and yes, he kept trying to engage me but i never responded unless it was about business). He returned last week and has been calling and emailing about wanting to see me. I finally relented and did a skype call (we still need to finalize D agreements before we file). He told me how much he missed me, how he still thinks about me everyday, how he still cries over me etc. When i asked him if he really feels that way in his heart "why are you not doing anything about it ?" he responds with, "I"m confused". ya, i know that...he was confused during the last two years of our relationship. i said, ' I don't have time for your confusion anymore". Well, he begged that i see him. so, I decided to meet with him just to gauge better where he was at.We had a nice couple of hours together at a cafe. i'll admit, he has changed somewhat, but he still unsure of what he wants and keeps saying that he has certain requirements that i need to give him in order for him to come back-some of which involves him having total freedom to have female 'friends', which include those he might be sexually attracted to (suffice to say, this was part of why he left, and i'll add, some of whom he promptly slept with after leaving). I say, "well, i'm not sure I think I even want you back, but i'm willing to take it slow and see how it goes and then take it from there"- meaning going on dates, start developing a new relationship. He knows i need him to regain my trust and i also need him to court me- he was very poor in the romance dept... but he is not really seeing that, only that I need to first comply with his demands, which seems completely counter to how one would go about trying to get back with someone they left and want back. He's basically one big contradiction and has not taken any real responsibility for the awful things he did leading up to leaving. I can't deny the bond we have, we were married for 11 years, together for 14 and yes, i do still love him but have mostly moved on. i've started grad school and a new job, updated my look, made new friends, and have only dated one time (not so good, haha). i'm doing pretty well. i guess i miss the life we had before he went crazy. i hoping to get some responses in order to gain some other perspectives. thank you!
Author wavejumper Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I just don't understand, perhaps others will give some insight. He keeps emailing me to see if I will see him. This just came in: "how does your calendar look for tonight? i'll be back in a couple hours to check email. let me know. thanks :)" He's making attempts to 'see' me, but not make any repairs on the damage he inflicted or put himself out there emotionally despite what I've told him about that needing to be done first. Am I a back up plan, his wife of 14 years and the one who he has been separated from for a year? How does one set the tone and the boundaries to even see "IF" one should consider a reconciliation?
Author wavejumper Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 i guess since i'm not getting any responses, i'll just use this as a memo to self i didn't respond to his email today nor did i answer his phone calls. i'm leaving town tomorrow and when i get back he is leaving the country again. i just can't help but feel that by me seeing him it would make it too easy for him, and I don't think he is capable of stepping up and making amends for his behavior. funny thing is, well not so funny actually, is when i told him how it is doubtful i would ever trust him again, that it would take some time to gain it back, he responded with- "it's sounds like you want me to be a castrated monk"
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