Did I screw things up?

[skelterhelter]

The guy I've been dating and I have hit a rough patch within the last few weeks. To make a long story short: everything seemed pretty great in the months leading up to us dating (and even the first week or two when we started going out as a couple), but some aspects of his behavior annoy me. He'll be really clingy one day, then will forget to call or send me any other signals of appreciation the next. He told me he thought he was being overbearing (calling several times a day, driving by my job or house on days he wasn't sure I was at work, etc), but then he cooled it on his own accord and went the opposite direction, not seeming to really care anymore. To be fair, he does have a lot on his plate (not sure of how involved I want to get with him, as I've had fears about our age difference; taking care of his ill mother), but I was still getting annoyed by his change in his behavior.

 

So, after he promised to call me one night and never did (which was something we'd been arguing about and he KNEW it bothered me, so I had the right to be pissed), I kept my cell phone off so that if he tried to call, he'd only get my voicemail. I wanted to prove a point that it sucks to be forgotten about. I did this for three days and got no message from him. However, my co-worker did tell me he came into my work place three separate nights and asked if I was there. Then he called my phone a few weeks after this and didn't leave a voicemail. The most recent call, on August 15th, he actually left a message, saying he missed me and thought of me all the time, but that I didn't have to call back because he couldn't really talk because of dental work he'd gotten that day. And I actually saw him in person the last week of August. I was at a local outdoor concert and he must've seen me from the road, because I heard a honk and then saw his car in the parking lot next to the venue. I wandered to my car and immediately noticed his, so I went inside and looked around. He was already paying and didn't see me so, in my fear, I doubled back and left to walk back to the concert. I heard him walking behind me but he never said a word.

 

I returned none of the calls, nor did I let him know I had found out he was searching for me at work. I figured...if he really cares about me and wants to talk to me, he will come visit on nights he KNOWS I'm working and talk to me. Is that too much to ask?

 

August 15th was the last call I got from him. Two weeks ago, I got curious and decided to google his name (tell me I'm not the only crazy creeper here!) and stumbled upon his mother's obituary. She had passed on August 24th. Now I am feeling sorry as all hell for ignoring him when he needs me most, and I want to reach out to him. I've cried a few times, knowing he's all alone in the house and I can't be there for him. I feel like the biggest bitch alive To make matters worse, I texted him and called him twice (at both numbers, house and cell) and he hasn't returned any of my calls. Now, we had a power outage thanks to Hurricane Irene and mostly everyone around here was without electricity for a few days. But surely he should've gotten my message. So that means he's not returning my calls on purpose. I know he needs time to grieve...I want to give him that, which is why I'm not pushing it by calling him repeatedly. But could it be possible I screwed things up? I know my not returning his calls out of spite was immature; I recognize it. And it hurts me to be on the receiving end of it now. He really is a sweet guy and I want to give him a chance again. I've been missing him a lot lately, and I want to be there for him when he needs me most, even if it's just as a friend. What do you think of his behavior? When do you think I should call him again? I texted him last Wednesday night and called several times the following day on Thursday. I can't really tell him how I found out the info on his mom because he'd know I was snooping. Should I just let him be?

Edited September 7, 2011 by skelterhelter

[country_gurl]

Playing games to teach someone a lesson, not a good idea. When you purposely got revenge on him for not calling when he said he would, by turning off your phone for 3 days ....not real mature, know what I mean? Looking back, maybe the reason he didn't return your call was because he was caring for his gravely ill mother and naturally she needed to be the priority in his life at that time.

 

If I was you and IF you really DO care about him ..........then I think you should darn well find a way to get in touch with him and offer your condolences and apologize and offer to help him with whatever he might need some help with, or just be someone to listen or help him settle her affairs, etc. The poor guy.

[skelterhelter]

@ country girl: I realize what I did was immature. I had no idea his mother had passed because we were not talking (due to my own stupidity). I played the stupid mind games because I was sick of him doing the same to me. The reason I want to talk to him is because I want to offer him help with anything he needs, but he won't return my calls. And I know it's warranted, but I'd like to apologize either way.

[skelterhelter]

Well, I just tried him again at both numbers and it's the same deal: his cell goes right to voicemail and his house phone just rings and rings (no answering machine...he's never had one set up, I don't think). I really want to cry.

[country_gurl]

Well, I just tried him again at both numbers and it's the same deal: his cell goes right to voicemail and his house phone just rings and rings (no answering machine...he's never had one set up, I don't think). I really want to cry.

 

Are you able to drive to his house? Leave him a small bouquet of flowers on the doorstep or in a place he'd be sure to find them with a card tell him how sorry you are, for his loss and for not being available, and asking him to please phone you.

 

Perhaps he's not in town? Or not staying there? Did his Mom live with him or him with her? Perhaps he's not currently staying there because it's too difficult for him at this time and he's staying somewhere else? Do you know any of his friends or coworkers you can ask if they've seen him or how you can get ahold of him?

[country_gurl]

ALSO - you said you wouldn't be able to tell him that you'd found out his Mother had passed because then he'd know you were snooping.............but couldn't you have just as easily read her obituary in the local newspaper or heard it through the grapevine? Did his Mom live in the same town/city as you?

[skelterhelter]

Hi, country gurl. I appreciate your responses. He lived with his mom (in the same town I work in), but I myself live a town away. I *could* say I just stumbled upon it in the newspaper. I have been leaving messages like crazy (probably about 5 in the past few days, as well as one text) saying that I was thinking of him and would like him to call me when he can.

 

As far as knowing his friends/family...well, I've never met them Our situation is a weird one. He's a customer who asked me out (always came into the store I work at....has been coming in for YEARS but only recently has he flirted with me and asked me out). We've only been dating for about a month, so I've never really met his friends or family. Plus, I think he was always self-conscious about living at home, so he never took me inside (although I have gone to his house to meet him for a movie. So I do know where he lives). And because of our significant age difference, our friends don't really run in the same circles. However, my friend's step dad works at the same hospital my guy works at, so it is possible to dig up dirt that way, even though it might not be anything significant.

 

I tried calling him for another number (one he doesn't know) and I got the same deal: cell goes right to voicemail; house phone keeps ringing. So maybe you're on to something -- he might not be at home because it's just too painful for him to be there. Which I completely understand. I just want to tell him how sorry and stupid I am, and offer any help he might need. I just can't bear the thought of him being alone and in pain Any disagreement we had earlier just seems trivial now...I just want to know if he is okay.

[country_gurl]

You should see what you can find out from your friend's stepdad.

 

Was his sick mother in hospital or there at home? I suppose, depending on what her illness was, that she passed at home and that's why he's not there? but you think he's still answer his cell phone even if he wasn't at his home.

 

Was he more of a loner?

 

Not much relationship experience? (for some reason I've gotten that impression from your post but I'm not sure why?)

 

Was he exceptionally close to his mother?

 

Is he much older than you? Like how much older?

 

Maybe he's just so deep in grief that he just can't bring himself to talk to anyone just yet?

 

I hope you're able to connect with him soon. Please let us know how it goes.

 

Maybe your friend's step-dad can at least find out if he's been at work recently or is away?

[skelterhelter]

Thank you very much. I do hope I can get in touch with him soon. I will do whatever I can at this point. I've already asked my friend (the one with the stepdad who works at the same hospital) to help me out. I, too, find it odd that he hasn't checked his voicemails on his cell. But maybe he's just ignoring all calls because he just really doesn't want to deal with anyone right now. Or maybe his phone went dead when we had our power outage and he doesn't have the need to go get it.

 

To answer your questions... he was definitely really close to his mom. I could tell by the way he always talked about her and how he took care of her. He was always stopping into my store to buy her ice cream And he freaked out when he forgot his phone while we were at the movies because he worried there would be an emergency and she couldn't get to him. Yes, she did live at home with him and received hospice home care because my guy works full-time. She must've passed at home

 

We are 20 years apart (me being 29; him 49). He has a few friends and is very friendly and sociable, but seems a bit awkward around women (so in that sense I guess you could say he's a loner). Perhaps a bit of a sheltered momma's boy; he's definitely the baby of the family! The fact he approached me, a mere young stranger in a store whom he's had limited contact with over the course of a few years, says to me he isn't comfortable approaching women his age (although he was in a 10 year relationship with a woman around his age, so I dunno). After I accepted his offer to go out, he was so happy. He told me he thought he was a "cyclops" (I get so sad when he calls himself that) and that he could never have a chance with me, but that he wanted to try anyway because he thought I seemed cool and always thought I was cute. When I finally made plans to go to a movie with him (and asked him what he wanted to see), he said he could stare at a blank screen with me and be happy. He seemed in awe that I even accepted his date...and I just can't believe he would think that lowly of himself that I am anything special And the fact I did this to him is crushing me even more because he doesn't deserve that and I certainly did not live up to his views of me. But I truly didn't know his mother had passed and would not have done this silly, immature stunt had I known what he was going through. I am just feeling so sorry right now and want him to be okay. He is a sweet guy and has a good heart. He doesn't deserve this.

Edited September 7, 2011 by skelterhelter

[country_gurl]

awww, don't be so hard on yourself. of course you had no idea that his mother passed. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh with my comments initially. You sound like a very caring person and he sounds sweet as well so it would seem you're a good couple :-) I'm sure this will all work out just fine.

I hate to say this but if you're really worried that he could be quite depressed and is maybe holed up in the house and not doing so well, you could contact the local police and ask them to do a welfare check. Just explain that he's someone you've been dating, you were having a little period of time where you weren't taking his calls, you've found out his mother has passed and you have been leaving him numerous messages and it's not like him to not return them and you're concerned.

If they were very close and it sounds like they were, it's possible that he's just so devastated that he's just closing himself off to everyone because he just can't even talk about it; or maybe he's the type who wouldn't want someone to see him cry (it's very hard for some men).

I hope you hear from him soon. Please let us know.

 

PS - maybe his cell phone battery died and the charger is in the house and he just can't bear the thought of going back into the house just yet and therefore can't charge his phone. Maybe you could drive by his house and at least see if his vehicle (I'm assuming he drives?) is there?

 

I know you feel badly and I feel badly for you. Again, I'm sure it will all work out. You sound like a very caring person.

[skelterhelter]

Again, thank you very much. I really appreciate you helping me through the storm of my emotions He and I are definitely really caring people -- we both have this 'want to save the world' complex. We almost care too much, lol. I appreciate your advice. I will definitely look into the police thing if I can't track him down at home. That's a good idea. He does drive, so I will go to his house when I've exhausted all other options. I know it's silly, but he lives on a dead end at the very last house, so it's impossible to just drive by without being seen; I'd have to turn around in his drive way! I just don't want to look like some crazy stalker, even though I know it's far from the truth. But I will do a drive by soon, regardless, even if it's just to get a friend to do it. Because I do want to see if his car is there or not, and at this point I should care less about how I appear.

 

And you weren't harsh at all in your first response.... I would've thought the same thing if another person told me that. I still feel bad about the treatment I doled out, because in my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't want to be ignored for a month without any word about how the person felt about me. It's not right I guess it took this situation to help me realize that it is so very petty.

 

I will stop rambling now. Anyway, thank you! Have a great night. I will post an update when it comes

Edited September 7, 2011 by skelterhelter

[skelterhelter]

A little bit of an update: I can't sleep tonight because he's on my mind. I decided it was a better time than ever to do a drive by since it's super late at night and nearly everyone on his road should be asleep; and because it would ease my racing mind a little. I drove down to the nearest possible house I could turn around at and still get a decent look. From what I could see, his house was pitch black as if no one at all was there (not even outside lights), but it was hard to tell for sure. I couldn't even see if there was a car parked in the driveway, but from what I could see, the place looked pretty vacant. So, if my guess is correct and he's NOT there, then where is he? I'm sick with worry and also with jealousy. I can't help but think he's with his ex of 10 years right now. He assured me nothing was going on with them, that he just helped out here and there with some yard work, but I don't really know. I know I can be insecure, but it seems entirely possible he took off to her place in his time of need. I don't want that to be the case (oh please don't be the case...), but I took a ride down to his sister's place up the block and didn't see his car parked anywhere (but it's really a crappy, rainy night, so it's hard to see anything). I guess because I don't know his social circle too well I'm really just being oversensitive, but what if I'm right? What if he did run into his ex's arms and decide to say "screw with her" (regarding me).

 

But that doesn't make sense either because as of August 15th (before his mom had passed) he had called me and said he thought of me all the time and missed me. He'd also stopped into my work place TWICE looking for me that very night (as my coworkers tell me). He sounded sincere and very broken up when he said he missed me. Plus, he was in town the last week of August when I was at the concert. He HAD to have seen me and purposefully pulled his car in next to mine (Why would he pull into that one spot FAR from the store, RIGHT next to mine if he didn't want to see me?). That was but a week ago. Yet...no return phone calls. I am going crazy here

Edited September 7, 2011 by skelterhelter

[country_gurl]

Skelter, any updates? Did you manage to make contact with him?

[skelterhelter]

Skelter, any updates? Did you manage to make contact with him?

 

Hi, country gurl. No updates and no contact I am really depressed. I even waited by the local drugstore we always seem to run into each other at in the hopes of him driving by or stopping in. He works per diem at the hospital, so his quitting time always ranges between 4-6 pm on any given day. So I waited there for two hours, peering through the windshield, waiting to see his car drive by (because this is the only route to get to his road). Nothing I just want to know where he is and if he's ok. Thanks for checking up on my story. It's nice to know there are good, caring people out there

[country_gurl]

Hi, country gurl. No updates and no contact I am really depressed. I even waited by the local drugstore we always seem to run into each other at in the hopes of him driving by or stopping in. He works per diem at the hospital, so his quitting time always ranges between 4-6 pm on any given day. So I waited there for two hours, peering through the windshield, waiting to see his car drive by (because this is the only route to get to his road). Nothing I just want to know where he is and if he's ok. Thanks for checking up on my story. It's nice to know there are good, caring people out there

 

Awww, you're very welcome. I feel badly for you because I know YOU fell badly and you're worried about him.

 

Do you know any friends or acquaintances of his? Or a local pub/bar that he's known to frequent where the bartender or waitresses know him or can say if he's been in there recently?

 

If you know his last name, do you know of any relatives he might have that you could call? His Mom's obituary would likely give names of some relatives or names of any siblings he has?

 

Maybe he took some vacation time and went away somewhere?

 

Can you leave him another voicemail asking him to PLEASE call you when he can because you miss him and you're worried about him?

 

As her works in the hospital, depending on what area he works in, would it be possible for you to go there during the day and say you're looking for him to take him out for lunch and see what kind of response you get from whomever you speak with? They might say something like "he's away on vacation" or something that will give you a clue as to where he might be and if he's okay?

Edited September 8, 2011 by country_gurl

[skelterhelter]

Well, I called his job this afternoon and someone told me he wasn't in today. I am not sure if this was just a random day off or because he's using vacation time this week. I will call again tomorrow to see if this is the case.

 

Other than that, no word I've been calling like a madwoman and am just going to have to accept the fact that he will call me when he is ready to talk. If he just hasn't gotten my messages (due to a dead phone, just not turning his cell on, etc), then I suspect he will call me as soon as he does get them. But if he's just not ready to talk to anyone yet, I will wait. I don't want to force any communication if it's against his wishes at this time. I guess I just want to know he is okay. I also suspect that if he *did* hear my messages and picked up on the urgency in my voice, he would've called back just to let me know he was alive.

 

Now I just have to sit here and wonder if he's with his ex. I know it's silly and insecure, but he told me he still talked to her and performed favors (manual labor around the house) if she needed it (goddamn caretaker syndrome again. But, seriously...she needs to get another man to do her own damn chores). I guess I'm just feeling threatened because he was in a relationship with her for 10 years, although he claims they've been broken up for about 4 years and are just friends. He said he couldn't handle her neediness (then why does he give in to it?!). I'd be so heartbroken if he went to her place to stay. I don't mind if it's family, but her...that would be a slap in the face And I can't even verify if this is the case because all I know is her first name and a bit about her annoying personality

 

Thank you for the suggestions, country gurl. I will keep trying.

[skelterhelter]

Well, it's been over a week since I've heard from him. Not even one return phone call just to tell me he's okay. My friend was kind enough to drive by his house for me while I was at work, and we took a short trip past known family member's houses (a.k.a., we're stalking). No sign of him. His house is pitch black and no sign of his car at his family's houses. This leads me to believe he's with a close friend (or, my worst case scenario...his ex). Please don't let it be her. It would kill me inside

 

I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I know I deserve this in some way because of the mind games I played; but now I'm truly sorry and just want him to be okay. This is really frustrating and painful. It could be a month or two before he gets back on his feet, so who knows when he'll start answering his phone and actually get back to me. I am so worried sick, I've actually lost sleep. It's like when someone you love goes missing...and you just wonder where they are and if they will even come back to you If I had a second chance, I'd just give him a huge, enveloping hug and tell him how sorry I am

Edited September 10, 2011 by skelterhelter

[Ayla]

This must be so hard for you, and I really do feel for you.

 

It is strange that his phone is turned off all the time, maybe you could write him a letter and leave it in the postbox at his house. I am sure he is collecting the mail.

 

If you do this, perhaps just keep it light - condolences about his Mum, hope he is ok and that when he is ready to give you a call. I probably would go into how you feel or anything, becuase I am guessing he probably doesn't need that added pressure right now.

 

Hope you are ok!

[country_gurl]

Well, it's been over a week since I've heard from him. Not even one return phone call just to tell me he's okay. My friend was kind enough to drive by his house for me while I was at work, and we took a short trip past known family member's houses (a.k.a., we're stalking). No sign of him. His house is pitch black and no sign of his car at his family's houses. This leads me to believe he's with a close friend (or, my worst case scenario...his ex). Please don't let it be her. It would kill me inside

 

I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I know I deserve this in some way because of the mind games I played; but now I'm truly sorry and just want him to be okay. This is really frustrating and painful. It could be a month or two before he gets back on his feet, so who knows when he'll start answering his phone and actually get back to me. I am so worried sick, I've actually lost sleep. It's like when someone you love goes missing...and you just wonder where they are and if they will even come back to you If I had a second chance, I'd just give him a huge, enveloping hug and tell him how sorry I am

 

I'm so sorry you still haven't heard back from him.

 

Why don't you write him a letter, seal it in an envelope and go to his job and ask if you can leave it there for him. At least when he returns from "wherever" he'll get it. ???

[skelterhelter]

Thanks for following up, country gurl. I actually did hear back from him, but this story does not have a good ending

 

So he finally called me September 11th, which was last Sunday. Right off the bat I knew something was off because he sounded really light-hearted and giggly. Like absolutely nothing was wrong. He said he just got my message two minutes before he called me, that he's had his phone off all week because he was in the hospital because of his pancreas (which was verified by my friend's stepdad. He works there as well, and although he couldn't provide me exact details, he said the last time he saw my guy was the last week of August when he was a patient in the same hospital. However, this could've been any time that week; exact days weren't specified, and I didn't want to press for details because it goes against confidentiality). My guy also told me about his mother, to which I replied I was very sorry and offered to help with anything he might need. I asked him if he was home right now, and after a moment's hesitation, he said, "No, I'm at a friend's house out east." I kept saying how sorry I was about his mom and how I was really worried about him because he hadn't returned my calls. He reiterated that he's been in the hospital and it was nice to have his phone off. He asked me if I thought he'd been blowing me off, and I was honest -- I told him, yes...I had thought that. I was also honest about the reasons why I had stopped taking his calls; that I was being immature and playing games, trying to teach him a lesson for blowing me off, not taking my calls, "forgetting" about me. I told him it hurt. Then, as usual, he started to say he had to go after only a minute or two of convo. He said the pills he was prescribed was making him sleepy and he was gonna go back to sleep (and he said it in a really giggly voice, too...like, "I'm gonna go sleepies" or something like that). I suspected he'd been smoking pot but didn't call him out on it (which is a whole other issue with us...me being the non-smoker). He said he wanted to see me in person and I asked if we could get together that night. He hemmed and hawed, saying he had to work and that by the time I got out at 10 PM it'd be too late (which was bull since he's hung out with me till midnight and later on a workday before...). He finally gave in and told me I could meet him at his house after work.

 

So I did. We chatted for a little bit about things and he started kissing me. I could tell he wanted sex. I mean, I did too but I mostly wanted to talk about us. I felt like so much was unresolved. Anyway, after we did it he laid down on the floor and was yawning, kinda hinting to me it was late. I felt like he wanted me to go. But I asked him if I could sleep over since it was getting late (and frankly, I just missed him) and he agreed. I had a nice night just holding him, but very few issues were resolved. I asked him why he just stopped putting so much effort in and he said he wanted to make the relationship on my terms (because of the age difference; he knows I am the one who's more worried about it). Still...that doesn't explain why the calls/attention were more infrequent right before I played my little no contact game. More about that can be explained in the very first post I made here...but it's rather lengthy, so I understand if you won't read it, lol.

 

He did admit he was smoking pot daily. I also asked him why he insisted on talking to his ex when he knew it bothered me, and he said they have dogs that stay at her house and that he stored his bikes there. He also said he plays nice with her because otherwise he'd have to get a restraining order on her, that she was very unstable and jealous. I know for a fact he still talks to her because he mentioned he brought me up around her and she flew off the handle. I am so upset that he continues to hang with her even when he knows I am so bothered by it. He claims he just helps her around the house and takes the dogs to the vet (since she can't lift them), but I have a sinking gut feeling it's more than that. He swears up and down that she wanted friends with benefits with him after they broke up (several years ago), but he says he doesn't want to give her the wrong idea by having sex with her because it's not like that with him. Then why hang with her at all?

 

Another thing that made me scratch my head was he made mention that his phone had been on the charger the whole time when he was at the hospital. So how did he call from his cell on Sunday morning if it'd been at his house a few towns away the whole time? Unless he grabbed it real quick the night before when he was grabbing some new clothes and didn't bother to check it till that morning. But I strongly suspect he was only in the hospital two or three days tops and has been staying at a friend's ever since. He did have a LOT of beard growth and looked rather scruffy in general, so it's possible he was at the hospital longer than I think. But I do think he was at the friend's a lot longer than he says, too. Another a-ha! moment was when his sister called while I was staying there. He said something like, "Yeah, I decided to come back here and check on things" as if he'd told her he was staying elsewhere earlier in the week.

 

Ugh, I hate to be that crazy jealous girl trying to find discrepancies in every story, but I am so upset that he might've gotten my calls (all of my worried ones) and ignored them. To make things worse, he's been laughing it up and smoking pot with a friend while I'm going crazy...and he didn't even seem to care! I seemed more worried about his well-being and his mother than he did.

 

So I left the next afternoon and he was already on the hunt for his cell and wallet as if he had to hightail it somewhere. Wasn't going to work because he'd already missed it by sleeping in that morning. He said he had enough personal days built up where he could do that. He said goodbye by saying he'd call me "later" but never did. Again with the empty promises.

 

I broke up with him Tuesday afternoon, two days after our sleepover. I kept thinking about how many times he's done this whole "I'll call you" but never does. I always make plans with him, but he either says he's too busy or too tired (yet has time to smoke up every day and talk to his ex? Give me a break). I am still so torn because he DID call me during my no contact time and used be so attentive. He even said something to the effect of "You could move in with me" when I mentioned I might not have a place to live soon...long story). And he's always so ready to be intimate whenever we're together...so maybe he's not with his ex? Like, why would he want me so badly if he had her at his disposal? Also, he was pursued me very heavily before I actually agreed to date him, and this was only months ago. Why be so desperate for a date if he has someone? He even made mention of the fact he wouldn't have pursued me to NOT be with me.

 

But...I felt like it was the right thing to do by ending it. I am SO hurt by how he's treating me lately. He asked if he could still say hello to me when he stops into my job to buy stuff. I said of course he could. That was exactly what he asked the first time we had the disagreement over his pot smoking and I thought we shouldn't see each other anymore....and he called me nearly every week saying he missed me and thought of me all the time). What do you think, country gurl? I'm sorry this was so long. I still miss certain things about him...but am angry when he goes into this 'all I care about is smoking pot' mode. It's like the pot, his friends, and his f-ing ex are more important than me I don't get it. I mean, he was calling me several times a day when he was trying to get me to go to a movie with him. He was even questioning why I couldn't hang out with him earlier in the week (I had a brother's birthday thing to attend) at one time. How did it go from him being so caring and even a bit clingy, to THIS? I still want to cry when I think about it. But I guess it's not my problem anymore

Edited September 18, 2011 by skelterhelter

[dispatch3d]

lol alright so I want to follow this:

 

You think he's being clingy/needy (no reason given for why), and tell him so.

 

Therefore he stops calling you as often, which makes you feel forgotten about.

 

So you then turn your phone off for 3 days straight. After turning it back on, you see he's called but don't call back.

 

He then goes to your work 3 separate times in an effort to see you, but you aren't there. You're pissed because he didn't go when you were there.

 

After multiple phone calls, going to your work to try to get ahold of you, yet no voice mails, you feel no need to reciprocate any of this.

 

Then you ask a question related to HIS behaviour. lol oh my god. How can I get passed your behaviour? I'm actually hoping this dissolves and he moves on to someone else.

[dispatch3d]

ah then he ignores you, so you fill up his phone with calls. You get friends to do drive bys, you consider sending him flowers to make up to him. Apparently the guy needs to be hot/cold in spurts more rather than all at once.

[country_gurl]

Well Skelter, based on the new details, I have to say.............the guy sounds like a middle-aged loser with very little going for himself.

 

I sense that the only reason you had a real change of heart about him was simply because you feared he'd returned to his ex and NOT really because you have deep feelings for him. You didn't really want him but you sure as heck didn't want HER to have him, either. Right?

 

Why would you really be attracted to a 50 year old couch-surfing dope smoker who you don't really trust?

 

He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.

 

You're 29 and he's 49. I think you should seriously move on from this one and let him go. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction and drama and mistrust. Ask yourself honestly.................if you didn't know about his ex would you have really being trying so hard to make contact with him?

[CambridgeGirl]

Let him go, irrespective you not speaking to him for three days, he sounds unhinged and clearly has all sorts of little games going on in his own head. He sure as heck isn't worrying about you, the fact he was calling a lot and going in to your workplace EVER doesn't mean he was worried, it means he is controlling and doesn't understand boundaries for anyone other than himself. He probably does this a lot with women. You got caught up in the game, started the same behaviour, all super unhealthy.

 

You should love yourself, and realise you deserve more and that anything he made you feel guilty for his all about him. Get strong and get a new good man, recognise none of this is what you did wrong. Keep your head high.

 

Below link I often find interesting, there are some interesting sections, such as the break-up panic part.

 

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html