How do I handle this attorney?? !

[sher871]

I filed for divorce from my husband. I live in Illinois (Chicago suburbs). I am gay but there were also other issues in our marriage. He was controlling and sometimes verbally abusive. While our intentions were to be divorced amicably, there were many threats and scare tactics by my husband because he was having a hard time letting me go. For instance, he threatened to tell others I am gay (well actually he did tell several friends), said he would not support me financially, and he said he would get visitation of my children more than me. We have discovered that the attorney I have chosen has a reputation as being the most litigious attorney in our area. He loves going to trial and he is a pitbull. He is a dominant man and is already trying to get me to hate my husband. I want things to be simple. My husband makes $175,000/year and I make $55,000. We don't have any complicated assets...house/stocks/his 401k retirement/my pension. But now I am scared that my attorney is going to try to take advantage of things (like making unneeded subpoenas and motions to rack up fees).Do I have to give my attorney access to my financial records or can I simply give him a spreadsheets listing our assets, expenses, etc. I already paid my attorney a $7500 retainer. What can I do to approach my attorney and ask him to try to work with us to make things fair and simple? I want to avoid a trial. I know my husband isn't perfect, but I want to get out of this fairly without high legal fees. Should I expect the attorney to eat through the $7500 and keep billing me or can I get him to look at our assets spreadsheet and suggest alimony/child support, etc. I feel like I am trying to get rid of one controlling man and now dealing with another one. How do I approach my attorney?? Help! Thank you so much.

[Chi townD]

You have to remind yourself that you've paid that man $7500 for his services. He works for you, not the other way around. He is supposed to present to you what you stand to gain and lose with the dissolution of the marriage. Then he's supposed to handle your requests inside the limits of the law on your behalf. If you tell him that you just want this to be over with in the quickest way possible, then that's the Ave. he should be exploring.

 

Remember, he works for you.

 

However, he is also supposed to protect your interests. Now, I don't know why you two are getting a divorce, but Illinois is an "at fault" state. If your husband is filing for a divorce on the grounds of "whatever". Then, it's a lawsuit where's there's a winner and loser. Talk to your lawyer and find out what's going on.

[sher871]

Thank you for your reply. I filed for the divorce under grounds for "irreconciliable differences" and "mental cruelty". My attorney said that I could file for no fault grounds using irreconciliable differences---but there is a 6 month to two year mandatory separation period. However, if I file under the irreconcilable differences with grounds of mental cruelty, then the separation period is waived and the suit can be processed more quickly.

[Calif_hope]

Could almost guarantee if you play the mental cruelty angle it will be war between your husband and you. He counter, I have seen in California were a marriage was annulled because one party knowingly went into the marriage as a gay person without the other party knowing.

 

Lots of expensive crap gets thrown around - you hire a bull dog he will hire a bigger bull dog, he can afford a more expensive retainer.

 

I would try very hard for mediation...you will regret the mental cruelty thing, he could throw the same at you. Read somewhere than men are more reactionary in a divorse when the wife comes out than if she had an affair - so many more issues.

 

Come out if the closet --- take that power away from your husband.

[Chi townD]

Cali might be right...I mean, please don't take this the wrong way, but you didn't wake up one morning and decided that you wanted to be gay. I'm speculating that you formed a relationship with a woman that just re-affirmed your feelings that you were gay. So, if he can prove that you have a relationship with a woman; regardless of gender, he can file based on the grounds of adultry. His lawyer can prove that a relationship exists by subpeona your girlfriend into court. You're claiming mental cruelity, but without documentation ..i.e.. paperwork from the cops for several Domenstic disturbance calls...then all you have is hearsay and he has the stronger case. Go to mediation if you can.

[KathyM]

I filed for divorce from my husband. I live in Illinois (Chicago suburbs). I am gay but there were also other issues in our marriage. He was controlling and sometimes verbally abusive. While our intentions were to be divorced amicably, there were many threats and scare tactics by my husband because he was having a hard time letting me go. For instance, he threatened to tell others I am gay (well actually he did tell several friends), said he would not support me financially, and he said he would get visitation of my children more than me. We have discovered that the attorney I have chosen has a reputation as being the most litigious attorney in our area. He loves going to trial and he is a pitbull. He is a dominant man and is already trying to get me to hate my husband. I want things to be simple. My husband makes $175,000/year and I make $55,000. We don't have any complicated assets...house/stocks/his 401k retirement/my pension. But now I am scared that my attorney is going to try to take advantage of things (like making unneeded subpoenas and motions to rack up fees).Do I have to give my attorney access to my financial records or can I simply give him a spreadsheets listing our assets, expenses, etc. I already paid my attorney a $7500 retainer. What can I do to approach my attorney and ask him to try to work with us to make things fair and simple? I want to avoid a trial. I know my husband isn't perfect, but I want to get out of this fairly without high legal fees. Should I expect the attorney to eat through the $7500 and keep billing me or can I get him to look at our assets spreadsheet and suggest alimony/child support, etc. I feel like I am trying to get rid of one controlling man and now dealing with another one. How do I approach my attorney?? Help! Thank you so much.

That's the problem with divorce attorneys. They try to make a divorce as contentious as possible, and end up walking away with a huge chunk of the family wealth. They add fuel to the fire, so to speak, rather than being the voice of reason, and you will be surprised how fast those legal bills will add up. I would have advised going to a marriage arbitrator, if what you seek is a fair and equitable division of the assets, and a low legal bill. But it's too late for that. At this point, you could try to tell your attorney that you don't want to drag this out. You just want it to be over with, so he should draw up a fair settlement proposal, and present it to the husband's attorney as soon as possible. Also, I don't think you need to specify bank account numbers, etc. Just list the name of the asset (such as which bank or fund), and the amount. I think that would suffice.

[Memphis Raines]

I filed for divorce from my husband. I live in Illinois (Chicago suburbs). I am gay but there were also other issues in our marriage. He was controlling and sometimes verbally abusive. While our intentions were to be divorced amicably, there were many threats and scare tactics by my husband because he was having a hard time letting me go. For instance, he threatened to tell others I am gay (well actually he did tell several friends)

 

if you are in fact gay, then it shouldn't matter if he tells people. its not like going around and calling someone a cheater. being gay shouldn't be something to be ashamed of, where being a cheater is.

 

 

said he would not support me financially

 

well, why should he?

 

 

and he said he would get visitation of my children more than me.

 

well unless you are abusive to your kids, or are a crack wh0re, there isn't anything he can do about that. If you attorney is good, he will get his visitation to every other weekend and once during the week for dinner or something. thats customary.

 

 

We have discovered that the attorney I have chosen has a reputation as being the most litigious attorney in our area. He loves going to trial and he is a pitbull. He is a dominant man and is already trying to get me to hate my husband. I want things to be simple.

 

you need to let your attorney handle this for you. thats why you pay him.

 

he knows your husband and his attorney are not going to play nice, isn't that already evident? and if you wanted it to be simple, you didn't need a pitbull. you just need an attorney that will do what you say.

 

let your attorney handle this. trust his gameplan.

 

 

My husband makes $175,000/year and I make $55,000. We don't have any complicated assets...house/stocks/his 401k retirement/my pension. But now I am scared that my attorney is going to try to take advantage of things (like making unneeded subpoenas and motions to rack up fees).Do I have to give my attorney access to my financial records or can I simply give him a spreadsheets listing our assets, expenses, etc. I already paid my attorney a $7500 retainer. What can I do to approach my attorney and ask him to try to work with us to make things fair and simple?

 

just let our attorney know that you want what is customary, and although you don't want your husband to walk all over you, you can't afford to pay him to drag it out.

 

 

I want to avoid a trial. I know my husband isn't perfect, but I want to get out of this fairly without high legal fees.

 

unless there is abuse by the mother, or something tangible like drug addiction that the father can use to declare the mother unfit, there usually isn't a trial. just a few hearings.

 

you are entitled to 1/2 the marital assets. there is nothing he can do about that. if it looks like your husband and his attorney try to drag this out, you can tell your attorney you want the judge to rule.

 

and trust me, in liberal, socialist Illinois, not to mention the *****hole of Chicago, a judge won't be slanted your husband's way.

[sher871]

Memphis: I have asked him not to tell others I am gay. He has told my friends behind my back---lies and tells me that he tells them we are going through an amicable divorce. This is my personal information and is not his to divulge to my friends. Coming out is extremely personal and he is taking it away from me.

 

Let me clarify about my comment about my husband's threats about "financially supporting me". What I meant by that is that he used to threaten me, saying I would receive less than 50% of assets.

 

I hired the attorney because he was threatening me, being sexually aggressive (pressuring me for sex, touching me, pressing against me after I repeatedly told him to stop).

 

My hiring the attorney was a wake up call to him. He has tried convincing me to drop my attorney because he is too much of a fighter. My husband now says he will give me 50% of assets and work with a more reasonable visitation schedule for the kids. I guess it took me hiring an attorney. But now I feel my attorney is too much of a fighter. Things have changed---my husband is willing to be more reasonable and amicable.

[Memphis Raines]

Let me clarify about my comment about my husband's threats about "financially supporting me". What I meant by that is that he used to threaten me, saying I would receive less than 50% of assets.

 

let him talk. it doesn't change the law.

 

you may receive 50% of the assets, but you will get, and are entitled to 50% of the MARITAL assets. Meaning that which was accumulated while married.

 

and even in cases, like bank accounts, you can get 50% of everything in it, regardless if he had a balance in them before you married him.

 

let him talk. your attorney will hand him his ass.

[sher871]

Here's a question. Before I got married in 1996, my husband was married but his wife died. He invested her $25,000 life insurance policy which is now up to $150,000. It is in both our names. My husband doesn't think I should have half of this money. I want things customary and fair----I don't want this money if it isn't fair. Any thoughts on his thinking??

 

Also, he says that when we got married, he had a home and I didn't. All I had about $10,000 in cash. He sold his home and used the equity from his home to help when we bought a different home. He has mentioned that there should be some type of consideration about this because he brought more into the marriage than I did.

 

Any thoughts?? I may post this on the board b/c I am not sure you will see this. Thanks!

[Memphis Raines]

Here's a question. Before I got married in 1996, my husband was married but his wife died. He invested her $25,000 life insurance policy which is now up to $150,000. It is in both our names. My husband doesn't think I should have half of this money.

 

tough crap. your name is on it. you get half.

 

even if your name wasn't on it, you would get at least half of all the money accumulated since then. meaning you'd subtract the 25K and you get half of $125,000.

 

but your name is on it. sucks to be him.

 

 

I want things customary and fair----I don't want this money if it isn't fair. Any thoughts on his thinking??

 

its fair for you to get it. The $25,000 you may not be entitled to, but you are entitled to half of whatever its value is now, minus the value back when you were married in 96.

 

 

 

Also, he says that when we got married, he had a home and I didn't. All I had about $10,000 in cash. He sold his home and used the equity from his home to help when we bought a different home.

 

boom, you are entitled to half the equity in it then. doesn't matter where the money came from. you both bought a house after marriage. you are entitled to half of it. pure and simple.

 

do not talk to him about such things. let your attorney do the talking.

 

 

He has mentioned that there should be some type of consideration about this because he brought more into the marriage than I did.

 

doesn't matter. if he had account balances before marriage, you don't get those. the house is another matter. since he took money from an old house and bought a new one while married, you get half the house, period.

 

but lets say, for instance, he has a 401K. then they figure out what was in it as of the date you were married, then any money in it after marriage you are entitled to half.

 

and while we are on the subject, if his argument is that he brought more into the marriage than you did, well most lawyers will see that statement as a justification for alimony.

[sher871]

Thanks Memphis....I just love your straightforward and to the point speaking. It is helping me to be stronger.

[Tiberius]

If you try to get between an attorney and his money things can turn nasty. Imo you are better off writing off the 7500 retainer. He might be out for revenge if you try to get your way.