ThsAmericanLife Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 It can be empty. It depends on the guy/girl and the circumstances/setting of the event. That's something the OP needs to weigh up. Is no sex better than meh sex. She can take control over who, where and when though, rather than say making a snap choice when she has had too much to drink and going home with the sleazy charmer at the pub. I agree it is going to be a bit hard to tell if the guy is genuinely courteous & respectful until you get to meet him a few times. Meeting them outside of a pub/club setting when he is not on the pull would help. I get the appeal, but I would also think some women would have a better chance of this, if there was less emphasis on cocky/narcissistic men for 'chemistry'. Going back to her original post though, there are other options, she just has to change her life to help create them. one thing I'm not sure about is why she finds some of these guys gross/repulsive. So, if the guy isn't a super duper kisser he's out? That can be fixed a whole lot easier than a man's integrity.
OliveOyl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 This last sentance was a chuckle. Having ONS/fling sex with a reasonably attractive man that you met at the pub/bar/shopping centre/work, is creepy, but sitting in front of the cam with your legs spread masterbating for some guy (while he possibly records it) is no problemo. OP + Olive, why is having sex with a reasonably attractive (also courteous + respectful) man that you don't know so well, so gross? I get that its not everyone's cup of tea, but 'creepy + gross'. There will be plenty of years later in life for no sex and you wont have to worry about knocking back the advances from men, so I'm just saying keep your eyes + options open. I didn't say webcam. Cybersex can just be typing. There is no risk of disease, pregnancy, stalkers, or other difficult/risky scenarios. Getting too weird? Hit the "x" button. Part of why I said it was creepy was the "one night" aspect, but this was with someone I'd developed a brief online relationship, so it wasn't just one night. Cybersex is a reasonably "safe" and possibly anonymous option for someone who isn't ready/wanting to take on the risks of a "real-life" ONS or NSA/FWB. FTR I had just separated and I wasn't ready to hop on down to the pub for "fun." Nor could I easily do so with child care responsibilities most nights.
ascendotum Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I didn't say webcam. Cybersex can just be typing. There is no risk of disease, pregnancy, stalkers, or other difficult/risky scenarios..... ....FTR I had just separated and I wasn't ready to hop on down to the pub for "fun." Nor could I easily do so with child care responsibilities most nights. Sorry for assumption, yes there are 2 different forms of cybersex. Given your circumstances I can understand why you enjoyed it. I found a few women online who just wanted to talk about sex, but when pushed to meet, would stall then eventually drop off. For me it only has limited appeal, and I'd image its the same for most guys, thats why we like watching porn more than than reading an erotic story.
OliveOyl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Sorry for assumption, yes there are 2 different forms of cybersex. Given your circumstances I can understand why you enjoyed it. I found a few women online who just wanted to talk about sex, but when pushed to meet, would stall then eventually drop off. For me it only has limited appeal, and I'd image its the same for most guys, thats why we like watching porn more than than reading an erotic story. I will say once I decided I was ready to start dating, cybersex lost its appeal. The real thing is... way better. But maybe because I'm a woman (?) or maybe it's my personality, I'm just not interested in porn at all... and cybersex was a stop-gap measure.
mr.dream merchant Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 So your options are be a whore or be celibate? Awesome. How about this option? Get a boyfriend. And for ****s sake don't listen to Ruby Slippers. Jesus Christ in a got damn soup bowl.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 So your options are be a whore or be celibate? Awesome. How about this option? Get a boyfriend. And for ****s sake don't listen to Ruby Slippers. Jesus Christ in a got damn soup bowl. This seems like the common sense answer to me. It is unclear why this wasn't one of the options listed in the original post. So are we to assume the the OP is very picky with respect to relationships but a hell of a lot less picky when it comes to finding someone with whom to have regular sex? I don't understand this mentality.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I did B for 3 years, except for one period of about 3 months when I dated and had sex with someone I eventually ruled out for long term. Then I got very tired of that, so I asked a guy who isn't a long-term prospect to be my sexually exclusive FWB. That is what we are doing now, and we are both enjoying it a lot. I talked to my counselor about it, and she agreed it's a good idea for now, as long as I'm clear about my boundaries and don't bend them just because I get comfortable with him. Are you seeing a "counselor" because of dating issues? How common is this among women?
mr.dream merchant Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Yet I'm being crucified for ****ing two different women who are on the same page as the OP. Smh. Look OP, do what you do. But don't get your vagina ran through then make some poor sap work for it after you're over with being used like a piece of meat (cause that's exactly what you'll be for whoever gets to smash). That is the ultimate act of cruelty for a man.
Chicago_Guy Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I've had to reject married men more times then I like to think about. It's so gross, and it makes me really angry. I have phases where I get hit on by married men more than single ones (though it makes sense in a way--there are more married men where I live than single ones). I'm not in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I agree with you about setting the bar low. I thought my standards were pretty low, but I have a girlfriend who dates so far down, just to be dating, it's scary. She's a nice, pretty girl with a stable job. Her BF is unemployed and not looking for work. He has a small child he can't afford to pay child support for, so his parents pay it. He's also a pothead. He's 34, by the way. I just couldn't date someone like that. My other single girlfriends who live here just don't date. If you find yourself getting hit on by more married men than single men, you should really ask yourself why this is happening and if this happens someplace other than work, I bet that the root cause is your own behavior. Sometimes women are much more open and friendly around married men than they are around single men - some women have their shields up when single men approach so the single guys give up quickly and go for other women who seem friendlier and more approachable. If a married man approaches so in public, maybe you are more open and friendly because you know he is married and you are more relaxed because you realize right away that you would never date a married man. Also, if your friend really is as attractive as you say she is, she undoubtedly has spurned more suitable decent men to be with that loser she is currently dating. There is probably some illogical subconscious reason why she likes a guy that has nothing going for him and in fact prefer him over a man who is more accomplished.
Red Arremer Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Yet I'm being crucified for ****ing two different women who are on the same page as the OP. Smh. Look OP, do what you do. But don't get your vagina ran through then make some poor sap work for it after you're over with being used like a piece of meat (cause that's exactly what you'll be for whoever gets to smash). That is the ultimate act of cruelty for a man. Wow man who pissed in your Cheerios this morning? As for me, I'm starting to believe I'm in the same boat as somedude. It's been just about 2 years for me, and a fun combination of a 50-60 hr/week job and fairly extreme lethargy on my down time (either caused by depression or the meds I'm taking for it, but either way I'm assuming it's a medical issue) has kept me fairly dateless during that span. I went on around half a dozen first dates earlier this year, but as out of practice as I am socially I may as well have been throwing my time away.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I actually think I'm craving affection more than sex... I don't blame you! This is totally natural. Physical touch and affection is a basic human need, and believe me, I feel much better with some sweetness and affection in my life than I do without it. And, well, cuddling your friends is very weird. My lover came over this evening to fix some bugs on my phone that emerged after he updated my OS the other day -- his idea. I told him it was fine to just wait till the next time I see him, later this week, but he said he didn't want to leave the job unfinished. He told me before he came over that he would show some restraint sexually, since he knew I had work to do tonight. He spent at least half an hour doing the tech support, giving me kisses and hugs now and then as we both worked. He updated me on some things he's working on in his life, and I was encouraging and supportive, as always. Just got a text from him right this second, part of which says: "Thank you for the moral support. It means so much to me." After that, we watched a great movie for dreamers and had some awesome cuddles. He leaned back against the arm of my couch and held me sweetly in his arms for half an hour. He got obviously turned on a few times during the evening, but said he can wait for 2 days -- when we will be going to a Sox game and then coming back to my place, and, as he said, "we will have all night." To me, this feels like a lovely and beautiful thing. We have openly discussed everything, including the things standing in the way of us having a conventional relationship, and we have a good understanding. We are both getting all kinds of goodness from our relationship, and we are not clinging to any particular outcomes. Are you seeing a "counselor" because of dating issues? How common is this among women? I talk to my counselor once a month to help me deal with all the problems of life and make the most of it. We talk about everything from relationships with my family and friends, to dating, to my career, to my health and fitness, and everything in between. She's brilliant, and her advice has been a critical factor in much of the big progress I've made in my life. I don't think I would have come this far without her guidance.
ascendotum Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I talk to my counselor once a month to help me deal with all the problems of life and make the most of it. We talk about everything from relationships with my family and friends, to dating, to my career, to my health and fitness, and everything in between. I thought women did this with the girl friend committee and 2 bottles of wine and smokes.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I thought women did this with the girl friend committee and 2 bottles of wine and smokes. Yeah, I do that with my close friends. And though they give pretty good advice, they are not trained professionals who have helped people deal with big problems and make progress in life for decades. I love reading philosophy, psychology, and self-help books, too. I'm about to start one about productivity with a friend, which came highly recommended by another successful startup business owner friend, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. I'm here to live and make the most of my life, so I use any tools I can find that will help me do that better -- including LS.
Pyro Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 This thread seems totally legit. A woman frustrated about not having sex. it was only a matter of time before Waynebrady returned.
oaks Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Exactly. This is why I don't do OLD. You're looking for sex but don't want to make use of a tool that gives access to lots of horny men. Hmm. Okay.
rafallus Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 This thread seems totally legit. A woman frustrated about not having sex. Ain't that the truth? How dare they have a sex drive? They are fragile little flowers, right?
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 So your options are be a whore or be celibate? Awesome. How about this option? Get a boyfriend. And for ****s sake don't listen to Ruby Slippers. Jesus Christ in a got damn soup bowl. Umm..yeah, why didn’t I think of that? That’s, of course, what’s I’ve been trying to do for the past several years. It hasn’t happened. I only had sex last year because I went back to my ex briefly. If I hadn’t done that, it would be even longer since I’ve had sex. Why don’t you have a girlfriend? Could it be that it’s extremely difficult to meet a compatible person (and even more difficult when age and location are working against you)? Why do guys think woman can just snap their fingers and make suitable men appear? Do you think Ruby has her FWB because high quality men who she wants relationships with are knocking on her door? She’s doing it out of a necessity of sorts. I know it's working for her right now, but I doubt it's ideal. You're the one whoring around, and you know it. This seems like the common sense answer to me. It is unclear why this wasn't one of the options listed in the original post. So are we to assume the the OP is very picky with respect to relationships but a hell of a lot less picky when it comes to finding someone with whom to have regular sex? I don't understand this mentality. I want nothing more than to be in a committed relationship. I'm 32. I want to get married and have children, soon. I want this more than anything, but it's simply not happening.
Emilia Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Umm..yeah, why didn’t I think of that? That’s, of course, what’s I’ve been trying to do for the past several years. It hasn’t happened. I only had sex last year because I went back to my ex briefly. If I hadn’t done that, it would be even longer since I’ve had sex. This is where you went wrong. By going back to your ex you stifled your needs for a while and put off finding a boyfriend longer so now you are in the same boat albeit a year later.
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 This is where you went wrong. By going back to your ex you stifled your needs for a while and put off finding a boyfriend longer so now you are in the same boat albeit a year later. I know. I made that decision out of panic and peer pressure (it’s not high school, but I felt it!) I had a friend getting married last summer and I told her I was going alone. She told me I couldn’t go alone. I asked her I could bring a girlfriend. She didn’t like the idea, and said I should just bring my ex, who was trying to weasel his way back into my life at the time. Finally, I thought, what the heck, I wasn't dating anyway. The wedding was the first in a serious of events that pushed us back together. I feel like I’m doing everything right this time—NC with the ex since Jan, I’m open to meeting and talking to all types of people, I have a full, satisfying life, and still nothing.
oaks Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Iris, where in the world are you? (only roughly! I'm not trying to stalk you.)
somedude81 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I want nothing more than to be in a committed relationship. I'm 32. I want to get married and have children, soon. I want this more than anything, but it's simply not happening. And yet you're unwilling to cut back on your social life to meet men, move or try online dating...
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Iris, where in the world are you? (only roughly! I'm not trying to stalk you.) I've said before that I live in the southern US. Noguysville, Siberia More like Loserville. And yet you're unwilling to cut back on your social life to meet men, move or try online dating... What do you mean cut back on my social life? That's what puts me in a position to meet someone.
oaks Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I've said before that I live in the southern US. Sorry, I missed it or forgot! Hmm. I don't know any single guys in that area, so can't even offer to introduce you to anyone.
Elysian Powder Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 It's been nearly a year since I've had sex. Here are my options: A. ONS with a man who could be considered reasonably attractive in the dark after a few drinks, who I would never want to speak to again B. Remain celibate indefinitely Yes, these are my only options. I'm pretty grossed out by the first option, but becoming increasingly frustrated with the second. Which would you choose, and why? I would move on from the idea of fcking her. Closing one's legs used to work, but ever since the sexual revolution more than enough women have no qualms when it comes to putting out, so why would a man stay in this ridiculous island of no sex? The woman is good-looking? Oppsy do! Go to a bar. Go to a nightclub. Go to a library. Go to a coffee. If a man is below the age of 60, and fit, he won't have to work that much on getting poon and many times that poon is attached to an attractive woman. The woman who is trying to pull a 19th century move is special? Please. Only the generality of life on this planet is special for this planet is probably the only place in this solar system with life. He has feelings for her? A chemical reaction that can and is replicated at any time, with anyone universally attractive if the conditions are right. I'm a douchebag which would propel me to fck the woman's sister, her mother(only to spite her even more), and I'll consider her female best friend.
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Sorry, I missed it or forgot! Hmm. I don't know any single guys in that area, so can't even offer to introduce you to anyone. That's OK. I don't know any single guys here either.
Recommended Posts