iris219 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It's been nearly a year since I've had sex. Here are my options: A. ONS with a man who could be considered reasonably attractive in the dark after a few drinks, who I would never want to speak to again B. Remain celibate indefinitely Yes, these are my only options. I'm pretty grossed out by the first option, but becoming increasingly frustrated with the second. Which would you choose, and why?
somedude81 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I'm at two years, got yah beat! Here are my options A. Get a hooker B. Keep trying with the girl who won't even let me hug her. C. Remain celibate indefinitely BTW, why would you be celibate forever?
OliveOyl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 At the end of my marriage, I went for over 3 years without sex. A. would not be an option for me. While I had a couple of ONS in college (many years ago, pre-HIV crisis) I couldn't handle a ONS now. It would be too creepy for me. There's always option C. Cybersex. I actually did this for a short while. I actually enjoyed it
oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yes, these are my only options. No, they aren't. Go for Option C: create more options.
Casablanca Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Have any friends who you arent very close with and are attractive to you that you'd might consider starting up a FWB/NSA situation?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I did B for 3 years, except for one period of about 3 months when I dated and had sex with someone I eventually ruled out for long term. Then I got very tired of that, so I asked a guy who isn't a long-term prospect to be my sexually exclusive FWB. That is what we are doing now, and we are both enjoying it a lot. I talked to my counselor about it, and she agreed it's a good idea for now, as long as I'm clear about my boundaries and don't bend them just because I get comfortable with him.
Cypress25 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I always thought it was standard procedure to wait until you find someone you actually want to have sex with. Option A doesn't sound like it would be very satisfying. It hasn't even been a year and already you're getting desperate? Have you never gone a year without sex before?
Author iris219 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Have any friends who you arent very close with and are attractive to you that you'd might consider starting up a FWB/NSA situation? I have one friend who's very attractive and has always had a crush on me. We kissed for the first time at the beginning of the summer (I've known him for 7 years), and it was disgusting. I was repulsed. There's a reason why there's never been any physical contact--I'm not attracted to him at all. He was my only hope. I'm even less attracted to my other guy friends. I did B for 3 years, except for one period of about 3 months when I dated and had sex with someone I eventually ruled out for long term. Then I got very tired of that, so I asked a guy who isn't a long-term prospect to be my sexually exclusive FWB. That is what we are doing now, and we are both enjoying it a lot. I talked to my counselor about it, and she agreed it's a good idea for now, as long as I'm clear about my boundaries and don't bend them just because I get comfortable with him. I might consider a FWB if I met someone who wasn't horrible and inappropriate like I normally do. I always thought it was standard procedure to wait until you find someone you actually want to have sex with. Option A doesn't sound like it would be very satisfying. It hasn't even been a year and already you're getting desperate? Have you never gone a year without sex before? Yes, in theory you wait, but what if 1 year turns into 2, 2 years turns into 4, 4 turns into 8, and so forth? And then you're 40 and haven't had sex in a decade...
KathyM Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You know, people can actually live without having sex. It can be done, believe it or not. There are people who do that all the time. They put their energies into other things, like exercise, and focus their attention on other things until the right person comes along. For those that don't believe they can live without it for any length of time, there are such things as vibrators or masturbation. Giving your body to some stranger that you can't even imagine doing it with with the lights on, and can't even stand is just icky. Same thing with a prostitute. She doesn't care about you, doesn't even like you, only wants your money, and has been used by hundreds of guys. Likely to have some STD as well. Eww. That's just creepy. Seriously, people, hold out for someone actually worth having sex with. Don't devalue yourself.
oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 And then you're 40 and haven't had sex in a decade... So what are you doing to get laid?
Cypress25 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yes, in theory you wait, but what if 1 year turns into 2, 2 years turns into 4, 4 turns into 8, and so forth? There's no point worrying about that now. You might get hit by a bus in 5 years. You can't predict the future, so why worry about it? You have no reason to believe you'll be celibate for the next 10 years. If 7 years go by and you still haven't had sex, then you can worry.
Author iris219 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 So what are you doing to get laid? Hmm...I'm an attractive woman. Are you saying I need to DO something? You know, people can actually live without having sex. It can be done, believe it or not. There are people who do that all the time. They put their energies into other things, like exercise, and focus their attention on other things until the right person comes along. For those that don't believe they can live without it for any length of time, there are such things as vibrators or masturbation. Giving your body to some stranger that you can't even imagine doing it with with the lights on, and can't even stand is just icky. Same thing with a prostitute. She doesn't care about you, doesn't even like you, only wants your money, and has been used by hundreds of guys. Likely to have some STD as well. Eww. That's just creepy. Seriously, people, hold out for someone actually worth having sex with. Don't devalue yourself. I know. It just gets depressing. I start to ask myself if I can live my life without physical contact. I actually think I'm craving affection more than sex, so, no, a ONS wouldn't be satisfying.
oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Hmm...I'm an attractive woman. Are you saying I need to DO something? Yup. No free sex just for being pretty. You've got to earn it. Try creating a profile on POF saying that you're "looking for some fun". You'll have a full inbox in no time!
Casablanca Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yup. No free sex just for being pretty. You've got to earn it. Try creating a profile on POF saying that you're "looking for some fun". You'll have a full inbox in no time! Even if she puts looking for marriage she'll still get a full inbox in no time with the same message content
KathyM Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Hmm...I'm an attractive woman. Are you saying I need to DO something? I know. It just gets depressing. I start to ask myself if I can live my life without physical contact. I actually think I'm craving affection more than sex, so, no, a ONS wouldn't be satisfying. You said you're attractive. You need to take an active role in getting yourself out there and meeting people who have the potential to establish a relationship with. I would suggest making a list (seriously) of what ways you can improve your chances of meeting someone worthwhile, and then concentrate on putting that list into action. If I were single (and I told this to my sister who is currently single), I would do the following to improve my chances: (1) Get involved in things that would put you in contact with more people, such as volunteer projects, classes, groups with shared interests, etc.; (2) attend singles events, meet up groups, and the like, that would bring you together with other singles; (3) develop more interests, which would not only benefit you, but would also put you in contact with more people. (4) Let it be known to your co-workers, friends, family, etc., that you are hoping to meet someone nice that you could develop a relationship with. If you get the word out, they may introduce you to someone they know; (5) join some of the better dating websites. There are some quality people on there, you just have to be selective. By getting yourself into the dating scene, and taking an active role in finding someone worthwhile, you are more likely to find someone you would actually want to share affection with. If it's not happening with what you are doing now, and there is nothing physically or otherwise repulsive about you, then you must not be doing enough to come into contact with potential partners.
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Even if she puts looking for marriage she'll still get a full inbox in no time with the same message content Exactly. This is why I don't do OLD. You said you're attractive. You need to take an active role in getting yourself out there and meeting people who have the potential to establish a relationship with. I would suggest making a list (seriously) of what ways you can improve your chances of meeting someone worthwhile, and then concentrate on putting that list into action. If I were single (and I told this to my sister who is currently single), I would do the following to improve my chances: (1) Get involved in things that would put you in contact with more people, such as volunteer projects, classes, groups with shared interests, etc.; (2) attend singles events, meet up groups, and the like, that would bring you together with other singles; (3) develop more interests, which would not only benefit you, but would also put you in contact with more people. (4) Let it be known to your co-workers, friends, family, etc., that you are hoping to meet someone nice that you could develop a relationship with. If you get the word out, they may introduce you to someone they know; (5) join some of the better dating websites. There are some quality people on there, you just have to be selective. By getting yourself into the dating scene, and taking an active role in finding someone worthwhile, you are more likely to find someone you would actually want to share affection with. If it's not happening with what you are doing now, and there is nothing physically or otherwise repulsive about you, then you must not be doing enough to come into contact with potential partners. This is all really good advice, but I don't live in town with single men my age. I have a very active social life, but it's not often that I meet single men, and when I do, it's pretty bad. That's why I'm confident that I will be single (and not having sex) for a VERY long time.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hey, if it makes you feel better... I'm in the same boat as you... A fairly prominent politician near where I live asked me if I'd agree to being the OW recently. Another married friend and former co-worker has been chasing me for oh, 4 years now. ... and I just FZ'd a guy who asked for an 'open' relationship after I told him I was looking for an exclusive one. So, what is the moral of this story, you may ask... sometimes finding someone is all about HOW LOW YOU SET THE BAR. I'm sure you could find other options besides the ones you are listing. ME?? I'm getting the hell out of this 3-horse town. I've done all the things other posters have listed... I'm very active in my community (hence the politician 'bait'), have all kinds of clubs/activities. Lots of friends both male and female. Decent, available men don't exist in this town. Maybe you could consider that?? Create a profile on OkC. Don't post pictures or put up alot of info. Just answer some of the questions and surf for greener pastures. That is what I did. Tried that on Match.com too... did alot of internet research on the places with the best male/female ratio. Ideally you want to go to places that have more men than women, obviously. Highly educated ones too. Narrowed it down to US: Seattle, Wa; Austin, TX; Boston, MA. International: Denmark, Sweden, Germany, UK Stay away from New York, NY and Washington, DC. Way more single women than men there, for some reason. At least that was the case when I last looked.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Go find a studmuffin. Isn't that what you womenz normally do? Ha You probably don't live near Iris
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Hey, if it makes you feel better... I'm in the same boat as you... A fairly prominent politician near where I live asked me if I'd agree to being the OW recently. Another married friend and former co-worker has been chasing me for oh, 4 years now. ... and I just FZ'd a guy who asked for an 'open' relationship after I told him I was looking for an exclusive one. So, what is the moral of this story, you may ask... sometimes finding someone is all about HOW LOW YOU SET THE BAR. I'm sure you could find other options besides the ones you are listing. ME?? I'm getting the hell out of this 3-horse town. I've done all the things other posters have listed... I'm very active in my community (hence the politician 'bait'), have all kinds of clubs/activities. Lots of friends both male and female. Decent, available men don't exist in this town. Maybe you could consider that?? Create a profile on OkC. Don't post pictures or put up alot of info. Just answer some of the questions and surf for greener pastures. That is what I did. Tried that on Match.com too... did alot of internet research on the places with the best male/female ratio. Ideally you want to go to places that have more men than women, obviously. Highly educated ones too. Narrowed it down to US: Seattle, Wa; Austin, TX; Boston, MA. International: Denmark, Sweden, Germany, UK Stay away from New York, NY and Washington, DC. Way more single women than men there, for some reason. At least that was the case when I last looked. I've had to reject married men more times then I like to think about. It's so gross, and it makes me really angry. I have phases where I get hit on by married men more than single ones (though it makes sense in a way--there are more married men where I live than single ones). I'm not in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I agree with you about setting the bar low. I thought my standards were pretty low, but I have a girlfriend who dates so far down, just to be dating, it's scary. She's a nice, pretty girl with a stable job. Her BF is unemployed and not looking for work. He has a small child he can't afford to pay child support for, so his parents pay it. He's also a pothead. He's 34, by the way. I just couldn't date someone like that. My other single girlfriends who live here just don't date.
Author iris219 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Go find a studmuffin. Isn't that what you womenz normally do? Ha Do you mean a younger man? I'm not attracted to younger men at all. I'd rather date a 45 year old than a 25 year old.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I've had to reject married men more times then I like to think about. It's so gross, and it makes me really angry. I have phases where I get hit on by married men more than single ones (though it makes sense in a way--there are more married men where I live than single ones). I'm not in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I agree with you about setting the bar low. I thought my standards were pretty low, but I have a girlfriend who dates so far down, just to be dating, it's scary. She's a nice, pretty girl with a stable job. Her BF is unemployed and not looking for work. He has a small child he can't afford to pay child support for, so his parents pay it. He's also a pothead. He's 34, by the way. I just couldn't date someone like that. My other single girlfriends who live here just don't date. Hey, in times like this... I try to look on the bright side... At least we aren't getting 'dumped' by guys we set the bar low for... ugh... Sorry you are landlocked. Now that I think about it... I really should spend less time on this forum and more time surfing for job ops!! Wish you the best! Just know you got a fellow 'sister' out there trying to keep some semblance of standards. (hey, guys?? Notice that none of my dealbreakers had anything to do with looks/money??)
ascendotum Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 At the end of my marriage, I went for over 3 years without sex. A. would not be an option for me. While I had a couple of ONS in college (many years ago, pre-HIV crisis) I couldn't handle a ONS now. It would be too creepy for me. There's always option C. Cybersex. I actually did this for a short while. I actually enjoyed it This last sentance was a chuckle. Having ONS/fling sex with a reasonably attractive man that you met at the pub/bar/shopping centre/work, is creepy, but sitting in front of the cam with your legs spread masterbating for some guy (while he possibly records it) is no problemo. OP + Olive, why is having sex with a reasonably attractive (also courteous + respectful) man that you don't know so well, so gross? I get that its not everyone's cup of tea, but 'creepy + gross'. There will be plenty of years later in life for no sex and you wont have to worry about knocking back the advances from men, so I'm just saying keep your eyes + options open.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 OP + Olive, why is having sex with a reasonably attractive (also courteous + respectful) man that you don't know so well, so gross? I get that its not everyone's cup of tea, but 'creepy + gross'. There will be plenty of years later in life for no sex and you wont have to worry about knocking back the advances from men, so I'm just saying keep your eyes + options open. Yea, I'm wondering the same thing. I'm sitting her complaining about men hitting on me. I can imagine looking back when I'm 80 thinking... why the heck did I sit out any part of my life when I had the chance?? On the other hand... I did that when I was younger. It was pretty empty. Not to mention... You don't know if they are courteous + respectful until you get to know them.
ascendotum Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Yea, I'm wondering the same thing. I'm sitting her complaining about men hitting on me. I can imagine looking back when I'm 80 thinking... why the heck did I sit out any part of my life when I had the chance?? On the other hand... I did that when I was younger. It was pretty empty. Not to mention... You don't know if they are courteous + respectful until you get to know them. It can be empty. It depends on the guy/girl and the circumstances/setting of the event. That's something the OP needs to weigh up. Is no sex better than meh sex. She can take control over who, where and when though, rather than say making a snap choice when she has had too much to drink and going home with the sleazy charmer at the pub. I agree it is going to be a bit hard to tell if the guy is genuinely courteous & respectful until you get to meet him a few times. Meeting them outside of a pub/club setting when he is not on the pull would help. I get the appeal, but I would also think some women would have a better chance of this, if there was less emphasis on cocky/narcissistic men for 'chemistry'. Going back to her original post though, there are other options, she just has to change her life to help create them.
somedude81 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 This is all really good advice, but I don't live in town with single men my age. I have a very active social life, but it's not often that I meet single men, and when I do, it's pretty bad. Congratulations! You just found out why haven't dated in over a year.
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