wannabdone Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I thought that every once in a while, when I feel like I have hit a milestone... I would share it. Not only does it help me, but I am in hopes that it will help others as well, others who might just be starting their hard and very critical to their health and well being, process of NC. My NC started mainly because of me. I had sent him a text that said I didn't want to speak with him any more, after he had sent me a very short text of how he was with his son, and he would have to talk to me later. When I had originally sent it, I thought .... he'll know i'm pissed now, I've never said that to him. Well, I was right, he knew I was pissed. And in his typical cowardly fashion, he took what I said and didn't contact me. This of course, pissed me off to no end, and I tried to call him, he didn't answer, I texted him, he didn't answer.... and then I thought.... Oh lord, I might have bitten off more than I can chew. Through a few back and forth, very limited texts, I started getting really angry. Angry at him and angry at me. WTF was I doing??? I had backed myself into a corner where I never had any rights. No rights to say how I felt, no rights to have someone who would be by myside. I thought... I have got to be one of the most ignorant bitches alive!!!! So, after that, when he did call or text, (we had business dealing we had to wrap up), I was professional and never emotional. I would do what he would do.... wait a day before responding, etc. Playing games? Nah, just no longer going to be "johnny on the spot", he had never been that with me. He was no longer going to get special treatment. I noticed something..... in our conversations, he was always setting it up where I would stroke his ego. Asking things like "what do you want", and "you know I love you".... I continued to not give in and would just reply "I want to get this business dealing taken care of so we can go on our seperate ways". Again, I noticed something..... When I'm not the "go to girl" to stroke his ego and tell him how fabulous he is and how he is worth all this pain and suffering and I will wait until he can leave, and oh poor baby, i'm sorry you are going through all of these issues. HE HAD NO USE FOR ME. Never mind that this man who told me he loved me more than anything in this world had crushed me, did he have any apologies or want to talk about my feelings????? Oh hell no, he just wanted to set every conversation up to where I would tell him of his fabulouness. And when I refused..... cold as ice. I've always said, while your in the storm, you can see clearly. And that has never reigned more true that now. Now that I am not in the storm, I see things so clearly. The years of torture, and really abuse (all of which I allowed), the countless times of him telling me how much he loved me and how I was his soul mate (but yet, you love someone MORE THAN ANYTHING.... but keep them on the side lines??? NO!!! You play your star quarter back, if they are in fact you star.), the years of blaming his W for manipulating and imprisioning him to stay..... he has known her most of his life.... should he not have known how she would react and prepared for that. She can "control" him to stay but yet, can't control him from having an affair with OW for half of their M. Hmmm.... not adding up. The years of me giving up, breaking my back, being gaslighted, even blaming me for him not leaving..... what does all this equal???? ABUSE!!!! And I ALLOWED IT. What made me think he loved me???? His words??? How sad and pathetitic. So now, after 21 days of NC, NC that was really accidentially started and originally thought of as a "oh ****" moment, has turned out to be THE BEST THING (and the hardest thing), I've ever done. Do I miss him??? YES. Why? Beats me, but I do. Do I still love him??? YES. Why again? Beats me, AGAIN. Do I have my moments where I break down and cry? YES. Do I wonder what he is doing, if he thinks about me??? YES. BUT, guess what I noticed. Yesterday.... I only thought of him THREE TIMES!!!! Didn't consume my day, just a mere THREE TIMES. It does and is getting easier. I am and will continue to see things clearier. I AM REGAINING MY LIFE BACK. My choice, my life and I for one, want peace. Funny thing is, his pompus ass sits there and thinks he will be able to come back.... why would he not? I've always allowed it. But never have I done what i've done now. Worked through things, allowed myself to grieve, accepted things. I am done, and he is clueless. What a joyous day when he does try to come back and he learns of my new found attitude. Basically ladies, and men.... hang in there. It does get better. If you have just started it.... you are doing the right thing, I promise. If you are thinking about starting it.... please do. You will thank your self later. And if you are in it, like me, continue to press on. You are doing great, and for the first time in a long time, making yourself the number one priority. After all, we have learned from the best how to do that.... right???? I would love for everyone to share how long they have been with NC, or if they are thinking about it. How they are doing, and how they have seen growth. Good luck to you all!!!
TigerCub Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Hey Wannab, I'm so proud of you. I really love how your intention is to give others hope as you try to find strength for yourself. I'm glad that you're seeing things for what they are and seem so much stronger. Stay the course sweets hehe, I've never heard this before "johnny on the spot" - hehe and it made me laugh, and I'm glad that you're not that person anymore. 21 days is very good progress and honestly considering the length of your A - I'm amazed and very impressed that you only thought of him only 3 times the other day - that's such good progress. Cry it out, get your strength, don't lose perspective and you will keep seeing success and enjoying all that freedom. As for me, well, it will be 9 months on the 15th since I wrote xmm my last email/letter. My A experience wasn't nearly as long as yours (barely a year in total since I met him), and you're right, it does get easier and I've felt so much strength and so much pride in myself, every time he sends me an email and I just delete it. It does get a lot easier and being fully available and free opens up the opportunities to meet people that are actually right. Men that actually give it their all and make us their honest and true priority. Very proud of you :bunny:
Author wannabdone Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Hey Wannab, I'm so proud of you. I really love how your intention is to give others hope as you try to find strength for yourself. I'm glad that you're seeing things for what they are and seem so much stronger. Stay the course sweets hehe, I've never heard this before "johnny on the spot" - hehe and it made me laugh, and I'm glad that you're not that person anymore. 21 days is very good progress and honestly considering the length of your A - I'm amazed and very impressed that you only thought of him only 3 times the other day - that's such good progress. Cry it out, get your strength, don't lose perspective and you will keep seeing success and enjoying all that freedom. As for me, well, it will be 9 months on the 15th since I wrote xmm my last email/letter. My A experience wasn't nearly as long as yours (barely a year in total since I met him), and you're right, it does get easier and I've felt so much strength and so much pride in myself, every time he sends me an email and I just delete it. It does get a lot easier and being fully available and free opens up the opportunities to meet people that are actually right. Men that actually give it their all and make us their honest and true priority. Very proud of you :bunny: TC.... Thank you!!! You are so sweet. And I am proud of you as well!!! NINE MONTHS!!! You go girl!!! That is amazing. I honestly love helping others, and it is good for my soul and helps me heal. Unfortunatlely this is also one of the traits that got me into my A. I always felt like I needed to take care of him, all the while no one was taking care of me. Its the way I have been programmed from being a wee sprout. But, again....thank you for the kind words. It is getting better, however... I am on this site quite a bit, so something makes me think of him. Or maybe i shouldn't look at that way....look at it as i'm on here for me.... right???? Funny that you haven't heared "johnny on the spot"..... I tend to make a lot of little comments like that. I'm from the south, so I have a saying like that every other sentence. So.... your xMM still emails you???? How often???? How long does he go inbetween those. I need to know what i'm going to be up agaisnt here.
TigerCub Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You are here for you - damn right!! whatever works - even if it makes you think of him a little, its also helping you sort this whole thing out - so its all good. hehe, I totally look forward to reading more of your southern expressions He doesn't email me too often. There was a break in between - months go by, but I think that sometimes when he sees me (we work in the same building). he thinks to email me and try to see what will happen. The last time he emailed me was in the beginning of August. I tried to block his email, but because its work, it didn't work. His emails still got through. But it really doesn't bother me anymore. It was weird to see it pop up because that totally took me back to when we used to email all day (back in the day), but once I delete it, its out of sight out of mind.
Author wannabdone Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 That is awesome!!! And such a help for me to see someone who has gotten to that point. So weird that someone we loved so deeply can turn into something like this. I will have to go back and read you posts, as I can't for the life of me remember your story. Is it posted?
nothingbutblueskies Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Way to go I may not have the time invested in my affair that you've had in yours, but I feel our situations are somewhat similar. Keep it up and congrats on taking your life back! I find it funny and interesting that my NC was also started by accident. When I wrote the initial email to her I hadn't had any intention of then telling her off and kicking her out of my life. But when the coin was reversed and my needs/feelings came into light when it wasn't convenient for her, she had no concern for them at all and then outright dismissed them, trying to guilt me into bringing them up when I did. **** that and **** her. We're better off without them
uneek74 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks Wannabdone! for the words of encouragement. I am 10 days NC and feel like I am progressing after being in constant daily contact with my MM for 6 years.
sleepessinoh Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Way to go and thank you for sharing! It is inspirational to see what others have went through and overcame. We ended 3 weeks ago and I am 9 days into NC. My A was 8 months long so I am expecting this to get easier for me than others who have spent years in their A. Yesterday I actually started feeling better about things. I have spent this time crying alot but also asking myself alot of hard questions and doing alot of soul searching. Today I realized I thought about him on my way to work, he lives in that town and on my way home. But I did not think about him at all during the day. I am getting better. I am also fumbling with this "idea" he has of remaining friends when I am ready. Trying to identify no fault boundaries. But I dont know. I asked for a month initially and I guess Ill know when that month is up. He keeps making himself "avail" to me but I am not biting But I needed to be ok without him in my life to see if there is a spot in another place in my life. I dont know. I dont hate him and that is what makes it so hard. I dont share the same story. My MM never said he was going to leave. I was just a stupid girl that fell in love with a married man. I wish I could hate him, would make it alot easier. NC seemed like such a harsh thing for me to do. But I can honesty tell you that NC is why I had such a great day today!!
fooled once Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 You are doing great. Each day you are getting stronger and healthier and happier. Hang in there!! You will come back stronger and will be happier than you ever thought possible!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Way to go I may not have the time invested in my affair that you've had in yours, but I feel our situations are somewhat similar. Keep it up and congrats on taking your life back! I find it funny and interesting that my NC was also started by accident. When I wrote the initial email to her I hadn't had any intention of then telling her off and kicking her out of my life. But when the coin was reversed and my needs/feelings came into light when it wasn't convenient for her, she had no concern for them at all and then outright dismissed them, trying to guilt me into bringing them up when I did. **** that and **** her. We're better off without them Thank you NBBS! I am proud of you as well. I absolutely LOVE how you did it. It is interesting when we are not there to be their cheerleaders how they can't step outside of themselves and offer up some apologies or conversations we might need. I mean, I knew it was always somewhat about him and his drama, I just dismissed it because he had a lot going on. More than me..... but know why??? Because I took care of my ****. he just whins about it and never changes anything. And by no means have I been honest, I mean come on I am having an A, but the web of lies he spun was insane. I at least came clean with everything, and didn't keep up the blaming and lies. Him doing that just made his issues stick around and get bigger. You are right!!! We are better off with out them. GO US!!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Thanks Wannabdone! for the words of encouragement. I am 10 days NC and feel like I am progressing after being in constant daily contact with my MM for 6 years. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU uneek!!! 10 days is huge!!! Keep it up girl!!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Way to go and thank you for sharing! It is inspirational to see what others have went through and overcame. We ended 3 weeks ago and I am 9 days into NC. My A was 8 months long so I am expecting this to get easier for me than others who have spent years in their A. Yesterday I actually started feeling better about things. I have spent this time crying alot but also asking myself alot of hard questions and doing alot of soul searching. Today I realized I thought about him on my way to work, he lives in that town and on my way home. But I did not think about him at all during the day. I am getting better. I am also fumbling with this "idea" he has of remaining friends when I am ready. Trying to identify no fault boundaries. But I dont know. I asked for a month initially and I guess Ill know when that month is up. He keeps making himself "avail" to me but I am not biting But I needed to be ok without him in my life to see if there is a spot in another place in my life. I dont know. I dont hate him and that is what makes it so hard. I dont share the same story. My MM never said he was going to leave. I was just a stupid girl that fell in love with a married man. I wish I could hate him, would make it alot easier. NC seemed like such a harsh thing for me to do. But I can honesty tell you that NC is why I had such a great day today!! Thx sleepess!!! Don't fool yourself that because your A was only 8 months, it won't be hard. You love someone, whether for 8 months or 8 years, they make a tremdous impact on your life. You are doing the right thing and I am proud of you. You deserve more, and I hope after the trial month, you can see things clearer. I'm glad your not biting. Him making himself avaialbe keeps you from being able to have a clear head. You are far from stupid. I can sit her and say I was stupid for falling for a MM, I knew he was M. However, when your in the "give love a chance stage", you want to see if it will work. I think you are incredibly smart. Only 8 mths into you and you are already looking at it in detail. Good for you!!! Oh and also, I go from loving him to hating him... fyi.... neither one of those makes it easier. I was hoping it would as well, but nope. Again congrats to you. KEEP IT UP!!! :bunny::bunny:
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 You are doing great. Each day you are getting stronger and healthier and happier. Hang in there!! You will come back stronger and will be happier than you ever thought possible!! Oh FO.... you are one of my fav's on here. thank you darling. I hope it continues to get easier. Who know what tomorrow may hold. I might be on here sobbing. But right now... I'm feeling pretty damn good. Thx so much!!!
TurboGirl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Way to go!!! I know how difficult it is, and can totally relate with your post. Keep it up, keep it... don't EVER contact that narcissistic SOB again. He is not worthy of you. Take it easy, and do something nice for yourself today! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Way to go!!! I know how difficult it is, and can totally relate with your post. Keep it up, keep it... don't EVER contact that narcissistic SOB again. He is not worthy of you. Take it easy, and do something nice for yourself today! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: Ah.... and here is one of my other favs!!!! TG!!! Thx sister. i plan on it. Now hang with me..... I might have a stupid day.
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