This flat out sucks!

[burntout]

This is my first post, and like many of you here, I need to get some crap off of my chest, and hopefully receive some feedback from people who are in a similar predicament.

 

I'm 27, and broke up with my gf of 2+ years back in December. The time we spent together was very good, IMO - never any cheating, lying.... It wasn't perfect by any means, but I don't know of any relationship that is. She's someone I've known since I was 8 (her family was friends of my family), and someone who I have always thought highly of. Anyways, to give a little background on myself, I didn't grow up with much, worked my way through college, and have developed a very strong work ethic. Last summer, I got a great job as an analyst with a top Wall St. firm, something I worked very hard to achieve. While the benefits of the job were obvious ($$, challenge, prestige), I knew the one drawback was that I'd have to spend alot more time working and commuting (2 hour commute each way). This I could see, was going to be a problem, as my gf was most definitely of the needy/clingy variety. Throughout the relationship, I gave her everything - time, money, support, you name it , it was hers for the asking. I disucussed the job situation with her, and she said she understood, would support me, and make more of an initiative to become a little more independent. After a couple of months on the job, the strain on our relationship was evident. As I said she is a needy-type girl, and with me working/commuting 12-14 hours a day during the week, our relationship started to unravel. She relied on me so much, that she almost seemed like another job when I got home - a great girl no doubt, but high maintenance. Towards the end, we really didn't argue or anything like that, we more or less started to resist each other, and we finally decided to mutually call it quits. At the time I was at peace with the decision, I figured time would sort things out. I thought we'd eventually get back together, and move closer to NYC, easing some of the strain. I never did stop loving her, and we continued to talk and hang out up until the middle of February, though less frequently than when we were together. Then, her calls became less frequent - I heard from her about once a week til mid-March, but I thought giving her space was for the best. Come mid-March, I write her a nice e-mail saying how sad I am over the state of our relationship, and how I miss her. She then calls me a couple days later and dropped a bomb on me - she's dating someone else - someone her mother set her up with. I didn't know what to say, and got off the phone a few minutes after feeling like someone had just punched me in the gut. Needing closure or something to that effect, I called her a week later, and ask her a bunch of questions. She tells me she really likes this guy and that she wants to be my friend. It's a very emotional conversation and we both cry (which was the first time I ever did in her presence or over the phone, as the case may be). I get off the phone with her by telling her I love her very much, that I know she never meant to hurt me, and that I will no longer be contacting her. Since then, I have not initiated contact, but she did send me a brief e-mail a few weeks back(nothing significant, kind of like a 'how are you' e-mail), of which i did give a polite reply. (I'm not really sure why she sent it, any suggestions?) I've subsequently heard that her new relationship is going good, and while I do hope for nothing but the best for her, the news that her new world and bf are grand made me feel so replaced. A good part of my life basically revolved around this girl for 2+ years, and now with no possibility of reconciliation, I feel empty and depressed as I constantly think about her. I just don't understand how someone can jump right back into a serious relationship so soon after the one we just went through. I mean, we talked of marriage and spending our lives together, and for all I know, she's having those same conversations with her new bf.

 

The worst part, I guess, is that I constantly second guess myself; did I make the right decision? It also sucks knowing that following my dreams to Wall St. played a role in losing someone dear to my heart. On the other hand, I take solace in the fact that in the give and take of our relationship, I gave 80-90%, and took only 10-20%, without question. And, while I love my career, she was ALWAYS priority #1 to me.

 

In the end, yeah, I know I'm going to be fine, I've gotten through another break up that was much more messy. This one just sucks so much more because I know she's a good girl. I wish I could be mad and angry at her, but I can't, she didn't do anything wrong, and, neither did I. I still love and miss her terribly. Mixed emotions these days, my friends.

 

Thanks for listening, this is the first time I've written the story out, and it's a little therapeutic. If anyone has any comments, I'd aprreciate hearing them.

[uriel]

Sounds like this girl got into a serious relationship right away because she needs to have a man who does 80-90% for her. She's used to your doing it, and took the first ship that sailed by to keep up this service. She hasn't replaced the unique, individual you that she loves; she's replaced the functions that you performed in her life.

 

That's why she wrote you. She misses you, but she needs the other (time, attention, guidance, whatever). Bottom line: The other needs being met by someone, anyone who marginally fits the bill matters more to her than you do.

 

Did you sacrifice her for Wall St. or did she sacrifice you for getting her own needs met? You can look at this either way. The fact is you are both young and developing. It's reasonable for you to invest in your career. Why isn't she investing in her own future to this degree? Why is she allowing herself to be a clinging vine?

 

I guess the only consolation I can offer is this: The relationship wasn't a healthy one for you if that's an accurate portrait of her dependency and your distribution of resources. In time, when you find a love who can stand on her own two feet and be more of an equal partner, you'll be glad for the break up. You need someone who will help support you and accept you for the man you are working to be and the man you are. Right now, you're too lonely and have too many regrets to feel that.

 

-- uriel

[LILUIL]

I can somewhat identify to your story but my experience was totally different with an ex.

 

I had an abusive bf who would beat me up whenever he got drunk and I would just let him. That went on for 5 months. I was young and naive and I thought I was showing "unconditional love"

 

I was a dumb ass, i know that now.... many many years later! Whew!

 

The similiarity is that we both feel we did everything right but yet our love is not received and given to us in the same measure.

 

I learned the hard way that I cannot control what my partner feels or does, neither can love be measured accurately by what is done or not done by us or our partner.

 

Leaving him was difficult coz I was so attached. One day when I could not take it anymore I walked the door.

 

In my situation I know I did right thing.

 

As for you my friend, I think that if the contact between you ceases for some weeks/months, end of the day both parties will be sure of their stand in the relationship. Take some time off.

 

You'll live!

 

And know that you are not alone. Someone else is probably reading your story and thinking of what to say to you.

Hang in there bro.

[pixiegrrl28]

Also, her new relationship could just be a rebound relationship.

[kgal]

Hmmm.....sounds to me like you gave your all and this 'ship still didn't work out. I'm sure that time will work things out for the best for you as well...and you just have to hang in there...have faith! We don't know why things happen sometimes...and I understand how that rejection feeling goes. It totally stinks! But...you've got a lot to look forward to and focus on. Try looking more towards your future and see the good things that you've accomplished so far... If she loved you and wanted to be with you...then she would've dumped this one guy the second you called and told her how you felt. I think the fact that she is moving on means that you should try to as well. I'm sorry this happened...but you'll get through! I'm sure!

[burntout]

Thanks for your insight Uriel. Yeah, I can honestly say it was a one sided relationship - if something had to be done I did it. She's a fairly motivated girl, in fact she's getting her masters degree next week, and will be a teacher. I'd like to send her a congratulations card, but I'm not sure if I will.

 

It's her personal relationships with guys that I don't get, she's the type of girl who just can't stand to be alone. She's had a good amount of serious and semi-serious bf's over the years, though none of her other relationships lasted nearly as long as ours did. I guess I hate to think I was just another one in line.

[burntout]

SH2803geeDS, sorry to hear all that you've been through. There is no excuse for ANY type of abuse, especially physical. Any man who'd raise their hand to a woman is a coward in my book, plain and simple.

 

I haven't talked to my ex in 6 weeks or seen her in 3 months, though the pain I continue to feel is a constant reminder. Yeah, it'll get better, and I know first hand that time does heel all wounds, but I'll probably be questioning myself as to 'why everything went down the way they did' for a long time.

 

Thanks again.

[burntout]

Hey kgal, you're right, she has moved on (in a rather swift manner if you ask me ;^). I'd like to move on also, and believe that I am moving on, although it's at a snail's pace. It's weird though, the fact that I do have alot of good things going on in my life right now makes me a little sadder. I guess there's a price for everything, and at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself.

[kgal]

Originally posted by burntout

Hey kgal, you're right, she has moved on (in a rather swift manner if you ask me ;^). I'd like to move on also, and believe that I am moving on, although it's at a snail's pace. It's weird though, the fact that I do have alot of good things going on in my life right now makes me a little sadder. I guess there's a price for everything, and at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself.

 

I know the feeling of moving on at a "snails pace" .... I'm trying to get on myself...and what really helps me...is focusing on the reason I'm here in this world...well one of the reasons...and it helps me to stay driven and not lose sight of my career. I know that it's hard when the one you love isn't there by your side...cuz alot of the support I've gotten over the years for my career has been from my ex. BUT>>>>gotta press on right?

[burntout]

yeah pixie, maybe a rebound, i kind of doubt it though. from what mutual friends have told me, she and her new bf are already spending a ton of time together. in the end, time will tell.

[pixiegrrl28]

Just because, they are spending a ton of time together does not mean that it still couldn't be a rebound.

[burntout]

Ran into my ex this weekend and her new bf. And, it was weird. Went out to a local bar with my sister and cousins to meet up with a couple of my friends. And low and behold, there she is, first time I've seen her in 3 months. She came over to me and my sister (which I give her credit for) to say hi, and I was polite, yet rather cold. The encounter was brief, she gave me a hug, and I proceeded to go back into a conversation I was having with a friend sitting at the bar. Within 15 seconds, she started crying to my sister (who she is friends with), to the point of where my sister and her had to go outside the bar. I didn't realize this, as my back was turned to them and was talking to someone else. Anyways, my sister said as she was crying all she said was how this is all so hard, and that she misses everyone (i.e. me and my family and friends). After they came back in, my ex proceeded with her bf for the rest of the night as if nothing happened - hugging, kissing.... I ignored her for the rest of the night, though I can tell you that if I had a dollar for everytime that she or her new bf glanced over at me I wouldn't have to work this week.

 

This is all so strange, and I don't really know what to make of it. She was the one who decided to move on, and damn it, her new bf is sitting at the bar while she's crying over the presence of me, her ex.

[meanttolive4ever]

yea it does suck...and i think really she's on a rebound and it prolly wont work..most rebounds dont. They are jus used to fill the gap to make up for the other person not being there. My ex is on a rebound with a high school chick..so how do you think it makes me feel? they wont go out anyways together cept to her house and thats it..i think hes afraid ill see him and lash out on her...which i could but then he would lose respect for me. He's a very jealous person and anytime id be talking to my guy friends he'd get upset. But thats ok cause i know he'll regret it.

[burntout]

Uriel,

If you happen to read my last post, I'd appreciate your input.

Thx

[sanjnyc]

just cus she decided to move on doesnt mean she will not have feelings when she sees you. Whatever you guys shared is not erased cus she broke up with you. I saw my gf at a bar about a month ago and she was all over me, kissing me and telling me she misses me and loves me. She wasnt with a guy or anything but I figured she would be cold but she wasnt. Who knows what games she was playing. After I left the bar, I told her to call me when she got home if she wanted to. I didnt hear from her until a week passed and I finally called. Stupid me. I must say I felt good after leaving the bar but then I felt even worse when she didnt call all week. Its almost like they want to keep that string attached somewhat so you can keep chasing. I have way too much pride to keep this up so I'm done calling and telling her my feelings. If she comes around then great, if not then I'll have to deal. She just signed on and didnt say hi. There goes my analytical mind again.

[burntout]

sanjnyc,

 

It's easy to get caught up anlayzing every little detail of every little action, word, message..... It's extremely hard, if not impossible, to come up with an answer. Man, do I hate games.

 

Thanks