ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I have recently begun dating again. I've been out with one guy twice, and he is good looking, very nice and funny. I had a good time and we plan to go out again. Previously, all of my relationships have developed with someone I met in my everyday life (work, school, social group) So, I have never really met up with a stranger for a date and I am looking for some advice. He is clearly into me. He said he had a very good time, and hugged a little longer than I would have. He texted that he hopes I got home safe, and wants to go out again. How long should it take me to figure out if I am into him or if it's more of a friend connection? I am thinking that next time (date 3) we should definitely kiss and that will help determine if there is a spark. And I imagine he will eventually ask me how I am feeling about dating him, since he keeps commenting on how much he's enjoying it. I feel like a deer in the headlights. So, my questions actually apply to anyone I might date. I have walls up because my ex was such a jerk. I am still pretty numb inside, but want to explore meeting someone new. I want to feel good and eventually love again. Any stories about your dating experience or pointers for me are welcome. Thanks
Professor X Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You know yourself better than we do, so ask yourself how it happened with you previous RS: Did you feel the spark prior to the kissing or not? I can tell you that I can feel it before the kiss and if its not than I won't even bother with the kiss.
madjac74 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I tell you this...I ended up in bed with my SO on our first date but as much as I wanted to kiss her I didn't. We had the best time and I knew the spark was there so I knew that first kiss could wait till the next date
Author ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 ProfessorX, In previous relationships I always developed a crush on someone well before ever getting involved with them. So, they were on a pedestal from day 1. I think this approach is too fairy-tale like and I am trying to think things through more. I have been on one date before and I wasn't interested in the guy at all, it was clear. So, I didn't see him again. But, with this guy I feel like this is a gray area where I am just not sure. I guess the best option is to take things slow until I figure it out and if he isn't ok with that, then it will end anyway. I'd like to hear from other LSers too. Has it ever taken you time to warm up to someone, or is it always immediate/intense attraction?
Author ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I tell you this...I ended up in bed with my SO on our first date but as much as I wanted to kiss her I didn't. We had the best time and I knew the spark was there so I knew that first kiss could wait till the next date In bed on the first date? How much did you drink? Good for you for waiting though. I think that's nice. I slept next (same bed, no touching) to a male friend while out of town and I know that there is zero interest there. It's so weird to be on the fence about this guy though. I don't know why it's not clear to me yet. Tough.
oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 How long should it take me to figure out if I am into him or if it's more of a friend connection? I am thinking that next time (date 3) we should definitely kiss and that will help determine if there is a spark. I think I would know if I was attracted to someone without needing to kiss them, and I wouldn't kiss them if I wasn't already attracted as more than just a friend. So, my questions actually apply to anyone I might date. I have walls up because my ex was such a jerk. I am still pretty numb inside, but want to explore meeting someone new. I want to feel good and eventually love again. Are you sure you're ready to date? Is it fair to whoever you're dating if you're still numb from your previous relationship? It sounds like it's going to be an uphill struggle for any potential suitor!
madjac74 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 In bed on the first date? How much did you drink? Good for you for waiting though. I think that's nice. I slept next (same bed, no touching) to a male friend while out of town and I know that there is zero interest there. It's so weird to be on the fence about this guy though. I don't know why it's not clear to me yet. Tough. No she was the one who went out for drinks. I had to go to work after our date. I enjoyed the date so much that I texted her after work and she invited me to her hotel. We stayed up till dawn lying in bed talking and laughing...there was no need for a kiss. It was really the best date I ever had! If I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I would have kissed her a lot!
olivec Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 ProfessorX, In previous relationships I always developed a crush on someone well before ever getting involved with them. So, they were on a pedestal from day 1. I think this approach is too fairy-tale like and I am trying to think things through more. I have been on one date before and I wasn't interested in the guy at all, it was clear. So, I didn't see him again. But, with this guy I feel like this is a gray area where I am just not sure. I guess the best option is to take things slow until I figure it out and if he isn't ok with that, then it will end anyway. I'd like to hear from other LSers too. Has it ever taken you time to warm up to someone, or is it always immediate/intense attraction? Yeah i've had that happen before with this girl i dated for over a year so sometimes you can grow to like a person especially if their treating you good. However because the feelings weren't as strong intially i fought with myself to stay in the relationship longer than i should of. Ultimately I probably should of went by my gut and never allowed it to develop into a realtionship. Its funny though because my recent ex g/f the reason i stumbled upon LS. I had tremendous spark and great chemistry, but yet here i am single lol. So sometimes you just never know until you try. I can tell you though that your already not sure about him it tends to be a bad sign as your forcing yourself to decide if you like him or not. It should be very clear yes or no.
thatone Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 ProfessorX, In previous relationships I always developed a crush on someone well before ever getting involved with them. So, they were on a pedestal from day 1. I think this approach is too fairy-tale like and I am trying to think things through more. I have been on one date before and I wasn't interested in the guy at all, it was clear. So, I didn't see him again. But, with this guy I feel like this is a gray area where I am just not sure. I guess the best option is to take things slow until I figure it out and if he isn't ok with that, then it will end anyway. I'd like to hear from other LSers too. Has it ever taken you time to warm up to someone you can't limit your dating pool to people you already know, or you'll be very frustrated when you run out of prospects . what you're describing is perfectly normal. that's how it is for everyone.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Are you sure you're ready to date? Is it fair to whoever you're dating if you're still numb from your previous relationship? It sounds like it's going to be an uphill struggle for any potential suitor! It's possible that I am not ready. It is also possible that I will be affected by the residual hurt from my ex until I move on. Maybe it's just a phase, but maybe it has changed me into a new person. It's been 3 months and I get a heavy heart a lot, but I haven't cried in a week about it. And that was only because I saw the ex out and he was a jerk to me. The new guy and I went to a spot that was the last place my ex and I went the day we split (it wasn't my idea to go there). I looked over in the corner to where the ex and I sat and I didn't feel sad or upset that I was with this new guy and not my ex. I am trying my best to let go and move on. I don't think I am being unfair to anyone if I am upfront and honest. And if it comes to it, the honest truth might be that if I am not sure, then I must not be into him enough. Edited September 6, 2011 by ScienceGal
oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I don't think I am being unfair to anyone if I am upfront and honest. Yes, I'll agree with that. I think that if someone I was dating told me that she was still crying over her ex as recently as a week ago I would think she probably wasn't over him yet, but at least I would know about it.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Yes, I'll agree with that. I think that if someone I was dating told me that she was still crying over her ex as recently as a week ago I would think she probably wasn't over him yet, but at least I would know about it. Yeah, I suppose if a guy told me that I would have to really consider dating him too. The new guy asked about my dating experience and told me a little about his. His most recent ex was awful (he had only nice things to say about the others). I did not tell him about the crying, but I did tell him about seeing my ex out and what he said to me. I told him it is hurtful and I don't like that I actually trusted someone that could be so cruel. He said that my ex sounds very insecure. Then we moved on to another topic. So, he knows I was hurt by my ex. I'm just going to take things slowly and address anything as it comes up.
Finch Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Hey SciGal, I am of two minds about this. It is possible that because you're still hurting you may not be quite ready to date, and this may be causing some of those "on the fence" feelings about this guy. However, I also think it's good to get back into dating and meeting new people because it may help you move on a little faster. It will show you that there are nice guys out there who are interested in you, and that can be a very positive experience that may give you back some faith and self-esteem. And, as you said, you're being honest and upfront about the fact that you were recently hurt. As long as both people know the score I don't think you're being unfair by testing the dating waters. All that being said, I still think you'd know if there was a spark or not. Go on another date if you feel you need to, but generally I have found that attraction is either there or it isn't. I have never needed to kiss someone to find out if I'm attracted to them. I think wanting to kiss them is one of the signs of attraction. If you want to use a kiss as a litmus test, then you probably aren't all that into him. And from your posts I think your instincts might be telling you the same thing.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 you can't limit your dating pool to people you already know, or you'll be very frustrated when you run out of prospects . No kidding! Because of my last break-up I refuse to date anyone that is a friend of a friend or in a social circle I am in, at least for the time being. I am branching out to meet new people! That way if it doesn't work, I don't have to deal with it affecting other aspects of my life.
Recommended Posts