a bit of a blip

[electronic_man]

Hi all,

 

I've stumbled across this great well of heartbreak that is LoveShack last night as I was struggling with coping and good old Google came up trumps.

 

It's been 2 months since my ex of 4 years suddenly left from my life.

 

One day we were fine, the next she literally disappeared from earth, wouldn't answer calls, she wasn't at her house. It was all very odd.

 

Then after about I week she sent me an email saying that she saw me as a friend, the relationship had gone stale, she felt she was having a breakdown and that she wanted time alone.

 

I then spent the next 2 weeks in the deepest depression I've ever found myself in. I lay on the sofa, didn't eat for 5 days, I wouldn't talk to anyone, I neglected my work. My family were ever so worried and thought I'd actually gone mental.

 

Anyway, there was a little bit of fight left in me and managed to slowly re-emerge back into life. I bought some great books which really helped me get back on track and took each day as it came. With the help of a great friend (who i sadly neglected for the past 3 years), I felt like I was getting back to normal, that I could actually live again and that there was a future out there....possibly a happier future too.

 

Now here I am, 2 months on.

 

I feel as though I've used up all of my resources "staying strong" and I'm desperately low on positive thoughts and the pain is becoming unbearable.

 

I recently found out that she'd been in touch with my sister-in-law.

This really upset me as I'd cut all contact, blocked her from FB, and basically tried to delete her from my life.

I know that she's probably just checking if I'm okay or whatever, but how dare she! She made the decision to not be with me anymore so what right does she have poking her nose into my life again?

 

Since I found this out, I've struggled and it feels like a massive setback. My mind ran away and I started thinking that she might want to get back together and that her getting in touch with my sister-in-law was her way back in.

 

I then went on to let myself down, I created a new account on FB, had a bit of a stalk..and basically found out she's been with someone for the past two months. Although this obviously does hurt me, it comes as no surprise as I'd already mentally prepared myself that this would happen.

 

I know that we could never get back together, mainly for the reason that I wouldn't have her back. If she can disappear and leave me once...she can do it twice.

 

Now, every morning, the first thing i think about, even before I open my eyes, is her. I thought I was over this stage but it feels like it's ten times worse. The pain is immense. I'm struggling to motivate myself to work, my mind is occupied with thoughts of her.

 

Somebody suggested that I take up a new hobby, so I went out and bought a bike and have started cycling quite a lot. So whenever I felt pain, I put on my cycling gear and went out for a ride. Trouble is, I've been cycling and exercising so much that my body is so tired, along with my brain..and I physically can't go out now whenever a thought of her enters my head.

 

I suppose I'm just looking for a bit of advice as to where to go from here so I can resume normal life again.

 

Has anyone else reached this point after a while where they've felt that the fuel to carry on is running low and if so, what did you do to re-fuel?

[Nohbody]

Welcome to hell.

 

What you are going through, you realize, is normal. Four years is a very long time to be with someone, and obviously at some point she got cold feet. She may have been with you for some time waiting for 'the right time' to disappear. Regardless, that was very cowardly of her.

 

That you have made up your mind to keep her out of your life is good. The fact that she is checking on you may be a subtle form of manipulation on her part or it may just be that she feels guilty. Don't interpret that guilt as anything other than what it is - selfishness. She doesn't care about you, she only wants to make sure you are doing well enough that her conscience can remain clear.

 

What to do next? Focus on a new project, do something you've wanted to do for a while, take yourself out on a date. It's up to you to figure out who you are, not in relation to anyone else. Try to resist the urge to stalk her, and keep up the good work. It seems like you are doing many of the right things. Now it's up to time and the desire to get past this.

[olivec]

I'm going through the same thing as you man. Its been 5 months for me. Thank god I got support from my friends as that has helped alot. I'm afraid its gunna take alot of time but you gotta remain strong and continue to focus on yourself and take it day by day.

[visualbasicide]

was 5 years with me, and she was cheating at the end of it, lying about it and then disappeared to save herself the guilt of seeing what her actions had done to me. I did much the same as you, it comes and goes man. each time it hurts a little less than the last and the ups last a little longer.

 

one day she was there and one day she was not. A hard situation to face for sure. Don't think you are doing anything wrong, it just happens like this. I think part of the healing process is actually accepting that you loved someone vastly more than they loved you.

 

Everyone gets upset, "how could I love someone that did this to me? that did these things or behaved like that?" I myself and beyond that old fight. I realize I could do so because my love was genuine and it doesn't make me less of a person having done so. In many respects if you can still love someone that has hurt you, it makes you more of a person and a respectable and selfless one at that.

 

I have had months on the upswing and then dipped back down and each time it happens I find some new angle of the situation I have yet to deal with or accept. It's all part of the struggle I guess, to examine it from different aspects so you can come to grips with it. If we we're forced to actually face the totality of the situation all at once, I don't think our minds could handle it.

 

As nohbody suggested, find an outlet for when you need to vent but also figure out the things in life you like and do them. Hobbies or activities that you like are a good thing. Much of the healing process is also about self discovery. I know many people are thinking "self? hell, if I cared about self, I wouldn't be in this situation!"

 

I understand it's a hard shift to make too, but a necessary one. You just keep on with what you are doing, don't talk to your ex and don't ask about her either. You can talk about how you feel about her and all that, but don't get any new info on her, it will just set you back because each new thing you hear you will have to deal with. In this instance, the more the merrier couldn't be further from the truth. Ignorance is bliss is more of the standing rule when it comes to contact or info about the offending party.

 

Just keep on with what you have been doing and don't think that because you hit a low spot that anything is wrong. That's why they call it an emotional roller coaster, it has ups and downs as you go along.

 

You keep on working on you and it will all come out in the wash. Hang in there champ.

Edited September 6, 2011 by visualbasicide

[Wesker]

I know that feeling. I was with my ex for close to 8 years when she dumped me. You can almost say 7 years in a way since she basically was living a lie for the last year. Telling me she felt stuck, and unhappy, etc; yet not saying a damn thing about it to me. That is until the end. I too suspect she was getting involved with someone else since she's apparently getting married soon; and we only been broken up since June. Time slowly does help. I know I'm a bit better off now, than I was at the beginning. Just keep telling yourself that it's her loss, and that someday they'll realize that. Only by then, you'll be living the dream with someone way better.

[electronic_man]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

It's comforting to know that there are others who have experienced a similar situation.

 

I told all of my family to never mention her name again. I've deleted all of our mutual friends of FB, removed everything that belonged to her out of the house, I've basically tried to just remove anything that reminded me of her - within reason obviously, I can't throw out the car!

 

I had a bit of a realization this morning regarding the reason why I can't motivate myself for work.

I think one of the reasons why I'm finding it hard to motivate myself is this;

 

I started my own business when we were together, I put a lot of effort in and my main motivation back then was so I could provide for a future for me and the ex, save up, get a mortgage etc..

 

Now she has gone, it feels as though my motivation has gone because that future is not going to happen anymore.

I can't wait for someone else to come into my life who I feel like I can start a future with again - that could take years.

 

So I feel like I need to conjure up some kind of new motivation..but I have no idea what it is or where to find it within myself.

I'm hoping time will come up with new answers and a new motivation. Fingers crossed.

 

Another thing that scares me is the whole going out dating thing.

I've never been one for dating.

All the women I've had relationships with I've met through chance, and there has been a running theme through all of them - music.

I used to be in a band and I was the one who was pursued, always after we played.

 

I've been out with friends to pubs and bars but the women who frequent these places are either too young, too slutty, too old and most importantly, none of them are my type at all.

 

Maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone new at the moment. When I think about it I don't want to be with anyone.

I think my "barrier" is well and truly up and set so high that I can't look over it and nobody on the outside can look in.

[visualbasicide]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

It's comforting to know that there are others who have experienced a similar situation.

 

I told all of my family to never mention her name again. I've deleted all of our mutual friends of FB, removed everything that belonged to her out of the house, I've basically tried to just remove anything that reminded me of her - within reason obviously, I can't throw out the car!

 

yeah the car thing sucks, I still have an suv I don't need or really want because I had a "family" in mind when I bought it.

 

I had a bit of a realization this morning regarding the reason why I can't motivate myself for work.

I think one of the reasons why I'm finding it hard to motivate myself is this;

 

I started my own business when we were together, I put a lot of effort in and my main motivation back then was so I could provide for a future for me and the ex, save up, get a mortgage etc..

 

Now she has gone, it feels as though my motivation has gone because that future is not going to happen anymore.

I can't wait for someone else to come into my life who I feel like I can start a future with again - that could take years.

 

So I feel like I need to conjure up some kind of new motivation..but I have no idea what it is or where to find it within myself.

I'm hoping time will come up with new answers and a new motivation. Fingers crossed.

 

This is true for myself as well and a hard hurtle to overcome, all the motivation was to make the life of someone else the best it could be and now that they aren't there you ask yourself "what is the point if that future is gone"

 

The reality is, you should do all of the above for yourself, and if someone else lucky enough to share it with you comes along, all the better, but if they do not, you will still be the person you want to be.

 

Another thing that scares me is the whole going out dating thing.

I've never been one for dating.

All the women I've had relationships with I've met through chance, and there has been a running theme through all of them - music.

I used to be in a band and I was the one who was pursued, always after we played.

 

I've been out with friends to pubs and bars but the women who frequent these places are either too young, too slutty, too old and most importantly, none of them are my type at all.

 

Read above.

 

Maybe I'm just not ready to meet anyone new at the moment. When I think about it I don't want to be with anyone.

I think my "barrier" is well and truly up and set so high that I can't look over it and nobody on the outside can look in.

 

I would agree that you are not ready to meet someone new, and I myself am totally ok with that thought having come around all you have said above to see things the way I do now.

 

That "barrier" is comprised of a lot of things, acceptance is a big part of it I think. Understanding what happened, the "REAL" reasons why and not with all the questioning and self doubt getting in the way of how we perceive things. Just work on you and the rest will start to fall into place as time goes on. Figure out what you want out of life for just you to be happy and then when you get that worked out you can start to think about making someone else happy again, not before.

 

Be patient with yourself and take as much time as you need to get your feelings and goals in order, keep up the good fight and you will be better for it.

[Dblock10]

broke up 2 months ago, you find out she has been seeing someone for 2 months... doesnt that say something? she obviously was seeing this guy a little while before you two officially broke up?

[visualbasicide]

broke up 2 months ago, you find out she has been seeing someone for 2 months... doesnt that say something? she obviously was seeing this guy a little while before you two officially broke up?

 

True that. Makes you despise the ex a little more when you connect the dots too.