katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You can read my other topics for the full story if you can be bothered but the short version - I asked for a break with my bf of 7 months as I felt neglected, a week later he told me his depression was affecting him and he needed space to not let it affect us. A girl he'd just met thought I was the reason he was upset and moody, thought she was better for and pushed herself between us. It upset me, he didn't see the problem as he thought she was just a friend so he saw that the arguments we had over he were just causing drama and he couldn't take it. A month after we stopped talking he was with her, he said he bonded with her over our relationship issues, clearly a rebound but it hurts none the less. So, I still want him back though, I can see how he changed because of his depression and I blame the majority of what happened on the other girl and I feel my ex would be back to who he was when we were together once he sorts himself out and is away from her. I miss him and how we were, though right now there is no feelings, it's the memories and the experiences I wanted to have with him. Basically I would just like to talk to someone right now.
smudge21 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Maybe, like so many of us, you are missing the fantasy - the perfect image you have now of this guy in your head and heart, not the true him, the person you split from. You still have feelings and because of that he's kinda' on a pedestal and you're seeing a rose-tinted image of him... that's what you're missing and wanting back. I would love to get back with my ex and have all these happy memories, my heart tries to trick me into believing she was perfect and the best thing ever. She's definitely still on that pedestal. But if we did get back together, reality would kick in and what I know now would more than likely ruin anything we had. She's not the person my heart is trying to convince me she is. I'm sure in your situation there is also a bit of regret and jealousy, just in the background maybe. Someone else has got with your ex and that hurts, no matter who's done the dumping. Your title really says it all - it's not him you really want, it's what he meant to you; the affect he had on you; the happy times and the feelings you got from them. That's what you want back... in truth, that's what we all want.
Author katie.x Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Maybe, like so many of us, you are missing the fantasy - the perfect image you have now of this guy in your head and heart, not the true him, the person you split from. You still have feelings and because of that he's kinda' on a pedestal and you're seeing a rose-tinted image of him... that's what you're missing and wanting back. I would love to get back with my ex and have all these happy memories, my heart tries to trick me into believing she was perfect and the best thing ever. She's definitely still on that pedestal. But if we did get back together, reality would kick in and what I know now would more than likely ruin anything we had. She's not the person my heart is trying to convince me she is. I'm sure in your situation there is also a bit of regret and jealousy, just in the background maybe. Someone else has got with your ex and that hurts, no matter who's done the dumping. Your title really says it all - it's not him you really want, it's what he meant to you; the affect he had on you; the happy times and the feelings you got from them. That's what you want back... in truth, that's what we all want. This is exactly it, this is exactly what I mean. I want what I had and what I see in him. It hurts knowing he's now sharing that side of him with a terrible, manipulating person and he can't see that. As much as i don't want to be waiting for their break up, I will be very happy on the day they do fall apart, however far away it may be (though everyone around them see it coming to an end quickly). It's hard to take him off the pedestal as when we were together, we had no issues, the usual small arguments but never any blow outs. Once apart and trying to give each other space(he has depression) this other girl keep rearing her ugly head and it'd make my upset, which would then upset my ex and at the end of the day, he needed to be happy for himself. So he selfishly told me I was the problem, instead of the other girl because I was a stand alone, where as she was his best friends best friend, friends with people in his band and he was going overseas and staying where she worked - i was the easy option to cut out. That is the part where he changed, he didn't have the respect for me to push away this other girl because it'd upset more people than just cutting me out, and he saw it as the easiest way for him to be happy with no care for my emotions. I know he feels the guilt over everything, I know he knows he was wrong and mistreated me, but he's covering it with his rebound. He thinks this short term happiness will erase the guilt and rift between him and I, but it won't. Sooner or later he'll either see this girl for who she really is or his depression will take over again and his issues will all come back to the surface.
smudge21 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Sadly his issues are his and his alone - as much as you feel you should help, often we can't and when we try, we only end up getting more hurt. Don't let this feeling of compassion cloud your judgement here and keep holding on to feelings for him. He's made his decision by getting with this other girl, now you have to make yours. I sense in your post that there is still plenty of hope that somehow, somewhere, at sometime, something will happen that will make him realise his mistake... and maybe come back to you? I think we all have that hope, but the thing is, who will come back. The guy you love, or someone completely different? You say he's changed but in reality I don't think people change at all. I think when we meet someone we put on a cloak and be what that person wants, we show our best sides and do everything we can to please that person. When things end, we go back to the real us. So in theory we stay the same we are, but we just get seen in a different light. Same for my ex, same for yours. You need to focus on you now and your healing. Whatever happens in his life needs to be out of your mind. If he does come crawling back, let him crawl just that bit further. Maybe by then you'll have met someone new, someone more deserving and better for you.
Emilia Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Things weren't working between the two of you so you asked for a break. He just found a way out basically. It sounds like the two of you have no future, 7 months together is enough to work that out. It's completely normal to feel this sort of melancholy after a break up but the two of you had no future. You need to start dating again
Author katie.x Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Sadly his issues are his and his alone - as much as you feel you should help, often we can't and when we try, we only end up getting more hurt. Don't let this feeling of compassion cloud your judgement here and keep holding on to feelings for him. He's made his decision by getting with this other girl, now you have to make yours. I don't feel I should help, he made his mistakes and has to learn from them, as I have. As hard as it is to believe me, I don't actually have feelings for him. I mean I care about him as a person, but I feel whole again. It doesn't make me said knowing he's with this girl, it hurts being treated with no respect, but it's more in a friend way now if that make sense. I sense in your post that there is still plenty of hope that somehow, somewhere, at sometime, something will happen that will make him realise his mistake... and maybe come back to you? I think we all have that hope, but the thing is, who will come back. The guy you love, or someone completely different? You say he's changed but in reality I don't think people change at all. I think when we meet someone we put on a cloak and be what that person wants, we show our best sides and do everything we can to please that person. When things end, we go back to the real us. So in theory we stay the same we are, but we just get seen in a different light. Same for my ex, same for yours. Of course I still have hope, I'm human. I loved the guy and we really did have (as corny as it is) a beautiful relationship, everything clicked and just felt so right. I know you can understand what i'm saying because i'm assuming you've had the same feelings for someone. If he were to come back, he'd be the guy I knew. If he stays as the guy he moulded himself into to suit this new group of people he's around then he wouldn't bother coming back. I think people change, and i'm not saying that for he sake of having a difference of opinion, I think people grow and their personality can change based on who they surround themselves with. And especially with his depression, he wants people to like him but he thinks people won't like who he is on his own so he moulds himself to fit in with them. Even the people he now hangs around with have said to me that they can see how different he is. You need to focus on you now and your healing. Whatever happens in his life needs to be out of your mind. If he does come crawling back, let him crawl just that bit further. Maybe by then you'll have met someone new, someone more deserving and better for you. I love how everyone on here is so caring for everyone else, saying i'll find someone deserving I'm not counting anything out, if i meet someone and theres a connection then i'll jump on it, by no means am I sitting at home crying about my ex or rejecting advances of guys. I've been on dates with guys but they haven't had that something that made me forget about my ex while with them. So it's a mixture of not being fully ready and having met someone, but i'm not closing my emotions by any means. I want to find someone that does really care.
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