Not Acting Bothered

[Tailor2000]

Im engaged to be married but my wife to be is driving me nuts.

 

It doesn't come naturally to her to put others first and she also has problems taking care of herself. She rarely lets anyone in to help her either.

 

She has a carefree attitude, whatever will be will be. She doesn't initiate anything, she just waits for everything to fall into place.

 

This is the impression she gives, but when it's something she cares for or is bothered about, she is there, leading the way.

 

The problem is I know she likes spending time with me, but she's not bothered about whether she spends time with me. She takes me for granted and it doesn't upset her not seeing me for weeks on end. She loses track of time so a month seems like a week and she thinks she has all the time in the world. Time away is no issue to her.

 

We had a big fight because she went on holiday for a week. I have no problem with time apart, but she said she'd miss me but she didn't show it - no texts, no gifts, just facebook updates saying how much fun she was having.

 

As if a week apart wasn't enough, she then had other plans before and after the holiday and was happy to spend even longer away.

 

Maybe it was bad timing, but she would have cancelled a couple of those things if they clashed with something important to her. One was a coffee evening with one of her social groups. I just wanted to spend an evening with her to buy a meal, make a fuss, knowing I wouldn't see her for a week. But no, coffee group comes first because she hasn't seem them in ages.

 

To the point, I've dropped things to put her first, I've put myself out to be with her as long as possible, but when the situation is reversed, she's not willing to drop one thing. She does what she wants and squeezes me in round the edges.

 

I would do anything for her, but it doesn't seem she would do the same for me.

 

We did eventually find one day free between us, so instead of spending one and a half weeks apart, we only spent one week two days apart. But instead of going somewhere just the two of us where we can be emotionally intimate and have a chat and try and talk about this, she wanted to go a gig - it's not particularly special, it's on every couple of months. Again this just seems like she is dodging the issues and doesn't seem to trust me enough to go anywhere alone. I've had to fight so hard to get her to go out alone with me in the past.

 

Knowing she can deal with her other responsibilities, her volunteering and her courses, when she can't be bothered thinking of me, when she can't even be bothered with helping me plan the wedding, it troubles me greatly. She once bought me an ice cream without needing prompting. But gestures like this are far too few and far between.

 

Maybe she's just comfortable with me. Maybe she's too comfortable as she seems to be not trying, not making the effort, being lazy, selfish, uncaring. She isn't bothered about spending time away from me and she isn't bothered about doing something special before she goes away.

 

I've tried discussing it with her, but she doesn't understand. She just said we'd see each other after the holiday. She did grant me the privilege of seeing each other for half an hour after one of her coffee groups the day before she went away. That's not the same as spending a quality evening with her.

 

Everytime we discuss, she does say that she is bothered, she does care, she does love me and she can't wait to be married. But she's not doing anything towards it.

 

I wanted to go to the gig, but I would rather spend a quality evening, alone with her, but HER plans have prevented us spending one evening alone together before she goes on holiday. That's a big red flag. A few days after she came back, she went out for a meal with the girls! They can take her out, but I can't!

 

I'd like to try to be more like her and show her how it feels, but why should I change? She wouldn't get it either. I know I should probably concentrate on doing my own thing a bit more, but I don't really have excuses as to why I can't see her, because Im around the house most of the time. I want to see if she would change her plans to see me. I don't think she would.

 

Should I have told her flat out, we're not going to the gig, we're going for a meal? How do I deal with someone who's not making any effort in the relationship but doesn't understand what the problem is because they're so carefree and they want me to be the same?

 

T

Edited September 6, 2011 by Tailor2000

[Mutant Debutante]

I'm sorry but...even if she's really in love with you...which I doubt, honestly...you guys are totally incompatible. Don't marry someone who makes you feel like this, seriously.

[TaraMaiden]

I second that.

You think you have problems now?

What about when you start a family and she's emotionally cold towards her own kids?

You want your children to grow up with a mother who cannot be asked to show any demonstrable affection?

 

I hate to say this, but you need to salvage whatever you have invested, emotionally, and walk.

Away.

[smudge21]

It's clear she has got used to you being there and she knows you'll always be there, which allows her to do whatever she wants, when she wants. A few may call that a doormat...

 

I don't honestly see this working out between you unless you deal with it now, head on. There's plenty of professional people who can help, but first you've got to speak to her and let her know how you feel. Her reaction following that should show you whether it's worth saving and/or fighting for.

 

That said, I do also feel that sometimes we let people walk all over us because we think what we're doing is out of love. We'll go out of our way to make things wonderful for them and can't stop ourselves from doing it. Sadly that sometimes gets abused and taken for granted. Your fiance may not even realise the pain she's causing you. Talk to her...

[Tailor2000]

When we're together, thing couldn't be better. She's attentive and affectionate. But when we're not together, it's like Jekyll and Hyde - she seems to get caught up in herself and lives so much in her moment she doesn't seem to care.

 

She talks about me behind my back - positive things, praises my name and worships the ground I walk on. I've told her this is all well and good, but she needs to show me and tell me this. She says she has a problem showing it.

 

Im worried that she doesn't have a bad word to say. Everyone has a gripe somewhere.

 

Is it love, or just infatuation?

 

Maybe it's love and Im just being too sensitive. Why shouldn't she see her friends? She saw me the day before, why shouldn't I be happy with that? Is there much difference in not seeing her for 10 days or not seeing her for 11 days? Do I need to go out for a meal if Im so secure in the relationship? She is my fiancee so she's going to be back. Perhaps Im too posessive.

 

But Im her fiancee, and the nagging doubt says she should be prioritising me especially when we're not going to see each other for a week.

 

The danger for me, is slipping into the mindset that we don't need to do anything together if we truly love each other and we should be free to do whatever we want to do. For me the idea of marriage is that you actually come closer together and do things together, not just carry on doing what you've been doing and follow one person around for all eternity. That does mean compromise on both sides, but she shows no signs of compromise. ;-(

 

T

[freestyle]

I agree with the other posters---

 

You're already feeling like you've been demoted to "The B List"--

 

.............and you're not even married yet.

 

It's likely to only get worse......

 

I'm not saying your fiance is a bad person, but it does seem like you're speaking very different languages.

 

Also , in my experience, people who are ALWAYS on the go, as she seems to be---and never complain, tend to be running away from things, instead of dealing with issues head on. It can be a form of escapism. I've observed this with a handful of close people in my life, and they all have very deep issues. They also spread themselves so thin , that everyone around them only gets crumbs of their attention. It's hard to relax with someone who seems to always have one foot out the door, and their had on the doorknob.............

 

 

In your shoes, I would think very long and hard about whether or not to build a life with this person..........Don't kid yourself that she'll settle down and change her behavior.

[Imageiko]

I only read the first paragraph of your post and already there was a major red flag that for me I would be seriously reconsidering marrying this person. You need to reevaluate that decision imo. Can you live with this person the rest of your life?

 

Also I agree with the others that just because you get married it isn't going to get better and the probability is higher that it'll get worse.