ilovehim77 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I am in love with a man who's SEPARATED from his wife. He told me that he had been separated for 2 years and he's working through the divorce. He has 3 kids. I am a single woman, NOT young. I want to get married and have kids within the next year or so. His divorce looks like it would be dragging on for years. Is it fair or not if I told him that I wanted to keep my options open by dating other guys. I still plan to be sexually faithful to him, but I am considering to see what my other options are. He's not dating others. Am I being unfair? I feel really bad about this. I'm in love with him. But it's my dream to have kids and a big family. I'm not willing to give that up for anyone. What should I do? Thanks.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Usually someone who is fresh into divorce isnt going to be into getting married right away AND having more kids just because your in a hurry. Youre better off leaving him alone completely and dating other guys. None of the other guys will have a chance if youre staying in love with him while dating them, which really youre screwing yourself and wasting time. So drop him and go look for a sucker elsewhere.
madjac74 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 A 2 year separation? I don't think this guy is in a hurry to end things with his wife. I've had female friends in your situation and the guy is either being held hostage by the wife with threats of never seeing his kids or he is unsure he wants to leave her at all and meanwhile he is testing the market to see if he can do better. That is how separations drag on for so long and you don't want that sort of drama in your life.
26pointblue Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I guess I'm wondering what you want to accomplish . . . you want to date other single guys so that you can have a family soon? Then I say let go of the separated man so that he can focus on what he needs to do to get divorced & you can focus on the other men. It's only fair to give whoever you're dating a fair chance, & you can't do that if you're tied up in love w/ the separated man you can't really be with b/c things are taking him too long. If you're doing it as an ultimatum, like, hurry things up or I may find someone else, the same thing I said above applies, but I would add to just communicate this to him & let him know how serious you are & maybe that alone will speed things up if he's serious about you. But don't make it so that you'd be with him if he's available for you, but you're always dating other guys as back-ups . . . that's not investing yourself truly into either situation & it's not bound to work out. I recommend you also posting in the Other Man/ Other Woman forum because of the more experienced perspectives over there. I'm not saying you're the 'other woman' b/c I don't know enough of the situation - does his wife know he's seeing you? Is she seeing other people & she knows they're getting divorced etc. or could it all be BS he's feeding you/her? I really don't know but in any event the posters over there have a wealth of experience with 'married' men in all stages, including separated/divorcing men, so they might offer you some advice as well.
Author ilovehim77 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 He told me that his ex has a boyfriend. She lives in the big house and he lives in a condo near work. But the other weekend, he told me that he had to leave (around 11pm). He told me that his wife was with her boyfriend and he had to go to the big house and stay there, because the kids would be waiting up for him. Thanks for your guys' honest opinions.
phillyfan Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 He told me that his ex has a boyfriend. She lives in the big house and he lives in a condo near work. But the other weekend, he told me that he had to leave (around 11pm). He told me that his wife was with her boyfriend and he had to go to the big house and stay there, because the kids would be waiting up for him. Thanks for your guys' honest opinions. Dude u really think the boyfriend is all cool with his girls husband crashin at their pad? BS. Is the dude even separatd? That don't sound rite to me.
coolheadal Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Why do you like to live like this.. Does this make sense to you. You could do better. Well his ex has him and the new guy so that makes 3. You're on the side for him to go to when he and the ex can't do anything. Crazy to live like this. You need to wake up and get out of this live style and get a real man that doesn't have this complex living arrangement.
thatone Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I am in love with a man who's SEPARATED from his wife. He told me that he had been separated for 2 years and he's working through the divorce. He has 3 kids. I am a single woman, NOT young. I want to get married and have kids within the next year or so. His divorce looks like it would be dragging on for years. Is it fair or not if I told him that I wanted to keep my options open by dating other guys. I still plan to be sexually faithful to him, but I am considering to see what my other options are. He's not dating others. Am I being unfair? I feel really bad about this. I'm in love with him. But it's my dream to have kids and a big family. I'm not willing to give that up for anyone. What should I do? Thanks. no you don't. you plan to be faithful to him til you meet someone else you'd rather have sex with. just like he is faithful to you until/when his wife comes around then he'll run back to her.
thatcatlady67 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I have been separated from my husband for going on 3 years. This Friday, he will be traveling up here to where I still live, so we can both go and file for our divorce. I can't speak for anyone else, but yes it is possible to be be serious about getting a divorce after such a long separation. It depends on the circumstances.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Of course it's fair. You owe it to yourself to keep your options open, since he is not in a place to make a real commitment to you.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It's your life. Not his. He may not take it well but those are the breaks. You'll regret it if you don't fulfill your dream of kids and it fizzles with him for some reason. I strongly support the decision to keep other irons in the fire.
Author ilovehim77 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks for the support and advice!
Author ilovehim77 Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I just looked up the guy on the county court website, for any filing for separation during the past 5 years. I don't see any record of it. Unless it was filed in a different county, he's not separated
Ruby Slippers Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I just looked up the guy on the county court website, for any filing for separation during the past 5 years. I don't see any record of it. Unless it was filed in a different county, he's not separated So... he's married, not separated, and a liar. Now that you've discovered his lie, you have to wonder how many other things he's lying about. I would dump him immediately.
grkBoy Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I don't think it's unfair...but in all honesty I would tell you to walk away. He's got a big major red flag, and you're better off seeking other men. Bear in mind he's got 3 kids already...so he might not be up for making any more. Plus now that you see nothing is filed, you can clearly see that while he might fit many things you want in a man, he's still not the RIGHT MAN.
Woggle Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Break up now or you will eventually become the OW.
Author ilovehim77 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I'm confused again ... I texted him and asked him if he ever filed for the separation papers. If so, have his attorney send them to me. I want to see it. He said that he was officially and legally separated, but because it's in CA, he didn't have to file papers. He said that he had the best divorce attorney in town and didn't want to get me caught up in the middle of it. He seemed so firm. Could he be telling the truth? I told him that I would date other guys until he becomes free. He said that I were a big girl and should do whatever I like. He also said that he was really exhausted from work and had no energy left to negotiate with me. He has been working 15 hours days for a big case. He will be back from the long trip next week. Should I wait for now? Or break up with him now? Is he telling the truth?
Emilia Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I'm confused again ... I texted him and asked him if he ever filed for the separation papers. If so, have his attorney send them to me. I want to see it. He said that he was officially and legally separated, but because it's in CA, he didn't have to file papers. He said that he had the best divorce attorney in town and didn't want to get me caught up in the middle of it. He seemed so firm. Could he be telling the truth? I told him that I would date other guys until he becomes free. He said that I were a big girl and should do whatever I like. He also said that he was really exhausted from work and had no energy left to negotiate with me. He has been working 15 hours days for a big case. He will be back from the long trip next week. Should I wait for now? Or break up with him now? Is he telling the truth? You should move on. There is no way this guy will be up for getting married and having kids any time soon - regardless whether he is really getting divorced or just making it up. Find a single man who wants to settle down like you do. It is extremely unlikely that your guy will be emotionally in the right place for another serious relationship for years to come
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 So... he's married, not separated, and a liar. Now that you've discovered his lie, you have to wonder how many other things he's lying about. I would dump him immediately. My ex wife left me and didn't divorce me for a year. Cut me loose, went NC the second I started asking uncomfortable questions and moved in the boy she cheated on me with. I wasn't going to pay for it, I told her if she wanted it she would have to do it all on her own so if her fantasy didn't pan out for her in the end, she'd have no one to blame but herself, which she eventually got around to. Just because there isn't paperwork doesn't mean it's not happening, though I understand the above case is vastly different from my own, just saying.
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