shalsays Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Hi everyone! Love the site, its so informative Warning this is going to be long and slightly complicated lol Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 4 months. We have a great relationship aside for this problem with one of his female friends. She(lets call her M) is actually my second cousin, but she lives about 1500 miles away and thats where she met my boyfriend 10 years ago lol They've known each other since they were like 10, basically grew up together with my other cousins living there. I met my boyfriend through them and he moved here to be with me. M's grandmother (my great aunt, she was like a grandmother to him) let him live with her. All great and fine. Till M moved to about 2 hours away from us to go to school. She would come visit some weekends, naturally she stayed at her grandmothers. When she would visit, I would not see my boyfriend at all that whole weekend (and we lived 5 minutes away from each other). I thought this was a little odd the first few times, but let it go. Then it really started annoying me. Why couldn't he take an hour or so to come see me? Why is she so important? Valentine's Day rolls around (our first one) and of course M is here to visit. Before she came, I had this idea that we would go to the beach and have a picnic and he would come back to my house and stay the night. M comes and its all ruined. He came over that day at least, but only for a few hours. M was texting him the whole time. Needless to say I was pissed. I felt like he was going to spend Valentine's Day with another woman. We fought about it. She came about one more time I think until Halloween. My boyfriend and I had plans to go to my best friends Halloween party, months before she was planning on coming. She arrives. We still go to the party but have to leave at 10 because he doesn't want to leave her alone. Uh her grandmother and two uncles were there, she was far from alone. This has happened a 5 or 6 times since. One of the times they decided to get drunk with my other two cousins who were visiting. I go on facebook the next day and there are pictures of her blowing on his neck, hugging on him, basically in his bed, and sleeping next to his bed sharing a blanket. We really fought at this point. I was done getting disrespected, but we worked it out.We had fights each time, only one time did he manage to spend a few hours with me that weekend. We actually fought on Christmas Eve over it. It was horriable. But he ended up moving in my house and we finally made a compromise that they wouldn't text much and he could only hang out with her with me. Which makes sense anyways? Well, she came twice since he has been living here. He made up excuses each time why he couldn't see her. This past weekend M came. He texts me from working saying she was here and I told him to just chill and that I didn't want to fight. He said he didn't either and that if he went over there we would fight and that he just wanted a good weekend with me. I told him he was ruining it by freaking out over her being here and that I was in a good mood. He took this as me saying it was okay to go eat dinner over there. When he told me, I was done. I broke up with him, and told him to call my M's grandma to see if he could move back in. He started crying because its not what he wanted. I didn't want it either, but I was at my breaking point and I had no idea what to do. I was tired of being disrespected and put second. We talked it out, he texted her saying he couldn't come to dinner and asked if she wanted to bowling with ME and him lol Of course she said no, which lead to her talking sh.it. She starts saying how he makes it so hard to hang out. He said that is hard when her and I don't like each other. She proceeded to tell him that she didn't say she didn't like me. And that one day he will see that everyone who is important is gone because he was too busy kissing my ass. At this point I was livid, but I'm the better person and didn't say anything. He reminded her of a facebook message I wrote her that she blew me off on. Of course she didn't remember, and they haven't talked since. This was Saturday. I have no idea what her problem is. I have always been nice to her. I've invited her places, to parties (she was invited to my friends Halloween party, of course she didn't want to go), she never wants to go. I tried to get to know her better, no alas. She blows me off each time. She just wants to hang out with my boyfriend and just him alone. Personally I think this is wrong. Its the same with my great aunt. I don't get invited when he is asked over for dinner. I was really close with her, until my other cousin and I got in a huge fight and she took her side. She has hated me since. I just don't know what to do. My boyfriend said he was done with her, that it wasn't worth being her friend if it meant losing me. Thats great and everything but I feel bad he lost one of his oldest friends. Plus, I'm still insecure and don't know how to get over it. I still wonder why he would rather spend those weekends with her instead of me. He told me he just wanted to see her and that he saw me everyday. Um thanks lol We are at a point where she isn't going to a problem I don't think. But I still have these insecurities to deal with. There is just so much hurt there and I don't know how to get over it. We have a great relationship and I want this problem to be gone. Thoughts?
Professor X Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 He told me he just wanted to see her and that he saw me everyday. My first impression of you is that you come off as quite possessive to say the least. Very controlling. If that aunt of yours comes visiting him once every couple of months than I don't see the big deal of letting them catch up and spend some fun time together. If she was an ex' of him, I'd understand your concern, but since she isn't and moreover, she's a really old time friend of his, I don't get it why you feel threatened. My ex' has a friend (guy) she's known for over 20 years and I never, even in my wildest nightmares, thought she'd do something inappropriate with him, and she never did. And the things they did on Halloween.. So what? Giving him a hug bothers you ?!?!!? sleeping NEXT to his bed (contrary to IN his bed). Your BF isn't your possession, I hope you know that. Anyway, I think it'd be best if you take a step back and rethink about your actions and if they were justified, cause at least the feeling I'm getting is that they weren't.
Author shalsays Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I'm not possessive at all. He can do what he wants when he wants, I don't care. But it is another story when another girl comes and he drops everything to be with her. I just think it is odd and very offensive. I have always put him first. Once I went out with a male friend pretty late at night without him knowing (he was sleeping, I wasn't going to wake him up) He flipped and I had to stop talking to him. Why the double standard? Granted I didn't grow up with him. Professor x: Did you know this male friend of hers? Or did he only want to hang with her and her only? Did they spend weekends at a time together, while she ignored you? And he did like her at some point before our relationship. No, they never hooked up that I know of. And she isn't my aunt, she is my second cousin. My great aunt is just a b.itch that adds to the situation.
Space Ritual Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I understand how you feel, and I think on the surface that it is a good thing you have at least communicated what you will accept in your relationship. I understand as well that your BF wants to continue his friendship with a longtime friend, if possible. But you have choices Seems pretty much like when it comes to M, you have little or no trust with your BF. I can't blame you if what you describe is accurate. You can choose to continue to feel the way you do, accept that they are friends and always will be, and that when it comes to M, there will always be that questioning in your mind. Or you can choose to move on either by yourself or with someone you feel will respect your boundaries. It may seem complicated but it's really not. All of us have a right to determine what we will accept and what we won't, so either you can continue to feel like crap about it or you can move forward. I just think this situation will not get any better so unless you are of the opinion that you can weather this storm I'd go find someone else.
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