The Forbidden Fruit

[PogoStick]

Haha how hard can it be? Like it's only been how long? It's hard to believe you run into each other so often unless your lives are closely woven. Since that's rare it seems more likely that you are making these encounters happen which is crazy! Don't be offended, just own it. The guy is rightfully concerned.

 

This is not fate and you are likely making it 1000x into more than reality. If he was interested then he would have said hello to you one of the hundred times you've exchanged glances. Ever notice the other people on campus who haven't seen each other over break..."Oh hey how have you been!!!?" /hugs

 

Have you considered he's already in a relationship? You should let it go. There are a thousand guys out there for you, but for our entertainment you should contact him anyways.

 

You get ONE LAST ATTEMPT. Tell him you're sorry if you've acted a little nervous and that you just would like to have 1 drink to catch up. Then give us an update.

[DirtyDancing]

Haha how hard can it be? Like it's only been how long? It's hard to believe you run into each other so often unless your lives are closely woven. Since that's rare it seems more likely that you are making these encounters happen which is crazy! Don't be offended, just own it. The guy is rightfully concerned.

 

This is not fate and you are likely making it 1000x into more than reality. If he was interested then he would have said hello to you one of the hundred times you've exchanged glances. Ever notice the other people on campus who haven't seen each other over break..."Oh hey how have you been!!!?" /hugs

 

Have you considered he's already in a relationship? You should let it go. There are a thousand guys out there for you, but for our entertainment you should contact him anyways.

 

You get ONE LAST ATTEMPT. Tell him you're sorry if you've acted a little nervous and that you just would like to have 1 drink to catch up. Then give us an update.

 

I don't know... this is not happening on campus btw, I graduated recently so the encounters are work-related. He HAS said hello if we see each other in close vicinity. If it's not close enough to speak, we make eye contact of course and smile. Unless it's me being a dumbass and pretending I didn't see him and continue walking. For all I know he sees me avoiding him and thinks, 'she wants nothing to do with me'.

 

I know there are a thousand other guys out there and have been enjoying being single (most of the time, anyway!) I've had very disappointing dating experiences lately though!

 

I'm not going to contact him, even for Loveshack entertainment purposes! We see each other often enough now, we are peers in our careers and I'm not a student anymore. Things have changed a lot. If I see him, I'm just going to be polite and "own up" to it like you suggested. If I get the vibe he'd like to talk more again, I would ask him if he'd like to grab a coffee or something. I think just being ok with things and friendly and polite is the priority here.

[PogoStick]

That sounds like a nice reasonable way to go, but not very interesting.

[DirtyDancing]

That sounds like a nice reasonable way to go, but not very interesting.

 

Well then, what do you suggest? I already feel like a weirdo for still getting so nervous around him. Some people on here even suggested he probably thinks I'm a stalker too (!) My friend pointed out how internally manic I was back then about it and I'm just so cowardly now thinking that came off outwardly (although I don't think so).

 

Why would I ask him out now when he has repeatedly told in the past that he thinks it's best to keep it at a professional level? Have things changed that I'm unaware of? Maybe the fact that the ex factor is long gone and I'm no longer a student? If he wanted to see me or talk to me, he knows how to reach me... that's why I hesitate to do anything other than smile (or try to) in the hallway!

[baadd]

if, that is, they are truly interested in the first place.

[ses]

I had feelings for an adjunct professor (PhD student) who shared an office with my professor in a foreign language department. I'm in my mid-20's, and he probably is in his late 20's to early 30's. I remember talking to him often in his office for several hours because he would assist me with an assignment. Very kind and sweet guy. I never did cross the line with him but I did eventually tell him of my feelings early last summer. I knew he had a girlfriend, and I just wanted to get it off my mind. He was very flattered but confirmed he had a girlfriend and implied that work could be a problem. Things are still good between us.

 

I also had a mild crush on one of my own professors but it wasn't as intense. In that case I told a fellow professor in my department (one of my mentors). After ensuring nothing untoward had passed, she recommended I just imagine him to be gay to deflect my feelings. I did receive a good grade in the course, but I never disclosed anything to him. He turned out to be straight and had a fiancée. All good.

 

Crushes are wonderful and a great motivation to pay attention in class, but don't idealize the man. I'm sure he's very accomplished but keep in mind he's a normal person with flaws. Don't put him on this pedestal only to be disappointed later. You do have to consider that he held a position of power over you for a short period, and his reputation is paramount, especially if he wants to seek tenure some day. Be cautious, and go in with your eyes open.

[FitChick]

If he was interested in you, HE would ask YOU for coffee or lunch. He probably has a girlfriend.

 

If you are outside when you see him, always wear sunglasses so he won't know for sure if you saw him or not. Inside the building, pretend to be on your phone and distracted. Maybe a nod or smile at most while saying, "Uh huh, that sounds about right. Let me know the outcome." Or some other script you have prepped in your head.

 

You are obsessed with this man. Start looking for a job elsewhere.

[DirtyDancing]

If he was interested in you, HE would ask YOU for coffee or lunch. He probably has a girlfriend.

 

If you are outside when you see him, always wear sunglasses so he won't know for sure if you saw him or not. Inside the building, pretend to be on your phone and distracted. Maybe a nod or smile at most while saying, "Uh huh, that sounds about right. Let me know the outcome." Or some other script you have prepped in your head.

 

You are obsessed with this man. Start looking for a job elsewhere.

 

Nice solutions but I don't think they are realistic. It doesn't matter if I work in that building or elsewhere, it's a small community in this field.

 

I am not obsessed, I get self-conscious when I see him that's all. Otherwise I don't think about it. It's just awkward and he seems just as nervous as I am which makes it just an uneasy feeling that gets to me.

[outsidethebox]

Is it holding you back from hooking up with someone else? You'll feel a lot better if you have a bf knowing he has a gf and unavailable imo.

[DirtyDancing]

Is it holding you back from hooking up with someone else? You'll feel a lot better if you have a bf knowing he has a gf and unavailable imo.

 

No, I've dated.. nothing serious... it never seems to progress past one to three dates before fizzling out or someone loses interest. I'm not really looking for a bf right now; maybe just someone to date casually.

 

Sure, what you said is probably true in a way, not that any of this really matters...in my experience anyway, it doesn't matter if someone is taken. I think if I found out or saw that he was dating someone, why the hell would I be surprised?! And vice versa... STILL, the same issues would resurface in me and that's what's so difficult.

 

The long and short of it is, this is just something I will need to learn how to deal with without letting whatever happened in the past affect what is now. We will continue to work in the same field and live in the same town for a long, long time... so I have no other choice but to suck it up and get over my insecurities.

 

I get obsessive thoughts about the entire situation, not HIM but about what happened before (the bad stuff) and it has affected the way I react or think about what happens NOW when I'm confronted with it. This is more of a personal/mental challenge for me than a 'crush' or 'obsession'... it's really hard for me to explain this to others who don't know me. It's just something I need to work through.

Edited April 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[FitChick]

Ask him to fix you up on a blind date with one of his friends.

[DirtyDancing]

Ask him to fix you up on a blind date with one of his friends.

 

very funny...

Edited April 4, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[DirtyDancing]

I'd like to finally end this thread because it's a dead horse at this point, and any update I post would most likely be a repeat. This has been a very pivotal point in my life and through all of the events of the past 2 years I've learned a lot about myself through good and bad situations.

 

I wish there was a way to delete everything prior to this post. From my heart, I just have to say the following, I guess in an effort to defend myself:

Honestly, it's just really hard for a girl to forget a man who was at one time not only someone she admired, who inspired her, but one who wanted to do anything he could to help her, and for a long time. It's very hard for me to forget a man who offered me to move in with him on that 'one' date.. who told me that I could have all the things that would make me happy, and that he was willing to offer them to me. Adding to that, it's hard to forget a man who looked at me in the way he did (for months and months), and who was so affectionate and warm and sincere and protective. He'd call me and check in with me, and as I mentioned he made it a point to keep tabs on what was going on with the ex situation... nearly a year after we had seen each other.

 

So, when I see him now, I'm reminded of all that and sad that I lost that chance because I know in my heart that it was sincere. I know that my ex caused him to stay away. All along he has inquired about the status of that situation, even recently, if he didn't know it by his own initiative. I'm sure that he doesn't think of me either unless we see each other, which has become very often lately... but I cannot believe that when we do that he doesn't feel at least an inkling of regret like I do.

 

I also know that his reputation was at stake, back when I was still a student, and certainly with the ex factor a looming threat. Now, things have changed and it doesn't matter whether he has a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife by now, we can never pretend like nothing ever happened. To see him reminds me of what could have been, because I truly believe it was our intention for it to progress further if it hadn't of been such bad timing.

 

And when he sees me now, he stops in his tracks, he stares, he smiles, he will say hello if we pass, has started to engage in conversation, perhaps just being polite. He won't take his eyes away from me if he spots me and it's killed me to feel so helpless and nervous. That's truly how I feel. I'm not obsessed over him, it's just so hard to see someone who you had such strong feelings for and mutally at one time, and not be able to do anything about it... wondering if there really is something that holds him back or in my worst fear and self-doubt that he thinks I'm just as crazy as my ex who threatened him.

 

Certainly these are thoughts that would drive a lot of people kinda batty, so there's my defense for going on and on about this. I'm done, I've said it all.

Edited April 5, 2013 by DirtyDancing

[Robert]

Thread starter, if you would like this thread re-opened at a later date then alert on my post and we will do so.