The Forbidden Fruit

February 15, 2013

None of this matters if he isn't asking you out on a date.

None of it.

You've spent a year and a half fantasizing about this man, and what he's thinking, and why he did X, and why he didn't do Y. You know what that amounts to? A huge waste of time that you could've spent finding and dating a man who wants to be with you. Instead, you are overthinking and analyzing everything -- even minutia -- to try to convince yourself that this man might possibly want to be with you.

Let me tell you something: if he isn't asking you out, he doesn't want to be with you, no matter how hard you try to rationalize it.

I learned that the hard way. You are learning that the hard way.

Do not, do not, waste another year and a half of your life worrying and wondering about this man. Stop worrying about why he is doing things. Who cares if he is curious, disgusted, aroused, intimidated, or nervous? Maybe he was looking at something else in his rearview mirror. Maybe he was looking in his rearview mirror and zoned out for a minute and didn't even realize you were behind him. Who knows? Who cares?

I promise you that he is not devoting this amount of time to thinking about you and analyzing your every move.

I feel like a complete idiot.

February 15, 2013

I'm sorry if I was blunt, but sometimes that's what it takes.

Like I said, I also had to learn this the hard way, so I know where you are coming from. It pains me to see you wasting this time. I did the same thing back when I was younger.

You will be okay.

Learn from this experience.

Move on and find a great man who loves you!

February 15, 2013

I'm sorry if I was blunt, but sometimes that's what it takes.

Like I said, I also had to learn this the hard way, so I know where you are coming from. It pains me to see you wasting this time. I did the same thing back when I was younger.

You will be okay.

Learn from this experience.

Move on and find a great man who loves you!

Fair enough, thank you. You're right, none of it really matters. Just seeing him is a constant reminder. I'll get over it.

Edited February 15, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 15, 2013

No sooner did I write this last entry did I pass him on the street. We weren't close enough to stop but close enough to see. I pretended not to notice him. This is my dilemma: I see him so often that I am constantly reminded. It's true, though... none of it matters if he's not asking me out. I'm not quite sure how to 'move on' or forget about him when it's becoming so frequent that I see him. I don't know how to make that shift.

February 16, 2013

ok, I read this whole thread, thus feel qualified to say the following. He thinks you're a stalker, and thinks your crazy ex is crazy, and probably doesn't distinguish much between the two.

He did take a chance and you walked out. It wasn't that forbidden, it could have worked if kept discreet. Except you couldn't keep your mouth shut around your crazy ex and couldn't keep him out of your email and from that point on he only placated you so as not to set you off. Yes, you know you could take a "I just can't do it, I wish I could" but he doesn't and can't trust that you could take it.

After you graduated he could have pursued the relationship but doesn't trust you. Him asking you specifically what you were doing in his work building should have scared the crap out of you. He was identifiyng whether you were stalking him. And essentially you're Fatal Attraction material now as far as he is concerned.

If you can't just smile and mouth hi when you see him that alone should tell you that you are. So just smile and get over the angst already. No way he tries to figure out that you're not. It was done when your crazy ex went after him.

And no, don't go after him telling him your crazy ex is crazy and you're not. He doesn't need the drama. That's very clear.

Don't want to be harsh but the advice of others wasn't working.

The attention had to be flattering though, there's no doubt.

Edited February 16, 2013 by outsidethebox

February 16, 2013

I agree that he probably thinks you are stalking him. You might find yourself being served with a restraining order. Find another man to date and then make sure he sees you with the new man to reassure him that you are no longer interested.

February 16, 2013

ok, I read this whole thread, thus feel qualified to say the following. He thinks you're a stalker, and thinks your crazy ex is crazy, and probably doesn't distinguish much between the two.

He did take a chance and you walked out. It wasn't that forbidden, it could have worked if kept discreet. Except you couldn't keep your mouth shut around your crazy ex and couldn't keep him out of your email and from that point on he only placated you so as not to set you off. Yes, you know you could take a "I just can't do it, I wish I could" but he doesn't and can't trust that you could take it.

After you graduated he could have pursued the relationship but doesn't trust you. Him asking you specifically what you were doing in his work building should have scared the crap out of you. He was identifiyng whether you were stalking him. And essentially you're Fatal Attraction material now as far as he is concerned.

If you can't just smile and mouth hi when you see him that alone should tell you that you are. So just smile and get over the angst already. No way he tries to figure out that you're not. It was done when your crazy ex went after him.

And no, don't go after him telling him your crazy ex is crazy and you're not. He doesn't need the drama. That's very clear.

Don't want to be harsh but the advice of others wasn't working.

The attention had to be flattering though, there's no doubt.

Wow. God, if that is true, that is absolutely terrible. I have to respond to a few points because this was quite shocking to read.

First of all, I don't understand what you mean by he was giving it a chance but I walked out. I had absolutely no control over my crazy ex hacking into all my accounts. That's ridiculous. I do see your point about placating me the situation was dicey, but he had no reason to think that I was crazy, nor am I. I don't know, I can see that maybe he was just being kind but I have a hard time believing that he thought I was just as much of a stalker. I didn't do anything that would cause anyone to think that about me.

Of course I could take a 'I can't do it, I wish I could.' Why wouldn't he think so also? Actually, that statement is hard to say to anyone; I've been on the other side, and no one wants to say that.

Also, I strongly doubt that he would think that I was stalking him just because I was in his work building. He knows what I do and even where I worked, so it wasn't unusual at all that I was there. He knows this.

And for the record, I did smile and say hi a couple times now. I'm the one with the composure when we have seen each other, able to smile and say hello. So I don't think that shows that I am what you call 'Fatal Attraction' material. Ultimately, I've been embarrassed about the whole situation with my ex, but that hasn't prevented me from acknowledging him or communicating with him. So I don't follow your point.

I'm just beside myself thinking that maybe that's what the frozen stares have been... fear. I just can't believe that. On the other hand, I do agree with you that he doesn't trust the situation. I hate to think that someone thinks of me that way when it's so far from the truth. If he does think this, what am I supposed to do about it? Just quietly accept that someone may think these horrible things about me? If there is any truth to what you say, I am absolutely humiliated... to add on to my humiliation already there.

February 16, 2013

I agree that he probably thinks you are stalking him. You might find yourself being served with a restraining order. Find another man to date and then make sure he sees you with the new man to reassure him that you are no longer interested.

That's a pretty severe statement about the restraining order. How could passing him on the street or getting on the freeway, or passing each other in a government building constitute stalking? That's a bit dramatic.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has seen me with another man by now, it's been so long.

February 16, 2013

I don't want you to feel humiliated. Or embarrassed. That wasn't intent to hurt you. Just dealing with reality and it is what it is and all that.

Also, I said he gave you "a" chance and you walked out. Night he took you to his apartment. That was your chance before crazy ex went after him. If you had stayed, and you hadn't said anything to ex except you're out of there, then that was the chance for it to work. But it was "a" chance.

Sorry you don't recognize that him asking you what you were doing in his building isn't Fatal Attraction level concern. It is. You need to accept it without having it feed yet more unwanted emotions.

What to do? FitChick laid it out clearly. That he maybe has seen you with someone at some point isn't it. Whether it be a guy friend, a lucky FWB guy who you lay, or even a romantic interest you develop, ideally you will be seen frequently with a guy by him and end of story of his concerns. Don't use it as jealousy bait for him, or introduce the guy to him, or anything. Just move on and when you do see him just smile warmly as you would any of your ex teachers who you had a good relationship with.

I would concentrate on getting guys hot for you so you have something more pleasant to think about, and the only embarrassment is how willing they are to kiss up and down your legs to get laid.

Edited February 16, 2013 by outsidethebox

February 16, 2013

I don't want you to feel humiliated. Or embarrassed. That wasn't intent to hurt you. Just dealing with reality and it is what it is and all that.

Also, I said he gave you "a" chance and you walked out. Night he took you to his apartment. That was your chance before crazy ex went after him. If you had stayed, and you hadn't said anything to ex except you're out of there, then that was the chance for it to work. But it was "a" chance.

Sorry you don't recognize that him asking you what you were doing in his building isn't Fatal Attraction level concern. It is. You need to accept it without having it feed yet more unwanted emotions.

What to do? FitChick laid it out clearly. That he maybe has seen you with someone at some point isn't it. Whether it be a guy friend, a lucky FWB guy who you lay, or even a romantic interest you develop, ideally you will be seen frequently with a guy by him and end of story of his concerns. Don't use it as jealousy bait for him, or introduce the guy to him, or anything. Just move on and when you do see him just smile warmly as you would any of your ex teachers who you had a good relationship with.

I would concentrate on getting guys hot for you so you have something more pleasant to think about, and the only embarrassment is how willing they are to kiss up and down your legs to get laid.

I'm sure you mean well, but I have to remind myself that only I know the whole story here.

I never said anything to my ex about that night. He never knew that I went this guy's place, or any details. The only thing he knew was that we went on a date and that we continued to talk. That wasn't my doing, it was his hacking into my emails to find out that information.

I have dated and would never use that as jealousy bait. Smile warmly? Say hello like a normal person? I have. I know the kind of person I am, what I went through, and know that I did nothing wrong. Again, it's me who breaks the ice and says hello, just as politely as I would anyone. And no, you are wrong. He knows that I work in the same line as he does, and there is no reason that he would think I was stalking him at his workplace. When I was his student, he knew that I had the exact same job and that I went there frequently. I am absolutely certain that he understands that. I have to laugh at that suggestion.. what am I doing carrying files in a government building? Hmmm... he's freaked out because we live in the same zip code, and are breathing the same air, huh? Totally Fatal Attraction, haha.

In all seriousness, I know who I am and exactly what happened. No one else here does. If he has his own hangups and insecurities, I can 100% say that I know I have been in the right in the way that I acted. While in the past, I struggled with why he continued to be so leading, that's in the past. It's not my problem that he stares like a deer caught in headlights at the sight of me... after so much time has passed. I assumed he had the balls to handle an adult situation but I guess he isn't as mature as I thought. If he clams up or stands frozen then that's his problem. I'm not that way. I don't believe that he thinks of me as a stalker, and I never will. I did get upset at reading the posts, but I had to bring myself back to what I know is reality and not internet-land speculation.

I have no problem getting guys hot for me, but thank you for your lovely visual.

Edited February 16, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 16, 2013

Do I need to go back and find the line where he asked you specifically what you do in the building? Because it's there. You keep generalizing when I point to one incident. The one incident is non-arguable.

Also the fact that you have smiled warmly doesn't negate all the furtive oh what if sees me, we're working near each other angst. For some reason you forget all that and say yeah, something better has happened in the past.

Also I don't care one way or the other how come hither you potentially can be, the answer is to a specific problem, what do I do. That's what you need to do. Get somebody else worked up over you even if it te shallowness is beneath you. It's not for anything but establishing publically that you have other guys drooling over you.

And yeah, that was a lovely visual, wasn't it?

February 16, 2013

Do I need to go back and find the line where he asked you specifically what you do in the building? Because it's there. You keep generalizing when I point to one incident. The one incident is non-arguable.

Also the fact that you have smiled warmly doesn't negate all the furtive oh what if sees me, we're working near each other angst. For some reason you forget all that and say yeah, something better has happened in the past.

Also I don't care one way or the other how come hither you potentially can be, the answer is to a specific problem, what do I do. That's what you need to do. Get somebody else worked up over you even if it te shallowness is beneath you. It's not for anything but establishing publically that you have other guys drooling over you.

And yeah, that was a lovely visual, wasn't it?

Ok, outofthebox, I'll humor you. I was there, and it was recently. He asked, what's going on? He then asked if I was there related to something else (that I cannot disclose) or if I was working for my old boss. He knows and has known my job title for a long time. It is no suprise to him that I would be there. When I was his student, we talked about how I spent time in that particular building.

Not following your second paragraph at all.

And I'm sure that he is well aware that there are other guys out there who would drool over me. He was only one of them and he knows that. What good would that do to hope that he sees me with someone else? That's playing games.

Yes, a great visual, I'll admit.

And on a side note, I haven't disclosed here the whole truth about what happened with my ex and obviously don't want to give too much detail. It was an extremely traumatic situation. The fact is that this guy knows the whole story mainly because of what he does for a living. He did his own leg work to keep updated on it, unbeknownst to me until he clued me in that he was aware of all the nuts and bolts of it. Due to that position, I strongly believe that he is more understanding of these things. And in all honesty, because of that traumatic situation and because of his role in it, I have clung to the thought of him probably more than I should. I guess for a time I kind of felt like he would rescue me or protect me or something like that. Now, that situation is long over, but to see him now reminds me of what I was going through back then. It causes me to get caught in a downward spiral and feel very self-conscious and doubt myself, thinking that I am a crazy person and that I am humiliated to have associated with someone who acted as crazy as my ex did. That's why it's hard for me to smile like nothing happened. I'm sure he feels the same. We can't just act like nothing happened. It did.

Edited February 16, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 16, 2013

Nice post. I'll look forward to more of your thoughts, DirtyDancing.

February 16, 2013

Nice post. I'll look forward to more of your thoughts, DirtyDancing.

Are you being facetious?

February 16, 2013

no, I like reading your thoughts. And I Liked your post.

February 16, 2013

no, I like reading your thoughts. And I Liked your post.

I believe you , and thanks. I think my last post was really getting to the heart of what may come across to the unknowing third party as 'stalker' and 'obsessive' tendencies. There has been some deeper and very serious stuff that I haven't included in this story because I guess I haven't wanted to confront it. It's been easier to dream about what could be or could have been with a man who I considered the hero in the story rather than get through the trauma of an ex boyfriend who wouldn't let go. When all the stuff was going on, I would reach out to him, and I think he knew the reason why I did. I think he continued to communicate because he did care, and was genuinely concerned. I can't say what his motivations are now, but it really isn't my concern.

This reminds me of someone else I met around that time. I told this person the entire situation because we were friends and he was helping me with some legal stuff related to it. He knew the entire story, including the subject of this post and the emails, etc. That didn't stop him from pursuing me. I don't know, he seemed to have the courage to step in and not be scared away knowing I had a psycho ex. He saw me at the bottom of the pit, in tears, calling him for advice, comforting me, he knew everything but he stuck around. I wonder why?

Edited February 16, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 16, 2013

I spent some time tossing and turning last night about now worrying he thinks these things you suggested (you, outofthebox and fitgirl.) So I wake up this morning and I have over 100 new emails. It looks like spam was sent out to all my contacts. So I open my email and there's an email to me with my name as the sender and no subject line. I open it and there are only a couple of recipients, including this guy. If what you say is true, and he's afraid of me, how damn appropriate is is it that a spam just happened to be sent out with my name and no subject. Just feeling totally self-conscious now.

Edited February 16, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 17, 2013

pretty bad timing. There may be another source to this, but this is similar to a Yahoo mail spam attack that was making rounds last couple of years. I don't recall the details but I recieved some weird emals like this and was based on being a contact in a Yahoo mail account that was broken into, everyone in there got spammed. (Purpose of these things is to click on an email link from a trusted sender, someone you know.)

I honestly don't have any advice on this for you in this situation. It's lose lose all the way around no matter what you do. You can start by removing his email from any contact lists you have although cat is out of bag already, past damage already done.

I guess I wouldn't contact him via email to tell him your account was compromised. If you're lucky he has a spam filter and the email(s) he received were filtered and he never saw them. Even if he did this stuff happens often enough that he might just delete and disregard.

You'll want to identify where you have his email as a contact, remove those contact listings, and google what to do for any accounts that have been compromised. Might be Yahoo, smartphone, Outlook, and fun times if you have his contact in multiple places.

wow 100 crazy spams to wake up to after tossing and turning on this. Just wasn't meant to be I guess.

February 17, 2013

pretty bad timing. There may be another source to this, but this is similar to a Yahoo mail spam attack that was making rounds last couple of years. I don't recall the details but I recieved some weird emals like this and was based on being a contact in a Yahoo mail account that was broken into, everyone in there got spammed. (Purpose of these things is to click on an email link from a trusted sender, someone you know.)

I honestly don't have any advice on this for you in this situation. It's lose lose all the way around no matter what you do. You can start by removing his email from any contact lists you have although cat is out of bag already, past damage already done.

I guess I wouldn't contact him via email to tell him your account was compromised. If you're lucky he has a spam filter and the email(s) he received were filtered and he never saw them. Even if he did this stuff happens often enough that he might just delete and disregard.

You'll want to identify where you have his email as a contact, remove those contact listings, and google what to do for any accounts that have been compromised. Might be Yahoo, smartphone, Outlook, and fun times if you have his contact in multiple places.

wow 100 crazy spams to wake up to after tossing and turning on this. Just wasn't meant to be I guess.

It was yahoo. And I'm sure people see these things often; I have anyway, and know just to disregard them. It was a ****ty thing to wake up to.

Yeah, truly, this whole situations had red flags all over it. I was so upset, having doubts about what I did and how I handled things; I asked my very trusted male friend who's known me for 15 years who knows the whole story if I did anything crazy and what he thought. He said absolutely not. I do trust his opinion.

I wasn't going to contact him about the email. I feel like I have a neon sign over my head that says 'TROUBLE' with an arrow pointing down. He probably sees me as that, a pretty woman, but off-limits and with baggage. C'est la vie. Nothing I can do about it. Onward and upward!

February 20, 2013

I've been trying to not feel sorry for myself and let my imagination run wild with what goes through his mind when he sees me. It's become quite frequent lately that I do see him, so each time I'm reminded of the whole situation with what happened with the ex and I try not to let it bring me down but it's hard to stay positive.

A very good friend of mine who knew my ex told me recently that when we first broke up, my ex bragged to my friend that he was going to or had contacted the subject of this post and threatened that he would destroy his career, let it out of the bag if he continued seeing me or if he didn't stay away from me. My friend said he wasn't sure if that was my ex just blowing smoke or if it was true. That's what I get wrapped up in thinking about; what horrible things do I not know about? Those are the thoughts that consume me. It's not about me not being able to accept no for an answer; it's not that at all.

I feel like I fell from grace when I was once on a pedestal. That makes me feel bad.

I'm reminded of this each time I see him, and now that I'm applying to grad school I can't ask for his letter of recommendation that he offered before, which I'm pissed about because he'd be a fantastic academic and professional reference. It's not so much his change of heart about pursuing something, but the fact that I'm absolutely humiliated about what happened. I think that's why I get so hung up about it. I wish I could fix it all. What I would do to have a chance to turn back time. I know there's a lesson to all of this. I'm learning.

February 20, 2013

Honestly not a thing you could do about the crazy ex. You could have even broken up with him before talking to the ex-teacher and he probably would still try to get revenge, done and said the same things to him, same results, you'd be in same place you are now.

He shouldn't have been able to do that to you and I hope there's karma for him.

February 20, 2013

Honestly not a thing you could do about the crazy ex. You could have even broken up with him before talking to the ex-teacher and he probably would still try to get revenge, done and said the same things to him, same results, you'd be in same place you are now.

He shouldn't have been able to do that to you and I hope there's karma for him.

Thank you. I think so too. We had already had the break up talk, and were separated so to speak. I was staying at friends' and with family during that time, and even in a hotel one week until he moved out..

It was during that time that we started talking and met for a date. I'm sure that no matter WHO it was that I started dating or was interested in after my ex, he would go after. I think it added fuel to the fire that the man in question had the title he did. My ex used that as leverage.

On another note, I feel so much better now. I'd like to say I can put this whole angst to bed now that time has passed. I've been feeling so self-conscious and embarrassed after thinking maybe he thinks I'm crazy, etc. I passed him again in the hallway today and he gave me a very warm smile and stopped to speak with me asking how the work was going. I was able to smile back and say hello. I think everything's going to be alright.

April 2, 2013

We keep running into each other very frequently and it's just really getting to me. I wish so much that it didn't. Lately, if it's not in the building or on the street, it's on the roads driving. I feel like a fool for still getting so nervous! He does seem to want to talk to me, he always makes eye contact, and I can feel him staring and eyes burning on me, but I'm such a dummy and self-conscious that I just keep on going. In the times that we've come face to face, I have been confident and we've been friendly and warm, but it's come down to us spotting each other at a distance and he'll look and I'll look but then I look away, or pretend I didn't notice.. just because I feel like he's rejected me and why should I bother if he's made it clear? I feel like he looks at me and keeps looking because he wants to talk to me or doesn't know how to approach the situation, certainly cautious considering what happened. It's not that he doesn't want to talk to me because he does! One of my close friends says this is a sign and I need to grow some balls and ask him if he wants to grab a coffee.

I need to get to a better place. It's very hard seeing someone so often, and will continue to see because of the vicinity. I've let go of a lot of the anger and hurt about what happened with my ex and that situation, being so traumatic... I'm so far out of it now things are very different than before. Seeing this man reminds me of my past and I don't want to stay stuck there any longer. The past is over, but I wish more than anything that I didn't have this regret.

I'm not crazy, I am a normal person but I admit to being very insecure when it comes to matters of the heart, particularly when I felt a mutually strong connection with someone. I know in my heart what I know, and I really don't want to doubt myself and my feelings anymore. I feel so disillusioned.

Edited April 2, 2013 by DirtyDancing

April 2, 2013

Just move on and when you do see him just smile warmly as you would any of your ex teachers who you had a good relationship with.

That includes at a distance.

April 2, 2013

Yes, I guess that's the simplest and most obvious thing to do, right? Really, how hard can it be?

I guess it's hard to do that when there is clearly tension. He does the same thing I do. The bottom line is I need to get out of the past and stop being self-conscious about what happened.

Edited April 2, 2013 by DirtyDancing

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