The Forbidden Fruit

January 14, 2012

Yes, you are delusional. Come back and read this in a year's time... I think you will be embarassed at how much this sounds like the ramblings of a truly crazy/obsessed person.

Thanks, Snowflakes. I just write in this way, a freestyle; unfortunately that has come across as "truly crazy" "ramblings". Yes, I've been clinging to this idea, but obsession is a pretty strong word.

A lot of people post to anonymous forums like these in a delicate emotional state who need advice. It's one thing to be not blowing smoke, but another to be tactful and sensitive.

Thanks everyone for your input; it's been interesting!

April 7, 2012

Well, I just wanted to conclude this story with something that happened this week:

I had an intuition about this situation and it turns out I was correct. I can't get into too many details about why there was a long silence between us, (I mentioned it previously), but once that barrier was broken, I reached out with a text and then the next day he called me. I wasn't expecting it, I thought an email or a text would be enough, if anything. I didn't think he'd still want anything to do with me, but a few months ago he did tell me that he wanted to talk when the ordeal was over.

I was so happy to hear his voice. This is not the ending I wanted, but I am happy and sad about it at the same time. He was keeping updated on the situation I was going through, up until the very end result, which was just the other day! This has been a process that has been going on since last fall. I didn't know he would be keeping tabs on it and seeing it through to the end. He didn't have a reason to, other than that he cared.

And it was clear all along that he sincerely has a lot of care and concern about me; and to this day! I was surprised that all along he's been checking in on me and that he still is, so many months later. He was still so incredibly caring; I could tell he still has feelings for me!!! He was so warm and genuine towards me, every single time.

He told me when he caught wind of my situation back in the fall, his name was kind of involved with what I was going through and he just wanted to stay clear while that was going on. I know that sounds vague, but due to his position, (not the teaching position), he had to be extremely careful. And I guess he still does.

He asked me when I was graduating; it will be later this year. He said that he is sure I will do really well in my career and good luck with everything. We actually coincidentally work in the same field, and it turns out it is a very small community of people in that field where we live. We know a lot of the same people. I am taking a year off work to finish school, but when I was in his class I was working. He said that maybe we'll see each other on campus, and if he could help me in any way, if he could do anything for me to let him know. (He did say that twice actually.)

But.. here's the heartbreaker:

He had a hard time saying it; I could sense the regret by the pauses and the tone: that due to the outside circumstances, it would..... be a....good idea if we just kept it at that level. (a professional level)

I completely understand his position, and in fact I do have a lot of respect for him; I always have. I have always known that his distance was unrelated to the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with me and it still doesn't. In fact, he still wants to talk to me and still even hopes to see me again. I knew there were feelings between us and I knew that my intuition was correct. I KNOW if the circumstances were different, and we crossed paths in a different setting, clearly we have both had feelings for each other and it could possibly rekindle in better timing.

We never even had a relationship, or even dated! We had one night, never even kissed, but that night was enough to start a fire. I always felt that we had a very special connection; yes, the chemistry, but he is one of those people that made a very powerful impression on me. And clearly, I madde a pretty profound and lasting impression on him too. These types of connections are rare, and very special. It's only happened to me once or twice in my life.

It is sad; but I respect his choice. I wish he was willing to break down the barriers but I know there's a lot of risk involved with seeing me. The hard part is knowing that he cares about me so much. It must have been a hard decision; I think he was on the fence for awhile. Now I want to see him more than ever! We're on campus together this semester and haven't run into each other yet. I think if I saw him I would fall to pieces.

Edited April 7, 2012 by DirtyDancing

April 7, 2012

Check the rules at your university, OP. My alma mater had a policy that lecturers and professors COULD date - so long as the student would never be in that professor's class. I know other universities are much stricter about this, to the extent that any professor cannot date any student. Professors and their student-lovers were expected, at my old university, to reveal the conflict of interest and to make other arrangements (although this would seriously stink if a student needed a class that only her boyfriend teaches).

I don't think anything is personally questionable about this relationship - while there was chemistry, it was kept in check while you were in his class. Now you say there is no chance you will ever be his student again. Great!

I do understand why he's concerned about your ex, though. It is never a welcome thing when someone is fresh out of a relationship, and especially when her ex is getting into her e-mail account to send out pleas to the new man.

I would say though - you're infatuated with this guy. It surely is the 'forbidden' nature of the relationship - he was once your superior! - that is probably feeding into the power of this infatuation. But realize that you truly don't know him all that well. I had the most powerful infatuation with my first ex-boyfriend, who wound up being total trash who treated me like crap. I hated him. I didn't have the butterflies in my second relationship, but we had a pretty stable pairing after dealing with some problems earlier in the relationship. You just can't assume that the butterflies/infatuation you feel after first meeting someone is genuine, or that it's a sign that he's a great guy.

The only thing it means is that you have a crush and you have the butterflies. That's it.

I'd advise you to spread your interest out among other men. It seems your lecturer friend is a little worried about pursuing you...and rightfully so with drama already happening so early on, even if it is truly over now.

April 7, 2012

I have attempted to check the rules in the past; from what he conveyed to me earlier on, he inquired and there was no strict rule, it would just be frowned upon. At the time though, it seemed that he was willing to consider it.

Yes, clearly there is a major infatuation... and the confusing part for me has been that I don't know him very well at all! I've had crushes and butterflies before but none that have sustained in intensity for over a year. I'm almost 30 and no stranger to being in love either.

There are just too many obstacles that came up for him and I think that he wasn't willing to risk his reputation for the chemistry and whatever romantic feelings he felt for me. Things got messy and too early on when the opportunity was tangible. It is sad.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I'd like to think that if a man really sets his sights on you and he feels strongly he'd be willing to break down all the walls that keep him from his goal. I know most will disagree with fairy tales, but I'm still not willing to give up on the White Knight fantasy. I hope I find that feeling again someday! I have looked in the past and recently, hoping to find it, and I will keep looking. I know he's out there; I did catch a glimpse.

July 17, 2012

Well, its been awhile and I had another little event occur this past week to continue on with this long saga! It seems like every couple of months something happens related to this story.

After my last post, I've been in a completely different place mentally and have been open to dating finally! The semester ended (with no sightings), I just returned from a long trip abroad last week and immediately went back to my old job.

While I was sitting at a coffee shop where I like to work, I noticed that he walked by on the street with a group of what I assume were his co-workers. We were separated by a window and a small patio, and I don't think that he saw me. I still got the same physical reaction as I always did when I saw him... dammit! I thought those butterflies and heart poundings would have dissipated by now!

Two or three days later, he walked by again when I decided to go back to work at that same place... and this time I'm certain he did see me! I looked down and when I looked up it seemed like he looked away, and repeated that twice. He did a double take and seemed to trail towards the back of the group he was walking with to get a better look at me! I was expecting if he ever saw me to duck and run away. I thought he would avoid me. His reaction was kind of surprising, although we unfortunately never made solid eye contact- of course.

It was one year to almost the date that we went on that date.. I thought that was really ironic that I saw him twice after so long and somewhere not at school where I'd expect to see him!

This is such torment; I know he saw me and I wish we could at least talk again. What bugs me is that he left our last conversation reiterating to please let him know if there was anything that he could do to help me. If he still likes me I wish he would make that clear. I know the situation I was going through a year ago would be a turn off for any normal person who is interested in someone new, but it was an unfortunate situation unrelated to me as an individual. And the student thing isn't my fault either.. thank god I have only one more semester though and he knows that because he asked.

Ironically, after we spoke on the phone a few months ago, my school sent out a mass email regarding a policy regarding student-teacher consensual relationships. For the most part, it's just generally frowned upon while the student is actually a student at the university and it requires disclosure to prevent conflict of interest. It's not as strict as I thought it was but it's still strongly discouraged, I guess.

It bothers me so much that I've tried and tried to get this out of my mind but I keep getting these little reminders intermittently and his previous mixed messages...I've been meeting other men lately and definitely interested in dating but there's always something that keeps me from moving forward and forgetting!

July 17, 2012

Wow, that's a tale you have there. You are not first, I assure you. There was a girl I went to high school with who was two years ahead of me. I heard about this later, as she and I were never in the same classes together, but someone told me there was always that something there between her and this one math teacher. Apparently, years later, they met up again. He had since divorced his wife (unrelated to anything to do with her) and they dated for a while. THey are no longer together, but I digress ...

You and the professor are on some dangerous ground here. The appeal is just what you said, that it's forbidden fruit. He could compromise his entire career if it got out that he had any kind of relationship with a student that was not platonic. And you might as well have a giant red letter A be pinned on your chest. Don't believe me? Let a few people know and then it will fly. Your old bf aside, understand that we are still a very Puritanical nation at heart. You have no idea how uptight people are, and it can and WILL offend others.

Still, has the professor contacted you since your get togethers? If you get together with him again, then know the risk you are taking. Keep it on the down low as well.

July 17, 2012

I just don't see the huge deal, although I understand the 'ethical dilemma' it would have presented if it were to have gone further. We are close in age, both unmarried, and I'm graduating very soon. What people think doesn't matter, but apparently it mattered to him. It doesn't seem right that people frown upon something like this considering the circumstances are unusual. It doesn't make him a pervert or me a slut that we liked each other and wanted to start seeing each other romantically.

A scarlet letter? I never cheated on anyone but I think I know what you mean when you say that. I'd be the woman labelled as a whore for possibly seducing her professor, right?

Yes, he and I have had sporadic communications since LAST YEAR, which was when we got together after I was no longer his student. Afterwards, he would ask me if I wanted to get together and say things like we should get together, I'd like to see you, etc. but nothing ever came of it because of the ethical dilemma he seemed to struggle with.

So long and short of it is, we never got to date but have had communications since last year and saw each other for the first time in a year the other day.. that's all. Other than that, no exciting 'forbidden' affair going on and no need to keep anything on the down low. Unfortunately it's just a stupid fantasy that can't be fulfilled.

July 18, 2012

You've waited this long, wait another semester and then go for it, at least to get him off your mind. Meanwhile, date other guys. You might actually find one you like better because he is real and not a fantasy.

July 18, 2012

I'm not able to quote Lucky One's comment, but honestly, most of that made me laugh. Right that I don't know if he has someone else, but I don't think he would agree to meet me and take me back to his place if he did.

But you did. Agree to meet him while you were living with another man, that is.

To be honest, I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who asked me out or agreed to go out with me while they were still living with someone.

Lots of people tend to feel the same way.

You should have waited until you were free and clear. I think you blew it. Sorry.

July 18, 2012

But you did. Agree to meet him while you were living with another man, that is.

To be honest, I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who asked me out or agreed to go out with me while they were still living with someone.

Lots of people tend to feel the same way.

You should have waited until you were free and clear. I think you blew it. Sorry.

I know, I thought I was free and clear. I wasn't even staying at the place where I lived at the time that I met with him, and I told this guy what was going on. He even told me to let him know when I was moved out and that he wanted to see me. Once I told him my situation his reaction was the opposite of turned off, which did surprise me. Of course I understand how that could cause someone new to run away, that just didn't seem to be his reaction by any means. Who knows.

July 19, 2012

wow what a story. it almost seems as if fate is trying to tell you something. but i guess that's for romantics lol.. i feel you should do what your heart wants to do - just ask him if that was him you saw that day and do not mention anything about meeting up or doing something w/ him. yes, he's told you he wants to keep it at a "professional level" but i feel he is just a little scared about what his colleagues will think of him and your relationship. in my personal life, i happen to go to a school where a professor ended up marrying one of his students (after she graduated) and it was/is not frowned upon at all. yes, ppl mention it but the professor is/was an amazing guy and in the end its your happiness that matters and your intuition served you well. You both had mutual feelings. Youre both adults so why the hell should it matter?

July 19, 2012

wow what a story. it almost seems as if fate is trying to tell you something. but i guess that's for romantics lol.. i feel you should do what your heart wants to do - just ask him if that was him you saw that day and do not mention anything about meeting up or doing something w/ him. yes, he's told you he wants to keep it at a "professional level" but i feel he is just a little scared about what his colleagues will think of him and your relationship. in my personal life, i happen to go to a school where a professor ended up marrying one of his students (after she graduated) and it was/is not frowned upon at all. yes, ppl mention it but the professor is/was an amazing guy and in the end its your happiness that matters and your intuition served you well. You both had mutual feelings. Youre both adults so why the hell should it matter?

Thanks, fivefive. I am a romantic and do believe in fate and coincidences. I agree with everything you said, and intuition certainly is a powerful thing. Sometime I think it'd be best to leave it up to fate to possibly cross paths again. I don't think I have the guts to contact him again, even though he gave me the invitation to.

January 18, 2013

I just wanted to document the events of this ongoing saga...

So, it's been awhile since I saw this guy, and I graduated from school last month and have been working full time. I knew that we both work in the same location sometimes, so I knew it was only a matter of time before we would run into each other I was hoping we would long ago, but it never happened until the other day. I've been extremely embarrassed and upset about what happened with my ex, and to this day I don't know what, if anything more my ex said to him than the emails he told me about telling him to stay away from me. Turns out my ex went into a jealous rage after we broke up and wouldn't leave me alone for a very long time. He wouldn't get over me and he continued to harass and bother me beyond normal breakup angst. The subject of this post (the guy) was aware of all of that, and I didn't know that fact until much later until he told me that he knew.

He and I had last spoke in the spring, and I saw him walking by outside while I was sitting in a cafe near my work several times over the summer. The other day, I was working, walking in a busy building, and I looked up to find him staring at me in the crowd. He was close enough for us to make direct eye contact and recognize each other. He didn't look away, and we held the eye contact for a second, until stupid me, I was so startled and I looked away and kept walking. I was with a colleague and couldn't really stop I guess, plus I was beyond nervous and surprised. He didn't smile, I didn't either, he looked at me with wide eyes and seemed like he was frozen or something at the sight of me.

I figured, what the hell, we work in the same profession and are bound to be running into each other; even if it is just a professional relationship that he chooses, I'd like to at least have that with him and be cordial and friendly. Of course I've had feelings for him and felt there was something there but I realized that it was likely that he probably lost interest by now. The next day, I sent him a simple, friendly email saying hello, acknowledging that I saw him the day before, and hoped he was doing well. That's it. Within minutes he responded (which surprised me to be honest), and he kind of mirrored what I had said, and ended it with a cold, clear 'I know you will be a success in whatever you do' or something like that.

I was hurt, and thought that was nice of him to respond, but really, not even a professional relationship?! Nothing? Doesn't make much sense to me at all. I don't know how he could go from wanting me for months and interested in pursuing something with me, then very caring, warm, and kind, always offering to help me and thinking highly of me to wanting nothing to do with me.

The very next day...I was walking out of the building where he sometimes works and he was crossing the street diagonally obviously coming back from lunchbreak back into the same building. We were far enough apart, but I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and I just continued walking in the opposite I'm sure he saw me too, and he also kept walking. I avoid him because I'm nervous, embarrassed, shy, and still get butterflies when I see him. WHy he would avoid me or cut me off completely even in a professional capacity is really hard for me to grasp.

I did nothing wrong, and I'm really hurting because I always thought that he and I could rekindle at least some kind of connection (even just a friendly or professional one) once things had cooled down and I wasn't a student anymore. Now I feel like I've been duped and he was insincere, and I feel like a fool for being so infatuated with someone who basically has resorted to cut corners to avoid talking with me. I don't understand why someone who once liked you a lot and maybe still does like you as a person would do that. I'm really hurt.

January 18, 2013

Long story short. Find a empty classroom

Have sex.

January 18, 2013

Long story short. Find a empty classroom
Have sex.

hahahahah... oh, if only that were still on the table!! The man now avoids me. I don't think he still wants to screw me, although I don't know why because we're both pretty hot if I do say so myself and we had talked about it once too and it would be amazing Dammit, why'd you have to bring that up?!

Anyone have any input as to why he would slam the door on it but act the way he has (i.e. stare at me in the hallway, respond quickly to every time I reach out to him, the mixed messages, etc.) Was he just freaked out by what happened and felt I was off-limits because of the circumstances? I feel like I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure this out. No guy has ever done this to me before.

January 18, 2013

I think you have been obsessing about a man who has no interest in anything real with you for far too long and it's time you move on once and for all.

You're living in a fantasy. And lying to yourself if you think you could have a "friendly, professional" relationship with someone who still gives your butterflies. He knows this too.

January 18, 2013

You're living in a fantasy. And lying to yourself if you think you could have a "friendly, professional" relationship with someone who still gives your butterflies. He knows this too.

I start obsessing about it when I see him or hear about him, etc. only because I feel like everything surrounding the situation was out of my control and I want to try and 'fix' it or something. It's just me spinning my wheels and clinging to try and control what is out of my control. It's hard, and I realize that it's unhealthy to obsess about it. It helps me to write it out and get it out, which I realize probably comes off as obsessive.

I'm not following your last sentence though; are you saying that he's shutting it down completely because he thinks or knows somehow that I'm still into him? Not sure how he would know that...if that's true I'm totally humiliated.

January 18, 2013

I start obsessing about it when I see him or hear about him, etc. only because I feel like everything surrounding the situation was out of my control and I want to try and 'fix' it or something. It's just me spinning my wheels and clinging to try and control what is out of my control. It's hard, and I realize that it's unhealthy to obsess about it. It helps me to write it out and get it out, which I realize probably comes off as obsessive.

I'm not following your last sentence though; are you saying that he's shutting it down completely because he thinks or knows somehow that I'm still into him? Not sure how he would know that...if that's true I'm totally humiliated.

It's a vibe. People pick up on it. Regardless of what you say or don't say. It's out there. More importantly you need to be honest with yourself though. You can't just be his friend when you're hoping for more. THAT would be humiliating.

January 18, 2013

He's older and more mature than you are. Likely he realizes that you are not worth all the drama.

You said he's successful and good looking. He probably has a girlfriend or other fields to plow. He's just not interested in you.

January 18, 2013

It's a vibe. People pick up on it. Regardless of what you say or don't say. It's out there. More importantly you need to be honest with yourself though. You can't just be his friend when you're hoping for more. THAT would be humiliating.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I've been having such a hard time understanding how he could turn like that, but if what you're saying is true that makes sense (and sucks). I'm just not sure how I'm going to put it behind me when I will be confronted with it (related to the work proximity, etc.) I figured we may as well at least establish a friendly and professional relationship for that reason alone even though of course I would hope to have a second chance with him romantically. I was just trying to be an adult about it!

January 18, 2013

Actually, seeing him frequently around work might help you get over the fantasy because you will have a good dose of reality. You will see him as human with flaws and eventually get tired of feeling bad. That's when you'll meet someone better. Always be polite, though, and don't let anyone else ever suspect anything went on between the two of you.

January 18, 2013

Actually, seeing him frequently around work might help you get over the fantasy because you will have a good dose of reality. You will see him as human with flaws and eventually get tired of feeling bad. That's when you'll meet someone better. Always be polite, though, and don't let anyone else ever suspect anything went on between the two of you.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Maybe I'm being dense here and spinning my wheels, but I don't understand why you would say not letting anyone else ever suspecting anything went on between us though. We were both consenting adults. Just keeping up appearances I guess is more important than the actual truth, I guess?

Edited January 18, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 5, 2013

Well, I FINALLY spoke to this man in person today. Geez, we really are going to have to get used to seeing each other around related to work....but today for the first time in a year and a half, we actually had a face to face conversation.

I was walking out of the building, and I saw him across the hall, standing alone. We both smiled at each other and he kept staring and still standing in the same place, so instead of walking down the escalator, I walked over and approached him. He didn't say hello, but immediately asked what was going on, meaning what I was doing there. I told him and he asked if it was for the stuff related to my ex and I said no, I was there assisting my boss. Asked how he was doing, he asked where specifically I was working in that building, and I said it would be for several months. He said he was waiting for someone who was just walking up, so he had to go and said good luck with the case, etc.

So I've been waiting for this face to face interaction forever now... and I admit I was shaking for about 15 minutes afterwards. Honestly, he seemed nervous and flustered and looked like a deer caught in the headlights again at the sight of me... I thought it was only the considerate and adult thing to do to actually approach him. It makes me think that sure, the stuff with the ex made him back away, but I'm SURE there were/are other factors. I also realize that he could've very well lost interest along the way, but to be honest, I don't see that as very likely; at least judging by his physical reactions to me and the continued communications.

It's so frustrating. I really do think he likes me; he's just totally intimidated by me and the whole situation surrounding me.

At one time, he was offering me to move in with him. I believe his feelings were at one time very sincere.

But seeing him today made me realize; he's a scaredy-cat and I'm the one with maturity and balls to go up to him like an adult and have a conversation with him. He's hid behind the phone or email to converse with me all this time, since the stufff happened, and I'm the one who can walk straight up to him and say hello. Maybe he's not so great after all. And if he chooses not to have me be any part of his life, willingly rejecting that possibility again, then he's not worth my time. But damn, is he handsome.

Edited February 5, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 15, 2013

I know each time I post here, everyone tells me that I am living in a fantasy and that he has no interest in me whatsoever.

So now that I've graduated and am in my career, we have seen each other a good handful of times. Sometimes we'll both see each other and make eye contact, or I'll spot him across the street, etc. I have mentioned the past couple times that I did see him, and the last time we did talk (a couple weeks ago).

So, totally apart from a work situation, I was driving the other day, and I pulled up behind a car at a stoplight. I noticed the car because it's the exact car I want, and I noticed that the person driving was looking at me and staring in the rearview mirror. It was him. He wouldn't stop staring. I was wearing sunglasses so he couldn't see my eyes, but the whole time we were at the stoplight, he was looking in the rearview mirror at me. There was someone else in the car, another man, and the passenger was chatting away, and the driver had his eyes glued to me.

If he's not interested, why is it that when he sees me he stares and won't look away? Is it curiousity, disgust, arousal, intimidation?? When I was in his class, often I'd look up and he'd be staring at me. He wouldn't look away, he'd wait to meet my eyes, and I'd be the one to have to break the eye contact. He keeps doing that. WHY? It's like he freezes at the sight of me and gets nervous!

Edited February 15, 2013 by DirtyDancing

February 15, 2013

If he's not interested, why is it that when he sees me he stares and won't look away? Is it curiousity, disgust, arousal, intimidation?? When I was in his class, often I'd look up and he'd be staring at me. He wouldn't look away, he'd wait to meet my eyes, and I'd be the one to have to break the eye contact. He keeps doing that. WHY? It's like he freezes at the sight of me and gets nervous!

None of this matters if he isn't asking you out on a date.

None of it.

You've spent a year and a half fantasizing about this man, and what he's thinking, and why he did X, and why he didn't do Y. You know what that amounts to? A huge waste of time that you could've spent finding and dating a man who wants to be with you. Instead, you are overthinking and analyzing everything -- even minutia -- to try to convince yourself that this man might possibly want to be with you.

Let me tell you something: if he isn't asking you out, he doesn't want to be with you, no matter how hard you try to rationalize it.

I learned that the hard way. You are learning that the hard way.

Do not, do not, waste another year and a half of your life worrying and wondering about this man. Stop worrying about why he is doing things. Who cares if he is curious, disgusted, aroused, intimidated, or nervous? Maybe he was looking at something else in his rearview mirror. Maybe he was looking in his rearview mirror and zoned out for a minute and didn't even realize you were behind him. Who knows? Who cares?

I promise you that he is not devoting this amount of time to thinking about you and analyzing your every move.

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