The Forbidden Fruit

September 29, 2011

I came to a point last night and things just started making sense.

First, and most importantly, I finally feel like I am open to meeting other people and putting myself out there again. Coming out of a long relationship, I thought I was ready before, but now after a few months have passed and the ex is truly truly out of my life, I really feel ready to see what else is out there. And I feel happy about that! I was coming from a typical place of grief where I thought, "now I'll never get married, now I'll never fall in love again"... but I know now that isn't true. I did have to heal and get through a rough month or so but now I feel a strong shift. I think that's a very good sign.

And secondly, in light of this post, I think the main obstacle in all of this has not been the ex factor, the student factor, the other woman possibility, or the possibility that he just isn't into me, but it is that he could probably sense my urgency and eagerness. That's ok in doses, and I know I didn't push too hard or act desperately or anything... but as a previous poster commented, that shows a lack of reason and self control on my part by trying to rush into something with him. I don't think I did anything that crossed the line, but it was more of me responding to his green lights, or rather "yellow" lights. This makes total sense to me now.

For example, as of a couple weeks ago, he was still telling me he hoped we could see each other soon. Every single time we have spoken he makes sure to tell me that he wants to see me again, and I have taken that as RIGHT NOW, LET'S DO IT. But I realized that I wasn't ready even though I thought I was. Now I am finally on my way to being ready.. in general.

A good friend of mine always reminds me of the law of attraction: we attract what we exude. I was exuding an air of urgency and a rush to see him despite his cautiousness. I hope not all is lost, but now I feel like I gained some insight on how to handle this in the future. And even better, I know now that I am worth pursuing. I don't have to do any of the work if someone is really interested in me, they won't let any obstacles get in the way.

From now on, I'm changing my attitude, putting myself out there, and am open to other possibilities. Feel such a relief.

October 1, 2011

Ok, of course I'm back:

Still no word at all, and it's been 3 weeks. I am feeling very rejected and humiliated for putting myself out there. This is exactly why I don't ask men out. But.. I could use some input.. how is it possible that we could share such an intense chemistry and connection, had such a great time, and he told me and did all the things he has, and we "COULD" have done all these things and wanted to.. and then he just changed his mind?!!??!? This was building for months and months from a distance and he had the clear opportunity to go for it with me (slowly, I guess). Do you all think his reason (worried about the ethical stigma) won over his wants?

He made it clear that would not necessarily influence him about the school thing. And the ex emails, I'm humiliated but that shouldn't really sway him so much, and it didn't seem like it did. I want to move on from this and let it go, but I just need some answers.

He truly doesn't strike me as a coward who would lead me on to let me down. From what I do know of him, he's a good guy.. and I would have hoped if he was dropping the idea that he would be sure to make that clear to me. He's had many opportunities to say that, but hasn't. When I hear people here suggesting that he does this to get the ego boost and attention, I don't buy that. If he really wanted my attention, he would work for that attention. Why can't he just TELL me his intentions??? Is he just going to back out like a coward without saying a word and pretending I don't exist or something?

I am so done with this. I wish I could just accept the fact that he is not pursuing me, all the while KNOWING that at least at one time, he was beyond attracted to me. It was so incredibly obvious. When I was out with him that one night, he told me that he had never agreed to meet any of his former students after the class was over. He said that girls had emailed him and asked him out, but he said he told them I'm sorry, I can't, good luck. When I asked him why he agreed to meet me, he gave me a very meaningful look and said "because you have so much more to offer." Does that sound like a guy who has been thinking about you and thinks highly of you, or what?

WTF???

And it's really really hard to let this go when I realized that I somehow fell head over heels over him. I need to get back right side up. I appreciate honest answers, but please be kind.

October 2, 2011

You have to find a way to stop speculating and get busy and involved with other things so you don't obsess over it so much. I know it is easier said than done... The guy I'm dating now broke it off with me almost two months ago. We were apart with little communication for 3 weeks. I spent a bunch of time analyzing it, taking it personally, etc. Finally, I decided to work on myself and on making myself happy, doing things I have always wanted to do. I started to worry about it less, and spent less time thinking about it.

Lo and behold, my ex wanted to talk and I got the impression it would be a post mortem. When we met, all this emotion rushed out of him and he explained that it truly was his deal, not anything I did, or a reflection of my value, that caused him to break up with me. What he told me surprised me and was nothing like what I'd made up in my head as the real reasons. And now, we are dating again.

I'm not saying this guy will come around. But for your own sanity, you have to let go and not care so much. I'm concerned about caring too much in my situation even now. I am well aware that there needs to be a balance and I need to keep up my own life. That way if things go south again, I won't be so upset by it... And I won't be looking to him to make me happy, either.

It is not a coincidence that exes or past interests come around again just when you are over (or nearly over) them. It is an irony that it requires you fully letting go and having little invested emotionally anymore to bring about that thing you used to want so much. And you can't fake it. But it is also a gift. The time away from my ex was really good for me and I wouldn't trade it. No matter how we turn out, I have gained from the experience with him. I believe that only when you truly let this guy go and stop letting your ego be damaged by his behavior, will you be in a proper position to see it for what it is and process it accordingly.

October 2, 2011

I'm sorry, I think your romance novel is not Forbidden Fruit but Fatal Attraction.

He Is Just Not That Into You.....this is the next piece of nonfiction literature that you should be reading....Good Luck.

October 2, 2011

It is not a coincidence that exes or past interests come around again just when you are over (or nearly over) them. It is an irony that it requires you fully letting go and having little invested emotionally anymore to bring about that thing you used to want so much. And you can't fake it. But it is also a gift. The time away from my ex was really good for me and I wouldn't trade it. No matter how we turn out, I have gained from the experience with him. I believe that only when you truly let this guy go and stop letting your ego be damaged by his behavior, will you be in a proper position to see it for what it is and process it accordingly.

Thank you for this. I realize that it's really not so much about him but how my own feelings of self-doubt and putting undue pressure on myself have caused this emotional upheaval and upset. I agree, it is an irony that it requires fully letting go to bring about what we want. In fact, that has always always happened to me in the romance department. I also need to remind myself that I am still processing the grief of the loss of a long relationship with my ex that I thought would be my future, even though I left him. I felt I was ready to see what else was out there, but clearly by the mental state I've been in lately, it's obvious I need some more time to focus on myself. It's been nice to think about something that is positive and attractive and want to cling to something to feel good again, but I realize I need to get to that point on my own before I can truly be ready to develop a relationship.

The bottom line is I would have rushed into something with him if that situation was presented to me, and I know that would not have been the best thing in the long run. I feel open to meeting other people and most importantly, focusing on myself right now. It's been a process but I'm getting there.

Thanks for your comment.

Edited October 2, 2011 by DirtyDancing

October 2, 2011

Have you noticed that there are 4 pages of posters telling you that he is just not that into you, and you have spent a lot of time defending your carved-in-stone belief that he was AMAZINGLY into you and had exactly the same giddiness about you that you had about him.

Is it totally out of your sphere of experience to say "Oh wow, maybe you guys are right, and maybe I am not as intuitive as I thought, and maybe I read too much into small inconsequential things"? This is not about your giving out vibes of desperation; a woman who was desperate wouldn't have gone home - she would have been on her knees.

You keep on and on about what his character is like, but again, you do not know him. You don't even have the most basic of friendships with him. How can you be so certain that he just isn't a player who does this every semester with at least one female student, and that he says "You have so much more to offer than anyone else" with a meaningful glance to all of them?

You are correct when you say that no one here knows of your great intuitiveness or knows what happened on that night in terms of chemistry and vibes, but there is a whole heaping helping of experience with men and their behaviors here. Not one person has agreed with your assessment of his feelings for you; does that even register with you?

October 2, 2011

Yes, of course I am aware of that. What I may have felt were "mixed messages" were probably inconsequential and of course I think that maybe I did read too much into things. It's true I don't know him, I just knew and felt there was something there and was excited about it. Didn't want to give up the idea of that possibility while he was still contacting me and giving me a little hope. But yes, at this point, "He's Just not that Into You" seems more realistic of an outlook than what was once there.

October 2, 2011

he's not a pussy, YOU are.

you're going to let a dead relationship with your loser ex interfere with what could be something so great? that;s what you get for not cutting off toxic people. .. what you deserve

good for him for not getting wrapped up in your messy unresolved and immature drama

October 3, 2011

he's not a pussy, YOU are.

you're going to let a dead relationship with your loser ex interfere with what could be something so great? that;s what you get for not cutting off toxic people. .. what you deserve

good for him for not getting wrapped up in your messy unresolved and immature drama

I would never want or let my old relationship interfere! WTF? I did cut my awful ex off a long time ago.. what does that have to do with anything? I made the decision a long time ago to leave my relationship, and yes, I stepped over the line possibly a little prematurely. But that doesn't make ME a pussy. Messy unresolved and immature drama??? I DIDN'T CAUSE the drama, my ex did. I just have the unfortunate association of being his ex girlfriend. My dumbass ex's emails were absolutely dramatic, but it wasn't my fault! I had no idea something like that could or would EVER happen. Whatever ROLE my ex had in all of this, has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything else, and it shouldn't. What would make either him or me a pussy is if we let that affect what could have been so great if that wasn't a factor. I didn't do that. I'm done here, I give up.

Edited October 3, 2011 by DirtyDancing

October 15, 2011

I got on with my life, tried to forget about it, but I couldn't. So I took a risk because I knew in my heart this had nothing to do with him not being interested in me, despite all you naysayers. I knew this wasn't like 'Fatal Attraction'... I had a feeling.

So, I sent him a text today. It had been over a month since our last contact; he had the last word and I had never responded. Today I sent a message, just to clear the air, it was left so unresolved and I had a nagging feeling I couldn't ignore. It was light, but honest. I said things like I hope that I didn't misunderstand your intentions. I feel really bad about what happened with the emails. And I would have liked to talk to you in person but I understand if the outside circumstances may have prevented that.

He responded immediately, within minutes, and said that he figured a little cooling off period was probably best for me based on my 'eventful summer'. We should get together, he would like to hear about how everything is going. I responded by saying thank you and that everything has cooled off significantly since we last saw each other and it would be great to catch up soon.

So, yeah, I did not misread anything. I knew I didn't all along. It would have been nice for him to tell me that explicitly then that this was his intention a month ago, but now I know and I'm glad I asked. I just figured that life is too short to have regret. I was fully prepared for a negative response; in fact I thought for sure that was the more likely scenario. But I was right.

I don't know where this will lead or where this could ever go, it's just part of the story.. and now that he made his intentions obvious, there's no need to rush here. I'm ok with that.. I have already gotten on with my life anyway, I just couldn't forget about him.. and for good reason I guess. The romance novel continues...at a very slow pace....

October 15, 2011

So, I sent him a text today. It had been over a month since our last contact; he had the last word and I had never responded. Today I sent a message, just to clear the air, it was left so unresolved and I had a nagging feeling I couldn't ignore.

He responded immediately, within minutes, and said that he figured a little cooling off period was probably best for me based on my 'eventful summer'. We should get together, he would like to hear about how everything is going.

I responded by saying thank you and that everything has cooled off significantly since we last saw each other and it would be great to catch up soon.

So, yeah, I did not misread anything. I knew I didn't all along.

Slow your roll, DD. It seems to me you're already assuming things about his response. Did you guys actually make any plans to get together on a planned date?

Or is this just like the last time where he said you should get together, saying that you should 'do something next week' (very general and vague), but then fell off the face of the Earth for another two-three weeks?

When is "soon", exactly?

October 15, 2011

I know, feels like the same boat. Vague and ambiguous. I don't get this guy!

That was his opportunity to be honest and tell me his intentions. He did... but I can't understand why he keeps saying every time that "we should", "I would like to"... but doesn't ask me out. And my response was just as vague as his when I said "soon".

In the meantime, until I actually do see this man in the flesh again, I am continuing with my life and open to meeting others. I can't sit around and wait. Based on that night we last saw each other months ago, it was very clear the interest level was absolutely equivalent. If that's still true, this should be a no-brainer. But what I don't understand is the waiting game.

It's very frustrating because I know what it's supposed to be like..when a man is interested he will pursue you, I know that. He will call, he will make a date. And I want that; I know I could have that with someone else. But unfortunately there is a strong human draw in wanting what is seemingly unattainable.

October 16, 2011

When is "soon", exactly?

When I said "soon" I meant to be purposely vague. Apparently there's no rush here so I can play it cool too. "Soon" is as soon as he calls me and not just says that he would like to see me but actually asks me WHEN he can see me.

Jesus Christ. I'm not used to dealing with this kind of beating around the bush...and honestly, I'm really not sure if Mr. Elusive is worth this cliff hanging anymore!

I can understand letting things cool off and not rushing into anything, but come on! What the hell is wrong with just meeting each other for coffee or something? We're grown adults and had a romantic connection. He clearly wanted to keep a connection with me. I'm not asking or expecting him to wine and dine me the next time we actually do see each other.. As interested as I could tell he was, I would have thought by all his signals that he he couldn't wait to see me again!

Is he just shy or insecure or am I just totally missing the point here? Dating should NOT be this hard. So I'm thinking maybe I should try something easier.

Edited October 16, 2011 by DirtyDancing

December 1, 2011

To OP: Hello! I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I would like yours

I'm a 21 yr old female who is also crazy about my professor. I just posted a thread similar to this.. the difference is that I haven't gotten past our initial mutual attraction in class. The semester is almost over, and I'm waiting until it is to make my move. My question is.. how exactly did you contact your professor? Email? I'm almost positive that the feelings are mutual, but I'm just too shy and nervous to approach him in that manner (I recently got out of a string of relationships lasting a total of 6 years, so my dating confidence is pretty much nonexistent). I really don't want to let this opportunity slide by...

I really hope your situation works out! You're lucky you even got to get to that level with him. Good luck

- A

December 28, 2011

To OP: Hello! I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I would like yours

I'm a 21 yr old female who is also crazy about my professor. I just posted a thread similar to this.. the difference is that I haven't gotten past our initial mutual attraction in class. The semester is almost over, and I'm waiting until it is to make my move. My question is.. how exactly did you contact your professor? Email? I'm almost positive that the feelings are mutual, but I'm just too shy and nervous to approach him in that manner (I recently got out of a string of relationships lasting a total of 6 years, so my dating confidence is pretty much nonexistent). I really don't want to let this opportunity slide by...

I really hope your situation works out! You're lucky you even got to get to that level with him. Good luck

- A

LoveandFiction: I wish I would have seen this earlier. I haven't been on LoveShack for a long time.

Well, the semester is already over.... did you contact him?

I waited a couple of months after the class was over and I emailed him, and he responded right away, and we met in person a few days later! I'm not sure I'm one to be giving advice until my situation finally comes to some resolution! But as for you, I'd say go for it... life's too short, but be cautious at the same time and be prepared for him to say no. Sometimes I wish it never did get to that point if that was all there was going to be.. it was left hanging at the edge of a cliff and to be honest, if that's all there was, I'd rather never have had that. Still, it was pretty exciting....

As for my story, let's just say it is still being written. I can't give too many details because I don't want to give away any identities... but I will say this: the ex situation escalated after the emails and got much worse over the past 5 months. I didn't know he knew, but apparently the prof has known about what was going on (he has access to that info). I can't help but think that's why I was so confused. Anyway, I'm not sure yet but it is necessary for the ex situation to be put in the past before we can talk again. The last time we were in contact was a few weeks ago. Due to the circumstances, it's not the best idea that we communicate until this is over. But he wants to talk when it is over; that's the last thing he said to me.

After all this time, and all the outside circumstances, I've been trying to meet new people; healing from a horrible breakup, and an incredibly tough semester. My focus hasn't been on dating... I've turned a few guys down, told them I'm just interested in a friendship, etc. So, I haven't been completely available, especially with this still in the back of my mind. But of course I'm not banking on it anymore; it's almost like there's too many obstacles in the way.

Anyway, there's my update. The story is still being written. Until I sit down and talk to him in person again, I won't know the end of the story. But that time will come, eventually...

December 29, 2011

Well, when I was a teaching assistant, I dated my student (she was a sophomore at the time). We both had an enormous attraction to one another, and we began to date on November 4, six weeks before the semester ended. BTW, I am almost four years older than her.

Now it is 32 years later. We have been very happily married for 28 years, and prior to that, we lived together for four years. She is my best friend, I love her dearly, and I know that the very risky decision of dating my student was the BEST decision I ever made. We share and do so much together, enjoy each others' friendship and activities and intimacy, and our relationship has just grown deeper and stronger with time.

Go for it.

December 29, 2011

Well, when I was a teaching assistant, I dated my student (she was a sophomore at the time). We both had an enormous attraction to one another, and we began to date on November 4, six weeks before the semester ended. BTW, I am almost four years older than her.

Now it is 32 years later. We have been very happily married for 28 years, and prior to that, we lived together for four years. She is my best friend, I love her dearly, and I know that the very risky decision of dating my student was the BEST decision I ever made. We share and do so much together, enjoy each others' friendship and activities and intimacy, and our relationship has just grown deeper and stronger with time.

Go for it.

Wow, what a story. Thanks for sharing that! I can relate to that "enormous attraction" and there is around the same age difference too. You hear about these kinds of things happening...that's great!

January 4, 2012

I'm starting to get a little uneasy about the start of the semester approaching. I've planned my classes so I can try and avoid running into him there. I was really hoping that we could have a chance to talk before an accidental meeting on campus. Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to wait a bit longer. After his last comment to me a month ago, saying let's talk when [it's] over.. ("it" not meaning school btw)...I can't help but be held in suspense. I'm not sure what exactly he wants to discuss with me, but I've been DYING to talk to him for a LONG time. Honestly, at this point and after all this, I'm not sure exactly what he wants from me, if anything. We barely know each other, yet somehow I am convinced this story has not yet come to a conclusion.

Several people have told me in the past few months (including here on LoveShack) that I need to accept the fact that he's not interested, he's leading me on, etc. But I could never truly believe that, as much as I tried. With the underlying circumstances involved, I felt that it was just not adding up. And I think I was right. Now I have another piece of the puzzle but I am forced to wait for the final picture to come together. I wonder how long all this will take. And in the meantime, I'm just incredibly nervous about running into him in a setting where we cannot talk on a personal level, and I am TRULY hoping that if he says he wants to talk when it's over, that he will make that happen. Not sure whether to be excited, scared, or both.

January 5, 2012

I realize I may be opening up a can of worms by asking this... am I crazy for thinking that there's still some chance here?

I can't give out too many details, but as I found out recently, it appears that he has been kind of keeping tabs on what's been going on with me regarding my ex. Of course I didn't know he knew that information, perhaps all along. Now it's months later, and the last time we were in contact was a month ago when he told me that he's been aware of what's going on and that he wants to talk when this is over.

What do I make of this? Knowing what I know now... I am right back to where I was in limbo months ago when I began this thread.

January 7, 2012

I'd like to come to the end of this story. I may be wrong, but I think this situation is far too complicated for a man like him to get involved with anyway. I don't think that his care and concern translates into interest at this point. We had a connection, something strong and real, that's for sure. He was head over heels about me, I have no doubt. But barely knowing each other, time has passed, we're still loosely connected somehow, he keeps that going.. yet it hasn't come to full circle and may never. And I don't want to keep hoping it will, to be disappointed.

We actually cannot communicate right now due to the external circumstances and that explains so damn much I can't even believe it. All along I've been confused because the words and the actions didn't align; and I didn't realize that he's been kind of watching out for me from the shadows, trying to protect me (and himself too). I could understand why he would back away, but I couldn't understand why he would continue to tell me how he wanted to talk to me, get together, "we should..", "I would like.." and why he would call and check in on me in the beginning. But I think now I understand.

The problem is that I have fallen for him; I know that sounds crazy, barely knowing him, but it's just one of those things.. I can't help it. I feel a draw I can't explain... I've felt it for him for almost a year. I haven't felt this strongly about anyone in my life and it's overwhelming and unforgettable, and unfortunately unattainable at the moment. It was a very mutual interest that was REPRESSED for months and months in class, with the exception of those several hours that night that we COULD have done so many things... wanted it to develop into something... and since then it's still been repressed (for me at least, I don't know what he feels). And after all this time, there's still that 'tug' and longing I feel , and I cannot shake it no matter what I do. He prolongs it in a way...by leaving it so open and telling me to wait in a way.

And I've met some other men in the past few months, no real dates or anything, just spending time with new people. And no one I have met can hold a candle to the way I felt and feel about him and the way he made me feel, and the excitement and thrill surrounding all of it. The fact that it is somewhat forbidden and repressed is adding to the heat, and it's been pretty hot.

January 11, 2012

Any thoughts/ feedback?

Otherwise this is like writing journal entries

January 11, 2012

Any thoughts/ feedback?
Otherwise this is like writing journal entries

I dont know your entire story, Ive read your initial thread and I've read the 5 last posts. I 'm wondering why you're not being assertive?

Ask him why he's holding back. Tell him that you are truly interested in him, but that you dont feel like waiting anymore. You dont have anything to do with your ex bf anymore so he cannot use that as an excuse. Tel; him that its up to him from there on, and that you're not going to put anymore effort into this situation.

Bottom line: If a man is interested he will do his best!

Do you know the stick with some food tight up at the end of the stick that people use to make a dog/horse etc run? thats what this looks like, he's serving you something, that he will never actually give to you.

January 11, 2012

Well, I wish it was so simple! I actually KNOW why he may be holding back, that's the thing! Maybe it's not something I can articulate on public forum for the time being.. but unfortunately the situation is extremely complicated and I will do my best:

Due to his line of work (not his job at the school), and the fact that he became somewhat 'involved' when crazy contacted him, once the situation with the ex escalated, he cannot for the sake of both of us be involved with me in any way while the situation is still 'hot'. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. I know that sounds weird and vague... Basically, that's a HUGE barrier, and obviously leaving it out of this story is leaving out a very important piece. I didn't realize this information until recently, and that's why I said that this may explain my confusion all along.

So, my point is, I'm pretty sure I know why he may have and may still be 'holding back'. And at this point in time, I CANNOT assert anything, even if I wanted to. It has to wait due to the circumstances.

My purpose for sharing my story is to see what neutral third parties think about the interaction (and also just to gush about how exciting it's been to want something so badly that is deemed off-limits )

January 13, 2012

My purpose for sharing my story is to see what neutral third parties think about the interaction (and also just to gush about how exciting it's been to want something so badly that is deemed off-limits )

And... I also wonder if I am delusional in thinking that after all this time, barely knowing each other, and the ethical dilemma at hand regarding dating a former student is something that is even worth still having hope for. We've had such sporadic contact and I only saw him that one time, but I've always wondered why he would continue to tell me, and even very recently that he wants to talk but "later". Again, he gains NOTHING from being leading. Nothing. I know he's not cruel or manipulative, and he does care about me! He does feel something, I do know that. He wouldn't intentionally keep postponing it for kicks. Some men might do that, but really? I would think sooner or later that they'd give up and let it go.

And to find out that he CAN'T be involved with me at the moment is even more confusing because I cannot ask him any questions or talk to him yet!!! And if he couldn't talk to me, why did he contact me at all to tell me let's talk when it's over? Because he wants to talk to me? If he's being genuine, he will. But the problem I face is the unknown and the fact that I cannot seem to just walk away from this. He keeps prolonging it. It sucks and I want it to end.

This has been the definition of sexual tension for me over the last several months. Does it actually happen that two people could have such an intense chemistry and attraction that was mutual, and it gets dragged out for so long, and never becomes anything? And if so, why? Why, why, why?? Doesn't seem natural.

January 13, 2012

Yes, you are delusional. Come back and read this in a year's time... I think you will be embarassed at how much this sounds like the ramblings of a truly crazy/obsessed person.

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