bluenightowl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Have any of you ever dated a rebounder or someone out of LTR. You realized they were not ready and broke it off. In a month or six or more, did you ever pick up again after some time passed and they figured themselves out and if so, did it go anywhere?
joeyanna Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 This is what I'm trying to figure out. Both the guy I was in contact with and myself are rebounders I guess and I'm pretty sure that until the last couple of weeks, I haven't been ready to date even though I've been actively 'looking' for a while and in that time had a few men disappear on me which I think further skewed how I felt about relationships, but this guy asked me to give him a couple of weeks to sort out his head before we make contact again but I can't figure out if he was being sincere or just letting me down gently, though I have to say that he has been very respectful and been totally honest with me prior to this. Anyway I'll be interested to read what people think! I'm sure things weren't this complicated the last time I was single
Ayla Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) So you kinda already know my story... But I was dating a guy who was 7 months out of a 10 year relationship...where she cheated on him and is now engaged to that person. They also have a daughter. He was terribly hurt, and it was clear that he was not ready for a relationship. So I told him that I liked him, probably too much but I didn;t want to get hurt. I told him maybe when he was ready we could try and get to know each other again. The difficult thing, was the he works with my brother and also is one of his good friends. I love hsi daughter, as far as she is aware - we are only friends. We didn't speak for about 3-4 months. We might have seen each other once or twice, but I didn't speak with him mcuh at those times, as I was too scarfed. So instead we looked at each other, and to others it was clear that there was definitely a mutual attraction. Then I moved closer to where he lived (I used live an hours drive away). Since I have moved here, we have seen a lot of each other...and when he is not freaking out, we generally speak or text at least every second day. We have been intimate twice, but did not have sex. I have met more of his friends since being here, and they really like me. However....he still does freak out occasionally. It is becoming less and less, but it still happens. During those times, i also freak out a little, but I give him his space - and generally after a week he warms up again. One of his best mates told me that he talks about me often, I am very important to him and that he lieks me a lot. However I should not have any expectations at this point, as he still does not know what he wants. So I am just enjoying our blossoming friendship, spending time with him whislt also working on myself at the same time. We both have very similar relationship histories (ex cheating and engaged to that person), we also have a lot in common in terms of interests and values. Most recently - today I went over to his house today to hang with his flatmate and he was there. They were washing their cars, so we washed mine as well. My brother was coming over for dinner tonight, and he was also invited. The attraction between us is undeniable. He asks my opinion on everything - including the house that he is thinking of buying. Tonight he was playing with his phone and took a photo of me - so that was nice. I really like that we can talk about almost anything. So that is my story to date - unfortunately as we are just coming out of a little freak out period, he didn't stay the night. But I am ok with that. Plenty of other times. We are in the same social circle, and my brother is one of his best mates, and his closest friends approve of me-and think we should be together. it is just going to be a case of "if it is meant to be,it will be". I believe that our relationship will only be stronger given we are becoming good friends... Edited September 6, 2011 by Ayla
joeyanna Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Awww Ayla, it must be so hard for you but I can relate to the freak out times, I've had them and so has he. I'm just trying to decide whether I should try and give our friendship another go but like you, I'm scared of what he'll say, that's if he responds at all. I guess if I don't try, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if' You hang in there, I'm sure good things will happen!
Ayla Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yeah, it is hard for me, but he is genuinely a nice guy...and given the close links (same social circle and one of my brothers good friends) - one could say it is a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing because there is too much at stake to screw me around but a curse, because I know that that worries him a little to. It is really nice to know his friends like me...and they do things to throw us together. For instance today I genuinely was going to see his flatmate who told me that he was home just with his son. I get there and his son isn't there, but the guy I like was! I am ahead of him in the sense that I am ready for a relationship. But I think this guy is worth it, so I'm happy to go slow. There is always a lot if flirting and such that goes on between us. Sometimes I'd love to say "I like you-a lot. I'm not your ex, I'm not going to hurt you. Let's give this a real go!" but that would freak him out. Funnily my 5 year old nephew said to him the other day just out of the blue "X do you love [insert my name]?" OMG I almost died of embarrassment! Xs daughter was also there. I try not to take his freak out periods personally, as I know it's not because he is not into me....probably more like the opposite...but he has his crap to work out. I think your case IMO is a little different in the sense that you are both fresh out of a relationship. IMO take it slow, give each other space, read body language and get to know each other as friends. I think if a decent genuine guy knows you like him, and if he isn't into you...he will pull away completely, and not even try to be friends. Maybe if you haven't heard from him in 2 weeks-just send him a joke or something neutral....IMO it is best to let him request the next catch up-that's what I do with X when he has a freak out... I hope things work out for you!
joeyanna Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yeah, it is hard for me, but he is genuinely a nice guy...and given the close links (same social circle and one of my brothers good friends) - one could say it is a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing because there is too much at stake to screw me around but a curse, because I know that that worries him a little to. It is really nice to know his friends like me...and they do things to throw us together. For instance today I genuinely was going to see his flatmate who told me that he was home just with his son. I get there and his son isn't there, but the guy I like was! I am ahead of him in the sense that I am ready for a relationship. But I think this guy is worth it, so I'm happy to go slow. There is always a lot if flirting and such that goes on between us. Sometimes I'd love to say "I like you-a lot. I'm not your ex, I'm not going to hurt you. Let's give this a real go!" but that would freak him out. Funnily my 5 year old nephew said to him the other day just out of the blue "X do you love [insert my name]?" OMG I almost died of embarrassment! Xs daughter was also there. I try not to take his freak out periods personally, as I know it's not because he is not into me....probably more like the opposite...but he has his crap to work out. I think your case IMO is a little different in the sense that you are both fresh out of a relationship. IMO take it slow, give each other space, read body language and get to know each other as friends. I think if a decent genuine guy knows you like him, and if he isn't into you...he will pull away completely, and not even try to be friends. Maybe if you haven't heard from him in 2 weeks-just send him a joke or something neutral....IMO it is best to let him request the next catch up-that's what I do with X when he has a freak out... I hope things work out for you! Yeah with us, he suggest we get in touch after a couple of weeks and I'm guessing, since he had the opportunity to tell me that we shouldn't talk any more that he was sincere. It must be tough for you knowing that there are a lot of ties with him and your family, its hard for you to really remove yourself from the situation. I hope it works out for you too, at least we know that there are supportive people out there who know what we're going through!
Ayla Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It is hard-however if he really wanted he could just leave the contact to situations where we are both invited to things...and not make contact with me via text, Facebook or phonecalls or come over for dinner or catch up for coffee or a meal. In your case-just see what happens. Go with the flow. I'm sure there would be a nagging feeling in your gut if he was not being sincere. But either way, just look at working on yourself. Have no expectations. That is what is great about this site. So many supportive people! Better to air your thoughts etc here than overthink things out there and do something rash!
Ayla Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Sorry Bluenightowl-didn't mean to take over your thread
joeyanna Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It is hard-however if he really wanted he could just leave the contact to situations where we are both invited to things...and not make contact with me via text, Facebook or phonecalls or come over for dinner or catch up for coffee or a meal. In your case-just see what happens. Go with the flow. I'm sure there would be a nagging feeling in your gut if he was not being sincere. But either way, just look at working on yourself. Have no expectations. That is what is great about this site. So many supportive people! Better to air your thoughts etc here than overthink things out there and do something rash! I've done a massive amount of thinking over the last 2 weeks and have definitely been working on myself and if i wasn't meant to be then so be it I guess! Yeah really don't want to be doing anything rash. He obviously likes you and wants to stay in touch which is a good sign. Like you said, take it easy, go with the flow and see what happens and I'm going to do the same (as well as keeping busy to stop me from thinking too much).
Ayla Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I've done a massive amount of thinking over the last 2 weeks and have definitely been working on myself and if i wasn't meant to be then so be it I guess That is so true. And like you mentioned-keep busy, go to the gym, hang out with friends etc. From a different POV - you mentioned that you have had periods where you have had a freak out. I think both Bluenightowl and I would like to understand this more. I know everyone is different...but what goes through your mind that makes you freak out? Is there anything that triggers it? Do you think about the person you are dating whilst in that freak out period?
joeyanna Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 That is so true. And like you mentioned-keep busy, go to the gym, hang out with friends etc. From a different POV - you mentioned that you have had periods where you have had a freak out. I think both Bluenightowl and I would like to understand this more. I know everyone is different...but what goes through your mind that makes you freak out? Is there anything that triggers it? Do you think about the person you are dating whilst in that freak out period? My freak out's have been down to insecurity I guess, particularly with online dating. I've come across many men who will show initial interest then disappear after several days, weeks or months of contact with no explanation and I think this affects my current situation. For example, if I didn't hear from him one day (we always texted each other at least once a day but a couple of times he didn't respond to me), then I would just think 'here we go again' as it had happened before and confront him as I felt rejected, the he'd get all angsty and tell me to back off then things would settle down again. Its usually an over reaction on both counts to something thats happened before that we both bring to the current situation, its hard not to drag your baggage with you, though I am trying to be more relaxed. And yes, I think about him constantly when I have a freak out (though can't say the same for him when he has one as we've never talked about and I don't think we're on the same page in terms of where our relationship is, he has a tendency to send me mixed messages which I have to try and decipher. Hope this makes sense and helps a little?
sm1tten Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 A couple of times, I dated someone for about a month who had been out of the relationship for about 3-6 months or so but wasn't really emotionally out of it. Either still in a good deal of contact or still expressing a ton of bitterness or attachment. After I broke it off, I had no interest in resuming partly because I met someone else and partly because I realised that he didn't really WANT to let go of her... so I would say that if in the process of moving on, I felt they had moved on from their prior relationship, we were both free and willing, then why not? But it's never actually happened that way for me.
joeyanna Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 A couple of times, I dated someone for about a month who had been out of the relationship for about 3-6 months or so but wasn't really emotionally out of it. Either still in a good deal of contact or still expressing a ton of bitterness or attachment. After I broke it off, I had no interest in resuming partly because I met someone else and partly because I realised that he didn't really WANT to let go of her... so I would say that if in the process of moving on, I felt they had moved on from their prior relationship, we were both free and willing, then why not? But it's never actually happened that way for me. It's difficult to figure out if they're emotionally out of their previous relationship without asking. I'm most definitely not remotely emotionally still attached to my ex but still reeling from things that have happened which make me over sensitive and insecure on occasion but I guess we're all flawed in some way and I'm trying to deal with it!
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