TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I've finally decided to call it quits. I sent one last text message despite my other ones not being replied to... it basically told him we were finished. I didn't receive a response to that message either... so I've decided it's time to go strict NC. He told me when we last reconciled that things would change and be different and as it turns out, that was a total lie on his part. Everything remained the same with him being happy and me being miserable, and I've finally had enough of his crap. He can go be happy without me, and maybe I'll be happy without him. Right now I feel full of anger at him and would love nothing more than to send him one last text message that says "I hate you," but I'm not going to. Why bother sending him one more message - one more crumb - when I know he obviously doesn't care anymore? If he doesn't care, then I'm not going to care. Right now I want him to hurt as much as he's hurt me, and that makes me feel sick to my stomach because I've NEVER been a spiteful person. Right now I hope I've ruined his trip and I hope that he's miserable without me. Right now my motivation to not speak to him is driven on spite and revenge. Tomorrow is when the real NC challenge begins. Then again, with him away on this trip, not replying to me, and not bothering to log online (even when he told me he would log on for me)... maybe I'll be okay. I mean... out of sight, out of mind, right? And if I was okay all day today with him being gone... I can make another day. And then another. And soon it'll be a week, then two, then a month, and so on. Like in other aspects of my recovery, I have to take this one day at a time. I hope to God that I can stay NC this time, and that I learn to heal and move on from this neglectful relationship. I love him, but it's time for me to start caring for myself before I end up back in a hospital or worse... a grave. I can't care for him and love him when he's not here for me to care for and love anyway... I don't know why I'm so afraid of being alone when that's all I ever was anyway, but I hope to learn to handle it on my own this time...
TLCbear Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I understand how you feel and hope things do get better for you. It's hard to do the NC thing, but you have to be very determined. I'm currently in week 2 and it's really hard because I have thoughts of contacting him and wondering what he's up or whether he's hurting like I am....but I don't...with each passing day I know I'm getting better little by little. We did the same thing as you, we reconciled and things were great at first, but later ended up being the same as the original relationship...having the same problems. I looked back and realized I was fool and to be honest, I probably would have been wayyy better off then I am now, but hey, we're learning, right? It's really sad to see that some people will never change and realize when they actually have a great person in their life. So sad and I pity him. I hope to be a fly on the wall just so I can see him regret every part of our relationship. But all I can say, is with time all things heal...and that's the true. Good luck and God Bless.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I've decided that to help me with my goal of maintaining NC, I would install a little timer on my computer that shows me how long I've been in NC. Since I'm rather competitive and like going for records and such, I'm hoping this little tool gives me extra motivation to stay on the right path...
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Well, I'm awake. Looked at my little timer and I'm about twelve hours into NC. It feels like it's been longer than that and randomly, I feel a strange mellowness about me. I'm not sure if I'm just not fully awake or if something else is at work here. Today I plan on trying to snag a second job since the second job I was hoping to get didn't come through for me. I start my new job either tomorrow or sometime this weekend... but I know myself and know I need something to do for the remainder of the time until my job starts. Plus it's only a morning job so I need something to do in the afternoons and evenings, which is normally when my craving for contact begins. We'll see what happens. I have not received a single message from him - text, IM, email, phone call... nothing - since 1 AM Monday morning. Should I be counting that time towards my NC or should I stick with the time I came up with, which was after I sent him my final message last night? I'm thinking I should stick to the latter since that's when I - not he - decided to initiate NC. Perhaps I'll start walking and/or riding my bike again later today, provided it's not raining. Hell, even if it is raining I may still try to go out. I like walking in the rain... for me it's therapeutic. I've not received a single thing from him and I don't care... I guess I'm on the right track so far. And I feel okay right now... but I know there's gonna be bumps along the way. Hopefully this time I'm prepared for them. Edited September 6, 2011 by TragicAlliance Had my times wrong.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Nearly 18 hours into my NC and guess who shows up with his explanation? So far I haven't replied... I'm doing my best to focus on the music I'm rocking out to and thinking about what I'm gonna say at my job interview tomorrow. =)
CopingGal Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I broke NC and saw my ex. He was cold and mean and said he had nothing to apologize for. I was insulting. He was insulting. I told him to go to hell. I saw him two days later with his girlfriend that looks more like his grandmother. I said hi. He said hi, but did not look me in the face. I broke down the next day. I hate him.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I didn't last long either, I'm afraid. Barely 21 hours into my NC he managed to get me riled up enough to reply. We're talking now, but it's not a good conversation. It's not us insulting one another or fighting... but it's still not a good talk. It's either going to turn into the final chapter of he and I... or it's going to result in my breaking down and throwing out one more chance... Neither sound good, but one has to be better than the other... and I hope I pick the right one. I feel sick.
Thieves Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I didn't last long either, I'm afraid. Barely 21 hours into my NC he managed to get me riled up enough to reply. We're talking now, but it's not a good conversation. It's not us insulting one another or fighting... but it's still not a good talk. It's either going to turn into the final chapter of he and I... or it's going to result in my breaking down and throwing out one more chance... Neither sound good, but one has to be better than the other... and I hope I pick the right one. I feel sick. Gah! See, this is what happened. I clicked on your post and started reading, could relate, and began writing a post of my own telling you the things that have helped me during this whole NC thing as well. But then as I kept reading... I realized that I didn't need to do that. You seemed so confident in youir own ability to go total NC, and you were already suggesting things to do for yourself that would help distract you and keep busy (bike riding, a second job, etc.). So I thought, "Wow, this chick is pretty strong! She's got her head on straight, she knows what she needs to do get through this, so I don't even need to tell her anything else." I was all ready to applaud you on your strength (which I still see in you)... Then... I looked at your last post, where you caved in and talked to him, and then I was all "Aww, man! So close!" But that's beside the point. It doesn't matter what his explanation is, TA. Even if it's a good one, I believe you should do what I told another lovely woman here named Alexa: thank him for explaining, but suggest you both get some space between you two for a while before you begin talking again. Whether as friends or not. If he doesn't agree, then he's not being very understanding. That's a red flag. Don't throw out a second chance, because nothing's changed. Things are still too heated, the past is still 'too close'. Go NC, clear your head for a while, work that second job, bike your heart out, do your own hobbies. Work through the pain, the hatred, then a while down the line... you can look at things more clearly and decide IF you really want to give it a second shot. Trust me.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Gah! See, this is what happened. I clicked on your post and started reading, could relate, and began writing a post of my own telling you the things that have helped me during this whole NC thing as well. But then as I kept reading... I realized that I didn't need to do that. You seemed so confident in youir own ability to go total NC, and you were already suggesting things to do for yourself that would help distract you and keep busy (bike riding, a second job, etc.). So I thought, "Wow, this chick is pretty strong! She's got her head on straight, she knows what she needs to do get through this, so I don't even need to tell her anything else." I was all ready to applaud you on your strength (which I still see in you)... Then... I looked at your last post, where you caved in and talked to him, and then I was all "Aww, man! So close!" But that's beside the point. It doesn't matter what his explanation is, TA. Even if it's a good one, I believe you should do what I told another lovely woman here named Alexa: thank him for explaining, but suggest you both get some space between you two for a while before you begin talking again. Whether as friends or not. If he doesn't agree, then he's not being very understanding. That's a red flag. Don't throw out a second chance, because nothing's changed. Things are still too heated, the past is still 'too close'. Go NC, clear your head for a while, work that second job, bike your heart out, do your own hobbies. Work through the pain, the hatred, then a while down the line... you can look at things more clearly and decide IF you really want to give it a second shot. Trust me. I was doing good until I got convinced that one of his comments was sarcasm, and it set me off. It ignited all the anger I was feeling and I couldn't contain myself any longer - I was literally shaking, got nauseous, and could swear I saw red in the corners of my eyes. There was no way I was going to let him get away with that... I should've, but I guess I wasn't mature enough just yet. We talked for about an hour... was no fighting between us, but he basically seemed to be hinting like he had given up. And if he's given up then I guess I need to give up too. He tells me he doesn't want the relationship to be over, but that he doesn't know what to do. Yet he's acting like he's given up, and it's confusing the hell out of me. He has asked me repeatedly what I want from him and I've told him every time. Yet he doesn't do anything further. It's very aggravating. I guess what I wanted most from the NC was for him to realize that I can, in fact, pull his own tricks against him... I guess it was all spite. And I can't stand that... I love him, why do I want to spite him?
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