Arcee Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I am at the end of my tether and hope to see a lawyer soon to check out my legal situation. But meanwhile I googled some info last night and found a thread on this site which made some interesting reading and made me want to post my own story for some feedback. I am a British woman who married an Indonesian man and live in Indonesia. 3 months ago I discovered without doubt that my husband had been having an affair in the past and with the proof he finally admitted it and that it had been going on for 2 years. I actually beleive it would have been longer I had suspected for 6 months prior to that even though the affair was then over I was sure it had happened. He begged forgiveness, promised to be faithful and all the rest but within 2 weeks I had caught him out on lies again. And I have continued to catch him out on lies that are not about the affair but mean that I can not trust him. Rather than him trying harder our situation is rapidly deteriorating. The fights are getting worse. I am angry a lot of the time I know and I find everything about him annoys and irritates me, most of the time so I know that doesnt help but in the beginning he said he understood and could accept it because he was wrong. Yesterday I asked him not to drive so fast as he had me and our 5 year old son in the car as well as my friend and her 2 children. He got angry with me but I didnt want to fight with him in front of them so waited till we got home and told him he could drive how he wanted alone but with is in the car he had to listen to me.... he has only been driving 6 months as opposed to me driving 20 years! This caused an insane eruption with his phone and a mirror being smashed and furniture thrown around the door and fridge punched. I want to ask spouses who have cheated and who want to fix their marriages do you think he really wants to? It seems he is doing everything in his power to break it up. Living in Indonesia my situation is difficult as although the law states that the mother should normally get custody of a child unless she is unable to look after him, in the majority of divorces the father gets custody. There are also issues about our property. He came into the marriage with nothing and I built our home and a business which is finally starting to produce an income that we can live on. My husband will lose a lot of face if he loses the business and will do all he can to avoid its sale. I dont even know if I want the marriage to work any more. He cheated when we were married only 6 months and now 12 years on he is still cheating. I know in my heart if I could start again alone with my son I would be happier but I am scared of losing my son and also starting again with nothing if my husband manages to wrangle it all away from me somehow. I am 45 years old and this is my second marriage, the first time I walked out with nothing I am too old and too tired to do it again and I cant leave my son. So any feedback appreciated I have limited western freinds here to talk to and unfortunately affairs are a way of life here and most Indonesian women though do not like them accept them because woman have so few rights...
itllgetbetter Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Arcee: Sorry to hear of your situation. I'm not a spouse who's cheated which is who you said you'd like to hear from. You said your H smashed a phone and a mirror being, threw furniture thrown punched the fridge. Has your H been violent prior to this incident? If you have a few minutes, take a look at the websmite www.marriagebuilders.com - it will have some helpful information about infidelity. There's a saying that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so, based on that, it sounds like your H's a serial cheater who'll continue to cheat in the future - obviously not what you wanted to hear. Good luck.
Steen719 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I also am not a cheating spouse, but I wondered about your citizenship and if you are still a British citizen, if you can find some assistance through the embassy. I know that sounds far-fetched, but particularly if you want to return home, I would consider that. I know nothing about their laws, but I would be a little frightened about what this man might do if he unravels further. I think I would go see an attorney at once, but also consider getting some advice from another source that considers your citizenship. Be careful..really, for both you and your son's sake.
Author Arcee Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I am still a British citizen but my son is Indonesian. Which brings me to my current train of thought... Yesterday I went to see a lawyer. They assured me that I would get custody of my son in a divorce and also I would get 80% of our land and property. This is because when my husband cheated 6 months into the marriage we had a contract drawn up saying if we divorced the split would be 80/20. Not exactly a pre nup but because I was paying to build our house and business at that time something I insisted on. And the lawyer says it is legally binding. When I got home though my husband lost it again. He didnt break things this time but was so angry and ranting and raving about how he would win he would have me thrown in jail for working because I had done some online work, although I am only on a spouse visa so not allowed to work. Our son is adopoted and he said the adopton is not legal. He was adopted from my husbands brother and his wife (adopting within the family is common here) He claims that although we have a signed and witnessed agreement it isnt legal. However because he is the one who went to register the birth - he actually registered it in our names. So I am down as the birth mother... it is all very complicated and messy. But last night we had no guests (we have a homestay) and he was so abusive I wanted to go to family to spend the night. He lay down on the drive to block me leaving and then locked the gate and took the key. I ended up calling a police friend again and he came and stayed the night in one of the guest rooms to make sure we were safe over night. Anway what I am thinkng now is to just try and sit it out for a while. I have got the info from the british consulate about getting my son a UK birth cert and passport. I can not afford it at the moment - as its about $500 in all as well as the fact I have to go to the next island to do it so I am going to wait until our bank loan on our car is paid off so I get the papers back then make a trip to the next island - sell the car and get my sons papers and take off to UK. My parents are both dead and I have been here so long I dont have freinds in UK I feel I could ask for too much help but I have been on the refuge website and emailed them to see if I would eligible for shelter and help to restart my life. I am not going to give any hint of what my thoughts or plans are here. I am just going to try and keep my head down avoid trouble, squirrel away as much money as I can and hope things are not too bad in the meantime. I dont care about leaving behind my home and business but I can not leave behind my son. @itlgetbetter.... not want I wanted to hear but I know it is the truth. I know in my heart it is over. I dont feel anything for my husband any more other than anger, 3 months on I can not find one little bit of love left in me for him. @steen - thanks for your concern. I have explained the situation to the lady at the consulate and she seems sympathetic and at least they are prewarned should things here escalate any further.
Steen719 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 You have done a lot of work and thinking...I really wish you could borrow the money and get out of there fast. He sounds unstable and scary. He could grab your son and get somewhere you cannot find him. Please be careful and safe and keep your son close to you. Best of luck and let us know that you are alright.
Author Arcee Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Borrowing that much money would be impossible really. To get my sons papers sorted live in Bali for 6 weeks while they are being processed and to buy tickets to UK and then what do we do when we arrive. I assumed as a British Citizen I would be entitled to help but Refuge tell me I would need to be eligible for housing benefit for them to shelter us and sent me a link about habitual residency which I dont understand but looks like as I have spent a lot of time out of the country I might not be. And a much larger spanner in the works which I forgot about is that the spouse visa I am on requires and exit permit for me to leave the country and for that I need my husbands permission - so sneaking out is not going to be an option for me after all. Back to the drawing board...
Author Arcee Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Feeling so fed up again now. After the visit with the lawyer I felt I had the upper hand. Now my husband seems to even though he is the one in the wrong. He can go on with life all happy and jolly while I feel like I am dying inside. And now he who never had any time for our son and hasnt bought him any clothes or a pair of shoes etc in years suddenly is buying toys and giving him money the last few days... buying his affections! And its working. I am stuck here and stuck with him for the time being and I dont know if I can stick it out. Whereas a few days ago I felt I have options now I feel like I am in a prison of my own making. My biggest mistake..... not getting out 12 years ago when he first cheated 6 months into our marriage!!!!
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