oaks Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 When you've had 2 or 3 dates and you're just not feeling it enough for another date but they want to see you again, what's the nicest way you've found to let them down? I'm in this situation now, which is unusual because usually either they turn me down or it's fairly mutual and obvious to both of us that there's no point continuing. I'm looking to improve upon "i just don't fancy you" which, although true, seems rather brutal!
sm1tten Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Truth is, you can't really avoid hurting someone's feelings if they are into you and you aren't. I usually just say that I enjoyed getting to know them but don't think that we are a good fit. If I've done this via text or email, I just generally refuse to answer the dreaded "why?" as a couple of times this has led to some uncomfortable conversations. I never do it in person. The only time this ever happened to me, the guy told me via text that he wasn't feeling very romantic or in the mood to date. He then went on to tell me that I was definitely the total package but that for some reason he felt no spark, and that holding my hand didn't feel special. While the feeling was definitely mutual, he should have just perhaps stuck to the middle as the first was partially a lie (he wasn't feeling that way about ME, not in general) and the last was kind of hurtful. The problem I've noticed that a lot of times the person wants to know why and that's the part that hurts.
CarrieT Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You say, "Thanks, but I am just not sensing enough chemistry between us..." and let it go.
PratyekaYana Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 When you've had 2 or 3 dates and you're just not feeling it enough for another date but they want to see you again, what's the nicest way you've found to let them down? I'm in this situation now, which is unusual because usually either they turn me down or it's fairly mutual and obvious to both of us that there's no point continuing. I'm looking to improve upon "i just don't fancy you" which, although true, seems rather brutal! Be as direct as possible in your rejection to avoid inadvertently stringing her along, which would only increase the pain of rejection, but attribute your lack of compatibility to either yourself (there's something internal that prevents you from finding that spark with her) or some vague reference to spark/chemistry ("I just don't feel that special something with you"). In either case, you preserve her feelings because she can gain closure without obsessively looking at her flaws and trying to determine how she turned you off. It's a clean break.
Imajerk17 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Truth is, you can't really avoid hurting someone's feelings if they are into you and you aren't. I usually just say that I enjoyed getting to know them but don't think that we are a good fit. If I've done this via text or email, I just generally refuse to answer the dreaded "why?" as a couple of times this has led to some uncomfortable conversations. I never do it in person. The only time this ever happened to me, the guy told me via text that he wasn't feeling very romantic or in the mood to date. He then went on to tell me that I was definitely the total package but that for some reason he felt no spark, and that holding my hand didn't feel special. While the feeling was definitely mutual, he should have just perhaps stuck to the middle as the first was partially a lie (he wasn't feeling that way about ME, not in general) and the last was kind of hurtful. The problem I've noticed that a lot of times the person wants to know why and that's the part that hurts. Yeah, sometimes saying "too many" things, even if each of them are nice, can be hurtful and/or confusing. "I enjoyed meeting you but I don't feel we are a good fit" or "I am seeing someone else and we are really clicking and I want to pursue this instead".
Author oaks Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 It says you are a male on your profile. Yes, that's right. When you say "but they want to see you again" you are implying that this woman openly made it clear she likes you and asked you if you wanted to go out again. Right again. She actually asked me out for the most recent date. The problem with that is that no real woman would do that. Real women wouldn't suggest another date. Real women let the man pursue and remain passive to let the man make suggestions for further dates. You don't seem to be making this up though so that leaves only one conclusion. You were dating a she-male, so simply say to "her"(or him, whatever) that you are straight(I assume you are) and then you can say something like "you seem like a great person but I'm looking for a real woman, sorry". Interesting interpretation! Maybe this is why I don't fancy her. (I think you're wrong, though, but I don't plan on collecting concrete evidence either way.)
Author oaks Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 You say, "Thanks, but I am just not sensing enough chemistry between us..." and let it go. "I enjoyed meeting you but I don't feel we are a good fit" Thanks. These sound familiar (having been on the receiving end of similar things).
carhill Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) IME, most women fade out or get 'busy'. I remember one asking me 'do you want to continue?' Now I laugh about it because at the time I was thinking 'continue what?' Running my fingernails down the chalkboard? I recall a more serious 'no thanks' I did share with one lady after meeting and beginning to date my ex-wife. I think I said something like 'You're a wonderful person and I had a great time with you but I met someone and feel we are a better match'. The person I 'let down' was long distance and I took the easy way out with someone more local. Mistake. We all make them and that one was a doozie. I won't do that again, but I think I was honest and sensitive with her. She resides in one of my LS albums. The one I let get away. Edited September 5, 2011 by carhill
alphamale Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I'm looking to improve upon "i just don't fancy you" which, although true, seems rather brutal! try: "i'm just not feeling the chemistry on my end..."
Cee Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 It's refreshing when a man is honest about no interest rather than pulling a fade. I have gotten the "no spark" reason and that seemed perfectly acceptable to me.
Author oaks Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Her/his actions alone is proof that it's not a real woman you're dealing with. A real woman wouldn't take the initiative and suggest another date. What a ridiculous thing to say.
Author oaks Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 It's refreshing when a man is honest about no interest rather than pulling a fade. I have gotten the "no spark" reason and that seemed perfectly acceptable to me. Thanks Cee. Turns out I'm a nice guy sometimes.
Casablanca Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 The problem with that is that no real woman would do that. Real women wouldn't suggest another date. Real women let the man pursue and remain passive to let the man make suggestions for further dates. Sure if thats what you think
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You say, "Thanks, but I am just not sensing enough chemistry between us..." and let it go. I think how CarrieT worded it is just perfect. Here is the thing about letting someone down. The intial sting of being rejected stinks. But the honest and respectul way it's handled saves a lot of "what ifs" and "what happened" and hurt feelings for the person being let down. The truth is that no one is so special that their rejection of someone else is going to crush someone. But that's the fear that the person doing the rejecting has. They place an over inflated sense of importance on their impact on this person's life. The intial rejection is going to sting a bit, but if that person is a healthy individua,l they will move on and recongnize it for what it is, that the person rejecting them is just not the right person for them and it's no baring on who they are. I have much more respect for the men that were honest and respectful of me by letting me know they didn't wish to continue in our relationship. I had much worse experiences with the men that jerked me around or made me play games with them to figure out what they wanted because I didn't know. Or the guys that just pulled a disappearing act. I also had men say to me "thank you" for letting them down in a respectful way. Sure there is some intial disappointment and maybe even some embarresment. But that's why it's important to handle the situation with grace and integrity.
ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Definitely keep it short and to the point. No details as to "why". Did you have to kiss her to know there was no spark? My question is how many dates does it take to know if you're interested? I have always been a relationship type girl, so this is all new to me. I have always known immediately if I wanted to be with someone. I pursued all of my exes ... clearly not a recipe for success! I have been on 2 dates with this one guy, and he is the first one I have dated since the breakup with my ex. He is attractive and funny. I don't think I feel a spark either though... but I can't tell if it's maybe because I am just not ready to date. I just don't know. I haven't kissed him, so next time I will and maybe things will be more clear then. Edited September 6, 2011 by ScienceGal
Dust Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 When you've had 2 or 3 dates and you're just not feeling it enough for another date but they want to see you again, what's the nicest way you've found to let them down? I'm in this situation now, which is unusual because usually either they turn me down or it's fairly mutual and obvious to both of us that there's no point continuing. I'm looking to improve upon "i just don't fancy you" which, although true, seems rather brutal! Telling her you aren’t into her is pointless. She’s a girl she most likely won’t relentlessly pursue you the way some guys would if the situation were reversed. All you have to do is politely decline and not give a reason. “Sorry I can’t” “Something came up and I can’t make it.” Then just stop calling. If you guys haven’t had sex and only shared a few dinners that’s probably the kindest thing. For girls the best way they can turn down a guy they’ve only gone out on one or two dates with is just to say they are very busy. Don’t tell them they are a nice guy or they might believe it and develop the narcissistic complex where they believe all their troubles in life are cause by being “nice.” I also see no problem with girls just ignoring a guys calls. It’s a little cowardly but is there really a need to here them act busy. There is no need for them to flat out turn you down and maybe say some fake nicety afterwards like “lets be friends.” It says you are a male on your profile. When you say "but they want to see you again" you are implying that this woman openly made it clear she likes you and asked you if you wanted to go out again. The problem with that is that no real woman would do that. Real women wouldn't suggest another date. Real women let the man pursue and remain passive to let the man make suggestions for further dates. You don't seem to be making this up though so that leaves only one conclusion. You were dating a she-male, so simply say to "her"(or him, whatever) that you are straight(I assume you are) and then you can say something like "you seem like a great person but I'm looking for a real woman, sorry". I’d find this kind of funny if it weren’t for the fact I find it so damn sexy when a woman is confident. Nothing like having a woman ask you out or show interest. When I’ve gone on two dates with a girl like he has already it’s a great sign if the girl suggests something to do. He never said she asked him out first and even if she did that’s rare and hot.
Author oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Did you have to kiss her to know there was no spark? No. I figured it out before that, and we didn't kiss. My question is how many dates does it take to know if you're interested? It varies! In this case it was 2.
Author oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Telling her you aren’t into her is pointless. I see where you're going, but manners maketh man.
Dust Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I see where you're going, but manners maketh man. No you don’t see where I’m going but I’ll try to show you. “I just don’t fancy you” sounds rather crude don’t you think? You’re not picking a color to paint your bathroom wall! If manners make the man realize being blunt is the opposite of manners. Also know you can never reject her as a person I mean you barely know her. Just do what I suggested and politely turn down what ever it is she invited you to. Turning her down as a person is needles and pointless when you can let her save face by simply turning down what she suggested. Think of it this way if you asked a girl out what would you rather have happen? “I just don’t fancy you” or “I can’t do that sorry.” One you have some one both judging you and turning you down as a person, the other they just won’t agree to do something with you… I think one is clearly lacking in manners you decide.
simpsonic Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You say, "Thanks, but I am just not sensing enough chemistry between us..." and let it go. This is the kind of line I use. Some people might think it's a bit hackneyed but it's worked for me.
Finch Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 If you've only been on two dates, then neither of you are invested yet, and this is why being to the point is not only acceptable, but preferable. There is no need to draw out the situation by refusing invitations and trying to fade away slowly. After only a few dates, being direct is the best option when you know you aren't interested in pursuing anything more. Like others have suggested, simply tell her you don't feel any chemistry. It doesn't take weeks or months to know if you want to continue dating someone. You don't feel a spark and that's perfectly fine, and it's fine to inform her of this. Just don't offer extra details, don't make it bigger than it needs to be. I had a guy use this tactic when we had gone out two or three times, and I didn't find it painful. He wasn't feeling anything, and it had only been a couple of dates, so I wasn't pinning any hopes on him yet. The honesty was welcome, and it made moving on to date someone else much simpler and easier. So as a woman who has been on the receiving end of this, I say go for it.
D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 This may work: "Hey, I think you're a great person, but I just don't feel the chemistry and that's not liekely to change"
Author oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 “I just don’t fancy you” sounds rather crude don’t you think? You’re not picking a color to paint your bathroom wall! Indeed, and I'm not going to do that... hence asking here for better ways to say it! Thanks to everyone who replied. I have enough suggestions now to solve my problem.
tigressA Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I just say I've been seeing someone else and I feel like I fit better with them. This by far has been the most successful approach.
Author oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I just say I've been seeing someone else and I feel like I fit better with them. This by far has been the most successful approach. Yes, that's also an option. It happens to be true, as well, but even if I wasn't seeing anyone else then I don't think I would want to see this particular woman again. But I don't plan on debating it with her, so the details don't really matter.
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