TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Instead of sending him this in an email like I usually do, I guess I'll just post it here for people to pick through. So here goes: "X, I know this is not going to be what you want, but it's past time I say goodbye to you. I gave you another chance back in May and you rattled off a list of things that would change if I stuck around. None of those changes ever happened, and I got my feelings totally crushed. In fact, you laughed off one of those changes as being totally "unrealistic." If you knew that, then why did you dare tell me it would happen? That was yet another one of your many lies and stories you've told to my face. Out of seven days a week, we fight five or six. Yes, when we're getting along, I couldn't be happier... but we don't get along enough to cancel out how many days I spend depressed/angry/bitter/resentful/spiteful because of you. I always thought you and I were on the same wavelength because we say the same things at the same time without any rehearsal... but if we were truly on the same wavelength, then you would understand my feelings better and we could actually discuss things rather than blow up at each other over petty things that most people just get over. You sent me to the hospital back in June. You nearly cost me my life back in June. I should've learned my lesson right then. I should've seen just how destructive you are to me, and I should've ran. But I was weak (and on all kinds of medications while I was recovering in the hospital that week) and thought you were truly being there for me. But as it turns out, you were there for a day or two and then went right back into ignoring me and overworking yourself. You were the reason I nearly killed myself. You were the reason I had to go back into treatment. You were the reason I nearly lost everything. You don't deserve that kind of strength, power, and control over me... I thought you did, but you don't. You always have time for work and play, but for me all you have is stories, excuses, and lies. Stories, excuses, and lies that you pull out whenever you think I'm trying to break away. I don't want stories. I don't want your excuses. And I definitely don't want your lies. I want someone who respects me enough to tell me the truth no matter what, even if there are times I don't want to hear it. You feed me lines of crap all the time, just to keep me placated. But I'm getting sick of the crap, and I'm starting to see it for what it is - you're keeping me around for some selfish desire of your own design. If you loved me, honestly and truly, you would see what you are doing to me and let me go. I know that I'm your first love and that first loves are the hardest to let go of... but it won't be the end of the world if I'm gone. You could do all the traveling and work you wanted without having to come up with another of your countless stories to feed me. You tell me I'm your inspiration - I don't believe that. Even if I were gone, you'd still be doing all the same things you're doing now. You knew how I felt about you leaving on this trip, and yet yesterday you FLAUNTED your happiness and excitement about the trip on Facebook with pictures and status messages talking about it. You KNEW I was upset about you leaving. That was such a slap in the face that I'm STILL upset about that. You could never put me first, and I see that now. I was always second or third to your work and hobbies, and now I see that's all I'd ever be. And that's totally unacceptable to me. Then this morning you furthered the pain by posting on Facebook about where you were yet you couldn't be bothered to reply to my text message? Let me guess, the story this time would be "But I was driving." If you had time for Facebook, you definitely could've made a little extra time to reply. But that's okay. I see how you treat the people you supposedly "love," and frankly... it sucks. I have already started making plans to move on from this "relationship," as I'm only hurting myself by dwelling on it. I'm going to find some hobbies outside of my writing - outside of my house - so that I'm not tempted by my laptop every day. I'll clean my computer up of all the reminders and temptations that would stare me in the face when I bothered to actually log on it. I'm going to dive headfirst into work and try to score another chance at a second job, since this last one didn't pan out. With time I will be so busy I will have no time to dwell on things... I'll be just like you then, won't I? Won't have time to be bothered. You tell me I can't handle it... but I know that if YOU can, I definitely can. I'll be fine. I don't need you worrying about me NOW... you couldn't be asked to do it in the past, so don't bother trying to start now. Go expend your energy on planning another trip or something. I gave you more than enough chances to prove what I meant to you, and you ignored/blew every one of them. And my patience has worn out... and time has run out as well. I told you back in May that you were getting your LAST chance - and now it's time for me to be strong and follow through with that. I won't say I'm sorry because I'm not sorry for caring about myself... But I will say good luck in life and hopefully you've learned something from your time with me. There's a difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. I'm seeing that difference in attitude in myself. I love you to death and would die for you in an instant... but when it comes to being in love with you... I'm not so sure I can say that and mean it honestly. And that's the red flag that's causing me to cut the ties and let you go. Take care of yourself, X. ~TragicAlliance"
smudge21 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Straight away without reading it I will say it's too long. You really want him to read it, but he may just scan that and only take in certain parts, thus missing the whole point. Re-read it yourself and start removing any parts that repeat themselves or contradict each other, or when anger takes over (try to be calm in what you're saying - you want to come across as you're in control). Look to making it at least a third shorter, then re-post please.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Straight away without reading it I will say it's too long. You really want him to read it, but he may just scan that and only take in certain parts, thus missing the whole point. Re-read it yourself and start removing any parts that repeat themselves or contradict each other, or when anger takes over (try to be calm in what you're saying - you want to come across as you're in control). Look to making it at least a third shorter, then re-post please. Being a writer, hearing someone tell me to cut my work short drives me absolutely insane. Especially when it's something that has come from my heart. But that's neither here nor there. I doubt he'd ever read it to begin with... first of all I don't exactly plan on sending it to him because I'm trying to remain in NC and second... Why send him something he won't take the time to read and absorb? If I'm going to get a tl;dr response out of him, then I don't want to even bother. He should be willing to address all the issues, not just pick and choose. And I'm not going to pick and choose either. Regardless, I can sum it up like this: "Your treatment of me was not what I needed/wanted. I tried to tough it out but I just couldn't. I had to end it before I ended up literally losing it all. It's over."
smudge21 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I'm all for closure letters - telling an ex how you feel, whether they've hurt you or it just hasn't worked out. But I firmly believe the shorter the better. Make your points early, expand on them and then end with a definite ending, no open doors. You've taken the time to write all this so clearly there's a part of you that wants to send it, and you may do at some point. I just wanted to put across my thoughts that less is often more. I know you want to address all the issues, but by doing so you may end up losing the whole meaning of the letter. It's like when people post on here - massive walls of text. I want to read it all but feel overwhelmed and often forget certain parts when replying. I too drafted up a goodbye email and it was huge to begin with. Compared to yours, it was like I'd re-written Lord of the Rings. Took me a few days of editing and removing so much stuff until I had four paragraphs that kept the detail to a minimum but also said exactly what I thought. Sorry if my suggestion wasn't what you wanted to hear, but I was just being honest with you on how I felt about it.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 No, I get what you're saying. If I were to send this very message, I'd probably go through and hash out the repetitive spots and stuff such as that. It's probably just a knee-jerk reaction of being awake too early and being a writer who gets defensive of her work. I know if I wanted to send it to him I'd have to shorten it since he tells me all the time he doesn't really like reading all that much. I sometimes wonder how he and I have gotten along this long when I prefer hobbies like videogames and writing and he's always busy with outdoorsy things... I really did try to tough it out. But when you can't remember a time where you weren't fighting with someone in the last year or longer, it might be time to give up.
smudge21 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Opposites do indeed attract. Hardest thing is to admit defeat and walk away from something you've invested so much time in. I feel that pain for sure.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Well, he logged on a while ago and tried talking with me. I didn't reply, so I guess he decided that was it, and he's logged off. He explains in his IMs to me that he broke his phone and that if I sent him any texts he didn't get them. So I may, in fact, edit this letter and send it to him via email, then return to the NC I'm trying to maintain. He didn't really try much to talk to me, actually. Just explained why he was gone yesterday, stalked my Facebook for 20 minutes, and then logged off without another word. So I'm not sure how to take it. I feel like it's a victory, but it feels kinda like a defeat all wrapped up together. I guess we'll see what happens next.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 X, You managed to get me to talk yesterday and in our discussion it sounded to me like you've simply given up. Unfortunately if you've given up, then I have no choice but to give up as well... as relationships cannot work when only one person is putting in any effort. I know you tell me you don't want to lose me, and that you don't want it to be over... but you show no motivation towards proving it to me. And honey, actions have always spoken louder than words to me. You know that. I have told you repeatedly what I expected and/or wanted. I guess maybe I wasn't clear enough? Here it is, one last time. * I want to feel like I'm needed/wanted. This means that occasionally you put things aside and tend to me. Not everyday - but every now and again. Right now you never put me above anything you're doing. How many times have I stopped doing what I was doing to make time for you? I make sure to put things down and give you attention when you need/want it and immediately reply to you to show you that I am listening... you, on the other hand, take up to an hour to respond to me at times... and that's after I've prodded you three or four times to reply. * I want you to give me an effort. Not one that I have to hint at subtly or even directly, but one that you take the initiative and do yourself. Don't stalk my Facebook to find out how I'm doing or what's going on in my life - why not just ask me? I guess I went NC because I was, in my own crazy way, testing you again... I honestly didn't want to go away, I just wanted to see how much effort you yourself would make to win my attention. Sadly, you hardly bothered... and that really bothered me. * Stop pushing me away. When you get in a mood you push me away so badly it's like you don't want me around. When you're mad at me, you shouldn't ignore me - for days at a time - until you calm down... come to me and let's discuss it. Don't leave me guessing and trying to figure out why suddenly I'm not worth your time anymore; that feels unfair to me. Don't be afraid to come to me and talk - I really don't bite. And if I do, call me out on it. I wanted to be there for you, but you've made it impossible by never being here for me to be here for. As a result, you've left me feeling lonely and neglected. I don't want fancy gifts, big bouquets of flowers, or money - I wanted your time, attention, and affection. That's it. I wanted to love and be loved. You never let me do that. ~TragicAlliance
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