2sure Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I realize that you and he are having inapproriate contact since he is married and that most will call it some kind of an affair. But at this point - since you have never met in person...it seems like the contact is based more on inappropriate fantasy than anything else. Still, this is how affairs start. I just think wanting to know the rules and logistics, and time frames of an affair so that you can apply & analyze them ...can probably wait until you have more information. If you dont meet in person, its an affair but not one that includes a lot of reality.
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Now after thinking a minute more about this, I have one final question to pose. What if what he needs is the emotional affair and not a sexual one? I know he's not happy with the marriage as it is now. He's very communicative and she's threatened divorce and flat out told him she has a boyfriend. Emotional affairs are worse by the sounds of it. You don't have a CLUE about the actual status of his marriage, other than what he TELLS YOU which could all be a total lie. You have no idea whether she really has a boyfriend or has really threatened divorce (and if she has, the reasons for it; perhaps she's aware of his online philandering?) If all you're looking for is just some chat and a sexual thrill why don't you fulfill your fantasy with a single guy as opposed to someone who's married? after all, it doesn't seem that you're all that choosy.
Owl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It's too late already for you to consider the "rules". You STARTED by violating the "rules" with forming an emotional connection to him..."he's in my head", etc... Go back and reread your posts. This is ALREADY an emotional affair on top of the rest of the online aspects of it. There is no way that this is going to end in anything less than total heartbreak for you, and probably for him too.
stillafool Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You don't have a CLUE about the actual status of his marriage, other than what he TELLS YOU which could all be a total lie. You have no idea whether she really has a boyfriend or has really threatened divorce (and if she has, the reasons for it; perhaps she's aware of his online philandering?) This is so true. Most MM start out with the lie my wife doesn't love me anymore, blah, blah, blah. It's pretty much MM textbook stuff and is not to be believed. If it were truly so, why aren't they in the process of divorce right now.
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 This is so true. Most MM start out with the lie my wife doesn't love me anymore, blah, blah, blah. It's pretty much MM textbook stuff and is not to be believed. If it were truly so, why aren't they in the process of divorce right now. Exactly! It should be very common sense that a man who is morally bankrupt enough to cheat on his wife (whether it's an emotional or physical affair) is going to have no difficulty lying like a sidewalk about anything and everything in order to give the appearance that he's "not really a bad guy" and/or that he's just a poor ol' boy who's justified in finding some love/happiness elsewhere.
MissBee Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) You don't have a CLUE about the actual status of his marriage, other than what he TELLS YOU which could all be a total lie. You have no idea whether she really has a boyfriend or has really threatened divorce (and if she has, the reasons for it; perhaps she's aware of his online philandering?) If all you're looking for is just some chat and a sexual thrill why don't you fulfill your fantasy with a single guy as opposed to someone who's married? after all, it doesn't seem that you're all that choosy. Call me cynical, but I would be leery of believing with any gusto, what a man whom I only know online and through video-sex-chat has to say about his life. It is not that he is definitely a 100% liar, but that type of engagement and medium doesn't really foster any type of strong belief in this person's integrity for me. I think the smart thing for anyone engaging with someone in this way is to at the least be aware of the fact that this is shady behavior and keep their eyes and ears open. It's like having a friend who gossips about every and anyone....I mean really...she may or may not gossip about me, but my knowledge of this detail and her propensity for such, makes me a bit more cautious in my dealings with her. I have after all seen proof of the possibility, so it would be foolish of me not to take heed. The definition of being leery itself cites having "realistic suspicion"... I definitely think a bit of realistic suspicion is needed in this case and pretty much the case of any A or otherwise questionable arrangement. Edited September 6, 2011 by MissBee
TurboGirl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Seriously..........a cyber affair. someone on the other side of that screen could be a serial killer, a child molester, a prison inmate, a parolee. Extreme examples yes but how the hell would you know? You really can't unless you do a background check assuming you have their real name. !!! EXACTLY !!! Well, when you go to unprectiable places, you never really know who is on the other side of that webcam... Wouldn't it be just special if this wonderful MM was actually taping you or saving these sex sessions? You could an internet porn star overnight!
wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Seriously..........a cyber affair. someone on the other side of that screen could be a serial killer, a child molester, a prison inmate, a parolee. Extreme examples yes but how the hell would you know? You really can't unless you do a background check assuming you have their real name. THANK YOU!!! Girl... really the first thing that comes to mind here is...... YIKES!!! I know its hard to read posts and know the emotion behind this, so when I say this... please don't take this as anything other than sincerity and kindness. But, really.... what the hell are you doing???? Having these things with a complete stranger, as LG said...you don't know what or who he really is.... This is how we see those women on the unsolved mystery shows. Come on, be more careful than that. Secondly, I see contradictions everywhere here. You seem to talk a good talk about knowing he will probably dump you, and you must keep your distance, but you talk about basically how into him you are and he's in your head. I would tell you, that the most important thing to growth...well one of the important things, but absolutely the FIRST thing you have to do to grow and heal is accept. Accept and say exactly what it is, no matter how stupid you might think you might look. I don't care if you say I met someone yesterday and I want to marry him, own it!! Once you do, then you can start figuring things out and becoming a better and stronger person. Third, sweetie... what is so terribly wrong in your life that you feel on top of the world because some guy talks dirty to you and watches porn with you online???? You should be able to feel sexy and confident with out him. I'm sure you are beautiful inside and out.....why must you have to have that validation from some unavaiable guy....and to be honest probably the upmost unavaialbe of all.... a married guy on the internet. Fourth, why think so little of yourself or want a relationship where you have to go into it thinking that he will probably dump you first???? YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT!!! Do you not want more for yourself??? And final...... (for now, as I have ADHD and other thoughts will come later) if I had a dollar for everytime a MM said their wife was crazy, filed for divorce, seeing someone else, what have you..... I wouldn't be sitting here typing on this forum. I would be speaking my words out loud, while getting a massage and having my personal assistant input my words into this forum. I sware to God there is a book out there for these guys.....they all say the same thing. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be careful here. I see tragedy written all over it. Most of the time, as you read these relationships end up unfavorably. But with your's there are so many more diminsions here. I didn't see anywhere.... I know you said you aren't M. Do you have children??? Take care of you.
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Anyone have any other rules to add to keep me in or other women in check that are truly enjoying their affairs and don't want to get too emotional? Hearts don't follow rules. It's quite possible to have affairs that are deep and meaningless and ultimately nothing more than fun. It's possible to have rampant sex without emotional involvement, or to be platonic friends without desiring anything further. But it's also possible that something could shift, and take at least one of the participants into a different space where it's no longer so simple. That's fine if that person is not you, less fine if it is. There are always risks with any R of any kind. There can be no guarantees.
wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hearts don't follow rules. It's quite possible to have affairs that are deep and meaningless and ultimately nothing more than fun. It's possible to have rampant sex without emotional involvement, or to be platonic friends without desiring anything further. But it's also possible that something could shift, and take at least one of the participants into a different space where it's no longer so simple. That's fine if that person is not you, less fine if it is. There are always risks with any R of any kind. There can be no guarantees. Perfect statement and spot on. You can never guarantee that your heart will not get involved, even if you go into with a very clear understanding of what it is to begin with. Thats why having A's no or really any R for that matter is a gamble. As they say in life, the only thing you can guarantee is taxes and death.
Silly_Girl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 YES! Seems I recall a story on here or maybe it was somewhere else, where that exact thing happened. That's scary but also a little bit funny. Not sure I'd laugh if it happened to me.
2sure Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 When an OW says or thinks to herself that : I dont feel guilty/bad because even if it were not with me, MM would still be cheatting..... I am no position to think anyone should feel guilty or bad about themselves ...but - If he would still be cheating even without you in the picture, doesnt that mean you could be anyone, you are not special just available?
Saul Goodman Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Seriously..........a cyber affair. someone on the other side of that screen could be a serial killer, a child molester, a prison inmate, a parolee. Extreme examples yes but how the hell would you know? You really can't unless you do a background check assuming you have their real name. Gotta take these things with a grain of salt. "Hey. I saw your profile and I think that you're really cute. This is the first time that I've done this so I'm pretty nervous lol. Anyway, I've got three great kids. I love 'em. I'll send you a pic. Am I single? Well, technically I'm still married but my wife and I are separated. Yeah, she's got her own bf so I thought that I would start dating again. She knows about all of this so no worries. So what's your favourite food? Chinese? Wow, what I coincidence, I love Chinese food. And you like to go jogging by the beach? What a coincidence, I love to go jogging by the beach. And you like traveling around the world? What coincidence, I love traveling around the world. We have so much in common. I've never felt chemistry like this before. ......so hey, let's meet up and have sex!" You know, I think that I would be good at this. Creepy.
MissBee Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 When an OW says or thinks to herself that : I dont feel guilty/bad because even if it were not with me, MM would still be cheatting..... I am no position to think anyone should feel guilty or bad about themselves ...but - If he would still be cheating even without you in the picture, doesnt that mean you could be anyone, you are not special just available? Great question!
OpenBook Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 When an OW says or thinks to herself that : I dont feel guilty/bad because even if it were not with me, MM would still be cheatting..... I am no position to think anyone should feel guilty or bad about themselves ... Great statement!
Author ShortyJones Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 First I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to reply, I have read all the replies and do not have the time this week to make individual statements/comments. I read you all loud and clear and understand. There is more to this story just to let you know, he's not some crazy man I met on the internet, it's not a seedy kinky web cam thing, he's just a lonely guy and I was a lonely gal. ' Things are changing, so I will update a report in a few weeks as I'm sure it's going to naturally end. I never went into this wanting him to change his life, but I do like what he's done for me. I am still feeling good! Cheers everyone, SJ
Woman In Blue Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 If we were to end now, knowing him how I do, he will find someone else, but it be his decision how quick and easy it is. Well, at least you're not one of the deluded ones who believe that you're soulmates and all that nonsense. This guy is your typical a*sshole cheater out on the make, looking for a cheap thrill. I've encountered his type millions of times and can't even turn on my chat program without being assaulted by countless idiots just like him. If you do get together in person with Romeo, make sure to use TWO condoms - and a body bag - because you'll need the protection.
Gentlegirl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Well, at least you're not one of the deluded ones who believe that you're soulmates and all that nonsense. This guy is your typical a*sshole cheater out on the make, looking for a cheap thrill. I've encountered his type millions of times and can't even turn on my chat program without being assaulted by countless idiots just like him. If you do get together in person with Romeo, make sure to use TWO condoms - and a body bag - because you'll need the protection. I just love your post! Gentlegirl
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