If her love for me was real she would be able to forgive, right?

[proteinshake25]

Long story short, I dumped my ex 7 months ago(had GIGS for another girl in another state), been trying to get her back for5 months now. I told her in month 2, that I wanted to see her again, and I cared about her more than anyone else. She said she couldnt forgive me for hurting her so badly. Months 3-4 she randomly calls me and screams and tells me how terrible I was, she tried to make me out worse than I was, saying I would've cheated had I had the chance( I never did cheat on her) She threw alot of insults my way, I was her punching bag for months 3-4. She went no contact month 5. She's moved in with her new boyfriend,they were dating 6 weeks post-breakup. I told my ex a few weeks ago,that I love her unconditionally. Perhaps for my sake of moving on, Im trying to convince myself that if her love was unconditional, she would be able to forgive me. I forgive her for everything she's said and done. I'm thinking her love is very weak to break so easily. Just wanting some oppionions here.

[silly_panda]

You can try your best... But only she has the answer for all of your questions... No one knows what kinda hell she went through when you broke her heart...

[proteinshake25]

oh, she def went through hell, we both have . I felt guilty too, thats why i let her disrespect and insult me,I really felt ashamed. At the same time,she has never once offerred forgiveness.

Edited September 5, 2011 by proteinshake25

[KathyM]

Long story short, I dumped my ex 7 months ago(had GIGS for another girl in another state), been trying to get her back for5 months now. I told her in month 2, that I wanted to see her again, and I cared about her more than anyone else. She said she couldnt forgive me for hurting her so badly. Months 3-4 she randomly calls me and screams and tells me how terrible I was, she tried to make me out worse than I was, saying I would've cheated had I had the chance( I never did cheat on her) She threw alot of insults my way, I was her punching bag for months 3-4. She went no contact month 5. She's moved in with her new boyfriend,they were dating 6 weeks post-breakup. I told my ex a few weeks ago,that I love her unconditionally. Perhaps for my sake of moving on, Im trying to convince myself that if her love was unconditional, she would be able to forgive me. I forgive her for everything she's said and done. I'm thinking her love is very weak to break so easily. Just wanting some oppionions here.

You dumped her to run off to be with some other woman. Do you really think she should continue to love you regardless? Doesn't work that way, normally. You've hurt her badly. Very few relationships can get back together once someone gives the message, and acts on it, that they are going to pursue someone else. She doesn't want to be second choice. She obviously feels that if she wasn't good enough for you to stay around the first time, you don't have strong enough feelings for her to make it work in the long term. She may be able to forgive you eventually, but highly doubtful she'd ever want to get back together with you. You've proven you are not someone that is worth her time to pursue.

[proteinshake25]

yes Kathy, that seems to be the consensous. However, we all make mistakes. If a woman's love is simply one shot and done, then what good is it in the first place. If a teenager says they hate living with their parents, and run away from home, and the parents stop caring for the teen after 2 months, thoose parents most likely did not love or care for the child enough, in the first place, and their is perhaps a more suitable guardian for them.

[silly_panda]

Look... Your ex is really hurt and she is in a new relationship rite now... If you had realized your mistake and really wanted her back... You have to show her that you are truly sorry and sincere this time around...

 

As you know the final decision is on her... You can do your part, wait, and hope... Set a time frame for yourself... If she didn't give you an answer for xx number of weeks, months, you will wish her happy and move on... I really hope you had realized your mistake and won't repeat it again in your next relationship (whoever the girl is)... Good luck...

[Dblock10]

hmm her actions speak louder than words. your too late now, she has moved on and is moving on. you are only going to hurt yourself more by trying now.

 

if you love her, you will understand that you hurt her beyond repair at least for a long time. your going to have to become her safety net now. not good.

 

easier for you to move on and learn from the mistake i think

[FeelingSmall]

You know personally I would have a much easier time understanding (Not forgiving) a one night stand fling with some strange than I would having my boyfriend actually leave me for someone else. Give his love, attention and time to someone else. Then once he gets his fix comes crawling back? No thanks, NEXT.

 

In doing that YOU demonstrated that YOUR love was "weak and so easy to break"

 

She's moved on to someone else. She's on the mend, you did put her through hell and "allowing" her to "disrespect" you? You went to her. You told her you wanted her back, she didn't come to you. She had every right to say whatever was on her mind when you called her. When you reopen the wounds and ask to be trusted again?

 

Also, seconding KathyM, no girl wants to feel like someones second choice. How terribly romantic and a great story for the grandkids - After he/she realized that the other M/W wasn't as good (or didn't want him/her) he came back to me!!! Awww...

 

Move on and the next time you find someone you love remember this situation. Anytime things get tough and you want to run think about what you're leaving behind because you are LEAVING IT and chances are it won't be there when you get back.

[proteinshake25]

I of course will never make the same mistake again, it was a huge learning experience, but costly. However, I would not have known how great she was, how rare she is, had I not left her. We would've perhaps gotten married, and I would've divorced, because I would not have known, what I know now. My point goes back to the topic, and that is "love covers all wrongs,hatred stirs up conflict"The entire time i left her for the other girl, I had still at that point loved my ex more than the new girl. I was infatuated with the new girl, and the feelings of it were addicting. My point is, if the love is strong enough, it can help mend the wrongfull things that have been done. To your point about grandkids, that is nonsense. What kind of stories you think are told to divorcee's,kids born out of wedlock,father left,etc. it could be way worse. I have a friend of mine who agrees what I did was wrong, but at the sametime forgave her ex for having another baby with another woman, while dating her. She still loves and forgives him. I'm not sure how religious everyone is here, but the bible states our love for a spouse should be the love God flowing through you. That same love is unconditional,forgiving and everlasting. Any love other than that is just a farce and the relationship will not be successfull.

[0hpenelope]

Well, she will be able to forgive, but don't equate forgiveness and getting back together as going hand in hand. She's moving on in a romantic relationship right now, you know? With a new guy and a new life. She knows where you are in your feelings for her, and she still understandably chose the new guy. She really wants to and you have to respect that, even if you want to draw her towards you again.

 

Also, I think it's great that you're still posting and coming back here, proteinshake25. There's a lot of projection that happens on these boards and being in the position of the "dumper" makes you more vulnerable to "You hurt her, she's never going back, etc." opinions but I'm sure you've heard, read, and know of cases where it isn't always like that.

 

But you have to be reasonable with yourself as well. She cannot keep punishing you for your decision to break up with her. Even if you get her back and she has this mindset of conditional forgiveness, you two are setting up for a whole new break up and w/ a likelier chance of that break up becoming more bitter than this one. You can put in as much effort as you want, but she may not want to get back with you either in the near future or ever again.

 

I'm thinking that you should put yourself in the mindset of taking care of your needs and your personal growth considering that she's chosen her current guy and is actively choosing him. No one really ever knows what's going to happen with an ex (and the stories I've heard from my own family, friends, and other sources just reinforce this belief), but you can carry on with your dignity intact and really grow from this experience as a better person and a better partner to either your ex or someone else.

[Afishwithabike]

Proteinshake - you seem to think if it's true love then you should be able to say or do whatever to her and, after a period of time, she should forgive you. You know by now that it doesn't work that way. You are not owed a second chance. You are not owed anything by your ex. Your ex is a person with feelings. She's not a doormat just waiting for you to decide which girl you really love. Forgiveness can't be demanded. I'm sure you'll say you didn't demand it, but it sounds to me like you are demanding it 'If her love for me was real, she would be able to forgive." Your ex-girlfriend doesn't owe you forgiveness. In time, she will probably will forgive you so that she can move on from the hurt and betrayal, but that's something she does for her own peace of mind. Forgiving you doesn't mean she takes you back.

[proteinshake25]

yes, I understand that fish, thoose are some good points,. I'm trying to find a flaw, other than the one I committed, so I can help myself move on. I feel like we both really loose from this breakup. You think it's tough being dumped. You have no idea. Being the dumper and living with the regret is far worse. I'm just telling myself if it was supposed to be, her love for me will be there and we can overcome this, if not then her love is weak. Maybe my logic is wrong, but it's what I've been trying to tell myself.

[Ebony78]

You say if she loved you unconditionally then she would forgive you but if you truly loved her, you wouldn't have left her for another woman. She is heart broken and if I were her, I wouldn't give you another chance either.

[wilsonx]

You say if she loved you unconditionally then she would forgive you but if you truly loved her, you wouldn't have left her for another woman.

 

^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

 

What you are regretting right now is the other woman did not work out, you are a monkey that had hold of one branch,grasped a hold of another branch and let go of the original branch. The new branch actually broke and now you hit the ground and are going through the suffering that you have to go through after a breakup.

 

You don't love her, if you did you would have never left her.

 

As for moving forward, it does not matter what she thinks any more. The relationship is OVER, TERMINATED, DOES NOT EXIST. She does not owe you anything and that includes forgiveness.

 

The only person that owes you forgiveness is yourself. Until you start moving forward and learn to forgive yourself for your own actions you will never heal.

[M2155]

I think the only "unconditional" love is that of a parent to their child (and God for many). You choose, you can't help your feelings, but there is choice in the matter. Clearly there are feelings for you two to have the exchanges you describe.

 

I think your ex can very well forgive you but it will take time. You two sound like you have had a lot of interaction and really it's only time that makes you reflect, remember and see things clearly. It's possible she may see with her new boyfriend the same thing that you did when you left her for the woman that you did, that it's not going to work out. Your pursuing her is probably motivating her more to make it work (I know it would me); plus she is angry and take it from us, anger takes time to fade.

 

Whatever happens it would be ill advised probably for you two to enter a relationship with each other until you've both had a few good months (at least) of single-time. Maybe this one wasn't meant to be:(

[Zaphod B]

I feel the question should be "SHOULD she forgive you?" And even if she did forgive you, why SHOULD she come back to you? Just because someone loves you doesn't mean they should put themselves back in a position where they will be hurt again, even if they have forgiven. Going by your logic, a woman who is being physically abused by her spouse should forgive that husband and remain with him. Would you recommend that? I'd hope not. No one should put themselves back in a position where they will most likely suffer again. With you she probably will, because how long before you again decide the grass is greener somewhere else?

 

I'm trying to find a flaw, other than the one I committed, so I can help myself move on.

 

What, so you want to turn HER into the villain? How is that fair? You're the one that did the dirty on her and now you want to put the blame on her for the fact you can't be together? Are you for real? How about just manning up and accepting responsibility for your own actions?

 

It seems you need to forgive yourself, not have her forgive you.

 

You say if she loved you unconditionally then she would forgive you but if you truly loved her, you wouldn't have left her for another woman. She is heart broken and if I were her, I wouldn't give you another chance either.

 

AMEN to that! it is you, Proteinshake who failed to show true and unconditional love. She is simply protecting herself from being treated like crap again. I don't blame her. Blame no one but yourself, PS. She is not the guilty party here and should not be the one put on trial.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Zaphod B