My WH's psychological welfare...

[Severely Unamused]

I'm doing okay. Bought an RV which is a step down from a million dollar house. Swamped in paperwork. Dealing with a complex moral dilemma now that the mOW's husband will be coming home soon. The usual sh*t.

 

Anyways, stbxH and I went to therapy and MC a few days ago.

 

So, a question for the lovely people here. How do you help the WS deal with their guilt? Especially one that is most likely suffering from depression/caught up in their own MLC? And yes, I have been talking with his psychiatrist about this. Just want some more opinions.

 

Some additional information. My husband has been emotionally neglecting me for nearly 2 years, an act that has left me...well, look at my name. My current theory is that he has transferred the guilt that he feels over treating me this way for so long (especially treating me like cr*p this last month), and the sense of loss that he is feeling now that I am leaving him, and formed a giant "guilt bubble" with his affair directly in the centre. How would you deal with this metaphorical bubble exactly?

 

I also remember saying that I would stop posting here. Considering how useful LS has been, that was actually rather stupid of me.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[keepsmilin74]

Hi SU, I'm glad to see you again but sorry to see you are still dealing with HIS problems. Why are you wasting money on MC? You ARE separating and have even provided for him financially, to your own loss. He is supposedly a grown man, let him deal with his own mess and move on rebuilding your own life. Go limited to no contact and just cut it off. Perhaps you trying to help is actually hampering his progress too.

[carhill]

Our situation was a bit different, especially aspects which have come to light post-divorce, but I can opine that, for us (me anyway), MC helped me process the D without resorting to 'Plan B' otherwise known as global thermonuclear war. It showed a different path was possible. So, at a cost much less than that my lawyer quoted, I ended the EA, divorced and helped my mother to die with some dignity, all in one year. I can't imagine what the results would have been without professional psychological help.

 

I'm not trying to 'sell' MC but rather showing it is one potential, totally dependent on the parties willingness to work at it, to 'get through this' with a minimum of collateral damage.

 

In our situation, my exW earned more than I did, substantially more due to my caregiving responsibilities, but I held the vast majority of assets, most earned prior to M. Without MC, that could've been a massive, and expensive, battle. It wasn't. I gave up some, an amount I could live with, and kept my sanity, which is priceless.

 

To wit, I'm spiffing up my little version of an RV today and heading off to camp for a week with friends. Hope you enjoy your RV

[bentnotbroken]

I am of the mindset that it would take the Lord himself to come down and tell me to help Mr. Messy to deal with his feelings. Divorce is a potential consequence of his actions. Are you going to help him deal with all the consequences of his actions? Or just his depression? How much more responsibility do you feel for him? What about taking care of you and only you?

[speedster]

you can't help him. i tried that with my stbx and it didn't help at all, and certainly wasn't cheap. I ended up feeling worse, actually.

 

he certainly didn't take your feelings into consideration, why are you taking his? (i know, because you are not like that)... but taking care of YOU right now should be your priority. you're hurting and honestly, you need to be healthy before trying to help him, if you choose.

[Spark1111]

I'm doing okay. Bought an RV which is a step down from a million dollar house. Swamped in paperwork. Dealing with a complex moral dilemma now that the mOW's husband will be coming home soon. The usual sh*t.

 

Anyways, stbxH and I went to therapy and MC a few days ago.

 

So, a question for the lovely people here. How do you help the WS deal with their guilt? Especially one that is most likely suffering from depression/caught up in their own MLC? And yes, I have been talking with his psychiatrist about this. Just want some more opinions.

 

Some additional information. My husband has been emotionally neglecting me for nearly 2 years, an act that has left me...well, look at my name. My current theory is that he has transferred the guilt that he feels over treating me this way for so long (especially treating me like cr*p this last month), and the sense of loss that he is feeling now that I am leaving him, and formed a giant "guilt bubble" with his affair directly in the centre. How would you deal with this metaphorical bubble exactly?

 

I also remember saying that I would stop posting here. Considering how useful LS has been, that was actually rather stupid of me.

 

Do not accept unacceptable behavior. There may be a lot of blamshifting, accusations, and big amount of self-pity being spewed now in your direction, some anger too because you are leaving.

 

Just...listen. You do not have to agree or disagree with his feelings. Just think on them and give yourself time to process them. Stay calm and keep your voice soft and even-tempered.

 

If there is anything you feel you could have done better in the marriage, say so. Apologize. Take the high road. Why not?

 

It is true that most WS begin to emotionally distance themselves before crashing into the AP. They begin to blame the marriage and the BS for all that ails them in their life and explains the pre-affair crappy treatment.

 

This is what you will continue to hear for a while: all his self-pitying excuses for what he did. Not that it is true, it's just what he told himself over and over to justify falling out of love with you before the affair.

 

The first DDAY prick of the affair fog leaves the WS half-blaming and angry (the old tapes still being recycled) and the new devastating realization of what they actually did to have and continue a secret affair.

 

They are being forced to look at the man in the mirror for the first time in a long time and are horrified at the consequences of their actions and what they will lose now because they were too busy thinking of only themselves.

 

My husband grew depressed and suicidal I believe, and I too was talking to many a mental health professional.

 

I vowed I would do everything kindly possible, without risking my own sanity, because I very much wanted him to be the best person he could be.

 

Why? because he was the father of my children and I wanted them to have the best parent they could, regardless of what happened between he and I.

 

That was my bottom line, and I do not regret my actions, as hard as it was to subjugate my own emotions for the sake of my children at that time.

[Severely Unamused]

Our situation was a bit different, especially aspects which have come to light post-divorce, but I can opine that, for us (me anyway), MC helped me process the D without resorting to 'Plan B' otherwise known as global thermonuclear war. It showed a different path was possible. So, at a cost much less than that my lawyer quoted, I ended the EA, divorced and helped my mother to die with some dignity, all in one year. I can't imagine what the results would have been without professional psychological help.

 

I'm not trying to 'sell' MC but rather showing it is one potential, totally dependent on the parties willingness to work at it, to 'get through this' with a minimum of collateral damage.

 

In our situation, my exW earned more than I did, substantially more due to my caregiving responsibilities, but I held the vast majority of assets, most earned prior to M. Without MC, that could've been a massive, and expensive, battle. It wasn't. I gave up some, an amount I could live with, and kept my sanity, which is priceless.

 

To wit, I'm spiffing up my little version of an RV today and heading off to camp for a week with friends. Hope you enjoy your RV

 

I think that we are going to MC for similar reasons. Before the marriage ends, I would like to get some form of closure between us. Empty out and resolve all the skeletons in our respective closets and end things as cleanly as possible (perhaps the two are contradictory?). Honestly, my husband has not been the greatest communicator for the past two years. MC has provided a place for him to actually open up.

 

^ Now I'm the one "selling" MC.

 

For the other 3 posts: I know that I have to focus on my own well-being. That's one of the reasons why I am getting a divorce and living in my RV.

 

I've had to look after myself for my entire life...nobody else to depend on for most of it. I've dealt with physical, mental, and sexual abuse in the past. I've dealt with traumatic events in the past. This is just another notch on my belt. I'll do what I do to resolve my issues and move on with my life, as I have always done.

 

I don't intend to "baby" my stbxH. If all my attempts to reach out to him fail, I'll know that I did what I could.

Edited September 6, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Severely Unamused]

Do not accept unacceptable behavior. There may be a lot of blamshifting, accusations, and big amount of self-pity being spewed now in your direction, some anger too because you are leaving.

 

Just...listen. You do not have to agree or disagree with his feelings. Just think on them and give yourself time to process them. Stay calm and keep your voice soft and even-tempered.

 

If there is anything you feel you could have done better in the marriage, say so. Apologize. Take the high road. Why not?

 

It is true that most WS begin to emotionally distance themselves before crashing into the AP. They begin to blame the marriage and the BS for all that ails them in their life and explains the pre-affair crappy treatment.

 

This is what you will continue to hear for a while: all his self-pitying excuses for what he did. Not that it is true, it's just what he told himself over and over to justify falling out of love with you before the affair.

 

The first DDAY prick of the affair fog leaves the WS half-blaming and angry (the old tapes still being recycled) and the new devastating realization of what they actually did to have and continue a secret affair.

 

They are being forced to look at the man in the mirror for the first time in a long time and are horrified at the consequences of their actions and what they will lose now because they were too busy thinking of only themselves.

 

My husband grew depressed and suicidal I believe, and I too was talking to many a mental health professional.

 

I vowed I would do everything kindly possible, without risking my own sanity, because I very much wanted him to be the best person he could be.

 

Why? because he was the father of my children and I wanted them to have the best parent they could, regardless of what happened between he and I.

 

That was my bottom line, and I do not regret my actions, as hard as it was to subjugate my own emotions for the sake of my children at that time.

 

No blameshifting, anger, or accusations from him. I would have told him to go fornicate himself were that the case. But there is a lot of self-pity and attempts to reconcile with me.

 

Anyway, I can relate to what you have posted for the most part.

[keepsmilin74]

Ah, great to hear for a moment I thought he'd somehow "guilted" you into worrying more about him than yourself!

 

How do you help the WS deal with their guilt? Especially one that is most likely suffering from depression/caught up in their own MLC?

 

Sorry, no idea, but what Spark said sounds good... just listen to him (I take that to mean during the MC, and presumably low contact any other time.) He'll work through his own feelings in time. If you say anything at all, just gently guide him towards focusing on the care of your child rather than wallowing in his own selfish self pity.

[Severely Unamused]

Ah, great to hear for a moment I thought he'd somehow "guilted" you into worrying more about him than yourself!

 

 

 

Sorry, no idea, but what Spark said sounds good... just listen to him (I take that to mean during the MC, and presumably low contact any other time.) He'll work through his own feelings in time. If you say anything at all, just gently guide him towards focusing on the care of your child rather than wallowing in his own selfish self pity.

 

I don't get guilted into doing anything. I have a low tolerance level for any form of psychological manipulation.

 

A humble message for the BSs here: Realise the signs, don't get played for a fool. IME both the BS and the WS need to maintain healthy boundaries for any kind of amiable relationship to be possible in the long term. A guilt trip is an attempt to breach and subvert these boundaries. I don't believe that the BS should hold the WS's affair over their heads, but for the WS to behave like a petulant child simply because they are facing the consequences of their own actions...

 

One foolish attempt to play on your feelings, and it's out the door.

 

On the positive side, my husband's stalking behaviour has stopped. He's still begging for reconciliation but it's nowhere near as intrusive now.

Edited September 7, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Sleepy.

[Memphis Raines]

So, a question for the lovely people here. How do you help the WS deal with their guilt? Especially one that is most likely suffering from depression/caught up in their own MLC?

 

are you sure its guilt he is dealing with?

 

I don't think any WS goes into depression for "guilt". There might be a rare case when guilt may get to someone that bad.

 

But my guess is his depression is that he had to give up the other woman and he is suffering withdrawals and probably still pining.

[Severely Unamused]

But my guess is his depression is that he had to give up the other woman and he is suffering withdrawals and probably still pining.

 

Could be. If that were the case than I can think of 3 main conclusions.

 

1. He slowly weans himself off of the mOW.

2. He lives in a sort of limbo for the rest of his life.

3. He resumes contact with the mOW.

 

If he chooses option 2, than he is basically screwed. How will he ever move on?

 

1 would probably be the greatest test of his willpower. He would get to see his weaknesses and his strengths with greater clarity. I think that this would provide the greatest personal growth.

 

3 is an interesting one. I honestly believe that the mOW is incredibly mentally vulnerable to say the least. Misery loves company. Maybe things will work out with them and maybe they won't. Since the marriage is over, I don't really care that much. As long as those two don't bring our son into their drama, it's not my problem.