Ayla Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I have been on and off LS for 3 or so years now...and I have found it a great source to air my questions, hurt, feelings, frustrations etc etc I have been thinking though - how much of the advice given here is skewed by our current personal hopes, dreams and past hurt? A classic example - someone who is hoping that their ex partner will come back to them...are they more likely to implant hopes in someone elses need for advice? Or someone who dated a police officer - and then for everyone else who has a post about a partner/potential poster who is a police officer might get negative advice. I know we all give advice based on experiences, general social norms and expectations...I am referring to the immediate personal situation that the poster mught be experiencing. Thoughts?
carhill Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Sure. As an example, in the month or so on either side of my mother's death, I was more emotional and sensitive than 'normal'. Same with certain 'high' points of my divorce. Only a robot would be unaffected by life events, IMO. That said, if past life events skew emotions so completely out of the ordinary for current circumstances, that's worth looking at. As an example, when young, I was bullied a lot, and often assaulted physically (that was 'OK' back then) and I'll often have a violent reaction to bullying behaviors even as a mature man; reactions out of proportion to the 'threat'. Some of my responses on LS reflect that. It's still a work in progress. I attribute it to happening at a young age when deep emotional memories are being formed, generally prior to mid-puberty. I've often seen similar 'out of context' behaviors from women who were abused or molested as children. Those deep emotional memories can be triggered by current events and the emotional response comes from the past emotional tape rather than as a reflection of the person's current emotional makeup and circumstances. I've also seen a marked connection from such past pain to substance abuse, which also can skew behaviors. So, perhaps there are aspects of both current situations and the past which affect people's responses in a manner which could be outside of their normal pattern of response. Anything is possible. Regarding generalizations based on personal experience, I tend to take it just that way and often, when posting, include 'IME', meaning 'in my experience' to personalize the comments made. For example, IME, most women I've met who have substance abuse problems have had abuse/molestation/or rape in the backgrounds. This means that the two situations have correlated overwhelmingly in the data points I have. By no means is that any sort of scientific statement. It's an opinion based on personal experiences, as are most shared here on LS.
Author Ayla Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 You know-I actually thought of you whilst posing the question! In a good way of course. I always like reading your IMEs and opinions. I guess I was posing this question, because when I am giving opinions and thoughts...I try as hard as possible to think outside my own personal situation, hopes etc... I know many other regulars do as well. Tonight I was reading a few posts, and there was definitely some current personal situations that were impacting on people's advice. I find it very interesting.
carhill Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Here's an example of a current thread exemplifying 'personalization'..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295731/ In it, we're adding our personal experiences. You can note, in my responses, how I separate out my personal reactions/preferences from those of 'other men' and 'data points' and envision a way to solve the OP's issue without the solution conforming to what works for me. Many LS'ers commonly do this and I believe it's relatively easy to do if emotionally detached. To me, that's key. As I once opined in another thread, I don't challenge other's opinions, though I will assertively offer mine to OP's but if someone calls me out, it's gloves off. That's simply a function of site policy and how I respond to abrogations of it. If people stick to the topic and avoid personal attacks (IMO calling someone's self or opinion 'names' is a personal attack), then my bully-dar doesn't go off. I recall this happening about a week before my mom died and I calmly advised the poster to stick to the topic and not comment about me and that life would be immensely more pleasurable for her on-forum if she did, then added that I was in end of life care. The message was received. IMO, given the nature of this site, and interpersonal relationships in general, there will always be elements of both personalization and emotion which imbue the process. We can choose how we process that as well as how we react to it. Will we be perfect? Nope. I'm certainly no poster boy for perfection. Is the process meaningful? I hope. I've certainly learned a lot from it, and LS. That, to me, indicates that the opinions and personal experiences offered by others, even when opposing those offered by myself, have meaning and impact and assist growth.
ja123 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I find that I cann "see" other people's situations much more objectively than my own. So, though any advice I give is informed by my experiences I don't go into giving any advice with a specific agenda, per se. I come on here with the hopes that people may see my situation more objectively than I do. It is also interesting to get feedback from different people (both men and women) who have different life experiences; then, I can mull it over and make up my own mind. Plus, it's nice to know that you're not alone. Other people are facing ups and downs, hurts, fears, self-doubt, etc.
Author Ayla Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Emotional detachment is definitely the key! I think calling OPs posts and opinions names etc is not really helping the situation, and not really necessary. Ja123-I'm the same as you, as I'm sure many people are...in seeing someone else's situation more objectively that my own. At least I hope so! There are so many lovely people on here, it is great. I think one of the things that helps me determine whether the poster is being objective or not, is to also understand where they are coming from and what their current situation is.
grkBoy Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Practically all my responses have been based on my own life experiences. It's the only way I know how to approach these topics. So if you see me bashing on women who want "friends first" or giving guys a hard time when I see they became a woman's cuddle-b*tch, it's because I speak from my own mistakes. Same deal as when I give women hell for trying to "make it work" with jerks, or lamenting how they can't find an above average man in a sea of average joes. I speak from seeing enough women play those games who ruined their lives. I try to be fair and balanced in it all, and not fall into the "I hate women" or "all men are horny little boys" traps many get into.
Professor X Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I have been on and off LS for 3 or so years now...and I have found it a great source to air my questions, hurt, feelings, frustrations etc etc I have been thinking though - how much of the advice given here is skewed by our current personal hopes, dreams and past hurt? A classic example - someone who is hoping that their ex partner will come back to them...are they more likely to implant hopes in someone elses need for advice? Or someone who dated a police officer - and then for everyone else who has a post about a partner/potential poster who is a police officer might get negative advice. I know we all give advice based on experiences, general social norms and expectations...I am referring to the immediate personal situation that the poster mught be experiencing. Thoughts? How can I view the world other than through my own pair of goggles? And what is my own pair of goggles if not my emotions, experience and morals? Unless, of course, you think I can detach my emotions like a robot Maybe I'm the T1000, who knows
rafallus Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) I have been thinking though - how much of the advice given here is skewed by our current personal hopes, dreams and past hurt?All of it. I can say that for myself, and I doubt anyone can say otherwise for themselves (unless they are rather naive or have something to hide). OTOH, if it wasn't skewed by any experience, it would be completely worthless. Edited September 5, 2011 by rafallus
sm1tten Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I'm a better coach than a quarterback, for sure, but I think I generally give the same advice... but the format differs - if I've had a bad day or I'm frustrated with a poster it probably shows. I think I see far more with other people that they tend to give the advice that they want to hear. The same posters often post the same problem or variations of it over and over. That's why I advise taking all advice with a grain of salt.
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