brokendreamz Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 So I started seeing this girl - we're both in our early thirties. She's extremely shy and after 4 dates I was considering ending it as I could not tell if she was in to me or not, I mean she hardly spoke! We did however have a bit of a kiss, so I thought perhaps she was loosening up a bit?! So on the 5th date (and a bottle of wine for her) we end up doing the wild thing and she's like a different person. She was pretty wild!! So the next day I hear nothing and initiated with a text - It's ALWYS me starting the conversation/getting the ball rolling with texts or in person! So I really wanted her to get in touch with me as I thought we'd taken our relationship to the next level!! I saw her again last night (and this morning if you get my drift!) and I do really like her but again, she's just REALLY quiet. It feels like hard work because I always try to get the conversation going - if I don't we wouldn't talk at all!!!!!!!!!! I tried talking to her and asking where our relationship is going but she just says I'm over thinking things and it's 'early days'. I could understand this... If we hadn't slept together! I don't know - maybe I'm just old fashioned?! So what do you guys make of this? Does she see me as her F Buddy or do you think she's just that shy and won't ever change? I really don't know how to play this :0(
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Give her a bit of silent treatment and see if she takes the lead. I don't mean go no contact on her, just a day or two. If she texts, leave it a bit before a reply. Try to see things the other way round each time - when you text and she hesitates in replying it builds up the feelings as now you're worrying, but then she replies and suddenly you feel great. All that worrying for nothing. All that's doing is increasing your feelings for her as you're linking that feeling of utter joy you get when she responds directly to her. A bit deep I know, but just stop making all the first moves. Maybe she's quite enjoying the attention and happy for you to take the lead, but clearly you're not. Respond in kind to how she responds to you.
Emilia Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I don't recommend games and the silent treatment. You can't force someone to be opposite of who they are naturally. Some people are very quiet and introverted if that's not your style you will struggle long term. It seems the two of you are incompatible
Author brokendreamz Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Hey Emilia... That's what Im starting to think, I don't think she's playing games however I am going to follow Smudge's advice. I hate game playing but in this case I don't know if I'd call it that - just a sound way to judge the next move. Why does it have to be so hard!! If she just wants FWB then she should let me know and I can then decide which way to go. I'm not one for random hookups so this could be a very short lived thing!
Emilia Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You should talk to her. A lot of people don't know how to express themselves, you shouldn't just assume she wants an FWB. A lot of women are quieter by nature and more passive, it seems you would prefer a more outgoing person. The fact that she is quiet (or maybe just old fashioned thinking the guy should take the initiative) doesn't make her evil. Talk to her.
Author brokendreamz Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 I keep trying to talk to her - she just repeats 'it's early days' which it is, however sleeping with someone kinda does away with the 'early days' bit in my book! I am more than happy to take the initiative... not EVERY time though! They say a good relationship is has it's roots in good communication. This is not something I can say about the first weeks/month of our relationship. Should I give it more time?
Emilia Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Oh yes you said in your original post that you tried to talk to her. I think what matters is that you should feel you tried everything. Ultimately, if your efforts are not reciprocated for whatever reason there isn't much else you can do. It might help her long term as well if she realises she has to up her game in the future. Just make sure you take it as far as you can and if you need to break up with her at least you did your best.
cerridwen Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 broken, why do you like this girl when she's such a chore to talk to? She can't even articulate her thoughts on the current status of your relationship, or her desire for more. That sounded harsh but I'm hearing you a touch frustrated and I think I'm only mirroring this back. To be clear, I like shy people and am willing to give them a chance. However, what you're describing has the potential to become very tedious. Is there attraction beyond the sex?
country_gurl Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Doesn't sound to me like she's all that shy if she's got no problem jumping into bed. Sounds to me like she's just not really that into you or she's just not very socially adept. The point of dating is to find someone we click with on various levels. It seems with this girl, after a handful of dates, you're just not clicking. Why stick with it? Surely you could find someone who can actually carry on a conversation, who has something to say, who takes an interest in you and asks YOU questions and initiates conversation and contact. She sounds like a dud to me.
Author brokendreamz Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Cerridwen - That's the point. I like shy people and usually find they have more to offer than the shouty 'look at me' types. I had high hopes that once I broke through the shyness she'd start to come out of her shell - I really liked her to begin with but am starting to wonder if there isn't much more going on with her. It has become tedious, sex is good but I need mental stimulation too. I think that if there is nothing on the horizon after another week I'll make my excuses. Country_girl - I thought the same to begin with; she wasn't that in to me, however I don't think she'd have me in her bed if there wasn't some attraction for her. What ever, I have a horrible feeling you are right... Dud? :0(
simpsonic Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) It looks like on the 5th date you guys ended up in bed because she had a bottle of wine. I suspect the wine helped her open up (thus the fact that she was like a different person) and now that the wine has worn off she's back to her old self. The fact that she can't even carry a decent conversation with you isn't a good sign. I don't see any compatibility here. Edited September 5, 2011 by simpsonic Wanted to delete a sentence
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