TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 It's currently 1:00 AM and here I am back on these forums after a few months away. I should've taken everyone's advice and stayed gone from him when I left him. But I took him back and gave him [yet] another chance. And now I'm in the same damn boat as before. My problem is that I CAN'T cope. Sure, I can write poetry that vents my feelings... and I do write poetry... I have nearly 250 poems in my portfolio... but that's not enough. He tells me he's going away again and I fall to pieces. He left a little while ago for his latest endeavor, and I spent all day yesterday trying my hardest to shove him away so I wouldn't end up feeling lonely like this when the inevitable occurred. But now he's off to have fun and games, and I'm laying in my bed with stomach pains that are caused because of bitterness and resentment. It doesn't feel fair. I guess you could say I'm jealous of the busy lifestyle he lives. He's so busy that he NEVER has time for me... but he has plenty of excuses/stories to keep me here. Like dangling a crumb of hope above me all the time, knowing I'm starving for any attention I can get. I wish I could knock that crumb away and tell him I deserve more than this. Why can't I get angry and stand up for myself like I'm meant to? Why have I let him have all this control over me... and why am I so afraid to be alone when that's all I ever am anyway... I'm back, and looking for help.
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You've got so used to him being around that when you first broke up it was so hard to be single again and understand that us humans can live alone and be happy. You can't see that, not right now (one day, but not yet) as you're still in love and want that companionship - it's what you've been used to. I bet when he came back it was as if all your dreams had come true and it only built up those feelings of need, only to have them crushed once again. I imagine it hurts even more this time around too. I would love a second chance, but know it would never be the same and like you, I'd probably only end up hurting more. Yet despite that, I still want her. How screwed up is that - we know we'll get hurt yet we still want them back. Really only no contact and time away from him will help you now, but you must remember how you feel right now so that you don't slip back again. It's so easy to take a loved one back (like I said, I'd do it in a heartbeat, I know I would, despite everything) when we're still in love with them. No one will blame you for what you did, only yourself.
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 You've got so used to him being around that when you first broke up it was so hard to be single again and understand that us humans can live alone and be happy. You can't see that, not right now (one day, but not yet) as you're still in love and want that companionship - it's what you've been used to. I bet when he came back it was as if all your dreams had come true and it only built up those feelings of need, only to have them crushed once again. I imagine it hurts even more this time around too. I would love a second chance, but know it would never be the same and like you, I'd probably only end up hurting more. Yet despite that, I still want her. How screwed up is that - we know we'll get hurt yet we still want them back. Really only no contact and time away from him will help you now, but you must remember how you feel right now so that you don't slip back again. It's so easy to take a loved one back (like I said, I'd do it in a heartbeat, I know I would, despite everything) when we're still in love with them. No one will blame you for what you did, only yourself. Absolutely right you are. I've known him for nearly 6 years and have been together exclusively with him for 3 of those years. I can't really remember life without him, and I guess I'm somehow afraid of having to restart everything. He and I are almost always on the same wavelength and I don't want to lose that. But in the end I guess I've got no choice. You're right - when we reconciled last back towards May, he gave me a list of things that would change to make our relationship better. Not even three days later had all those "changes" been conveniently forgotten. He later laughed at one of said changes and said "Yeah, that was a completely unrealistic change to begin with." I should've left right then and there, because that tore a massive hole in my heart. Yes, I do feel totally crushed again that he dangled a list of broken promises in my face and made me think that the relationship was worth saving, because it doesn't appear to be. In fact, it's nearly cost me my life several times when he's upset me so badly I've reacted self-destructively. In June I ended up in the hospital for a week because of it. You would think THAT would have told me everything I needed to know. But it didn't. In my mind I know what I have to do. In my heart, though, I can't find the strength. If my heart would just let go, I could do this. I could do this no problem. But it hangs on for some reason, and I'm afraid it's going to cost me everything... I'm tired of being hurt, and that's all I ever get.
smudge21 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You need to take things one step at a time - start off with not contacting him when you feel you want to. Do it again a week later. If he makes contact, don't reply. It's little things like that that will build up and slowly start to become easier. Your head knows what needs to be done but your heart is holding onto hope and won't let you do anything. Same boat right here with you. Don't expect the easy fix or to heal overnight - accept the pain and let it out. Cry and eat ice cream, whatever it takes. Oh and no more ending your life talk - no one is worth dying over, ever!
Recommended Posts