TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Well after being away for a couple of months, here I am again looking for help... For anyone who doesn't know or remember my story... I've been in an on-again, off-again LDR for a little over 3 years. When I originally started my stay here, I had broken up with him because he chose a vacation over me. Well, against the advice of most everyone, I decided to give him another chance. Fast forward several months - he's left for another trip, and here I am feeling upset and nearly destroyed. A little bit of background about me: Unfortunately I require a lot of attention, and if I don't feel like I've gotten enough I become depressed. If I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention I've been known to impulsively lash out and do stupid stuff. I've been seeing a therapist in regards to some other issues in my life, but this relationship always bubbles up in our sessions. She originally told me that he was toxic to me and that I needed to get out. She then recently changed her story and told me that I should learn to take what he gives me and accept it as being the best I'm going to get from him... that I was being too hard on him and that I was the one pushing away, not him. I feel like I've trapped myself. In my mind I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, as it feels like he isn't meeting my needs the way I need/want him to. In my mind I feel like this relationship is going to hold me back and/or drive me to do something dangerous to myself. Hell, it nearly took my life back in June... I ended up in the hospital for nearly a week because of a stupid fight I had with him that wound up with me nearly killing myself accidentally. Lately I've impulsively sped down the highways without paying attention to my speeds or where I was going just because he made me upset about something... and the "somethings" are usually petty. In my mind I don't want this. In my HEART, however... Apparently I'm still attached massively somewhere, because I've tried several times to end things and I've always wound right back up with him. He tells me he loves me, that he wants to be with me, that he doesn't want to lose me... When he tells me he loves me, I can't make myself say it back. It's not that I DON'T love him... maybe it's that whole "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" thing? In my heart I can't stop thinking about the time I've had with him... I've known him for so many years that it's hard to imagine life without him. Yet at the same time, in my heart I want him to know some of the pain he's caused me. I want him to hurt like I've hurt, and yet I can't make myself blatantly ignore him or anything like what he's done to me. I always come crawling back. While he's gone on this wonderful new trip of his, I'm planning on throwing myself into work as hard as I possibly can, even if I run myself ragged. If left alone, I end up doing self-destructing, so I have to find something to do to pass the time. I'm hoping that I work so much that I have no time for him, so maybe he can finally understand what loneliness really is. I've spoiled him by being here every day even when he's intentionally left me behind. I'm hoping to maybe find a hobby outside of the house so I have absoluely NO free time to sit around on my computer for him. This is NOT how a loving relationship should be. Why can't I just let him go? I feel like I've managed to get trapped in a relationship that's trying its best to kill me, and I'm terrified that if it continues, I'm going to end up completely self-destructing. Have I been too demanding and do I need to back off, or have I been neglected and do I need to run? Help me. I'm so confused.
wilsonx Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) I think you need to find a new therapist. I strongly suggest looking into seeing a clinical psychologist for a couple sessions and explain your situation to him or her. This relationship is extremely toxic. Having exited a relationship like this with an explosive ex like you that constantly pushes and pulls and just cant let go. I am not placing blame here at all and I do not want you to take it as that. I can tell you that I was the dumpee in a relationship just like this and I kept telling my ex that I loved her and I did and she in the end gave me the same responses you did. The same exact responses. I did love my ex and he probably loves you. What you need to understand is something key I see here. You can't control your boyfriend or ex, what ever you call him but you are trying to. So he does something you don't want him to do and you break up with him because your need for him to be around supercedes his need to travel and this isn't healthy. You are also by your own words extremely self destructive and extremely needy. This is why I suggest a clinical psychologist. The fact that your therapist hasn't done anything with this is kind of uhh? unless you left that part out about the almost killing yourself. One of the things I have left out of the forums is this same trait from my ex, she did not actually do it but she researched suicide stories on google. ------------------------------------- Sidenote Congratulations this is my 1000 post LS Edited September 5, 2011 by wilsonx
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 My therapist does know about the nearly killing myself... that incident was actually what led me to seek professional help. (That and my parents, but there's more to this story that I'm not exactly willing to share to the public.) I have been through a treatment plan for it and attend her sessions regularly. A problem that I have fallen into is that I'm his very first serious relationship... his first love... and I remember my first love. My first love treated me like total crap but I was devastated when he left me, and I tried my best to win him back. But as time wore on, I realized his mistreatment and was able to move on. I've not spoken to him since, and I'm happier for it. I'm afraid that he's not letting me go because of the whole "first love" thing. But another thing is, he's admitted to being afraid of committment. So I'm bewildered... "He's afraid to commit yet he's afraid of losing me? What?" I love him to death and would take a bullet for him in a heartbeat... but I don't think I'm IN love with him anymore. And I don't think it's all that fair to either of us to keep this relationship going - it's unfair to me because I'm having to pretend that I have feelings that I'm not sure I still have and it's unfair to him because he should have an honest relationship, not a sham...
wilsonx Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Your last post is 100% correct and i agree, you have to let him go. It has to be permanent for both of your sakes. Keep going with the treatment. NC and everything
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 You're right. I DO need to be tough and just completely NC things. I know in my mind what I gotta do, it's just my heart that doesn't want to go along with everything else. I guess I can't really blame my heart... I've known him for nearly 6 years and have been together with him for 3... It's definitely hard trying to picture life without him. Especially when he seems to be on my wavelength all the time. I'm definitely going to miss that. But I guess I know what I need to do. It's just a matter of making myself go through the motions.
Mcnulty Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I'm a bit puzzled by your words....you'd take a bullet for him, but you can't tell him you love him? Is that not one of the reasons he went on a vacation without you? It would confuse the hell out of me. Do you want full on commitment from your next BF? If you do it has to be reciprocated via saying things like "I love you".
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) I'm a bit puzzled by your words....you'd take a bullet for him, but you can't tell him you love him? Is that not one of the reasons he went on a vacation without you? It would confuse the hell out of me. Do you want full on commitment from your next BF? If you do it has to be reciprocated via saying things like "I love you". Well, for starters we kind of can't go on trips together because we're a LDR. I think I'm suffering the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing. Yes, I would absolutely take a bullet for him... but I can't tell him "I love you" if I don't think I mean it. And lately I don't think I do. Yes, I want commitment from my next boyfriend. I understand that I have to say "I love you," and I'll say it to him if I mean it... I'm sorry that I won't lead someone on by saying something I don't mean. Edited September 5, 2011 by TragicAlliance Typo.
Mcnulty Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 there you go...read your above...it's over, tell him, somehow I don't feel like you're the only one hurting, that's all.
betterdeal Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 What, in your mind, is the difference? To me, I see it as love being the bond and in love as the weightless feeling when one yields to another person. The latter is a temporary state. It can happen many times in a relationship (and will in a healthy relationship) but it's a temporary state, when we feel sufficiently safe. If that's what it is to you too, why do you crave it so much? I used to crave it. I was also deeply unhappy and unsure of my identity. I went through a long period of suppressing that craving. In the end, it had a lot to do a physical problem (phimosis) but also experiences from childhood onwards that resulted in a lot of trust issues. I have no idea if you have similar psychological issues. But craving attention and that weightlessness of being "in love" suggests to me there's a very frightened and hurt subconscious inside an increasingly inauthentic and rigid conscious mind. Find ways to find calm.
wilsonx Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) I have no idea if you have similar psychological issues. But craving attention and that weightlessness of being "in love" suggests to me there's a very frightened and hurt subconscious inside an increasingly inauthentic and rigid conscious mind. Find ways to find calm. I was waiting for you to pop in this thread. What you said and I quoted is exactly what I saw too just not in those artistic words. Give her time to find the calm, shes on that path now, shes in therapy and has a plan set out. Don't ask her why she is the way she is if you can't read into it anymore then what she posted, let it go and accept that she is the way she is or take it to pm and not this open forum. For me I understand everything she has said in all of her posts including the past, the lack of "I love you", what she is going through right now without her having to post information. The best way to move forward is the NC route, continue with your treatment plan and focus on you. I know this is going to be extremely difficult but it's something that will make you better in the grand scheme of things Edited September 5, 2011 by wilsonx
betterdeal Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 They were more questions for her to consider, not necessarily to post answers to. Think of NC as creating a space in which a new shape or connection can form. I see things spatially, so that works for me. If two people are two incredibly complex shapes than change over time, creating a space between then can enable them to reshape in ways that might better fit with each other. Also bear in mind he may also have just as many quirks and angles. You can drive yourself mad trying to figure out what happened, so keep an eye on what's happening now, in the present time. If you feel tired, go to sleep, if you're hungry, eat and so on. The feelings of abandonment and loss are a consequence of having an on-off relationship. Each swan-song ends the same way. Maybe it's time to accept you don't enjoy this boom-bust way of living and start living a more stable and authentic life. It's a lot to think about, so take time and take care of yourself. The pieces of the puzzle will fit together soon enough.
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