Mike's Problem

[MaddMike07]

I found out my wife was having an affair with someone she met online. She's known him for over a year and a half... she started talking when my wife's and my relationship had a problem after about 10 years a marriage and five children we grew apart. I stopped talking to her and she tried to talk to me but i was too much of and ass to listen. Her online relationship has advanced greatly he lives in Fargo and us in NY.. He travels for his job and tries to come here to visit her.. I have found out all this because my wife first by mistake left her email up and I read it about 3 or 4 months ago. A week ago I found her password she left it by mistake in the yahoo sign on. So I used it and read all her conversations. My heart hit the ground, I feel like i'm loosing everything, I've called him on the phone, threatened to Kill him and he won't stop messing with my wife and she seems to be eating it up to him, but to me she says she's working on things with us. She wanted to see him I told her she could but we needed a divorce first and she would have to move out and I wanted the House and the Children. This upset her, not what I was looking to do. I told her to stop the relationship with him and come back to our family and she thinks she needs to see him first to make that decision. I don't want her to see him. What I need is some help. I need to know when the 100 lb. weight leave my chest. Everyday I feel like I could die of a heart a tack.. Bottom line. I don't want my wife to leave I don't want my family to break up. I just have so much pain and anger to deal with and have no one to help me with it.. Please help...

[marqueemoon4]

First off-- you need to knock off the death threats.. people take that stuff seriously and though I know exactly how you feel, it will just make things MUCH worse and makes you look totally unstable.

 

Secondly, if at all possible try to stay calm and TRY to talk to her about this affair. Suggest counseling and see how she feels about that. If she doesn't want to talk about it let her go and start focusing on YOU and YOUR children. The angrier you get and the more you force her hand the less cooperative she will be. Also, to protect yourself maybe speak with a lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row. This could be the beginning of a very long, bumpy ride.

[jpundun]

Listen to Marquee. It makes to sense to threaten the other person. Let's face it it's not his fault that she is seeing him it's her fault.

 

I know how you must be feeling but try to get a hold of yourself. Let calmer heads prevail throughout. Since my journey started I have always maintained my cool and always talked calmly even when she is practically screaming at me or saying things to me that cut me to the core.

 

Dont let her get the best of you. You have to stay on top and the onlyu way you can do that is bt acting rationally. I know it's hard. You can try to talk to her about the affair but if she refuses then the only thing you can do is what has already been said. You can't control her and that's the bottom line.

 

Stay strong.

[Owl]

OK...so what, specifically, are you doing to try to force an end to her contact with OM?

 

What consequences is she truly suffering for her actions?

 

Has she told you that she wants to stay married, or has she said she wants to leave to be with him? What does she say she wants?

 

And what do you want?

 

Figure out what YOUR goal is...listen to what hers is...and then start working out a plan with actual steps to enable you to reach your goal. Post it here on LS if you like.

 

If your plan is divorce...you're in the right spot.

 

If you want to try to reconcile your marriage, you might consider a thread on the infidelity portion of this website.

[Chi townD]

First, you need to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. You don't have to do anything but be informed. Nothing wrong with that. I don't know why she feels that she needs to see him before she can make a decision. That's crossing the line as far as I'm concerned. What is she hoping for? That He'll sweep her off her feet and she can take the kids to move to Fargo? I don't think so! That's why you need to see a lawyer. You might have to get an injunction to ensure that the kids remain in the state. THAT'S why you have to talk to a lawyer.

 

Look, I realize you want to try and salvaage the marriage. Cool...I get it. But, right now. Protecting her and trying get through to her is the LAST thing that should be on your list now. Right now, you should be protecting yourself and your kids from a legal standpoint. Once that's done, THEN you can start to work on her. However, I would say to her that if she goes and see's this guy, then you're through with her. That's a level of disrespect to you and your marriage that you just can't ignore.

[andyg99]

I agree with the above posters. Get informed NOW, talk to that lawyer ASAP. She has checked out of the marriage, this whole "I need to see him to make a decision" is pure BS. Your biggest ally right now is your strength. I know it's hard now but you have to summon that strength from somewhere... think about your kids future and how they need a strong dad. She is counting on you to be weak so you agree to let her see hey guy and make her decision, she is counting on you to be weak to buy her more time. Time that she may need to get money to pay her own lawyer, of course she'll give you false hope now.

 

God, I know this is the hardest thing you have ever went through, many of us here know your pain all too well. Know one thing though - you can't trust ANYTHING she says. She is a liar and she will continue to lie to you. God bless you man and take care...

[Decimated]

I am posted this in your other thread ... infidelity section.

 

Mike, We my wife and I were married for 12 years with 3 children at that time. We enjoy a upper middle class life style with all of the trimmings. We had a good marriage and we were happy...or so I thought.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair 2 years ago. I found cell records showing texts and calls between them going back 3 months. She told me they were just friends. She wouldn’t admit to anything other then that. I was angry. I told her to never speak to him again or I will divorce her. She agreed and ended it. Like you I never thought my wife would do anything like this either. It was out of character for her, or at least the her that I knew.

 

That was in August 2009. We focused on each other and everything seemed to be fine after that. I thought I had just dodged a bullet. She seemed happy and I considered us reconciled. With in 3 months the EA she told me she ended turned into a PA. I didn’t find out until December 2010…it had been going on for a year! She had become such a skilled liar she was able to take it under ground for over a year before I began to realize what was going on.

 

As time went on I began to feel her distancing from me. I started digging again and discovered little bits and pieces of info…nothing conclusive. She admitted they were still friends and this time she admitted it was an EA only. I kept digging but I couldn’t find out anything. I gave her the same ultimatum as before… never speak to him again or I will divorce you. She began to drag her feet this time. Finally I went to see some attorneys. Only then did she start to comply with my demands. It still took months for her to stop contact. The GPS tracker I put on her car showed that they had met a couple times in parking lots during the day.

 

She was taking her sweet old time disconnecting from him and still lying about it. She finally did stop but it took months. Our recovery was going slow after that…she was morning the loss of him. Nothing sucks worse than watching your wife go through this. No one is morning for me and my pain! Out of frustration I contacted the OM’s wife to expose the OM.

 

It turns out she knew more than me. She sent me many months worth of messages between my wife and the OM….all in order. This was the most painful stuff I have ever read. It took days to get through it. It literally destroyed me inside. She had stopped contact by this point but now I knew the full extent of the truth. It was a full blown PA. My point is my wife would have taken her secret to her grave. She was so filled with shame and fear that I would leave her that she can hardly talk about it. My healing and our progress have been much better since that day but it has been pure hell.

 

I was too afraid to follow the advice from the folks on this board. Their advice was simple…file for divorce. Nothing wakes up a cheating spouse like a fresh set of divorce papers. You can still work on reconciliation in the mean time. AT least go and talk to a lawyer...make sure she knows you are going. You need to protect your self and your children. This will show her that you are serious. Bluffing will not work…trust me. I tried this. Her affair is like an addiction. You must come down on her like a ton of iron. Cheaters need to experience the consequences from their actions and an EA IS cheating. Given time and opportunity, it will become a PA. She needs to see what she will lose. Cheaters have to be broken…so to speak.

 

Not a day goes by when I didn’t wish I had just filled for divorce. I wish I would have done it at the beginning. She would have woke up to the consequences of her actions so much sooner. The emotional and physical toll is overwhelming…and deadly in the long run. I lost 13 lbs in the first month alone. Filing would have saved me 2 years of my life and her EA would have stopped at an EA…not a PA. You need to get to the point where you feel the anger (not violence) of her betrayal. She must not see a door mat when she looks at you. You shouldn't just settle for bring happy that she is still there with you...that is not nearly enough. Remember...talk is cheap and from her right now, it means nothing! She needs to learn a lesson. She must fear what you will do, and what could happen if she decides to fool you again. My wife was afraid that her family and our children would find out what she did. I told her if I divorce her I will tell them the truth. I will not take the blame for her failure in our marriage.

 

Look at it this way. If you file, she will know you are serious. This could be enough to get her out of the fog. If she stops her affair and totally recommits to your marriage, that’s good right? You can always stop the divorce process. If she doesn’t stop her affair then your marriage is over and you have your answer. Either way, you will have your answer. The sooner you move forward with her or move on without her…the better off you will be. Remember, you can’t stay where you are now.

 

The same goes for exposing their affair to his wife and family. Is he married? If he is married and his marriage breaks up as a result of your exposure, and your wife leaves to go with him…you will have your answer. If she stays with you…you will still have your answer. Oh, BTW, no more threats to the OM. that may fuel their relationship and could be used against you... legally.

 

Ask yourself: Do I want to spend the rest of your life wondering where she is, what she is doing, and with whom she is doing it with? You now know what she is capable of in terms of deception.

 

Please learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait for something to happen…make it happen! You must control the situation…not her. She has been bulling you around with her lies and deceit for long enough. Start doing a 180...work on your self. If you don't exercise, start...pump some iron. It is a great stress reliever. Transform yourself in the mean time. Spend time with your children. Let her start to see what she will be giving up. Remember to eat and sleep!

 

Good luck my friend. I feel your pain.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Decimated

[andyg99]

Filing would have saved me 2 years of my life and her EA would have stopped at an EA…not a PA. .

 

maybe, maybe not... remember you said she was a skilled liar... BTW, did you finally divorce her? I didn't see where you said you did... sorry you had to go through this, but we all recover, we all heal...

[Decimated]

maybe, maybe not... remember you said she was a skilled liar... BTW, did you finally divorce her? I didn't see where you said you did... sorry you had to go through this, but we all recover, we all heal...

 

We are still together and working on us. She is doing a lot to regain my trust. She still has great difficulty discussing her affair...I feel it is deep shame and embarrassment... also fear of me changing my mind about staying with her. Right now it is one day at a time.

 

I still think if I would have filed the first time she would have stopped immediately. Remember it was early in the EA at that time. The only thing that stopped her the second time was the going to see attorneys. If that worked on her in a PA, it would have worked on her in the early EA phase...i believe.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Decimated

[andyg99]

We are still together and working on us. She is doing a lot to regain my trust. She still has great difficulty discussing her affair...I feel it is deep shame and embarrassment... also fear of me changing my mind about staying with her. Right now it is one day at a time.

 

I still think if I would have filed the first time she would have stopped immediately. Remember it was early in the EA at that time. The only thing that stopped her the second time was the going to see attorneys. If that worked on her in a PA, it would have worked on her in the early EA phase...i believe.

 

don't worry about what you could have done to stop her, just look at the facts - she did have an affair; another fact is that you are both actively working on this... make those boundaries clear and good luck!

[Decimated]

don't worry about what you could have done to stop her, just look at the facts - she did have an affair; another fact is that you are both actively working on this... make those boundaries clear and good luck!

 

Thanks Andyg99,

When I look back at the last 9 months we really have come a long way. Her attitude towards me and us, her level of affection and intimacy, the time we spend together...everything is greatly different then before even the amount of work she does around the house is much better then before. She basically stopped doing anything for quite a while there. Her fear of talking about her affair is the only thing that holds me back. She has told me she feels such deep shame about what she did and who she became during her affair. Everyday seems to get better...it is a slow process. The movies in my head are tough but they seem to be dissipating with time. We are actively working together and moving forward and I am optimistic most days. Because of the level of betrayal, my finger is never far from the button. I don't tell her his...she knows. You are right, coulda, woulda, shoulda...water under the bridge.

 

I hope Mike has an easier time of it then I did.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Decimated

[Surfer203]

MaddMike and Decimated - both of your stories are so familiar to me. I could have been telling the stories. Decimated even in reconciliation my situation mirrors yours. It is so hard. Good luck all.