Djem Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Hi, I just stumbled across this great forum tonight, in search of internet advice/wisdom. I've never heard about GIGS before, but it seems to fit me somewhat well. I've been together with my GF for four years this fall (my first GF, her second BF), and we've had a great run. We've only had very minor fights a few times, everything is very easy, there's never any hassle. We have been friends since we were twelve, so we knew each other well when we got together. Over the last year and a half, I've experienced feelings that seem to fit GIGS. It's not that I don't love her, but I'd just really like to experience how it is to be with others. Although I've discussed it with a select few friends, I've never told her, because I'm too afraid of hurting her, and I would've felt like a d*ck. Also, I know a break up would devastate me as well as her, so I'm afraid. I've told her that I'm not interested in being together forever, and that we'll just have fun as long as it lasts, so I think she did have an idea of some of my feelings. Now, even during the course of this last year, we've had a great time - travelled a lot together and so on. And I can't imagine anyone better for me, I really can't. But still, things aren't as passionate as they once were, and I'd just really like to focus on getting social with my new univ. buddies and experience other relationships. Today started out as any other, we had a good time, discussing politics and other stuff. More and more, we get into talking about the relationship, and she tells me she's developed feelings similar to mine (Still, I'm quite sure her feelings are not quite at GIGS level). I confess the feelings I've had. And as we talk on, the mood changes from lighthearted and almost funny to very sad. At one point we were set on breaking up. We ended up agreeing to take it slow and think this over, not make any rushed decisions. So now I'm kind of panicking, as I've always suspected I would be when this day came, even though I'm aware I've also wanted this for some time. I'm thinking of all the great things we had, and still have, and would have had for a long time to come, how there's no real reasons for breaking up. I'm reading about these serious issues other couples have, like abusing, controlling or otherwise flawed partners. We have no issues at all, and it all feels so stupid, but at the same time right. I'm torn between my still very deep, loving feelings for her, and my desire for "freedom", in lack of a better word. I'm also afraid of losing what I feel is my perfect match, wasting it away in search of this "freedom". And we've both admitted it would be very hard to stay away from each other after a breakup, and not only because of our mutual gang of friends. All that said, I feel that breaking up in this way is a very good way to do it, and it feels very mutual and fair. None of us feel any guilt, to my knowledge. I've read many accounts from people on the receiving end of GIGS, but have anyone experienced something similar to me? And for anyone wanting to comment, do you have any advice for me? Anything is helpful right now.
wilsonx Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 As long as you tell her the truth and dont put the fault on her, i see nothing wrong with this. Be honest with her At the same time when you terminate the relationship, the friendship has to go to, you can't have your cake and eat it to. You have to let her go and give her a chance to heal and grow on her own
leoc1973 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 As someone who is on the receiving end of gigs I think that you do not love her. I have been in love and when you are you don't think about anyone else. I am gonna tell you exactly what is gonna happen here. You are gonna break up with her. Put her through the hell of being betrayed and broken hearted. She will probably beg and cry and you will feel "confused". You will get to the point where you don't want her even around you. Then she will meet someone new you will freak out and go to get her back. One of 2 things will happen. She will take you back or and this is what I hope does happen she will tell you to take a hike. Then you will start reading all the how do I win my ex back stuff and I really hope she is strong enough to stay away from you cause you took her for granted. This has happened to me 3 times in my life and I told my ex where to go every time. I am on time number 4 now and I am finally getting to the point where she is losing me forever I hope she waits a few more weeks so I can tell her where to go too. These are real people that some of you dumpers are playing with and there is no pain like being dumped by someone you love... none. If you are doing this just so you can test drive a few other girls then you aren't ready for a big person relationship. Get over yourself take a look at her and picture another guy on top of her. Cause it WILL happen. Just my 2 cents
LelouchIsZero Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Leoc1973, it doesn't really seem like you've read what he has posted. @Djem, its good that the two of you have managed to discuss your feelings & remain honest with each other. I think it'd be beneficial if you asked yourself why you want to experience "how it is to be with others" & what you're actually going to gain by doing so. Four years is a long time, so I really don't think things would remain as passionate, as they once were. Perhaps you should try work on said issue, or maybe take a 'break' & see how the both of you feel. I just have a feeling that 1 of you is going to regret it, while the other will be content -- which will lead to someone being hurt for a long time.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 My Advice?: Grow Up. How?: Unfortunately you'll probably have to take the hard road and follow through. Emotional Immaturity is becoming way to common these days. Leoc1973, it doesn't really seem like you've read what he has posted. I agree, but good advice and stuff to think about.
wilsonx Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Leoc posted a fair interpretation on his experience with GIGS. I can relate to exactly what he posted but Djem has openly said that this wasn't going to be a lasting relationship. And he set his personal boundary down early on in the relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In the end both will be hurt. How the people move forward from the hurt will make them better people down the road. It is a part of life. Now as far as Leoc's posting, he got the manipulative side from the emotionally immature ex with GIGS that doesnt know what she wants so she uses people over and over again until they finally say no and stand up for themselves. These are the damaged good one's probably, don't know his story or his ex's story but I can take a guess, its really close.
Author Djem Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 As some of you pointed out or implied, I have considered that I might not be emotionally mature, that's the only reason I could find for having feelings like these. But even so, breaking up is still very hard, I don't like to think about not being with her. As for the reasons I "want to experience being with other people", I just want to experience actually having a relationship with another person. Some of you might think I want to have one-night-stands and sleep around, but that's really not the reason. That idea sickens me. I just want to see if there are people that fit me better or almost as good, but I actually don't believe there are. And that is why this is confusing for me, because it all seems ridiculous when I think about it. But thanks for the advice, it's nice to pour out your troubles and having understanding people respond!
LelouchIsZero Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Just going to quickly add that the idea of trying to find someone who fits you better is a bit silly, as really there are tonnes of people out of your relationship that could be "better" for you, in comparison to your girlfriend. I obviously don't have indepth knowledge about your relationship, so I don't really know how different the two of you are, but yeah. Each to their own though & I hope things work out for you & your girlfriend/possibly soon to be ex.
wilsonx Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 As some of you pointed out or implied, I have considered that I might not be emotionally mature, that's the only reason I could find for having feelings like these. But even so, breaking up is still very hard, I don't like to think about not being with her. As for the reasons I "want to experience being with other people", I just want to experience actually having a relationship with another person. Some of you might think I want to have one-night-stands and sleep around, but that's really not the reason. That idea sickens me. I just want to see if there are people that fit me better or almost as good, but I actually don't believe there are. And that is why this is confusing for me, because it all seems ridiculous when I think about it. But thanks for the advice, it's nice to pour out your troubles and having understanding people respond! I think all your actions, setting boundaries, seeking advice, listening to others, wanting to experience the world is perfectly healthy and emotionally mature
PositiveNegative Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 My GF of 1 1/2 years just ended our relationship due to feelings similar to yours. I was on the receiving end and at the moment she was doing it I felt that she was just gambling on losing this amazing relationship based on confusion, we had no "real reason" to break up so I couldn't understand it. After talking to friends and family over the situation I started to realize that this is a perfectly healthy and normal feeling. I am her first love and even though things are really great right now she needs to know, by having time to herself, that I am truly right for her. I was her first love and she deserves the right to go and try and see what other men are like. I have accepted this now and have faith in a potential time when we would be back together. In the meantime I will take this time to also find if she was as good as she seemed. We both promised each other that we would ask each other back if, after looking for other companions, we found that there was no comparison. You are definitely doing the right thing. If after sometime you feel like she is still amazing then you can attempt to go back to her since there the relationship ended on a good note. If she has moved on then you have done her a favor and let her find her happiness.
TheCakeIsALie Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Djem, I feel that I am in a similar situation as you but on the receiving end of it. Please be upfront about your intentions when and if you decide to break up with your significant other. There is nothing more hurtful than a bunch of lies at the end of the relationship as that will not create at chance for closure for the dumpee. I was with my significant other for just over 9 years and out of the blue he decided to up and go and wanted to find a new life. No explanations given, no chance to talk it over, just, want to be friends only. Please dont offer the friend option until she has fully healed. This statement might make it feel like you're dragging her through And stringing her along as a back up plan. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but the receiving end of this, it's not very pleasant. I still dearly love him and an very confused as to how he could change his mind on such important issues about our futures. Perhaps suggest a break. BUT set very firm guidelines and time frame. But you both have to follow them and cannot get upset about what each of you do during that time. that way you can both explore the opportunity cost of your long term relationship. But if you decide to go on a break, don't leave her hanging even if you have found a better fit for your life. I hope you make the right decision for you.
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