Isn't FIVE YEARS too long to still be pining for her?

[fallenheart]

Hello. This is my first post. I tend to write way too much, so I'll try to keep my story short and go easy on the melodrama.

 

I was with the girl I considered to be the love of my life for a little less than two years. The first year was AWESOME. Probably the greatest year of my life. I had never been so happy so consistently, and I haven't since.

 

Things started to change after that though. She started to change. She got a little distant and a lot more selfish and more focused on what SHE wanted instead of what WE wanted.

 

And then one night she ended it. I knew things weren't great between us, but it was still a hell of a shock. Unlike any other ex before, she cut me off completely. Said thanks for the memories, so long, have a nice life. Just like that. I tried to put on a brave face, but it ate away at me inside.

 

I've never wanted to spend my life with anyone else. I wanted to have kids with her and everything. To this day I still can't imagine having kids with anyone else.

 

People always ask me why I never joined facebook. I must be the only person in the world that hasn't. I always say I think it's silly and I refuse, but the real reason is, I've always been deathly afraid of seeing pics of her or status updates about how happy she is now. So I never joined and I kept myself in the dark. FIVE YEARS. Five years since that day she left and never looked back and I never had a clue what happened to her.

 

Until now.

 

A few nights ago, I was drunk and feeling melancholy, and despite my better judgment, typed her name into google. I don't know why I finally did it...maybe I thought enough time had passed? What a mistake.

 

First thing that came up was a photo album of her wedding pictures. She got married. THREE YEARS AGO. She met another guy and married him. Just like that, all the pathetic dreams I'd ever had of ever seeing her again were wiped out. It just killed me to see them. She looked as beautiful as ever...in a wedding dress. Smiling with her husband. Not me. It felt like a icy blade right to the gut. Even after all this time.

 

So what the hell is wrong with me? I wonder if it would have been better if I'd known all along. Cause I found some comfort in the idea that maybe she was still single out there....now I know that was a stupid thing to believe in. In fact, most likely, she had the guy lined up already before she left me. Isn't that how women usually do it, statistically? Wait until they have a better replacement lined up before breaking things off?

 

There is more to the story though. Not about her....about ME. I haven't been single this whole time either. I've been dating a girl for the last two years....in fact, I've been with longer than the one I'm so upset about!! But my past relationship failures have really haunted me and have clouded just about everything in my current relationship.

 

I find I simply can't trust her. I'm constantly worried she is cheating, or lying to me, or going out with other guys behind my back. Looking for better marriage material? She's never really done anything to warrant such suspicions, other than being lousy about returning my texts in a timely manner. I suppose I'll make another thread about her, cause it's a different problem. But I've been extremely guarded the entire two years I've been with her cause I'm expecting her to be like all the other women in my life and eventually leave me.

 

As for the "dream girl"....it's pathetic. I know it is. I had dreams about her all the time where she said she missed me and wanted me back and I'd wake up and be so let down that it wasn't true. And I had these dreams ALL THE TIME.....they only stopped about 6 months ago.

 

And now I just found out that she's been married the whole time. It shouldn't matter...she left me already....so why does this HURT so much??

 

Isn't this a long time to still be feeling lovesick over someone that made it clear they don't want me?? Am I some kind of obsessive psychotic or something?

 

I have a girlfriend now, but my feelings about her have always been clouded and influenced by the memories of this other girl...that's not fair right?

 

Anyway....now I'm rambling. I have no idea if any of you will have any kind of sympathy for me and have any kind of advice. But I do NOT want to think about this girl any more. I want to let her go forever. She's gone. FOREVER. So how can I drill that idea into my head?

 

Sorry I sound so weak and pathetic.....it just really really hurt to see her happily married to NOT me. I just hate the rejection. Just hate that I always considered her so special and I didn't mean anything to her in the end....I need to know how to accept that complete and total rejection somehow.

 

Sorry again. And thanks for reading.

[Nohbody]

The person you are pining for isn't real. It's something you've created in your head and you have idealized above and beyond the realm of any reality. We are all troubled by 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens' from time to time - that's normal.

 

You may want to talk to the person you are with now, if you think it's really a problem, and explain this. She'll be hurt, but if she really cares about you she will want to help you. If this is causing a lot of distress, consider talking to a counselor or a trusted family member about it.

 

But I guarantee this girl you were with so long ago and the person you long for now are two different beasts entirely. Let go.

[Zaphod B]

Well you don't have to feel like you're alone. I've been on this site a month now and there are many people that are in a similar position to you. I am too. It was a year and a half ago and I broke up with my dream girl. We'd been together only a month. She just cut me off too, just like that! No closure. That's what makes it even harder. And for me it was a break up over something she thought I'd done that I HADN'T done and that made it even worse. I lamented over her every day for a year and even now I think about her regularly and pine for what might have been. It is getting gradually easier. I can certainly identify with feelings pathetic and weak, I can tell you that!

 

The thing is when we meet these people we tend to put them up on a pedistal, we idealise them and make them out to be more than what they actually were. We want to hold on to hope, no matter how faint it may seem. We don't want to let go, because if we let go then the dream dies and we don't want the dream to die. So we keep hanging out hoping that maybe, just maybe there'll be a miracle and she'll/he'll come back to us.

 

I can fully understand your situation. Seeing those photographs. Even now I'll head into town and I'll pass by places me and my ex went to. I dread seeing her there with another guy. It's seems silly, it really does, but I guess it's just human nature, especially when you want to hold onto a dream.

 

But that's all it is and you've realised that. Such a pity you never got closure, but hopefully now you can move on and put those dreams to rest. She's gone and she ain't coming back.

[fallenheart]

Yeah, those are excellent points! Thanks for the quick replies.

 

I remember having to convince myself of that idea after about a year....that she was no longer the girl I knew. That if I DID run into her on the street, she'd be a stranger now, cause our lives went in completely different directions. That brief moment we had together is gone and we are BOTH different people now. Funny how the head accepts that as true, but the heart just cries "NOOOO!!!" Ah. Denial.

 

I guess the fact that she still looked the SAME in those damn wedding pics was what really killed me. Hasn't aged a day. Looks like she does in all the old pics I have of us together, and how she looks in my stupid dreams. But seeing her that happy with some dude....no way...that just freaking KILLS me. And he's NOT just "some dude"....that's her HUSBAND! I am the one that's just SOME DUDE now......argh.

 

Closure. Never got it. Never really understood it. I never felt the need for it when I break up with a girl. I never lost any sleep over being the dumper. But the dumpee? We say we want "closure" but I really think what that means is we want to have not been dumped. We want to change history. We want to still matter and be important to her. We want to not have been REJECTED.

 

One theory I have is that if I let go of that pining, sad feeling it's somehow going to invalidate all the happy and wonderful times I had with her. I feel like I have to somehow keep that alive. Like it wasn't real if I don't continue to FEEL something. Cause it wasn't real or important to her cause she left me and married someone else.

 

One of my friends tried to slap me with reality once ...he looked me in the face and said SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. And it made sense. If she liked me we would have been together. But we are NOT. She doesn't like me. But I refused to accept it. I was sure she would still have some buried feelings lingering for me, since I did for her.

 

But the girls I broke up with....I didn't have any lingering feelings. I felt nothing. I was glad to be free of the burden they were placing on my life. And that's how she must have felt when she got rid of me.

 

She sure looked happy on her wedding day. She sure didn't have any lingering feelings hidden deep inside. I guess I just hate the feeling of being forgotten and being unimportant and most of all being rejected.

 

REJECTED. I'm not good enough. I was never good enough. I never will be good enough. How can I accept that total rejection of everything I am? How can I ever feel like a good person when the one girl I loved the most rejected me completely?

 

As for my current gf....like I said...we have some issues but that's another story I should probably post about in another thread. But I didn't tell her about how much I loved this other girl and I didn't tell her about my discovery this weekend. I know it's not fair, but I've been comparing the two of them for years....matching my current GF against my "memories" of the ex.

 

Maybe if I can completely let go of the "idea" of my ex, it will give me a better perspective on my current relationship.

 

Again, thanks for the quick replies...I appreciate it. Don't wanna burden anyone in real life with these problems so this forum is awesome!

 

But yeah....I miss the idealized memories I have of her.....I honestly can't really remember the real person that well...it's been a long time. I do remember thinking she was gonna end up just like her mother and that wasn't a good thing...she did get a nasty selfish streak towards the end.....I need to convince myself that I dodged a bullet there....

[Nohbody]

Someone should make a 5-star thread dedicated to closure. And the fact that NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE THAT TO YOU, IT COMES FROM WITHIN. I hate caps lock commandos, but I will join the ranks this once.

[Zaphod B]

Totally understand all those thoughts fallenheart and you are spot on.

 

You've got the problem I have too and that was set a benchmark in your mind when it came to this woman. You look for someone who can add up to her standards and compare all women to her. That's been a biggy with me and I'm forever comparing. I keep looking for that special someone to knock her off her pedistal. Have come close a few times... it would have happened, but unfortunately things didn't quite work out for me those times.