wannabdone Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You go girl! Now as others have mentioned he will most likely try to manipulate you with lies and half truths. You need to be prepared and expect it. I'm afraid that you will be left with feeling confused, one part of you wanting to believe him and the other part of you knowing deep inside that he did a horrible thing to you by lying to you for 6 months. The key is not to keep believing in the deception. Keep in mind that he is a practiced and very good liar, remember he kept you in the dark for a long time so you already know he is good at it. Also, if you get weak don't be afraid to come back here and say you did because sometimes it's a process and people will still support you although sometimes advice is seen as harsh. Spot on!!! Just remember to not hear what he says.... ONLY go off his actions. Words mean nothing. I can sit here and tell you anything you want to hear, anyone could. People who LOVE us seperate themselves by their actions.
cavedweller Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 rhyme, I can't believe that you have fell in love with this man. He has treated you like dirt. Call him up, tell him to go to helll, go 100% NC and move on with your life. Don't waste any more of your time with him.
RainDown Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 This is a face to face conversation I want to have. I want to see his eyes and how his face and body reacts to everything I want to ask or say. And I don't want to call him and say "I need to talk to you," I kind of want to surprise him. So he doesn't have time to practice what he's gonna say to me. I admit, I am afraid, I am scared. But I also have to know or it will drive me crazy. It's an issue now because I've fallen in love with him. When I wasn't before, it was different. I didn't care that I was the OW. I know it sounds bad that I love someone who lied to me about something huge but so much of everything else is perfect. But I need everything to be perfect. We all know what he's going to say. He wishes he had met you first. He made a mistake by getting married so young and to the wrong person. Then he met you and was too afraid to tell you he was married because he thought you were special and he was afraid you'd walk away. He loves you, but he can't leave his wife "right now" because <insert various reasons>. He's trying to get it all sorted out in head; he doesn't want to hurt anybody; he's confused; he doesn't know what to do, but most of all he doesn't want to lose you and he wants you to wait while he figures it all out. That is what he's going to say. The "truth" is actually something more like this: His wife was special when they met. Special enough, in fact, that he married her. At first, it was great. Of course they had their ups and downs like everyone else, but all in all the first couple years were cool. Then she got pregnant, the baby came, it all got complicated, he didn't get as much attention as he used to, his wife spends her time taking care of the baby, and it's just not so much fun anymore. Then he meets this sweet girl who pays attention to him, makes him feel special again, love is fun again, sex is great again, he doesn't have to share her attention with a baby and real life obligations and such. She makes no demands on him at all; she gives him everything his wife used to at the beginning without all that commitment and responsibility stuff. I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't matter what he says when you have your talk with him. Whatever he tells you will be designed to serve him and his needs. He showed you that from the beginning when he withheld the information that he was married in the first place. He will give you the information necessary to keep you where you are, nothing more, nothing less. You seem like such a sweet girl and it makes me sad to see you manipulated by this selfish man. I'm sad for his wife as well because she is forever tied to him now as the father of her child and this is not going to work out well for either her or the child. This man is not "perfect". He is behaving in ways that are selfish, reckless, irresponsible and cruel. Good luck to you. I hope you'll move on to something healthier.
Woman In Blue Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I guess a little bit of our history is that I didn't know for the first 6 months that he was married. I actually had to ask the question myself because I had spotted a couple subtle clues. And by the time I found out, my feelings were already very strong and I didn't want to give him up. He was so sorry for putting me through it and I believe him. Alright, I'm not trying to be harsh here but this question BEGS to be asked. Do you nave NO pride, NO self worth, NO self esteem and NO dignity? What do you think that says about you that you're willing to continue being with a known lying piece of CRAP who conned you from day ONE??? What it tells ME is that you have zero pride and you're so desperate to have someone in your life that you're willing to be treated with complete and utter disrespect just to HAVE that "someone." And that "SOMEONE" is a married, cheating, lying CON MAN. There's really nothing that anyone here can post that's going to make an impression on you. If a lying con man taking you for a RIDE didn't make you snap out of it, no one here is going to be able to. Good luck. You'll need it.
Woman In Blue Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) When you chose to forgive his lie about being married, what did you envision happening ? Did you think he would declare his "love" for you and tell you he was leaving? And when that didn't happen, what did you think? You have been having an affair for a year and you never talked future with him?? Unfortunately, all it taught this lying piece of trash is that she's willing to disrespect herself in any way possible to keep his worthless ass in her life. He knows he can pretty much do anything he wants and she'll stick around. Damn, what happened in your life that you're willing to sink to this level for such a complete dirtbag, Rhyme? ETA: If you think he wants to CHANGE his current situation, you're going to be waiting a GOOD, LONG TIME waiting for this loser. Your purpose is to ENHANCE his worthless life, not change it. And that's all he WANTS you to do. But hey, if you want a prize like this and hope he leaves his wife for you - and he DOES, don't be surprised when you're back here crying in 2 or 3 years because he victimized yet ANOTHER girl with no self-worth and no self-esteem - just like he did to you. Edited September 5, 2011 by Woman In Blue
Gentlegirl Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Look carefully at all the wonderul advice and support you have been given. If you want it without the frills... Look at Bent Butnot Broken. She tells it like it really is. I like her posts because she strips everything to the bare bones. You are being lied to and put on the back burner. Please get your head together and realise that this man is a player who lied to you about his marital status for a very long time. He's not likey to tell you the truth. Gentlegirl
Severely Unamused Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 You've played TWEWY? Anyway, I think that everybody else has said what has needed to be said far more eloquently than I could. You seem like a tough girl. Show him what you've got.
TurboGirl Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!! I feel empowered to take back the power and demand answers. I don't deserve to be treated like this, I should be someone's one and only. I don't know exactly when I will have the chance to talk to him about this but I am going to take the chance the next time an opportunity presents itself. You guys are awesome. I am awesome. And I don't deserve any pain. Rhyme, He might be a total absolute jerk to you in person...be prepared... OR he will come up with some BS (see above posts!) and beg you to wait for him. Oh, and while you are waiting, of course you would continue to see him and have sex with him. Naturally. Don't wait on this. No reason to accept crumbs from this MM.
Lucky_One Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 We all know what he's going to say. He wishes he had met you first. He made a mistake by getting married so young and to the wrong person. Then he met you and was too afraid to tell you he was married because he thought you were special and he was afraid you'd walk away. He loves you, but he can't leave his wife "right now" because <insert various reasons>. He's trying to get it all sorted out in head; he doesn't want to hurt anybody; he's confused; he doesn't know what to do, but most of all he doesn't want to lose you and he wants you to wait while he figures it all out. That is what he's going to say. The "truth" is actually something more like this: His wife was special when they met. Special enough, in fact, that he married her. At first, it was great. Of course they had their ups and downs like everyone else, but all in all the first couple years were cool. Then she got pregnant, the baby came, it all got complicated, he didn't get as much attention as he used to, his wife spends her time taking care of the baby, and it's just not so much fun anymore. Then he meets this sweet girl who pays attention to him, makes him feel special again, love is fun again, sex is great again, he doesn't have to share her attention with a baby and real life obligations and such. She makes no demands on him at all; she gives him everything his wife used to at the beginning without all that commitment and responsibility stuff. I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't matter what he says when you have your talk with him. Whatever he tells you will be designed to serve him and his needs. He showed you that from the beginning when he withheld the information that he was married in the first place. He will give you the information necessary to keep you where you are, nothing more, nothing less. You seem like such a sweet girl and it makes me sad to see you manipulated by this selfish man. I'm sad for his wife as well because she is forever tied to him now as the father of her child and this is not going to work out well for either her or the child. This man is not "perfect". He is behaving in ways that are selfish, reckless, irresponsible and cruel. Good luck to you. I hope you'll move on to something healthier. Brilliant post. And dead on for predicting the future. One point I would like to add to this - it is a crappy man who lies for 6 months about being married and having a wife waiting dinner on him at home. And it is a 200# bag of 3 day old dog sh*t who pretends to be a man who denies the existence of a child for 6 months. And you just wait - the child who had zero unimportance in his father's life so that he/she didn't even warrant a mention about dad's excitement when child rode his first grown-up tricycle will amazingly become the child that Dad can't bear to be away from and can't bear to not tuck in every night and see every morning for breakfast.
wannabdone Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Brilliant post. And dead on for predicting the future. One point I would like to add to this - it is a crappy man who lies for 6 months about being married and having a wife waiting dinner on him at home. And it is a 200# bag of 3 day old dog sh*t who pretends to be a man who denies the existence of a child for 6 months. And you just wait - the child who had zero unimportance in his father's life so that he/she didn't even warrant a mention about dad's excitement when child rode his first grown-up tricycle will amazingly become the child that Dad can't bear to be away from and can't bear to not tuck in every night and see every morning for breakfast. Bing-Freaking-O!!!!!!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Bing-Freaking-O!!!!!!!!!! x 1000000000! And it is a 200# bag of 3 day old dog sh*t who pretends to be a man Love it. Gonna use this line one day.
wannabdone Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 This is a face to face conversation I want to have. I want to see his eyes and how his face and body reacts to everything I want to ask or say. And I don't want to call him and say "I need to talk to you," I kind of want to surprise him. So he doesn't have time to practice what he's gonna say to me. I admit, I am afraid, I am scared. But I also have to know or it will drive me crazy. It's an issue now because I've fallen in love with him. When I wasn't before, it was different. I didn't care that I was the OW. I know it sounds bad that I love someone who lied to me about something huge but so much of everything else is perfect. But I need everything to be perfect. Darling, I hate to tell you, but with Narcassists, they don't need time to practice, they can do things off the cuff. This is what makes them seem so damn sincere and are able to get victims in line. Something, I didn't see and maybe i'm over looking it.... how did you find out he was married? I did see you said he said he was sorry, and you believe him, I by no means thing it was just one conversation of him saying sorry and that was it.... or at least I hope not. What all did his apology and conversations over this entail? Did you stop seeing him for a while? Just wanted to get the back ground of that. And sweetie, I have to agree with who ever posted, you have set the presidence, that you will accept this behavior now. He thinks he say what he wants, and you will stay put. I have said this a million times in my posts, and have probably already said this in this post.... but I don't care. You need to repeat this to your self over and over again. ACTIONS, NOT WORDS......ACTIONS, NOT WORDS.....ACTIONS, NOT WORDS. Anybody can say, I love you, you are my world, blah, blah, blah. Hell, I can tell you that right now. HOWEVER, the way people seperate them selves from the bull ****ters, and actually show themselves as the people who truly love you, is actions. Don't listen to one more word he has to say.....NOT ONE. His words mean absolutely nothing. ONLY "LISTEN" TO HIS ACTIONS. If he really loves you, it will be very clear. When a man truly loves a woman, he shows it. EVERYONE CAN SEE IT. And when he doesn't, he shows its, and everyone can see it. Its just us, that want to spin it and make it into they love us as much as we love them that makes us see things differently. Called projection... we all do it. And projection doesn't have to always be projecting negative.... we can project positive. I for years projected my love I had for my MM onto him, and made myself think he loved me the same (this is another line, I've used a million times in my posts, so if i'm repeating, my apologies.) But I think those are two huge points. Point #1: STOP PROJECTING YOUR FEELINGS ONTO THIS MAN, AND SEEING HIM THAT HE LOVES YOU LIKE YOU LOVE HIM. Point #2: STOP LISTENING TO HIS WORDS AND TAKING THEM AS BIBLE. ONLY "LISTEN" TO HIS ACTIONS, AND YOU WILL VERY CLEARLY SEE WHAT THE TRUTH IS. That is why everyone is saying what they are saying. Not to be harsh, but they don't have all this other garbarge that comes along with these sick R, they only see if for what it really is. I'm sorry, its hard, I wish I could tell you, No he loves you, he is just really misunderstood. But, unless I am missing something here.... I just have to say, hes full of ****, and if you keep holding on to him and seeing what is really not there, your going to go down like the titanic. Remember, you can put lipstick on a pig, but its still a pig. He can spew out the most beautiful words you have probably ever heard and call you his queen, but hes treating you like a servant, and those beautiful words don't mean crap. When is this "talk" going down???
phillyfan Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I have been seeing my MM for a year, and I have fallen in love. I know he feels the same way, and this has been a difficult situation for the both of us. My burning question for him is: what can I expect, or not expect, to happen? Meaning more specifically, if he is going to leave his wife or not. I guess a little bit of our history is that I didn't know for the first 6 months that he was married. I actually had to ask the question myself because I had spotted a couple subtle clues. And by the time I found out, my feelings were already very strong and I didn't want to give him up. He was so sorry for putting me through it and I believe him. I feel like now is not the right time because it's only been a year, but I just need some advice and some suggestions maybe. Please help. Dude there ain't no rite or wrong time to ask, just ask. But why u askin really? He's made it clear, u shunt expect nothin, u just gotta be happy with what u got now. U cud only expect more if he told u already that u shud expect big things. If he ain't been sayin nothin then theres ur answer. Dudes r pretty simple like that.
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!! I feel empowered to take back the power and demand answers. I don't deserve to be treated like this, I should be someone's one and only. I don't know exactly when I will have the chance to talk to him about this but I am going to take the chance the next time an opportunity presents itself. You guys are awesome. I am awesome. And I don't deserve any pain. But actually you DO deserve to be treated the way you are, because when you found out that he was married and had lied to you about his marital status for 6 whole months, you made the CHOICE to remain with him. You should have been so disgusted that you'd been lied to like that that you would have lost all feelings and respect for him. If anyone doesn't deserve pain, it's his poor WIFE. She is the one in this picture who has not been given a choice whereas YOU and HE have had all of the choices. Imagine how you would feel if you were the wife in this situation? And seriously, HOW can you not know that someone you're dating is married? There couldn't have been less than a dozen 'red flags' right from the start. Obviously he never invited you to his home during those 6 months; you didn't think that was ODD? Surely you weren't able to phone him at his home number whenever you wanted, you didn't find that strange? Surely there were many evenings and weekends that you weren't able to spend time with him and he was "always busy" - and that didn't make you wonder? Edited September 6, 2011 by country_gurl
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