rhyme Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I have been seeing my MM for a year, and I have fallen in love. I know he feels the same way, and this has been a difficult situation for the both of us. My burning question for him is: what can I expect, or not expect, to happen? Meaning more specifically, if he is going to leave his wife or not. I guess a little bit of our history is that I didn't know for the first 6 months that he was married. I actually had to ask the question myself because I had spotted a couple subtle clues. And by the time I found out, my feelings were already very strong and I didn't want to give him up. He was so sorry for putting me through it and I believe him. I feel like now is not the right time because it's only been a year, but I just need some advice and some suggestions maybe. Please help.
Seraph1 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I guess a little bit of our history is that I didn't know for the first 6 months that he was married. I actually had to ask the question myself because I had spotted a couple subtle clues. And by the time I found out, my feelings were already very strong and I didn't want to give him up. He was so sorry for putting me through it and I believe him. I was in the same boat. I didn't know that the ex was a MM. However, it took me until 10 months in to find out! My feelings were very strong too...but I walked away because he had lied to me about such a big thing. Essentially, he 'cheated' me out of my time and emotion under false pretenses. I'm sorry to say this but if you are a year into the relationship and he hasn't even mentioned leaving his wife and you haven't even discussed it... I think that you are in for a rude shock. I hope that this isn't the case but I feel that if he loved you and wanted to be with you...he would have at least discussed something like this with you. If you have never even raised it with him he may even feel like you are happy in the role of OW. You are clearly unhappy and you say that he is sorry for putting you through this... but what is he doing to get you out of this situation? Please think carefully about this. I believe that it is time for you to lay your cards on the table in the knowledge that he may not leave his wife and you will hear things that you never wanted to hear. You will find a lot of support on LS...but only you have the power to make your choices and stick to them. I wish you the best of luck.
Author rhyme Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 If you have never even raised it with him he may even feel like you are happy in the role of OW. That's something I'm afraid of, I hope he doesn't think I'm happy in that role. And I know if I do ask the question I may hear something that I don't want to. How do I phrase the question when I do ask it? Thank you, this forum is very understanding and helpful.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 That's something I'm afraid of, I hope he doesn't think I'm happy in that role. And I know if I do ask the question I may hear something that I don't want to. How do I phrase the question when I do ask it? Thank you, this forum is very understanding and helpful. You tell him how you feel and why, that you don't intend on being second fiddle in his life, you are unhappy about being the OW, that you love him but don't plan on sticking around if he doesn't divorce his wife. Though, with that said, here's a guy who KNOWINGLY LIED to you for 6 months. Allowed you to fall for him, then didn't tell you he was married until you picked up on clues that he was. What kind of person does that? Also, need to ask, six months isn't that long, so what made you choose to continue with him, instead of ending things and telling him to piss off, get out of your life for LYING to you about his marital status? Do they have children? How long has he been married? Are you two close in age or is there an age gap?
Seraph1 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 That's something I'm afraid of, I hope he doesn't think I'm happy in that role. And I know if I do ask the question I may hear something that I don't want to. How do I phrase the question when I do ask it? You will need to be honest with him about your feelings and expectations. Since you haven't been honest with your expectations in the past I think that it is likely you are going to get a defensive response from him. At this stage you haven't complained about being the OW so he is unlikely to enjoy being told that you don't like being the OW and want him to leave his wife to be with you. It's a tough place to be but I think that if you do ask him this YOU need to be prepared to walk away if he doesn't start making a move to leave his wife to be with you. Do you still want to be the OW a year from now? No matter how much you love him... you deserve more than being given the scraps from ANOTHER WOMAN'S table. I can tell you are scared that you will lose him if you pressure him for more...but rhyme... right now all he is offering you is breadcrumbs, lies and a relationship that meets none of your needs for stability and commitment. Tell him what you want and let him know that you hope he will work with you to achieve a future together. If he isn't prepared to do that...let him know that you will not be staying and then take back your power and walk away. If he really loves you, he will get his life in order and then come and find you.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 And I know if I do ask the question I may hear something that I don't want to. Don't you want to know? I mean, if he is totally fine by staying married and having you as his OW on the side, what then? Be honest and don't put up with excuses as to 'why he can't leave'.. Let his actions (not words) show you what he's truly about.. Hate to say it, but so far his track record isn't very good. If you hadn't asked him about him being married, would he have told you on his own? Something to consider.. Also, please don't believe all that he tells you..You know he's lied to you and you know he's lying and deceiving his wife as well. MM LIE! And that's a fact.
cavedweller Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 rhyme, You were with him for 6 months before he told you that he was married?--I hate to break this to you , but, he is not going to leave his wife.
Author rhyme Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Also, need to ask, six months isn't that long, so what made you choose to continue with him, instead of ending things and telling him to piss off, get out of your life for LYING to you about his marital status? Do they have children? How long has he been married? Are you two close in age or is there an age gap? I guess I didn't leave him because I knew about the status of his marriage, that they aren't faring too well right now and maybe that gave me hope that he would leave her. They have a young daughter, and I think they've been married a few years. We are both in our mid 20's and he's 3 years older than me. One day a couple months ago I did cry to him about how much it hurt that he's married. He told me that he knows I've been very patient with him, and that he hopes I'll be patient a little longer. He's said he doesn't want me to go anywhere... I'm so confused. I am the happiest, yet saddest, I've ever been. I've never been in a situation like this.
Author rhyme Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 You guys are right. I just need to ask and save myself from the burden of worry and confusion. It may take me some time to muster up the courage but I've got to do it.
wannabdone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Rhyme.... First off let me say how sorry I am for you and your situation. Having been in a very long R with a MM, I know how hard it is, let alone when the very foundation of you feelings for him were built on a lie. I did not personally go through that, but I can't imagine how much harder it must make it. I agree with what everyone else is saying. Unfortunately, He did lie to you for a very long time. 6 months is NO laughing matter, its not 6 days, its a half of a year to allow a person to think something else that isn't true. Also, if he hasn't brought this up as to when he is leaving or how, etc. I don't think he is going to. And quite frankly, I don't want to be rude when I say this, so please don't let it hurt your feelings..... he sounds like a huge coward. A coward who couldn't pony up and tell you he was a married man, with a child, a coward who can't tell you how he is going to leave her and when, etc. He's making you do it???? Come on. Really ask yourself.... Is this the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with??? Do I want him to be my H, my protector, my best friend, the father of my children??? A man, who can not be honest, a man who can not take the intentitive to tackle issues, and allows me to tackle them. I would be cautious to as to what his reply will be when you bring this up. I will bet you it will be he is leaving, he's been thinking about it for a while, and trying to figure out when. Its just that their child is young, finances are tight, wife is crazy, etc. etc. He doesn't seem to "johnny on the spot" for telling you the truth, only what you want to hear. I know you love him, and I fully understand how hard the thought of walking away from someone you love is. You think its the love of your life and you shouldn't just throw it away without giving him a chance. But honestly you have give him a chance, a year worth of them. Just please do this..... listen to what he says. And do not base ANYTHING you do on his words. Base your decision solely on what his actions are. that will provide you a much clearier path of what you should do. So far, his actions are he is not leaving. Please keep posting. Get your support here. I was once in your spot, finding myself a OW in my 20's, and I bought every time he gave me one more excuse. Now, I am just trying to get out of it, and have been in NC for 19 days. My 20's have come and gone, and guess what.... so have my 30's. A decade of buying his lines and excuses and not looking and listening to his actions. The financial, emotional, and physical toll it has taken on me is great. And after over a decade.... I found myself in the same spot I was when it started..... being lied to, not being with him, hurt and sad. Just now, a lot more time invested and a lot older. Please do not throw away what should be the best time of your life, waiting on someone who can not be honest or faithful to you. I don't want to see you pass up so many Mr. Right's because you are too concentrated on this one Mr. Wrong. So, when are you planning on talking to him??? Are you M as well? I know you said he had children, do you??? 411 please. I'm going to praying for you, Rhyme.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Are you prepared to be step mom to their child? And, knowing his (ex) wife will be a part of your lives forever? Right now it's an affair, based on lies, secrets, good times, and sex. Maybe it seems like a 'real' relationship to you, but for you, it's built on shakey ground and a sense of false security. I hope this makes sense to you. You two don't share a life together. Not finances, a house, a child, family, friends, inlaws, and extended family. His wife has all that with him.. And you say you "think" he's been married for a few years. You don't know for sure? Have you told your family and any of your friends you're seeing a MM with a young child? Honestly, you have no idea what truly goes on in their life, behind closed doors. I take it he's probably told you he and his wife do not have sex/they sleep in separate rooms, right? He's painted her in a bad light? Made it seem like he's the victim? MM LIE! You know this! First hand experience! So, don't believe all that he tells you. He lies to his wife, the woman he said vows to, the mother of his child, who she carried for 9 months..Look at easily he's fooled her! Don't fool yourself into believing he wouldn't lie or omit truths from you. The chances of him leaving his wife and child FOR you is slim to none. Why didn't he tell you he was married when you first met? Did you ask him? Sure he feels bad about that, but you forgave him and now you have expectations and hopes for the future...
bentnotbroken Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I guess I didn't leave him because I knew about the status of his marriage, that they aren't faring too well right now and maybe that gave me hope that he would leave her. They have a young daughter, and I think they've been married a few years. We are both in our mid 20's and he's 3 years older than me. One day a couple months ago I did cry to him about how much it hurt that he's married. He told me that he knows I've been very patient with him, and that he hopes I'll be patient a little longer. He's said he doesn't want me to go anywhere... I'm so confused. I am the happiest, yet saddest, I've ever been. I've never been in a situation like this. Unless you are in the house with him and her 24/7, you know nothing about their marriage. You know what a guy who lied about his marriage told you. Ask his wife if you want to hear at least half the truth. But because something might be said that you don't want to hear, you aren't going to ask any questions of substance, even if you actions affect her an her child.
jj33 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I think the problem is you know the answer. He lied about his marriage and he has no intention of leaving. You havent asked so as Lady Gray said, he has lucked out. He was able to lie to you with no consequence. Since you found out you have stayed been the perfect gf (in an attempt to win) and he has even less consequence because the fear of being found out and booted is gone. Its easy street for him. WAKE UP SNAP OUT OF IT No sense in asking any questions until you decide what you want and what you are going to do with the information. If you are happy to be the OW, then whats the difference? If you arent happy to be the OW then what. Hes clearly not leaving anytime soon. So your options are to sit and wait and listen to his song and dance number about how now is not the right time and wiat some more wondering how often you can ask. You can give him a time frame - if you dont take action in x months Im out of here. Or (and in my view the better course) is to ask, if he doesnt give a time frame of a month or less, then you walk. If he cant live without you he will take action, and if he can live without you, you have started the healing journey. This is your life, you are not some appendage to his life. Take back your power. What you want counts
fooled once Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Agree with everyone else. He lied to you for 6 mo this and would still be lying had you not asked. And he isn't going to tell you"oh yes, I plan to leave a week fro. Tuesday" he has lied to you for 6 months and when told, you allowed hi. To make excuses! Wonder what else he is lying about? Oh I am sure he will tell you "nothing else, just that little lie cause I didn't want you to leave me" And if there has bben no talk of him leaving after a year, he has no plans to leave. I know, he will tell you once you ask him :wink: do you really think he is going to tell you the truth? He is staying, he has no plans to leave and he probably wants you to be a good little mistress and know your place....which is behind his wife and child. Just wait - the excuses for not getting a divorce will be his child and not wanting to be the "bad guy" and finances. So for 6 months, you had no idea he was married ... Did you know he had a child or did he conveniently forget that too? When you chose to forgive his lie about being married, what did you envision happening ? Did you think he would declare his "love" for you and tell you he was leaving? And when that didn't happen, what did you think? You have been having an affair for a year and you never talked future with him?? He sounds like a jerk and has litle respect for you. I say that because he seems ok with you being the mistress until he moves on to the next victim.
MissBee Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I have been seeing my MM for a year, and I have fallen in love. I know he feels the same way, and this has been a difficult situation for the both of us. My burning question for him is: what can I expect, or not expect, to happen? Meaning more specifically, if he is going to leave his wife or not. I guess a little bit of our history is that I didn't know for the first 6 months that he was married. I actually had to ask the question myself because I had spotted a couple subtle clues. And by the time I found out, my feelings were already very strong and I didn't want to give him up. He was so sorry for putting me through it and I believe him. I feel like now is not the right time because it's only been a year, but I just need some advice and some suggestions maybe. Please help. Rhyme...I think you have it a bit backwards. This should have been asked when you found out he lied about being married and before you decided to stick with him. There is no way around the fact that he kept his status a secret for 6 months...one doesn't simply "forget" they are married. Therefore, you should think critically about this important detail. Saying sorry and saying you believe him don't say much. My first reaction to your story is that you seem young or at least very trusting and impressionable and this man knows this....I do not think he has any intention of leaving his marriage for you and I think he gets the sense that any story he tells you, you'll believe him....if after a year you are scared to even approach the man you claim to love and ask him serious questions...then you're not asserting yourself in this relationship, and if you don't, he automatically has the control. I'd suggest you decide what YOU want out of a relationship and for yourself in the next year (and don't just think "I want him"). If you want him, why? What is so great and special about a man who is married and lied about it for 6 months? Why would he lie? If he lied for such a long time, do you think it is at least possible he has lied more? What is the foundation of this relationship? Has he spoken to you about the state of his marriage? These are a few of the questions you may want to ask YOURSELF before you proceed further.
MissBee Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 A man who lies about his marital status had no respect or regard for you from day 1. He may try to spin it that he cared about you so much that he just couldn't tell you and risk losing you, but you would be wise to not believe anything that comes after his mouth about why he did it. Doesn't it piss you off that he took away your choices and cause you to live a lie for 6 months? It should! So after you found out you didn't boot him, so he is thinking that wow I've lucked up, I've got this little gal who I can manipulate and pull her strings because she essentially didn't think it was that big of a deal that I lied to her for 6 months and she keep seeing me. Bingo! So now he is thinking, wow she believed what ever bs I spewed out about why I didn't tell her so I can keep this one around a while and it won't be hard for me to do so. She is easy. After all, she has done so good, she didn't get upset enough to boot me and she never has even asked me if I'm going to leave, well except for that one time but I shot that down and got her under control pretty quick. I told her to be patient with me and so far it's working but I also told her how difficult I'm having it because that way I can manipulate her a little more by making her feel sorry for me. She is gonna be a good little ow and I can keep stringing her along for a good long time with minimal effort. She is meek and mild and doesn't get pissed off easily. Aren't you pissed? You should be because you are being taken for ride by a master at it. He isn't some good guy who is misguided or in a bad marriage that you need to feel sorry for, he is a CON man and he stole 6 months of your life by lying about that very IMPORTANT FACT. Get pissed off like yesterday! Great post! Cosign x 1000
TurboGirl Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 MM tend to lie about what is really happening at home, OH once they admit they are married that is... The fact that he lied for 6 months is really not good... this guy can lie to TWO women at once very adeptly! Ok... so you've been with a MM for a year. He's not leaving, I would bet money on it... or perhaps maybe he WILL leave, when his child grows up! OP, you are in your 20s with your entire life ahead of you! Do you want to be with a cheater? Your selection of men right now is at an all time high. Why on earth would you want to be with a MM?! The word is YOURS when you are in your 20s! I suggest you have a talk with him, sooner than later, and get the cards on the table. Be prepared, because it probably won't go as you hope it will. Oh and if it DOES go you way... are you prepared for the emotional mess of a guy you will have to deal with during his divorce? Lots of back/forth, raw emotions... and if you're into drama, well you'd have lots of it. And then if it goes your way, you will be an instant step-mom! No more fun nights on the town when you would have the child, you know. There will be other loves in your life, OP. Probably the love of your life waiting for you out there somewhere... if you make yourself available and free to experience it.
Author rhyme Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!! I feel empowered to take back the power and demand answers. I don't deserve to be treated like this, I should be someone's one and only. I don't know exactly when I will have the chance to talk to him about this but I am going to take the chance the next time an opportunity presents itself. You guys are awesome. I am awesome. And I don't deserve any pain.
MissBee Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!! I feel empowered to take back the power and demand answers. I don't deserve to be treated like this, I should be someone's one and only. I don't know exactly when I will have the chance to talk to him about this but I am going to take the chance the next time an opportunity presents itself. You guys are awesome. I am awesome. And I don't deserve any pain. Amen! Goodluck with everything!
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!! I feel empowered to take back the power and demand answers. I don't deserve to be treated like this, I should be someone's one and only. I don't know exactly when I will have the chance to talk to him about this but I am going to take the chance the next time an opportunity presents itself. You guys are awesome. I am awesome. And I don't deserve any pain. Can I ask? What do you mean when the opportunity presents itself? Why not (tonight!) write out what you want to say him. Get something prepared in your mind, practice in front of the mirror.. Then, ask to meet him and talk to him about all this stuff. Don't let fear of possibly pissing him off get in the way of an honest conversation that should have happened a long time ago, stop you!
fooled once Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Can I ask why you didn't think to demand answers earlier? For 6 months you have known you aren't the one and only. Why is it such an issue now? Can you not call him right now and ask...or is it because it is the weekend and he is with his wife now that you have to wait until a work day when he can talk to you without his wife getting suspicious?
Author rhyme Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Can I ask why you didn't think to demand answers earlier? For 6 months you have known you aren't the one and only. Why is it such an issue now? Can you not call him right now and ask...or is it because it is the weekend and he is with his wife now that you have to wait until a work day when he can talk to you without his wife getting suspicious? This is a face to face conversation I want to have. I want to see his eyes and how his face and body reacts to everything I want to ask or say. And I don't want to call him and say "I need to talk to you," I kind of want to surprise him. So he doesn't have time to practice what he's gonna say to me. I admit, I am afraid, I am scared. But I also have to know or it will drive me crazy. It's an issue now because I've fallen in love with him. When I wasn't before, it was different. I didn't care that I was the OW. I know it sounds bad that I love someone who lied to me about something huge but so much of everything else is perfect. But I need everything to be perfect.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 This is a face to face conversation I want to have. I want to see his eyes and how his face and body reacts to everything I want to ask or say. And I don't want to call him and say "I need to talk to you," I kind of want to surprise him. So he doesn't have time to practice what he's gonna say to me. I admit, I am afraid, I am scared. But I also have to know or it will drive me crazy. It's an issue now because I've fallen in love with him. When I wasn't before, it was different. I didn't care that I was the OW. I know it sounds bad that I love someone who lied to me about something huge but so much of everything else is perfect. But I need everything to be perfect. What is so perfect? How he makes you feel? In bed? How attentive he is? NOTHING is perfect and sadly this false bubble around you is going to pop. Just because you love him, doesn't mean you have to have him. He isn't "yours" so to speak and he's a complete IDIOT for selling himself as available, and we all know that's not true. Don't let him manipulate you, fool you, give you lines of crap. He WILL try.. Not malciously, but selfishly. This guy likes having two women fulfill all his needs.
bentnotbroken Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 This is a face to face conversation I want to have. I want to see his eyes and how his face and body reacts to everything I want to ask or say. And I don't want to call him and say "I need to talk to you," I kind of want to surprise him. So he doesn't have time to practice what he's gonna say to me. I admit, I am afraid, I am scared. But I also have to know or it will drive me crazy. It's an issue now because I've fallen in love with him. When I wasn't before, it was different. I didn't care that I was the OW. I know it sounds bad that I love someone who lied to me about something huge but so much of everything else is perfect. But I need everything to be perfect. There is nothing about life that is perfect. Needing perfection in life leaves one always disappointed and lacking.
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