Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 So you did wait with him. As long as it takes to get a good grasp of his personality. Oh man, does that phrase ever lead somewhere else! I purposely don't shave so I won't fall to temptation:eek: But it did elevate everything from there. The one good thing that came out of the whole thing is we would probably still be together had a crisis not arose. Then... I would have found out down the road when I was in even deeper that we were so incompatible. He wanted me to move in with him within 3 months!!! Imagine how that would have turned out!
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I purposely don't shave so I won't fall to temptation:eek: But it did elevate everything from there. The one good thing that came out of the whole thing is we would probably still be together had a crisis not arose. Then... I would have found out down the road when I was in even deeper that we were so incompatible. He wanted me to move in with him within 3 months!!! Imagine how that would have turned out! Yes! That was lucky that you did have a crisis scenario that helped to illustrate how he melts down under stress. Imagine having a crisis a few years down the road (and guaranteed there would be one thing or another since life's like that) and finding this out after so much investment.
Tybalt Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yes, I oughtta get me one of those T-shirts! Lol. Chemistry is such a beast! I seriously cannot see straight around this ex of mine. It is as if all time implodes and there is nothing else around us. We talked about the fact that we both experience this yesterday. The relationship is also very calm and mature on the surface - no explosive arguments, mostly consideration and politeness. Yet, instead of talking to me about being afraid three weeks ago, he cut and run with a vague explanation that wasn't even true. Based on this response, I am very wary of someone who bails instead of properly identifying and processing emotions, and sharing, thus granting me the choice of how I want to react instead of making the decision for me. He said he thought it would be more "fair" to me and he'd hurt me less if he just got cold and left. Huh? I prefer honesty. I think I may be white knuckling this one for awhile... He wants to see me, he misses me, he cares, I can hardly breathe in his presence. But I know what I want, something long term with a person who shares my values and can build a solid relationship with me. I know it is much harder for you D-Lish, given the longer and more intense history and investment with this guy, so I really applaud you for this. Force of will...
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Yes, I oughtta get me one of those T-shirts! Lol. Chemistry is such a beast! I seriously cannot see straight around this ex of mine. It is as if all time implodes and there is nothing else around us. We talked about the fact that we both experience this yesterday. The relationship is also very calm and mature on the surface - no explosive arguments, mostly consideration and politeness. Yet, instead of talking to me about being afraid three weeks ago, he cut and run with a vague explanation that wasn't even true. Based on this response, I am very wary of someone who bails instead of properly identifying and processing emotions, and sharing, thus granting me the choice of how I want to react instead of making the decision for me. He said he thought it would be more "fair" to me and he'd hurt me less if he just got cold and left. Huh? I prefer honesty. I think I may be white knuckling this one for awhile... He wants to see me, he misses me, he cares, I can hardly breathe in his presence. But I know what I want, something long term with a person who shares my values and can build a solid relationship with me. I know it is much harder for you D-Lish, given the longer and more intense history and investment with this guy, so I really applaud you for this. Force of will... Have you considered NC on your end? Someone that doesn't know what they want but won't let you go isn't something you have to endure! If my ex had have dumped me and then remained in contact, I would have been even messier than I was going NC. Could you just tell him to figure himself out first and not to contact you until he does? I'm back starting NC all over again and it's tough, especially after spending 2 quality days together. But two good days doesn't mean those issues that tore us apart aren't still there and very much alive.
Tybalt Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I've definitely utilized NC in the past, with other relationships and I know it works. I did tell him that it appears he needs to sort himself out and gain clarity, and I made it clear I am going to go on and continue living my life in the meantime. I haven't specifically told him not to contact me. It may come to that for my own sanity. After two days I can imagine it is very hard not to feel "hooked" again!
Author D-Lish Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Yes! That was lucky that you did have a crisis scenario that helped to illustrate how he melts down under stress. Imagine having a crisis a few years down the road (and guaranteed there would be one thing or another since life's like that) and finding this out after so much investment. I'd be living with him right now... Instead- I am FINALLY moving into a place that I'm really happy about closer to the downtown core into a great (and much safer) neighbourhood. I moved out from my room mate situation (remember his gf hated me??) into something temporary- and am finally going to be settled. Had none of this happened, I'd probably be in a miserable situation right now given his pattern of withdrawing from women pretty quickly and just coasting with them. I've definitely utilized NC in the past, with other relationships and I know it works. I did tell him that it appears he needs to sort himself out and gain clarity, and I made it clear I am going to go on and continue living my life in the meantime. I haven't specifically told him not to contact me. It may come to that for my own sanity. After two days I can imagine it is very hard not to feel "hooked" again! I've been doing some crying on and off all day, only because the last couple days (minus the sex) were just like things were when we were totally smitten with one another and everything seemed perfect. I've had my phone off all day- I don't want to be tempted to text him and I am meeting my boss for lunch tomorrow and I've already emailed her that I want her to turn my phone on and if there is a message to delete it for me. Still, I am glad he's going to have that last impression of me and not the impression I always feared he had previously. For some reason, knowing he doesn't hate me, and was actually experiencing some pain of his own these past 4+ months makes me feel a little better. You might have to go NC for your sanity. Sometimes it helps to take back the control by being the one that makes the decision to move on.
Author D-Lish Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Well that didn't work for me (the phone thing). My Boss e-mailed me that the owner just texted her that my phone is off and has been trying to reach me... On my day off of course. EMAIL MAIL ME!!! for crying out loud. So I had to turn my phone on and he had texted me this morning telling me he was happy we talked and how was I doing. I don't need to see that, I don't want to deal with it. I'm drafting an email telling him I need NC until we both get our head on straight and was upfront that that might take a year or more before I am ready to be his friend. As for my owner- she sent me 3 texts to call her- IT'S MY DAY OFF. I called her and LIED and said I'd been driving home from the cottage and couldn't use my phone. What did she want? Something stupid and insignificant. Sometimes I want to drop my phone in the toilet.
Author D-Lish Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Yeah yeah yeah... don't tell everyone It's our little secret... Or throw it at her. Do you remember the Jet Blue Steward that went nuts, got on the mic on the airplane, swore at the passengers and gave everyone the double finger, then pulled the emergency blow up slide and slid off the plane to quit??? In my Company we constantly joke about "jet blueing it outta there" and we always create crazy scenario's about how we'd leave and laugh hysterically over it. Working in an environment where you are governed by a an evil Dictator 24/7 takes the piss out of you.
daphne Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 One thing that I've been agonizing over is that he spent 2-5 years in relationships prior to me where he was physically abused (one ex used to choke him when she got angry), cheated on, and sleeping in separate bedrooms... Yet he stayed with them and couldn't stay with me through a pregnancy. i always thought I must have been HORRIBLE for him to break up with me after 5 1/2 months- especially since I was the first girl he's ever broken up with in his life. He said I was too real, what happened was too real, his feelings were too real. Too real or too good? My ex ex came back again and he talks about the girls that have cheated on him, lied to him and verbally abused him since we broke up. He mentioned that he can't figure out why he didn't know how to treat me well when we were together and now had to deal with women that weren't so good. He suggested because he hated himself and didn't think he deserved me. Your ex sounds like he chose those women because it's a lot easier to avoid intimacy and still be in a relationship with someone you don't trust and who brings a lot of drama. My ex mentioned above was like this and I'd never experienced that kind of non intimacy, and never want to again.
Nexus One Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) Sometimes I want to drop my phone in the toilet. What I don't like is when people call me up all panicky and then when I'm trying to figure out what they're trying to say it turns out their panic is completely unjustified. They stress me out for nothing. I have several colleagues that do that over the phone. They act the same way at the office. They come rushing to my desk and put up alarming voices, but then after 3 minutes of stressing the sh*t out of me it turns out they want something completely casual. They make it seem like something happened and went awfully wrong, which isn't the case at all, quite the opposite. I wish people wouldn't do that, I really dislike that. Save the panic for situations where it's warranted. Edited September 7, 2011 by Nexus One
Author D-Lish Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Too real or too good? My ex ex came back again and he talks about the girls that have cheated on him, lied to him and verbally abused him since we broke up. He mentioned that he can't figure out why he didn't know how to treat me well when we were together and now had to deal with women that weren't so good. He suggested because he hated himself and didn't think he deserved me. Your ex sounds like he chose those women because it's a lot easier to avoid intimacy and still be in a relationship with someone you don't trust and who brings a lot of drama. My ex mentioned above was like this and I'd never experienced that kind of non intimacy, and never want to again. Seems we have similar ex's. He told me "I was too real"... But the bottom line is I am just me- trouble and all. Guys like this? They'd rather deal with being abused than dealing with being in love. How messed up is that?
ja123 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Seems we have similar ex's. He told me "I was too real"... But the bottom line is I am just me- trouble and all. Guys like this? They'd rather deal with being abused than dealing with being in love. How messed up is that? shrink4men.com explains all about men like that.
ja123 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 D-Lish, I must say that I really admire you for how you are handling all this. And you're so good at verbalising your feelings. You are an inspiration! One day at a time, my dear, as you know. You're going to be just fine!
OriginalPenguin Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Seems we have similar ex's. He told me "I was too real"... But the bottom line is I am just me- trouble and all. Guys like this? They'd rather deal with being abused than dealing with being in love. How messed up is that? From a male perspective I can relate to this having dealt with this exact thing. It is very hard to comprehend. Being with somebody that is so used to being treated poorly that they actually act out when you treat them well....it's mind boggling because you end up second guessing your own actions! Not healthy at all.
Yellow_Duck'y Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I am happy that you found the closure you needed! The one thing I want to comment on (and please forgive me if I am off base) is the need to turn off your phone. Doing something as drastic as shutting your phone off, to avoid temptation, still still shows you are emotionally attached and vulnerable (crying after being in contact with him, is another example). If a friendship is salvageable, a good solid year of no contact (maybe longer), is best. Your relationship history was traumatic and resulted in you breaking up with him, then him breaking up with you, you reaching out to him a few months later, him responding, both of you hanging out again, and now ignoring when he reaches out to you. Emotionally, you need to progress forward. Not regress. And, it's easy to get lost in the cycle I mentioned above and stay stuck in it versus healing properly, not just from this relationship, but as a whole. Sometimes there remains emotional wounds from a prior relationship, or from past circumstances, and the new relationship serves as a catalyst in bringing those vulnerabilities back to the surface. Sounds like that may have been the case for your ex, but try not to spend too much time focusing on "why he is this " or "why is he that". He needs to figure his "stuff" out on his own. Take good care of yourself. It's nice to see people feeling more at peace with things and I am glad to see that you are one of those people.
Author D-Lish Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 From a male perspective I can relate to this having dealt with this exact thing. It is very hard to comprehend. Being with somebody that is so used to being treated poorly that they actually act out when you treat them well....it's mind boggling because you end up second guessing your own actions! Not healthy at all. And it's good to be away from people and relationships like that. You learn a lot about how messed up people can be when you date people like this. I am happy that you found the closure you needed! The one thing I want to comment on (and please forgive me if I am off base) is the need to turn off your phone. Doing something as drastic as shutting your phone off, to avoid temptation, still still shows you are emotionally attached and vulnerable (crying after being in contact with him, is another example). If a friendship is salvageable, a good solid year of no contact (maybe longer), is best. Your relationship history was traumatic and resulted in you breaking up with him, then him breaking up with you, you reaching out to him a few months later, him responding, both of you hanging out again, and now ignoring when he reaches out to you. Emotionally, you need to progress forward. Not regress. And, it's easy to get lost in the cycle I mentioned above and stay stuck in it versus healing properly, not just from this relationship, but as a whole. Sometimes there remains emotional wounds from a prior relationship, or from past circumstances, and the new relationship serves as a catalyst in bringing those vulnerabilities back to the surface. Sounds like that may have been the case for your ex, but try not to spend too much time focusing on "why he is this " or "why is he that". He needs to figure his "stuff" out on his own. Take good care of yourself. It's nice to see people feeling more at peace with things and I am glad to see that you are one of those people. The phone thing and turning it off was temporary. I knew he'd text and didn't want to deal with it. After sending him an e-mail re-iterating that we should take at least a year away from each other to heal- he agreed and I felt better today. I am still emotionally vulnerable- which is why I need the space. I hope he finds some peace within himself- I'm now free to find my own, which feels good. Thanks:)
Author D-Lish Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 What I don't like is when people call me up all panicky and then when I'm trying to figure out what they're trying to say it turns out their panic is completely unjustified. They stress me out for nothing. I have several colleagues that do that over the phone. They act the same way at the office. They come rushing to my desk and put up alarming voices, but then after 3 minutes of stressing the sh*t out of me it turns out they want something completely casual. They make it seem like something happened and went awfully wrong, which isn't the case at all, quite the opposite. I wish people wouldn't do that, I really dislike that. Save the panic for situations where it's warranted. My boss makes mountains out of mole hills every waking minute of the day. D-Lish, I must say that I really admire you for how you are handling all this. And you're so good at verbalising your feelings. You are an inspiration! One day at a time, my dear, as you know. You're going to be just fine! I felt so much better today, thanks. I'm going to miss a part of him- but you can't go backwards in a situation like this. I told him outright I'd probably never be able to come to terms with the resentment I feel over how he left. Besides, I deserve someone who is emotionally available. Cheers.
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