Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Wow, had to read a novel to get to where I could make an informed reply. Grats on the closure, you make it sound like the thing the rest of us imagine it is. Kudos on your resolve, I am sure you will keep your head about you and everything moving forward will be better than anything that came before. I know- I came back tonight and was surprised at the amount of reading I had to do. I appreciate all the support though. He always used to lie his head on my lap while I scratched his head, gave him a scalp massage- that was probably the hardest thing to deal with today- because that was a glimpse into the intimacy we once shared. That also helped me to keep my resolve because I realized that if that brought back some nostalgia- sleeping with him would have screwed me up in a much worse way. I think it's going to take a few days to get over seeing him again, but my head is on straight now, and it hasn't been for the past 4 1/2 months. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I was an idiot"... I heard that in various translations for 2 days in a row. One thing that I've been agonizing over is that he spent 2-5 years in relationships prior to me where he was physically abused (one ex used to choke him when she got angry), cheated on, and sleeping in separate bedrooms... Yet he stayed with them and couldn't stay with me through a pregnancy. i always thought I must have been HORRIBLE for him to break up with me after 5 1/2 months- especially since I was the first girl he's ever broken up with in his life. He said I was too real, what happened was too real, his feelings were too real. I find solace in knowing that, even though it may not seen like much of a consolation. He's never reached out to an ex after a break up either- which is why I was shocked that he wanted to talk.
0hpenelope Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Oh D, bravo. Can you imagine a better closure than this? I'm very happy for you. Just happy.
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 *looks at D-Lish's avatar* D-Lish, are you really wearing that shirt? YES:lmao: My friend took me out after my break up and took the picture on her phone and sent it to me. It's the funniest shirt ever. It's an old shirt- My sister-in-law bought it for me after my divorce 9 years ago! I "bust" it out once and a while.
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Way. To. Go. D! Apology. Check. Closure. Check. Self-Respect. Check. Awesome T-shirt. Check. List complete, ready for take off!
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 D, I am so, so happy for you. You got all that you needed from this and you really sound like you are ready to finally move on from him. Big props to you for staying so strong. And I LOVE the avatar. :love::bunny::) The avatar just now seems appropriate:laugh: I am ready to move forward. Still sad and conflicted, but not so much so that I'd take a step backwards and get back together with him. I think he's one of those guys that has held things in for 30 years (since childhood) and has all of a sudden begun to unravel. He's got a journey ahead of him that is longer than my journey to heal from him. Oh D, bravo. Can you imagine a better closure than this? I'm very happy for you. Just happy. Thanks P, It was both sad and liberating. I've kinda been crying on and off since I got home tonight. I'm still attracted to him, and I miss him a lot, but you can't go backwards. I can't put myself back in a position where it's probable that I'm going to be emotionally abandoned 3 months down the road knowing he has that pattern. The hardest decision you ever have to make in life is doing the right thing despite what your heart tells you.
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Way. To. Go. D! Apology. Check. Closure. Check. Self-Respect. Check. Awesome T-shirt. Check. List complete, ready for take off! Thanks T:love: As much as I feel crappy right now, I still feel better than even a week ago. Him admitting how effed up he is has allieviated me of so much guilt. He had been telling his friends he broke up with me because I was crazy (he was sobbing when he admitted this). When he came out to his best friend and his wife about the pregnancy situation, they gave him an earful, when prior to that they had supported him for leaving me. Once they found out the truth, they told him he was an a-hole. I no longer feel "stuck". I'm still teary eyed as I write this, but it's not the same teary eyed I was a week ago.
Tybalt Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 The avatar just now seems appropriate:laugh: I am ready to move forward. Still sad and conflicted, but not so much so that I'd take a step backwards and get back together with him. I think he's one of those guys that has held things in for 30 years (since childhood) and has all of a sudden begun to unravel. He's got a journey ahead of him that is longer than my journey to heal from him. Thanks P, It was both sad and liberating. I've kinda been crying on and off since I got home tonight. I'm still attracted to him, and I miss him a lot, but you can't go backwards. I can't put myself back in a position where it's probable that I'm going to be emotionally abandoned 3 months down the road knowing he has that pattern. The hardest decision you ever have to make in life is doing the right thing despite what your heart tells you. This is an amazing post and contains several truths you express with great clarity. I love the last line about the hardest decision - this is absolutely right. I'm reading, absorbing, being inspired, and I am hopeful I will carry through with similar resolve. Your sharing of your story really helps others!
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) This is an amazing post and contains several truths you express with great clarity. I love the last line about the hardest decision - this is absolutely right. I'm reading, absorbing, being inspired, and I am hopeful I will carry through with similar resolve. Your sharing of your story really helps others! At some point I would have created my own closure, but having it in person helped. I got everything I wanted and needed out of this. If you're in a position where you are looking for closure, take solace in knowing that the dumpers have their own issues and it's not always about us. Embrace that reality. I was shocked when I answered the door last night too see this guy that has lost so much weight. Regardless, he has so much further to go than I do. We discussed wanting to be together but not being compatible- and the truth is we are not compatible. I can't go back as a result. I can relate to what you are going through- and I think you need a new t-shirt :-D Edited September 6, 2011 by D-Lish
oaks Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I'm glad this thread has a happy ending, and a nice t-shirt.
OriginalPenguin Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I don't know anything about this back story, although some of the details are here. This part confuses me: Basically, he wanted to apologize to me for being an ass-hole. He said he finally opened up to one of his friends and his wife a couple of weeks ago about the pregnancy and both of them basically reemed him out. . At first I thought this must have been a pretty old relationship but then I saw something about the possibility of sleeping with this guy. Erm...what?
Rita86 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 One of his friends and his wife meaning the wife of one of his friends...
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I don't know anything about this back story, although some of the details are here. This part confuses me: At first I thought this must have been a pretty old relationship but then I saw something about the possibility of sleeping with this guy. Erm...what? No.no- he's not married- it was his friend's wife. I was pregnant and had a miscarriage and he left shortly after. His friend's wife has had 3 kids, and she told him he was an ass-hole for making any judgements about my behaviour when I was pregnant.
pandagirl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Oh, D. I'm really glad you got the closure you needed. You knew all along that you were right, but you just needed to "prove" yourself. As I suspected, he is suffering because that's what he is programmed to do, since he doesn't know how to properly deal with emotions or his own issues. I found it sort of shocking that it took his friends TELLING him he was being an a-shole to actually realize how wrong he treated you -- that's how in the dark he was about everything. I mean... GEESH! I'm so happy you got this. In a way, it restores my faith that good people always come out on top.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I'm so glad this has worked out the way it has.
OriginalPenguin Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 No.no- he's not married- it was his friend's wife. I was pregnant and had a miscarriage and he left shortly after. His friend's wife has had 3 kids, and she told him he was an ass-hole for making any judgements about my behaviour when I was pregnant. Ok, mystery solved. I take you are a person of some merit around these parts, it is refreshing to see the support. You seem to be cautious but it still bears repeating: BE CAREFUL! Us humans are an emotional lot and speaking from experience it is far too easy to fall back into old habits and comfort zones. Best of luck to you!
Gold Pile Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Seems you handled it very well, as did he. Edited September 6, 2011 by Gold Pile
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Oh, D. I'm really glad you got the closure you needed. You knew all along that you were right, but you just needed to "prove" yourself. As I suspected, he is suffering because that's what he is programmed to do, since he doesn't know how to properly deal with emotions or his own issues. I found it sort of shocking that it took his friends TELLING him he was being an a-shole to actually realize how wrong he treated you -- that's how in the dark he was about everything. I mean... GEESH! I'm so happy you got this. In a way, it restores my faith that good people always come out on top. It's just another thing that solidifies why we aren't right for one another. There are so many reasons why the two of us never would have worked. I am lucky I had a four day weekend and had today to recover- because it has been a set back day. It's back to day one of NC again.
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Ok, mystery solved. I take you are a person of some merit around these parts, it is refreshing to see the support. You seem to be cautious but it still bears repeating: BE CAREFUL! Us humans are an emotional lot and speaking from experience it is far too easy to fall back into old habits and comfort zones. Best of luck to you! Thanks, I've been fighting with that today- it was to be expected. A day in my pj's with my kleenex box. People are supportive around the board, and there are many good people here, it's a nice plays to be when you need help.
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It's just another thing that solidifies why we aren't right for one another. There are so many reasons why the two of us never would have worked. I am lucky I had a four day weekend and had today to recover- because it has been a set back day. It's back to day one of NC again.He needs others to define who he is. It reinforces how weak he is at core.
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 He needs others to define who he is. It reinforces how weak he is at core. I wish I'd seen that from day one and not taken a second date!
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I wish I'd seen that from day one and not taken a second date!Unfortunately, this is something that only time tells through behavioural patterns.
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Unfortunately, this is something that only time tells through behavioural patterns. And then of course there is being blind sided by the chemistry. I find it hard to be logical when I'm on a high like that.
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 And then of course there is being blind sided by the chemistry. I find it hard to be logical when I'm on a high like that.I hear you. As a thought for future, have you considered holding off for an extended length of time, when it comes to intimacy? In doing so, it slows down the oxytocin pair bonding chemicals released post orgasm. Oh man, that sounds so clinical but it's true!
Author D-Lish Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I hear you. As a thought for future, have you considered holding off for an extended length of time, when it comes to intimacy? In doing so, it slows down the oxytocin pair bonding chemicals released post orgasm. Oh man, that sounds so clinical but it's true! I would hold off. I think we waited 3 weeks for him to have one, a month for me to have one, but didn't go all the way until about 5 weeks. How long is an "extended period":laugh:
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I would hold off. I think we waited 3 weeks for him to have one, a month for me to have one, but didn't go all the way until about 5 weeks. How long is an "extended period":laugh:So you did wait with him. As long as it takes to get a good grasp of his personality. Oh man, does that phrase ever lead somewhere else!
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