At what point should I I realize this girl isn't into me anymore?

[ScottSummers]

I started talking to this girl again, she was an old friend. We really hit it off and hung out a few times. She recently got out of a four year relationship and its only been a few months. We were going on a lot of dates and things were great, tons of things in common, she told me how awesome and attractive she thought I was. She basically pushed the pace of everything and I normally take things WAY slower, but finally kinda gave in and didn't hold back anymore. Then out of nowhere she said she wanted to slow things down. So I agreed with her, but now I haven't seen her in over a month. We talk everyday either on facebook chat (sometimes for hours) or via text. The other night she finally told me that things kind of got serious really fast between the two of us and it kind of scared her and that's why she backed off. I never pressured her to be my girlfriend or anything like that and I still haven't. I have said to her a few times, that we should get together and she says "I think we should" but then whenever i ask her out she said she already has plans and doesn't try and plan another time with me. Yet, we continue to talk everyday. Should I take the hint and give up? Or should I respect the fact that shes recently out of a break up and needs more time? We did fool around, but we didn't have sex.. so i don't think im a rebound or anything like that.

[norajane]

Ask her. Ask her the same thing you posted here:

 

I have said to her a few times, that we should get together and she says "I think we should" but then whenever i ask her out she said she already has plans and doesn't try and plan another time with me. Yet, we continue to talk everyday. Should I take the hint and give up? Or should I respect the fact that shes recently out of a break up and needs more time?

 

If she's nervous about seeing you because it's too much, too soon, then she should be able to articulate that honestly instead of agreeing to see you and then backing off.

 

If she says it's too much too soon, ask her if she's dating other people and if that's what she wants to do right now...date lots of people instead of just one person.

 

Also, instead of asking her out for a specific date when she can tell you she already has plans, you should have asked when she'd like to get together. That forces her to be honest if she doesn't want to see you. But you already know she doesn't want to see you - otherwise she would have by now - so that's just for future reference.

[Casablanca]

Put the ball in her court, tell her to let you know when she is available and then dont contact her unless she contacts you back

[ScottSummers]

Ask her. Ask her the same thing you posted here:

 

 

 

If she's nervous about seeing you because it's too much, too soon, then she should be able to articulate that honestly instead of agreeing to see you and then backing off.

 

If she says it's too much too soon, ask her if she's dating other people and if that's what she wants to do right now...date lots of people instead of just one person.

 

Also, instead of asking her out for a specific date when she can tell you she already has plans, you should have asked when she'd like to get together. That forces her to be honest if she doesn't want to see you. But you already know she doesn't want to see you - otherwise she would have by now - so that's just for future reference.

 

 

 

 

 

Right, I want to ask her if she still likes me or not and just be 100% open. But I feel that if I do that, A. I'll be annoying or B. I'll push her away even more. But at the same time I don't think I can handle playing these little games much longer, driving me crazy!

[norajane]

No, don't ask her if she likes you or not.

 

Ask her THIS:

 

I have said to her a few times, that we should get together and she says "I think we should" but then whenever i ask her out she said she already has plans and doesn't try and plan another time with me. Yet, we continue to talk everyday. Should I take the hint and give up? Or should I respect the fact that shes recently out of a break up and needs more time?

 

Say it just like that. To her.

 

You need her to explain WHAT she is feeling, not whether she likes you. She does like you, and she'll tell you that. Otherwise she wouldn't be chatting with you. However, that doesn't mean she wants to DATE you. Those can be two different things.

 

And if she says she just needs more time because it's too much too soon, ask her if she's dating other people.

[SelfControl]

Let me be straight forward here...take the hint.

 

The reason she was interested in you at first was because you were taking things slow, which means you were new and challeneging to her, unlike her boring and predicatable previous 4 year RL she just got out of. Then you 'gave in', which means you were no longer exciting to her. That's when her interest started to drop. She won't go out with you now because she already knows she can have you if she wants. Another way to look at it is her interest in you has gotten so low it can't be recovered. Of course she'll never tell you this directly, which is why she's telling you that things got way too serisouly to quickly and doesn't counteroffer when you ask her out.

 

Remember, it's better to look at her interest in you, rather than your interest in her.

 

Please, save yourself time and respect by cutting your losses and looking for a new girl. One that's 'really' interested in you. You can do it.

[Elysian Powder]

I started talking to this girl again, she was an old friend. We really hit it off and hung out a few times. She recently got out of a four year relationship and its only been a few months. We were going on a lot of dates and things were great, tons of things in common, she told me how awesome and attractive she thought I was. She basically pushed the pace of everything and I normally take things WAY slower, but finally kinda gave in and didn't hold back anymore. Then out of nowhere she said she wanted to slow things down. So I agreed with her, but now I haven't seen her in over a month. We talk everyday either on facebook chat (sometimes for hours) or via text. The other night she finally told me that things kind of got serious really fast between the two of us and it kind of scared her and that's why she backed off. I never pressured her to be my girlfriend or anything like that and I still haven't. I have said to her a few times, that we should get together and she says "I think we should" but then whenever i ask her out she said she already has plans and doesn't try and plan another time with me. Yet, we continue to talk everyday. Should I take the hint and give up? Or should I respect the fact that shes recently out of a break up and needs more time? We did fool around, but we didn't have sex.. so i don't think im a rebound or anything like that.

 

She's not banging you. That's all of the needed confirmation.

 

You're entertaining her, giving her attention. What's not to love?

 

Many people will tell you how attractive you are, but unless you're being while you're in their bed.. they're stroking your ego to prompt you into feeding your ego.

 

You're in the back burner.

 

You're good enough to be there when she's feeling ugly or whatever, only to have her kiss you good-night on the cheek and then the guy(s) she really want step up and bang her.

 

You are her white knight.

 

Move on.

[ScottSummers]

She's not banging you. That's all of the needed confirmation.

 

You're entertaining her, giving her attention. What's not to love?

 

Many people will tell you how attractive you are, but unless you're being while you're in their bed.. they're stroking your ego to prompt you into feeding your ego.

 

You're in the back burner.

 

You're good enough to be there when she's feeling ugly or whatever, only to have her kiss you good-night on the cheek and then the guy(s) she really want step up and bang her.

 

You are her white knight.

 

Move on.

 

 

I've thought this as well, the only thing that makes me think otherwise is because when we fooled around she wanted to have sex but I didn't bring a condom.

[goldenboy7115]

Let her decide the time she wants to get together. For me, if I knew a girl just got out of a 4 year relationship, I wouldn't even bother. She needs time by herself, time to think. She's going to be thinking of her ex, regrets, past plans, all the things that hit the crapper when it was over. Relax, give her space. Don't communicate with her for a while and see if she gets a hold of you. Breathe

[bluenightowl]

Let her decide the time she wants to get together. For me, if I knew a girl just got out of a 4 year relationship, I wouldn't even bother. She needs time by herself, time to think. She's going to be thinking of her ex, regrets, past plans, all the things that hit the crapper when it was over. Relax, give her space. Don't communicate with her for a while and see if she gets a hold of you. Breathe

 

I think this is good advice. I was in almost the same situation as you once, and she practically said the same thing.

 

As another poster mentioned to you, I went slow, but then she started going faster and so did I, then she went cold and thought it was too much, too soon.

 

If she is just out of a 4 year relationship she definitely needs space to breath. One thing you might try. I never did, but wish I had is just to say, I really like you, but I think its better if we take a break for now so you have time for yourself and sort out what you want.

 

Now she can decide when to contact you, you can move on with your life, date other people, and the option is open for her to come back to you when she is ready. Also keep in mind, dating a rebounder (and she is a rebounder) is not fun and you're experiencing the tip of what might be to come if you get into a relationship with her now.

 

Be prepared that she might just go out and have sex with lots of guys, who knows anything is possible, but if you are looking for a Long term relationship its good to get out now.

[bluenightowl]

She's not banging you. That's all of the needed confirmation.

 

You're entertaining her, giving her attention. What's not to love?

 

Many people will tell you how attractive you are, but unless you're being while you're in their bed.. they're stroking your ego to prompt you into feeding your ego.

 

You're in the back burner.

 

You're good enough to be there when she's feeling ugly or whatever, only to have her kiss you good-night on the cheek and then the guy(s) she really want step up and bang her.

 

You are her white knight.

 

Move on.

 

The move on part I agree with (see other post), but she's messed up period. Its nothing to do with banging anyone or not and he already 'fooled around' with her so its just she needs space. Nothing to do with him at all, but he shouldn't wait for her either.

[Professor X]

I just had to write something here.

[lino]

You were used as a means for her to get over her recent relationship. Seen it many times before and had it done to me a few times too.

 

Unless she's a really good friend I'd shut her out... But then again friends don't use each other like that!

 

If you have the conscience for it, try get some sex out of it but DON'T try to make her your girlfriend or treat her as one!

[whichwayisup]

I started talking to this girl again, she was an old friend. We really hit it off and hung out a few times. She recently got out of a four year relationship and its only been a few months. We were going on a lot of dates and things were great, tons of things in common, she told me how awesome and attractive she thought I was. She basically pushed the pace of everything and I normally take things WAY slower, but finally kinda gave in and didn't hold back anymore. Then out of nowhere she said she wanted to slow things down. So I agreed with her, but now I haven't seen her in over a month. We talk everyday either on facebook chat (sometimes for hours) or via text. The other night she finally told me that things kind of got serious really fast between the two of us and it kind of scared her and that's why she backed off. I never pressured her to be my girlfriend or anything like that and I still haven't. I have said to her a few times, that we should get together and she says "I think we should" but then whenever i ask her out she said she already has plans and doesn't try and plan another time with me. Yet, we continue to talk everyday. Should I take the hint and give up? Or should I respect the fact that shes recently out of a break up and needs more time? We did fool around, but we didn't have sex.. so i don't think im a rebound or anything like that.

 

Back off and stop talking to her everyday. You're in the friend zone and also, fact here -- When she agrees, you two should get together, yet each time you ask her out to do something, she is busy, IS her way of letting you know that she isn't into you. If she was, she'd make the time and effort to see you, instead it's just so easy to pop on facebook or text with you. Time to detach and not talk to her so much, let her miss you, see what happens.

[ScottSummers]

Thank's for the advice everyone, I've seriously thought of everything you guys have said already. It's just hard to come to a conclusion or maybe I don't want to. I've thought I'm in the "friend zone" and I've thought maybe I'm just being a rebound relationship. I'm happy to report I didn't cave in and text her at all today. She sent me a face book message with a funny link a few hours ago and I didn't answer. So we'll see how things go tomorrow, if she tries to contact me or not. Argh, I kinda hate these games.

[bluenightowl]

Thank's for the advice everyone, I've seriously thought of everything you guys have said already. It's just hard to come to a conclusion or maybe I don't want to. I've thought I'm in the "friend zone" and I've thought maybe I'm just being a rebound relationship. I'm happy to report I didn't cave in and text her at all today. She sent me a face book message with a funny link a few hours ago and I didn't answer. So we'll see how things go tomorrow, if she tries to contact me or not. Argh, I kinda hate these games.

 

One thing to learn regardless of whether you are being used as rebound or she needs space, whatever, is to just back off. People have the tendency to try harder and it will fix it, but in relationships and attraction dynamics its sometimes better to play it cool, and let her come to you because it gives her a chance to think you might leave, so she might miss you. If she starts to feel like that, she might want to be with you eventually.

 

I don't think its over, but get busy with your own life and let her chase you a bit.

[Ayla]

I'll second everything BluenightOwl says...he and I are in a similar position (I think).

 

The one thing that you must realise is that people who have just recently split with the ex, and who are still getting over that - don't know what they want.

 

I think she likes you - but is in that "I don't know what I want phase"...so instead of being with you fully she is going ultra ultra slow. And she will be hot and cold, which is terribly confusing!

 

Can I ask - were you friends before this? If she didn't like you, knowing that you like her - I think that she would not contact you at all..as she would not want to play with you or intentionally hurt you.

 

I do agree that you need to back off a little, and let her make some of the moves/contact, she needs to know that you might not always be there.

 

it is really tough, and scary and confusing all at once. The best advice I have been given by a friend of the guy I like - have no expectations, especially when they don't know what they want. I tend to agree - because he/she doesn't know what she wants...how can you. Take each day as it comes.

[Elysian Powder]

The move on part I agree with (see other post), but she's messed up period. Its nothing to do with banging anyone or not and he already 'fooled around' with her so its just she needs space. Nothing to do with him at all, but he shouldn't wait for her either.

 

Or, she realized that the OP is good relationship material, is stalling him while she ''heals'' her emotional scars and meanwhile, she's sleeping with other guys. Happens all the time. Guys do the same.

[taintted]

I would definitely initiate some sort of no contact with her immediately. If she texts you respond but don't respond right away to the initial text. Wait like 45 min to an hour or longer if you want just dont ignore her, make her think she has to work to get your attention. Girls always want what they cant seem to have even though we know they will have it as soon as they get their head right. Another thing is if she does text you keep the responses short and dont carry on the conversation to long. Pretend like your busy but dont say it and be polite about it. Acting like an ******* and full out ignoring her will not get you any brownie points with any woman.

 

This is all the advice i've gotten from a good friend and so far its working because I'm doing this same exact thing to get my ex back, we split last week and since then i've let her initiate all contact at least for now. And she has so far, I'm just working on myself and trying to improve my life. most times i'll let her say the last thing in a text and randomly i'll say the last thing in a text so i dont look predictable. i'm by far no expert and i'm unlearning alot of old dating behaviors that are not correct. its taking a lot of will power and determination on my end.

[bluenightowl]

Or, she realized that the OP is good relationship material, is stalling him while she ''heals'' her emotional scars and meanwhile, she's sleeping with other guys. Happens all the time. Guys do the same.

 

Yes, could be as well, and all the more reason to get away at the moment. It wouldn't make for a great start to a relationship. They are hard enough as it is.

[phineas]

Put the ball in her court, tell her to let you know when she is available and then dont contact her unless she contacts you back

 

THIS!

She is pretty much just using you for attention or she's backburnered you.

[Eddie Edirol]

Let me be straight forward here...take the hint.

 

The reason she was interested in you at first was because you were taking things slow, which means you were new and challeneging to her, unlike her boring and predicatable previous 4 year RL she just got out of. Then you 'gave in', which means you were no longer exciting to her. That's when her interest started to drop. She won't go out with you now because she already knows she can have you if she wants. Another way to look at it is her interest in you has gotten so low it can't be recovered. Of course she'll never tell you this directly, which is why she's telling you that things got way too serisouly to quickly and doesn't counteroffer when you ask her out.

 

Remember, it's better to look at her interest in you, rather than your interest in her.

 

Please, save yourself time and respect by cutting your losses and looking for a new girl. One that's 'really' interested in you. You can do it.

 

Im re-posting this because I think its the most accurate. You killed her challenge, and she wasnt really that into you in the first place, because youre a rebound. Back off, and see if she will work for you. if not, then you know what the deal is.

[Forever Learning]

Im re-posting this because I think its the most accurate. You killed her challenge, and she wasnt really that into you in the first place, because youre a rebound. Back off, and see if she will work for you. if not, then you know what the deal is.

 

Sounds like good advice to me. Good luck.

[bluenightowl]

Im re-posting this because I think its the most accurate. You killed her challenge, and she wasnt really that into you in the first place, because youre a rebound. Back off, and see if she will work for you. if not, then you know what the deal is.

 

Yes, also likely true. I've also found women who really like you, you can almost do no wrong. Women that are not that into you, you have to play it cool to spark her interest, but if she is rebounder, which she sounds like, she's not going to have a clue what she wants. They are always hot and cold, and it messes you up, even more so when is super hot.

 

Best to get out now before you fall in love with her. I've personally found its the aloof woman I fall for the most easily because she makes me confuse my anxiety with feelings of love or something life that..

 

But if you leave with your dignity, you might have a chance later, but anything you do for her now will likely push her away further.

[ScottSummers]

Haven't talked to her all day, then just got a text saying "Hey stranger!" Ughhhh