bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Let's say you are looking for a LTR as a woman. You are dating lots of guys. These days with OLD people are moving quite fast towards sex. As a woman, if you were dating several guys, and one guy got to the point of sex with you, would you generally go exclusive with him? The point here is that we talk about taking our time to get to know someone to see if we really are right for one another, but for many men and woman there is always this sense that if you don't get them in bed by date X, someone else will. Now with OLD getting to the point of getting in bed with someone can happen fairly quickly.
Yellow_Duck'y Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I never multi-dated so not much experience there. I have had several men show an interest in me, at the same time (i.e. asking me out, flirting, etc.) but I've only dated one person at a time. If we become intimate at some point, I assume we are only dating each other and not dating other people.
sm1tten Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 As a woman, if you were dating several guys, and one guy got to the point of sex with you, would you generally go exclusive with him? It would depend on why it happened. There's a difference between, "I was feeling this guy a little bit more than the other but tonight he really impressed me and I now like him way more] and "Eh, why not?" In general I am more likely to go exclusive with the one I slept with, but that's because in general I already like him more than the others/enough to consider dating just him. But not always.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Let's say you are looking for a LTR as a woman. You are dating lots of guys. These days with OLD people are moving quite fast towards sex. As a woman, if you were dating several guys, and one guy got to the point of sex with you, would you generally go exclusive with him? The point here is that we talk about taking our time to get to know someone to see if we really are right for one another, but for many men and woman there is always this sense that if you don't get them in bed by date X, someone else will. Now with OLD getting to the point of getting in bed with someone can happen fairly quickly. Bluenightowl, for the right person, it won't matter when you "get them into bed". There should be a natural flow in a good healthy relationship that doesn't need to be dictated by time scales. If someone feels they *need* to sleep with someone on the third date or else the possibility of a relationships is going to fly out the door, I think that's usually because there is nothing else to build the relationship on then just sex. I have gone out with men that a relationship seemed possible with but as we dated, it just kind of went flat. There wasn't a natural flow. The connection we felt at the begining just came to a halt. Basically because we just weren't compatible. It wasn't because we didn't sleep with each other. It was becaue a relatoinship between us just wasn't right. Now, if I had selpt with them, the relatoinship might have lasted longer because of the mutual pleasure of sex, but there would have been no real foundation for an actual connection and the lust and passion of sex would have just acted as a mirage. There needs to be a steady flow of building a relationship with each other. And that flow can go at different paces. But as long as your building a relationship together as you go along, it shouldn't matter how soon or how long it takes you to sleep with someone. You have to determine what is right for you. I'm not sure from which viewpoint your asking this from. Are you a woman or a man?
Casablanca Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I never multi-dated so not much experience there. I have had several men show an interest in me' date=' at the same time (i.e. asking me out, flirting, etc.) but I've only dated one person at a time. If we become intimate at some point, [b']I assume we are only dating each other and not dating other people.[/b] I'd be careful about assuming that...not every guy is gonna see it that way, so it is best to bring up exclusivity
Author bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Bluenightowl, for the right person, it won't matter when you "get them into bed". There should be a natural flow in a good healthy relationship that doesn't need to be dictated by time scales. If someone feels they *need* to sleep with someone on the third date or else the possibility of a relationships is going to fly out the door, I think that's usually because there is nothing else to build the relationship on then just sex. I have gone out with men that a relationship seemed possible with but as we dated, it just kind of went flat. There wasn't a natural flow. The connection we felt at the begining just came to a halt. Basically because we just weren't compatible. It wasn't because we didn't sleep with each other. It was becaue a relatoinship between us just wasn't right. Now, if I had selpt with them, the relatoinship might have lasted longer because of the mutual pleasure of sex, but there would have been no real foundation for an actual connection and the lust and passion of sex would have just acted as a mirage. There needs to be a steady flow of building a relationship with each other. And that flow can go at different paces. But as long as your building a relationship together as you go along, it shouldn't matter how soon or how long it takes you to sleep with someone. You have to determine what is right for you. I'm not sure from which viewpoint your asking this from. Are you a woman or a man? I'm a man. I agree with you about the natural flow, although my sense is holding off on sex leads to better relationships.
Yellow_Duck'y Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'd be careful about assuming that...not every guy is gonna see it that way, so it is best to bring up exclusivity I appreciate that, and you're right. For my long term relationship I never asked about exclusivity we just became boyfriend/girlfriend naturally. I have been burned in the past assuming, and then seeing/finding out we were not on the same page and it effected my ability to trust afterwards, because I trusted that we were on the same page. It hurt, but I dove in to fast, what can I say? **shrugs**
thatone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Let's say you are looking for a LTR as a woman. You are dating lots of guys. the two are mutually exclusive, imo.
SierraRose Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I never multi-dated so not much experience there. I have had several men show an interest in me' date=' at the same time (i.e. asking me out, flirting, etc.) but I've only dated one person at a time. If we become intimate at some point, I assume we are only dating each other and not dating other people.[/quote'] Ditto:bunny::bunny::bunny:
denise_xo Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I've never multidated much, but in general I never assume anything. IME, the fact that a man moves towards sex does not necessarily imply exclusivity or commitment (although it can). People are individuals and you just have to communicate expectations honestly and see how people respond, I think.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 the two are mutually exclusive, imo. I'll play devils advocate and say why? Lots of people date 1-3 times before narrowing things down and find fabulous LTR
TuffCookieX Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 This topic was brought up on the XM radio station I was listening to on Thursday. A guy was out with his friend to dinner and next to him was this girl he was currently dating... on another date. In the twenty-first century, we should not assume exclusivity until it has been discussed. I multi-date quite a bit and have slept with one or two of the men, but since I had not been titled as a "girlfriend" to anyone, my status was still "single". It takes two to communicate, if no guy ever asked me to settle and be exclusive, then I don't. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Author bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 This topic was brought up on the XM radio station I was listening to on Thursday. A guy was out with his friend to dinner and next to him was this girl he was currently dating... on another date. In the twenty-first century, we should not assume exclusivity until it has been discussed. I multi-date quite a bit and have slept with one or two of the men, but since I had not been titled as a "girlfriend" to anyone, my status was still "single". It takes two to communicate, if no guy ever asked me to settle and be exclusive, then I don't. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." It does take two to communicate so why are you waiting for him to do the communicating? Don't you like any of these guys you had sex with enough to talk about it? or are you happy to get a STD and sit in the next booth while he dates your friends? Not trying to be harsh, but to make the point clear.
Cypress25 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Let's say you are looking for a LTR as a woman. You are dating lots of guys. These days with OLD people are moving quite fast towards sex. Lots of guys? Most women who are looking for a relationship don't date lots of guys at once. Maybe two or three guys, at most. Women who date lots of guys at once are probably not looking for a relationship anyway. They just want to date around casually. As a woman, if you were dating several guys, and one guy got to the point of sex with you, would you generally go exclusive with him? Well, you know my stance on this. For me, sex doesn't happen until we're already in an exclusive relationship. For people who are more casual about sex, I have no idea how they work it out. The point here is that we talk about taking our time to get to know someone to see if we really are right for one another, but for many men and woman there is always this sense that if you don't get them in bed by date X, someone else will. That's a terrible way to approach dating. It shouldn't be a race to have sex as soon as possible. And if you haven't discussed this with your partner, you have no idea how many other people they're dating. For all you know, she may not be dating anyone else. But you're freaking out because you assume she must be dating several other guys. If she's content to take things slow with you, then she's probably not the type to jump into bed with anyone. Now with OLD getting to the point of getting in bed with someone can happen fairly quickly. Having sex too soon is always a mistake, and usually results in someone getting hurt. Now I have to ask. What the hell is OLD?
Author bluenightowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Having sex too soon is always a mistake, and usually results in someone getting hurt. Now I have to ask. What the hell is OLD? Great answers for someone who didn't understand the CORE acronym OLD - Online Dating - at least that's what I've seen posed around here. Most of the dating lingo I don't get as well so you're not alone.
Cypress25 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 What does online dating have to do with having sex too soon? I do online dating but I don't have sex early in the dating process.
thatone Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I'll play devils advocate and say why? Lots of people date 1-3 times before narrowing things down and find fabulous LTR I never multi-dated so not much experience there. I have had several men show an interest in me' date=' at the same time (i.e. asking me out, flirting, etc.) but I've only dated one person at a time. If we become intimate at some point, I assume we are only dating each other and not dating other people.[/quote'] ^ that pretty much sums it up.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 What does online dating have to do with having sex too soon? I do online dating but I don't have sex early in the dating process. I believe when people online date if is not uncommon to have sex early in the dating process. I think you are the exception.
simpsonic Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I believe when people online date if is not uncommon to have sex early in the dating process. I think you are the exception. I agree. I think with online dating, people tend to go by "The Rules" more so than dating IRL. From my experiences, when I met a guy IRL, I never worried about whether I should do so-and-so on second date or else he'd bolt...things like that. When I'm online dating, I do have those kinds of thoughts. It's like with online dating it's like a smorgasbord and people like to sample, so to speak.
sm1tten Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I approach dating the same way irregardless of whether I met the guy on a site or in line at the grocery store. I know that everyone doesn't, though, but I think multi-dating is more common online because you are encountering or finding more people at once than what is the norm. Sex probably happens earlier because people think they "know" each other based on profiles and emails exchanged compounded by physical chemistry and maybe alcohol, whereas IRL I think most people are aware that this is still a stranger (unless compromised by that damned physical attraction and alcohol).
Author bluenightowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 I approach dating the same way irregardless of whether I met the guy on a site or in line at the grocery store. I know that everyone doesn't, though, but I think multi-dating is more common online because you are encountering or finding more people at once than what is the norm. Sex probably happens earlier because people think they "know" each other based on profiles and emails exchanged compounded by physical chemistry and maybe alcohol, whereas IRL I think most people are aware that this is still a stranger (unless compromised by that damned physical attraction and alcohol). True and if you're finding more people at once whom you feel you "know", the sex is likely happen faster and with it likely exclusivity.
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