Can't seem to move on

[visualbasicide]

It is in the past but it does matter. It matters to you and your feelings on it all are very valid. If you are asking the question you probably already know the answer and just wanted confirmation. If I could afford therapy I would be there in a new york minute because I know it would do me more good than I can manage on my own.

[Graceful]

Yeah, I hit raw nerves all the time ... but people thank me for it.

 

Did I say you were responsible for 50% of the relationship failing? Nope.

 

That's not what I said. I said you were (and are and always will be) responsible for your 50% of the relationship PERIOD. Unless you are there all by yourself ... just kiddin', but you see what I mean? Two people, you own your share. But that's different than implying you were responsible for it failing -- you were responsible for allowing what you allowed. Big diff.

 

Of course he had you tripping over yourself to please him, and had you tied up in knots. You see that NOW. But you didn't THEN because he got you so wrapped up in a whirlwind relationship. But if you go back and read my original post to you, you will see what I said: he did move too fast, and that's because of his own selfish motives. Anyone who cared about you would have slowed down, respected your need to take things slowly, it's your first relationship, and didn't want to overwhelm you.

 

Anyone normal would say --- you're worth the wait. Bingo. Concisely.

 

What you're not getting (and yes, I will make my point for you one more time because I just want to help you, I really do) is that nothing is really "in the past" -- your life is your life in entirety. Your past follows you around. Your past creates your future. Your past is your history. It isn't going anywhere, it isn't dropping off the face of the earth, even if you wish it would.

 

So saying,"it's all in the past" and "none of it matters" scares the ever lovin insides outta me. It's just not true.

 

It does matter. It matters because you need to understand why you tried over and over and OVER to make it work with a man who shared NONE, and I said, NONE of your values. Not even one!

 

You either had no self-esteem going into the relationship or he took what little you had and buried it.

 

So now, you need to dig it up one way or another, re-build it, get a sense of who you are and what you want, heal and proceed to a healthy prospect for yourself. Counseling is the path to this. Try to do it alone or "suck it up" thinking that you know how is a bit brazen and impudent for someone like you.

 

Graceful, your words are tough, but true. I am closer and closer to picking up the phone and calling a therapist. I have been losing control and getting choked up in public. I know I need help.

 

I did set boundaries when we were together, he just never compromised. Either way, he moved too fast and I moved too slow. But, my belief is that if he had truly loved me he would've waited. Just because I didn't do what he wanted, he began to have doubts about us.

 

I know I am just venting. It's all in the past now. None of it matters. What matters is for me to get better and learn how to be a better person. Possibly avoiding another disaster.

 

Yes, yes and yes. What matters is for you to get better. And how do you intend to do that? Does a man leave a broken arm to heal on its own, or does he get the bone set so it will heal properly? Do we get the flu and go outside into the cold air to get better, or do we stay in, get to bed, sleep and nurture ourselves back to health? Do we take a broken heart, pretend it's all okay, and go back out and date only to find that it's still broken on the inside, vulnerable, just waiting to be taken advantage of again by the next sweet talker to come along??

 

Your choice. All my best -- that's what I want for you -- the best in healing and learning, so you can go out and grab some happiness for yourself.

Peace and friendship -- Grace.

[visualbasicide]

Listen to grace, she is a relationship ninja. All very good advice.

[stillhurt]

Well, the thing is that I think I also have to be fair. The man did try for almost 2 years. And, he did try to be a good boyfriend in most ways. But, he started withdrawing himself emotionally a year in and even admitted it at one point. He said "and whose fault do you think that is?" It's like he was going through the motions of what he thought was right, but his heart wasn't in it. He would take me out, buy presents, cook, etc., but it was like in a detached sort of way. That sucked for me. I would ask what's wrong and he just wouldn't open up. If he did he would just end up so pissed that I got pissed too. It always came back to my family and how he felt that I couldn't make any decisions without thinking about them. Like I said, I come from a conservative background and I almost never slept over. It drove him nuts. But, I did start the last couple of months of our relationship and it didn't help. I told him that I will just move in when the time was right, but he always just got upset when I said that. I think he didn't really care about that, it was just a thing he wanted to use to prove that I "listen" to my parents at my grand old age.

 

He never understood that I just didn't feel that he was really there for me. One day he would be passionate, the next pissed. That was what made me hesitate. How was I supposed to feel comfortable moving in with someone who was not emotionally available? And, then be blamed for not jumping into the relationship head first?

 

Truth is, I loved the guy deeply, but just didn't show it the way he wanted. He was my first everything. And, he was very romantic for most of our relationship.

 

In the end he said that he felt like I was never his. Like I was just some girl he was seeing. That I had no other identity than this "good girl/daughter" my parents created. I was like...well...actually...that's me. Guess he just found that boring. He said that if he had come home one day and just found me moved in, who knows where we would be now. But, he never understood that it came from his actions towards me. I was scared because he was so inconsistent and I told him so! It had absolutely nothing to do with my folks. They weren't easy about the whole thing, but even they got fed up with him and just told me to move in to shut him up. I tried to communicate how I felt all the time, but he would just sit there. He told me that the only way we would have a chance is if I would act as bad as I wanted to. Like throw caution to the wind kind of deal, not think about how my parents would feel. And, I would be like...uhh....no. It's about how I feel. He never got it.

 

I guess I am just confused about how it all went down. I am sad because I do feel that I failed in being brave and showing him how much I cared. And, because of that, I lost him. He didn't wait around for me. I often wonder, if only I had been brave, would we be living our dreams of our future by now? Or am I just a fool that got played? That he is saying all these things only to justify why he wanted to dump me. That all it really is was that he got bored.

 

And, the aftermath of the breakup just shows how ugly people can get once a promise is broken. It's like, "oh...well...I guess I can just be a total a-hole now! Let me just stab her a couple more times."

 

I know I am writing a lot, but it does seem to be helping me. Thank you again. And, don't be soft on me. Let me hear it!

[stillhurt]

By the way Grace,

 

"Try to do it alone or "suck it up" thinking that you know how is a bit brazen and impudent for someone like you."

 

LMAO! Hey! I can't afford therapy! I definitely agree that my self-esteem got hurt bad and I am trying to rebuild it now. I figure I have to first fix my heart.

[visualbasicide]

Well, the thing is that I think I also have to be fair. The man did try for almost 2 years. And, he did try to be a good boyfriend in most ways. But, he started withdrawing himself emotionally a year in and even admitted it at one point. He said "and whose fault do you think that is?" It's like he was going through the motions of what he thought was right, but his heart wasn't in it. He would take me out, buy presents, cook, etc., but it was like in a detached sort of way. That sucked for me. I would ask what's wrong and he just wouldn't open up. If he did he would just end up so pissed that I got pissed too. It always came back to my family and how he felt that I couldn't make any decisions without thinking about them. Like I said, I come from a conservative background and I almost never slept over. It drove him nuts. But, I did start the last couple of months of our relationship and it didn't help. I told him that I will just move in when the time was right, but he always just got upset when I said that. I think he didn't really care about that, it was just a thing he wanted to use to prove that I "listen" to my parents at my grand old age.

 

He never understood that I just didn't feel that he was really there for me. One day he would be passionate, the next pissed. That was what made me hesitate. How was I supposed to feel comfortable moving in with someone who was not emotionally available? And, then be blamed for not jumping into the relationship head first?

 

Truth is, I loved the guy deeply, but just didn't show it the way he wanted. He was my first everything. And, he was very romantic for most of our relationship.

 

In the end he said that he felt like I was never his. Like I was just some girl he was seeing. That I had no other identity than this "good girl/daughter" my parents created. I was like...well...actually...that's me. Guess he just found that boring. He said that if he had come home one day and just found me moved in, who knows where we would be now. But, he never understood that it came from his actions towards me. I was scared because he was so inconsistent and I told him so! It had absolutely nothing to do with my folks. They weren't easy about the whole thing, but even they got fed up with him and just told me to move in to shut him up. I tried to communicate how I felt all the time, but he would just sit there. He told me that the only way we would have a chance is if I would act as bad as I wanted to. Like throw caution to the wind kind of deal, not think about how my parents would feel. And, I would be like...uhh....no. It's about how I feel. He never got it.

 

I guess I am just confused about how it all went down. I am sad because I do feel that I failed in being brave and showing him how much I cared. And, because of that, I lost him. He didn't wait around for me. I often wonder, if only I had been brave, would we be living our dreams of our future by now? Or am I just a fool that got played? That he is saying all these things only to justify why he wanted to dump me. That all it really is was that he got bored.

 

And, the aftermath of the breakup just shows how ugly people can get once a promise is broken. It's like, "oh...well...I guess I can just be a total a-hole now! Let me just stab her a couple more times."

 

I know I am writing a lot, but it does seem to be helping me. Thank you again. And, don't be soft on me. Let me hear it!

 

From what I can see you two have totally different personality types, this can go either way.

 

Sometimes you two balance each other out, the conservative one learns to take a few risks, the adventurous one calms down and there is a harmony. Me and my ex were like this at one time, eventually I think we became polar opposites of what we started out as and she took the ultimate risk that ended our relationship.

 

Then you have the other side where there is no compromise or balance and it just doesn't work. The differences are too much and it just wouldn't be good for either partner, this to me sounds like you two. It isn't that one or the other was wrong per se, you just have your own limits and they are too great for the other.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you would have ended up any better off than you are right now, probably worse eventually and have lots of wasted time and potential in between. There is nothing wrong with the "Good girls" of the world, you just have to find the "Good guys" because anyone else will take advantage of you sooner or later. Seems like this is what happened between you two, not that I don't doubt his effort, but it was obviously not what either of you wanted in the long run and was probably for the best.

 

Doesn't mean you didn't love each other, or didn't do all you really could have, this self blaming thing is natural early on and many of us have gone through it as well, myself included. A time will come when you see everything without the "hurt" blinders on and see it for what it was. A good and bad time of your past.

 

Don't worry about the long posts, it does help, I rant myself every now and again about whatever topic, lol. Usually when I'm trying to prove some concept (or misconception) and I drag up my past to do it. Write pages and pages if it help you assess, analyze and accept the situation. It's good therapy.

 

Bottom line is don't beat yourself up, he wanted to much of you too fast and you were right to set your own boundaries, since you were part of the relationship. In retrospect, you will find that we all are who we are (or were at any rate) and there isn't a thing we could have done differently without someone being dishonest, with their partner, or themselves.

 

Hang in there and don't lose focus, keep one foot in front of the other and you will come out of this a wiser and stronger person because of it.

[windmask]

i read your story am new to this site and i just posted my story its called "introducing my Fu$ked up break up" read it lol.

 

now regarding your story well listen its very difficult getting over someone people can be such users. it was ur first true relationship ur bound to hurt like hell ive just been through that myself. but you know even if you tried you wouldnt be able to get him back right now.

 

i suggest give it some time like few months focus on work and try moving on each time u remember him picture the bad times u guys had or the bad things he said. u need to move on too he got a new gf after a month clearly tells u that he didnt love u like u loved him...hes an ******* so stop thinking about him.

 

from the posts ive read i feel the people that get dumped including me are usually people so wonderful and have a really big heart. you shouldnt be selfish let him be maybe theres something better out there for u and u wont get it until u let this go.

 

life surprises us when we dont expect it to. the other day i read this article called "everything happens for a reason" it was well written.

 

anyhows am writing to much so ill stop please look after yourself bye for now. and read the article if u like heres the link:http://www.enotalone.com/article/4539.html

[visualbasicide]

I have an article about that too, I wrote it

lol, not to play devils advocate but everyone should have all the information they need to make an informed choice on things

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295982/

[stillhurt]

Thank you. I am trying to hang in there. Hopefully, a day will come where I don't feel like crying when I think about them.

 

I also thought that we would be able to balance each other out with our personalities. I am a practical person and I took the biggest risk when I chose him and he knows that. I wanted to be with someone that had a normal schedule, not no schedule! If we had started a family, I would've been raising the kid by myself more than 1/2 the time! A guy from a strong family...nope...didn't get that either. In fact, he can't stand his own mother! Anyway, I compromised and took a lot of chances. Once we committed to each other I told him I will never complain about his schedule again and that I trusted him implicitly when he was on the road. And, I kept my word.

 

In the last month of our relationship he actually said that he gets tempted on the road. I didn't mention this before, but in his previous relationship, he was tempted on the road too and actually (according to him) began flirting with that person. Nothing else. He ignored his then girlfriend's phone calls just to see where the whole thing would go. She broke up with him. And, he started a relationship with the woman he flirted with. These were all things that made me hesitate about him. I think he has this tendency to want to wander. It's like he wants to be in a relationship, but when things are not going his way, he just looks for a way out. That always made me hold back.

 

And, he proved it didn't he? To this day, he has not told this new girl about his little indiscretion with me and how he still tried to get me in bed for weeks after the incident. She is traveling all over with him on his little work trips. Having a great time. I feel bad for her. They have been together for 1/2 year by now. Makes me sad to think about it. But, I always have to remind myself that if he can hold that lie in, he could do it with me too. He always said that he was as honest as you can get....but he has proven that he's just a bullsh@#$%er! I don't think he loved me, more like he was infatuated with me in the beginning. He doesn't really know what love is, if he did, he would've compromised and none of this would've happened. It's not our personalities. It's love or no love. That's my take on it.

[visualbasicide]

Thank you. I am trying to hang in there. Hopefully, a day will come where I don't feel like crying when I think about them.

 

I also thought that we would be able to balance each other out with our personalities. I am a practical person and I took the biggest risk when I chose him and he knows that. I wanted to be with someone that had a normal schedule, not no schedule! If we had started a family, I would've been raising the kid by myself more than 1/2 the time! A guy from a strong family...nope...didn't get that either. In fact, he can't stand his own mother! Anyway, I compromised and took a lot of chances. Once we committed to each other I told him I will never complain about his schedule again and that I trusted him implicitly when he was on the road. And, I kept my word.

 

In the last month of our relationship he actually said that he gets tempted on the road. I didn't mention this before, but in his previous relationship, he was tempted on the road too and actually (according to him) began flirting with that person. Nothing else. He ignored his then girlfriend's phone calls just to see where the whole thing would go. She broke up with him. And, he started a relationship with the woman he flirted with. These were all things that made me hesitate about him. I think he has this tendency to want to wander. It's like he wants to be in a relationship, but when things are not going his way, he just looks for a way out. That always made me hold back.

 

And, he proved it didn't he? To this day, he has not told this new girl about his little indiscretion with me and how he still tried to get me in bed for weeks after the incident. She is traveling all over with him on his little work trips. Having a great time. I feel bad for her. They have been together for 1/2 year by now. Makes me sad to think about it. But, I always have to remind myself that if he can hold that lie in, he could do it with me too. He always said that he was as honest as you can get....but he has proven that he's just a bullsh@#$%er! I don't think he loved me, more like he was infatuated with me in the beginning. He doesn't really know what love is, if he did, he would've compromised and none of this would've happened. It's not our personalities. It's love or no love. That's my take on it.

 

Thatta girl! lol. man, reminds me of, well me when I get pissed about it all.

You are absolutely right of course. I didn't get the whole back story the first few times around. I don't know. I have been like both of you before in many respects. Honestly I have found my own medium, I keep a rough outline of a schedule and kinda make the rest up as I go along. In my own relationship I had a step daughter. I was allowed to take care of her and be all the things a father should be, but I had really no say so in how she behaved most of the time so it made me distant to her in a way. If I couldn't have any responsibility in the beginning I didn't want to be to blame how she ended up. Also means I didn't have squat for visitation rights when it ended and never got to say goodbye. bleh. enough.

 

The moral of the story is you have to get mad, and hurt and everything in between and find out who you are right now and then figure out who you want to be in the future and work towards it. Everything you said above rings true and it sounds like you have many of the answers to your own questions, which is all very good.

 

If we don't understand what happened, we will be sure to make the same mistake again. Nothing any of us wants. You keep on fighting the good fight and when you feel doubt, answer your own questions again. Accept that you cared and that it was ok. Anything less would have been false anyway and wouldn't have worked out any better.

 

whenever something triggers your emotions, you just come post it or keep your own journal. stay active and do the things in life that make you happy. when the dust settles you will be someone you like to see in the mirror and wont regret it.

[Graceful]

By the way Grace,

 

"Try to do it alone or "suck it up" thinking that you know how is a bit brazen and impudent for someone like you."

 

LMAO! Hey! I can't afford therapy! I definitely agree that my self-esteem got hurt bad and I am trying to rebuild it now. I figure I have to first fix my heart.

Well, I call them like I see them, and I mean what I say. It's good to get your thoughts off your chest, and you seem to be allowing your anger to show, but to be honest, it's not enough.

 

You don't have health insurance? If you do, your mental health coverage would be a co-pay. Not sure if you have that type of coverage, but you might want to check.

 

You do need to allow your anger to come out. But you also need to let it go at some point, and not allow it to hinder you. I won't harp any more, I've already given you my feedback. The man you were with was very controlling, manipulative and selfish. Under the guise of caring for you, all he really wanted was someone he could push around and do what he wanted. He disrespected you and insulted you for who you were. You fell for him and fell under his spell.

 

But to be fair ... there is no fair. He treated you like a door mat in the long run. So to be fair, it's time to admit he didn't make you very happy for a large percentage of the relationship. He didn't, did he? That's the bottom line, love notwithstanding.

 

And you still don't know what you need and want out of a relationship. You don't. And that needs to be the take away at some point, because after a while, bashing this man will just start to be redundant (not that he doesn't deserve to be bashed, believe me!) Take care.

[ChelleBelle]

Hello Stillhurt,

 

I too, am trying to come to terms with the break up of a 2 yr relationship. no one else was involved and to be fair, we are both hurting like hell. I am struggling and he is too.

 

I have gone to councelling in the past when my marriage broke up (my husband cheated one me). I was in a dark place, taking tablets to sleep, tablets to wake up, anti depressants, suicidal thoughts, complete loss of self worth. Councelling pulled me through and I am happy to say that the next relationship I had was the 2 yr relationship which has just ended.

Even though this recent relationship has sadly failed, I am so pleased with the fact that I was about to still give love, show emotional commitement and loose all the baggage, self doubt and garbage that may have filled my head entering this recent relationship. So I feel proud of myself for that.

 

Do I need councelling now? Well it wouldn't do any harm to get everything back into the correct jam jars but I think I probably won't. The lessons I learnt about myself when I went to councelling are always with me. Strangely, enough I do think my X does needa councelling, as he brought baggage from his previous relationship into our relationship, which actually ended up being the issue for the break up. I am heart broken but in a good place.

 

Graceful has given me some sound advise on how to handle my breakup and has a hard but truth propspective on things for me.

 

I am refusing to see my X. If I see him, i would probably crumble and end up in bed with him. The sexual chemistry would be too strong. Don't feel bad about sleeping with him. I think alot of us in the throws of a break up would do the same. Emotions run high when relationships are running down and falling apart. You had 2 yrs with your guy too. He must have loved you for all the right reasons at one stage, or else he wouldn't have stuck around. Yes, he slept with u when he was with another gf. Morally this is not good but I can see how this happened between u both. U seemed to have discussed things about yr relationship at quite a deep level, so again there must have been a strong connection between u.

 

I am all for letting go, taking the positive aspects from the relationship and moving on. It is what it is. Try to heal yourself and be kind and generous to the relationship that has just ended. It is worthy of the love lost and the time you spent with him and now that chapter of your book is closed.

[stillhurt]

Thank you Grace.

 

It already seems redundant in my mind. I have been trying to let go of my anger at him for awhile now.

 

I know what I want in my future relationships. It's very simple. It's what I have always wanted and never got. I just want to know that the person will be there for me no matter what, because I will be there for him. That to me is real love. Of course we are talking about a healthy relationship here. Not an abusive one! It's because I didn't want to be a doormat that I did the most painful thing I ever did in my life which was to turn him away each time he asked to come back. He asked many times when we first broke up. But, I guess by the time I wanted to try again, he already found his next target. It would've been so easy to just go back, even for awhile. I just never thought my decision would be so painful.

 

I am looking for someone who can be supportive of me and my ways, but will also help me grow into a better person. And, hopefully, I can do the same for him. ( I sound like a dating profile....lol)

 

Am I being unrealistic here? Does that even still exist? I just feel that everyone treats relationships like they are disposable these days. Whatever happened to commitment, support and love? It seems like very little people know the meaning...my ex definitely didn't! (Had to jab him one more time)

[visualbasicide]

Thank you Grace.

 

It already seems redundant in my mind. I have been trying to let go of my anger at him for awhile now.

 

I know what I want in my future relationships. It's very simple. It's what I have always wanted and never got. I just want to know that the person will be there for me no matter what, because I will be there for him. That to me is real love. Of course we are talking about a healthy relationship here. Not an abusive one! It's because I didn't want to be a doormat that I did the most painful thing I ever did in my life which was to turn him away each time he asked to come back. He asked many times when we first broke up. But, I guess by the time I wanted to try again, he already found his next target. It would've been so easy to just go back, even for awhile. I just never thought my decision would be so painful.

 

I am looking for someone who can be supportive of me and my ways, but will also help me grow into a better person. And, hopefully, I can do the same for him. ( I sound like a dating profile....lol)

 

Am I being unrealistic here? Does that even still exist? I just feel that everyone treats relationships like they are disposable these days. Whatever happened to commitment, support and love? It seems like very little people know the meaning...my ex definitely didn't! (Had to jab him one more time)

 

Patience they say, is a virtue. Take your time to finish healing and working on yourself, you should be more aware in future relationships of signs that you definitely do not like and will be way ahead of the game. There are still people out there that want the same thing you do. Bide your time and be true to yourself and you will find what you are looking for, have no doubt.

[stillhurt]

ChelleBelle,

 

Thanks for being so understanding about my mistake. It really is something I still feel guilty and weak about. It's true that emotions were high and that's when people lose their reasoning skills. But, I learned. Never see an ex after a break up. NC is the best rule.

[Spices]

It sounds like you may be suffering from Limerence, a serious psychological condition. I'd recommend getting help.

 

Best of luck to you.

[visualbasicide]

It sounds like you may be suffering from Limerence, a serious psychological condition. I'd recommend getting help.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Everyone that goes through this probably suffers from Limerence. Kinda like saying we're all suffering from cell decay.

 

We invested a lot in this and really want to see that we made a good investment even though we can see it isn't going well.

 

many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption, and the renewal of attachment relationships.

 

This sounds like everyone I know that has went through a breakup in a 2+ year relationship and didn't want it to end.

 

You form it, you maintain it, something disrupts it, and the God willing, you get to renew it. Damn right I wished my wife would have loved me instead of some abusive emotionally handicapped irresponsible drunk with a drug problem.

 

Anyways, I am not bashing your theory either, but it seems a little too convenient when it could be applied to nearly everyone that posts here, doesn't mean it's incorrect either...lol. Just saying

[stillhurt]

Well, I agree with visualbasicide. Everyone in a serious relationship probably suffers a little of Limerence. And, I am going to cut myself a little slack here. It was my first relationship. I think it's normal to feel what I'm feeling right now. You love someone and then when that love is rejected you will obsess about it for a bit. And, when they pick someone else...well, that is just enough to make you want to kill yourself. But, hopefully I can let go of it soon. I can only hope.

 

The thing that I am still grappling with is the pain of rejection. The word he said, which he thought were supposed to be helpful, but it was just him adding salt to the wound. "I wanted to date a blonde, so I picked one" WTH (I am a brunette) It's like all the promises and hopes we had when we became together just became hopeless. Everything became so hopeless. I wish he had just kept his mouth shut! There will be a day when those words won't pop up in my head and cause me pain. Soon.

[visualbasicide]

TBH, it will probably still sting, but the good news is it will swap to anger faster than you can bat an eye. The truth of it for me is, what they DID hurts me, HOW they did it pisses me off. It wasn't some mutually tragic event where you can look back and feel only pain because you both cared so much but they had to leave the country to save the life of...etc (or insert your own movie plot here)

 

The fact is that you loved someone and they behaved like a petulant selfish child. As I said, the fact that they did it will sting a bit, but when you can look back at it openly and honestly you will find anger and pity for them. Just hold tight, better days are coming.

[stillhurt]

I definitely swing back between anger and sadness. I feel like I am crazy the way my mood has been. And, I just found out my insurance does not cover therapy.

 

"It wasn't some mutually tragic event where you can look back and feel only pain because you both cared so much but they had to leave the country to save the life of...etc (or insert your own movie plot here)"

 

LOL...my brother said that yesterday! He was like..."it wasn't the freaking Titanic woman!"

[visualbasicide]

Shock/Disbelief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Guilt

Depression

Acceptance/Hope

 

These are the "7 stages" of grief. Expect to cross back and forth on these, you can be on one stage or many, no rules here really but it tends to more or less follow this pattern. You will move forward, you will slide back, but you will progress through it in time.

[stillhurt]

Well, I am definitely going back and forth. And, like I said, I just called my insurance carrier and it's confirmed. I do not have coverage for therapy. I told the guy over the phone... "soooo, am I supposed to fix myself?!"

 

Like I posted in the other thread, I contacted him last night through text and he responded this afternoon. It was a weak moment and I am trying super hard not to reply back. He just feels guilty about how he treated me and wants to be there for me. But, I don't want his pity.

 

Visualbasicide, how did you ever get so wise about relationships? I know you mentioned that you also can't afford therapy. So, how did you reach where you are now?

[visualbasicide]

He just feels guilty about how he treated me and wants to be there for me.

 

He want's you to be ok to assuage his own guilt, nothing more. And no, you don't want his guise of pity. Good for you.

 

Visualbasicide, how did you ever get so wise about relationships? I know you mentioned that you also can't afford therapy. So, how did you reach where you are now?

 

I'm an intelligent retrospective masochist.

 

heh, I have had ample time to reflect on everything that contributed to my own marital demise, have recognized behavior in myself and my ex that led us down the road we traveled, broke about every rule I preach now and learned it all the hard way through trial and error. Wish I would have found this place back when it started

 

Read A LOT about a lot of things along the way too, noticed similarities in how most people react to situations, the people that hurt the worst are the ones that loved the most, the people that shrug it off usually weren't that happy anyway, stayed for convenience (selfish really and hardly love at all) or are more than likely in denial.

 

Pretty much just tried any and everything good or bad that people do to cope and just slowly weeded out what wasn't working and kept anything that was to make my own list of suggestions, granted it isn't a glove fit for everyone but the basics tend to stay the same for most of us as far as everything goes.

 

Figured out rehashing everything sucks, being bitter sucks, trying to stay angry at someone I loved was convoluted and led me around in circles. Had to accept alot of things I didn't want to.

 

Pretty much had to make a mosaic out of the painted glass of my old life. I am hopefully helping other people avoid all the mistakes and negativity that plagued me when I went through it, though I still struggle with it daily myself I am far away from where I was, but just as far from where I want to be too so like everyone else I just take it one day at the time.

[visualbasicide]

I don't know your religious standing but many churches offer counseling, though not all of them are "professionals", they usually make you sign a waver and might not have much more to say than I do but it has a certain accountability/goal orientation to it that has helped alot of people reach their goals. Just an option anyway, take it or leave it, I don't want a debate, lol.

[Coupedriver]

I dont know your beliefs either Stillhurt but Catholic Services offers free counseling...( thats where I am at right now..) There are a few churches in my area that offer it too.I LOVE the 7 stages....Whats cool is I can have ALL 7 at ONCE..In a single minute....!!!! Try driving 18 tons of steel truck and crying your head off while others drivers just kinda weave around you...and STARE.Stillhurt...remember to KEEP all of us close by....WE ARE your support team...( well except me when I am babbling..)...and stay in contact NO matter how small something feels or LET IT OUT...A few people have SAVED me from myself and they dont even know it...I never thought at my age this would EVER happen to me.TAKE UP KICK BOXING girl....!!! Plaster his picture on a punching bag and have it....!!..OK..meds are kicking in..I GET TO SLEEP..!!!!!!!!