betterdeal Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I spent the weekend at a wedding between some old friends. Two of the girls from the original gang were there with their long term partners who were married to someone else when they met. One of those couples is now married and has two children. As for who used to date who, and who's slept with who, it'd take a month of Sunday's to tell that story. But most are now married or engaged, and have children. People get together in all manner of ways.
carhill Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Well we live a city of around 600,000 people so 'seeing him and his ex out and about' is very, very unlikely. There is no secrecy and I don't remember suggesting there was. I don't see it (and nor does he) as his friends or family's business really. If he did happen upon someone he knows when out with his ex I 'm sure he would just say''and this is my ex'... His friends and family are aware we are a couple. His parents live in another city and he doesn't get to see them that much. As I said I don't tend to go on the 'boys nights out' as they are for 'boys! So I don't know ALL of his friends as he only sees some of these people on these nights out My question was prompted by this: "When he meets with his ex they are alone. If he invited her to go out with him and his friends then people would assume they were a couple again and so they meet alone. I am 100% fine with this arrangement. FWIW, where I live is about 1/100 the population of where you all live. I'm an expert at small town social politics
Author softsnow Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 My question was prompted by this: "When he meets with his ex they are alone. If he invited her to go out with him and his friends then people would assume they were a couple again and so they meet alone. I am 100% fine with this arrangement. FWIW, where I live is about 1/100 the population of where you all live. I'm an expert at small town social politics Ok I see. Me and my boyfriend have just had a huge bust up about all this... He's at home tonight as it's Monday and we were talking on the phone and I mentioned jokingly that he was lucky to have such an understanding girlfriend who doesn't mind him being in contact with his ex. He said this: 'You know I haven't contacted her for a month (true) Well if you weren't ok with it then I don't think we could see each other anymore. You couldn't stop me from seeing my friends'. So I said that it sounds as if he's not over her and/or won't be able to commit to me in the future. 'You know I never think about the future' he said and I got mad and hung up. He has called me since and I haven't answered, 'sorry' texts aswell. I think he is just someone who hates being controlled and I just wound him up. He clearly feels sensitive about this and as has actively tried to gradually reduce contact, one month is probably the longest time so far. Should have kept my mouth shut. At least he's now grovelling!
Ebony78 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Should have kept your mouth shut? Yeah, and kept on living in denial! He clearly still has feelings for his ex, his actions today proved that! I'd run while you have the chance...
Author softsnow Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Should have kept your mouth shut? Yeah, and kept on living in denial! He clearly still has feelings for his ex, his actions today proved that! I'd run while you have the chance... He doesn't still have feelings for her! I am sure of it. He told me he wanted tobreak up with her months before he did AND that he noticed me when he was still with her and that's what finally made him do it...I had always joked with him about this. He said he never noticed me until he was single I used to say 'Yeah I bet you did'. It is only now he has admitted it was true. He just feels bad about it as he's a good guy. Really! Not such a huge bust up as he's coming round and he never usually does on a Monday night.
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Ok I see. Me and my boyfriend have just had a huge bust up about all this... He's at home tonight as it's Monday and we were talking on the phone and I mentioned jokingly that he was lucky to have such an understanding girlfriend who doesn't mind him being in contact with his ex. He said this: 'You know I haven't contacted her for a month (true) Well if you weren't ok with it then I don't think we could see each other anymore. You couldn't stop me from seeing my friends'. So I said that it sounds as if he's not over her and/or won't be able to commit to me in the future. 'You know I never think about the future' he said and I got mad and hung up. He has called me since and I haven't answered, 'sorry' texts aswell. I think he is just someone who hates being controlled and I just wound him up. He clearly feels sensitive about this and as has actively tried to gradually reduce contact, one month is probably the longest time so far. Should have kept my mouth shut. At least he's now grovelling! I feel sorry for you because you really and truly seem to be rather out to lunch. How is him 'grovelling' some kind of "win" for you? He admitted that he doesn't even think about the future..........and you're okay with that? He's 35, you're 30 if I recall correctly...........you've been together for 6 months. He was checking you out while he was still with her (what a guy). He's clearly not over his ex and you're just fine with that. What a whole lotta crazy and a whole lotta denial.
simpsonic Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I'm going to repeat what some of the previous posters have said...if someone is in a new relationship, they would NOT be in contact and/or seeing their ex on a regular basis. Period. Unless they have a child together, there's no reason to. From this guy's actions, he is clearly not over his ex.
bluenightowl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I'm going to repeat what some of the previous posters have said...if someone is in a new relationship, they would NOT be in contact and/or seeing their ex on a regular basis. Period. Unless they have a child together, there's no reason to. From this guy's actions, he is clearly not over his ex. wow. almost everyone on here thinks her BF is not over his EX. Let me try another perspective. The BF checked out mentally months before the breakup. You hear this all the time. Woman do it and some men to. They prepare for the breakup, so when it actually happens it doesn't hurt very much. Second it seems he broke up with her. much easier to do. Third, I have come across people who want to remain friends with their ex's. They were part of their life. He might be trying to do that. The redflag though to me is if his EX is not over him and he is slowly disengaging from her, I think that's a bad way to be. I can only imagine what he might be saying to her to make her feel better. Would he say, I'm sorry you feel so terrible, we are great friends though, and I have a wonderful new GF. I just wonder. He should be doing NC with her to help her get over him if he cares about her at all. It will be painful for her this way. I suspect he is to some extent holding to something. Second as much as having EX's as friends are important to him, you should be more important and have some respect for you. I have come across some of my guy friends who has said the same thing to me - "If I ever date a girl, and she has a problem with my female friends then she is out." You do hear that. He sounds like just such a guy. I don't think the situation is a disaster, but I do suspect he has some lingering feelings there. I really doubt there will be a breakup anytime soon and people are overreacting a bit, but yes don't believe that he is completely over his EX.
SpiralOut Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 He doesn't still have feelings for her! I am sure of it. He told me he wanted tobreak up with her months before he did AND that he noticed me when he was still with her and that's what finally made him do it...I had always joked with him about this. He said he never noticed me until he was single I used to say 'Yeah I bet you did'. It is only now he has admitted it was true. He just feels bad about it as he's a good guy. Really! Not such a huge bust up as he's coming round and he never usually does on a Monday night. Best advice ever given to me was that instead of just listening to what people say, you need to look at what they do. Some people will say anything to get what they want, and they can be very good at sounding sincere.
Professor X Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Funny how your thread backfired at ya I bet you didn't see that one coming!
Emilia Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 OP you need to get some male friends ASAP to snap you out of naivety. Here are the basic rules my male friends would tell you about men: 1. If a guy notices a woman while he is still in a relationship with someone in a way that it makes him break up with his girlfriend that makes him less trustworthy. It maybe an indication that he is over his ex but it is also an indication that he isn't as nice as you might think. 2. When a man is in a new relationship he doesn't want his ex around because he doesn't want the ex to confuse things. Women are more likely to talk to exes for various emotional reasons, men usually do (especially in the beginning fresh after breakup) when they want sex/or a relationship. The fact that he gave you an ultimatum OP about allowing him to do what he wants or the two of you don't have a future doesn't really show that he cares about you much. You have been together for 6 months and he says he 'doesn't think about the future'. I'd say he will dump you when someone better comes along
Author softsnow Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I'm going to repeat what some of the previous posters have said...if someone is in a new relationship, they would NOT be in contact and/or seeing their ex on a regular basis. Period. Unless they have a child together, there's no reason to. From this guy's actions, he is clearly not over his ex. It's not regular contactany more anyway. If I broke up with my current boyfriend I would want to stay friends with him afterwards. And I know he would also want the same as he is just like that. Anyway we are fine. He came round last night and admitted that he didn't realise how much he liked me until I didn't answer his calls last night. I've tried the reverse psychology thing and said he should stay in contact with his ex and he said he would tell her today that their friendship is over.
bluenightowl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It's not regular contactany more anyway. If I broke up with my current boyfriend I would want to stay friends with him afterwards. And I know he would also want the same as he is just like that. Anyway we are fine. He came round last night and admitted that he didn't realise how much he liked me until I didn't answer his calls last night. I've tried the reverse psychology thing and said he should stay in contact with his ex and he said he would tell her today that their friendship is over. yeah, I've come across people like this in your situation. One woman kept in touch with her ex for a year after she broke up with him and while dating a new guy. Her new BF and her got happily married. Its not a big deal, and good you two addressed it.
country_gurl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It's not regular contact any more anyway. If I broke up with my current boyfriend I would want to stay friends with him afterwards. And I know he would also want the same as he is just like that. Anyway we are fine. He came round last night and admitted that he didn't realise how much he liked me until I didn't answer his calls last night. I've tried the reverse psychology thing and said he should stay in contact with his ex and he said he would tell her today that their friendship is over. LMAO. So now he's going to go from one extreme to another and reportedly tell his ex that their 'friendship is over'? Doesn't that seem like a huge contradiction? Wasn't he apparently agreeing to get together with her all of these past 6 months because he felt guilty and was merely trying to help her *cough cough* cope with single life? And now, he's going to just tell her buzz off and that he wants her out of his life completely? Sorry but you both sound like you have issues. Perhaps a great match.
bluenightowl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 LMAO. So now he's going to go from one extreme to another and reportedly tell his ex that their 'friendship is over'? Doesn't that seem like a huge contradiction? Wasn't he apparently agreeing to get together with her all of these past 6 months because he felt guilty and was merely trying to help her *cough cough* cope with single life? And now, he's going to just tell her buzz off and that he wants her out of his life completely? Sorry but you both sound like you have issues. Perhaps a great match. I am with the poster on this one. I think people are thinking too deeply here. Maybe too many LS people have been burned in the past and are too cynical. He might have some lingering feelings for ex, but he clearly values his new GF more. I have no doubt you will not see any post about them breaking up.
Recommended Posts