softsnow Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Just my story and point of view My boyfriend broke up with his long term girlfriend just two weeks before we starting seeing each other. I didn't chase him or pursue him as I knew he had just ended a relationship but he was ready to move on and I believe we were just meant to get together. The timing was so right. I had been single for three years. That was six months ago. My friends warned me not to get deeply involved as he was on the rebound but I just couldn't help myself and we started spending most of our time together. He was in contact with his ex and he would meet up with her as he said he felt guilty about breaking up with her. He told me not to hold back as he was over her and that I was everything he ever wanted. I had my doubts as everything was moving so fast but now, six months down the line we are still together. He still sees the ex but only rarely now (and still only out of guilt - and he is gradually breaking away) and I do believe he no longer thinks of her when we are together. According to my friends and my sisters we weren't going to last one months never mind six ..and counting...so this is just a positive message for those thinking of entering into relationships with people who have not long broken up with someone...just go fo it!
betterdeal Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Good for you! I hope it's a long and happy coupling
Professor X Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 It's a rare case. A friend of mine from class, was never alone for more than a week, since she was 14; Some people are just like that. Mind you, there's a reason it's called rebound for a reason.
Yookie Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Just my story and point of view My boyfriend broke up with his long term girlfriend just two weeks before we starting seeing each other. I didn't chase him or pursue him as I knew he had just ended a relationship but he was ready to move on and I believe we were just meant to get together. The timing was so right. I had been single for three years. That was six months ago. My friends warned me not to get deeply involved as he was on the rebound but I just couldn't help myself and we started spending most of our time together. He was in contact with his ex and he would meet up with her as he said he felt guilty about breaking up with her. He told me not to hold back as he was over her and that I was everything he ever wanted. I had my doubts as everything was moving so fast but now, six months down the line we are still together. He still sees the ex but only rarely now (and still only out of guilt - and he is gradually breaking away) and I do believe he no longer thinks of her when we are together. According to my friends and my sisters we weren't going to last one months never mind six ..and counting...so this is just a positive message for those thinking of entering into relationships with people who have not long broken up with someone...just go fo it! Sorry but I would dismiss any guy who wants to see me and his ex at the same time. Doesn't sound like he has moved on at all but if you're ok with sharing then carry on.
country_gurl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) Hi Just my story and point of view My boyfriend broke up with his long term girlfriend just two weeks before we starting seeing each other. I didn't chase him or pursue him as I knew he had just ended a relationship but he was ready to move on and I believe we were just meant to get together. The timing was so right. I had been single for three years. That was six months ago. My friends warned me not to get deeply involved as he was on the rebound but I just couldn't help myself and we started spending most of our time together. He was in contact with his ex and he would meet up with her as he said he felt guilty about breaking up with her. He told me not to hold back as he was over her and that I was everything he ever wanted. I had my doubts as everything was moving so fast but now, six months down the line we are still together. He still sees the ex but only rarely now (and still only out of guilt - and he is gradually breaking away) and I do believe he no longer thinks of her when we are together. According to my friends and my sisters we weren't going to last one months never mind six ..and counting...so this is just a positive message for those thinking of entering into relationships with people who have not long broken up with someone...just go fo it! Sorry but I think you're being awfully naive. After 6 months and being in a relationship with you, he STILL 'sees his ex' but only out of guilt - but he's gradually 'breaking away'? When people are truly "over" someone and completely "into" the new person in their life, they're not still "seeing their ex" out of guilt for breaking up........and 6 months later, no less. Good luck, you're going to need it. PS - do you know for a FACT that she's aware he's in a relationship with you or i wonder if he keeps that a secret? sorry but it sounds to me like a guy who's not wanting to break ties with an ex because he enjoys keeping her on the back-burner, either in the event that things don't work out with you or............maybe he's still interested in her but she won't give him an second chance and he's hoping that over time she will. Think about it logically for a second; if she DOES know that you're now his girlfriend and he got together with you a mere 2 weeks after he dumped her, don't you think her continuing to see him would be a constant 'in your face reminder' that he dumped her then got with you 2 weeks later and remains with you? How would his continued time spent with her after all these months be helping to ease the guilt when surely she knows he's WITH SOMEONE ELSE? (you). Sorry but none of it adds up to me. Edited September 4, 2011 by country_gurl
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Welcome to LS How old are you and your BF? How long were he and his exGF together? Did they live together? Any children? You mentioned you were single for three years. Does that mean celibate or that you didn't have an exclusive and monogamous relationship during that time? When your BF meets up with his ex, are you aware of this in advance or learn about it later? When he talks about his 'guilt', does he expand upon it? If so, in what way? Do you keep in touch casually with past ex'es, for whatever reason? What prompted you to join LS and post a thread in the dating section about a this particular dating situation? Are you a long-time reader? We see anecdotes of similar relationships working out and not working out; a wide variety of results. I hope you take some time and read them. You'll likely find that most women on LS will recommend not dating a man who has recently ended a LTR or is divorcing. I was 'dismissed' in such a manner, even though I generally consider myself outlier to that psychology. Nonetheless, it's instructive to understand how and why other people feel and say what they do. Good luck!
grkBoy Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I hope you do become the exception to the rule, but the factor that he's still seeing/talking to his ex isn't a good thing. I also want to point out that your boyfriend isn't so much the "rebound" as he dumped his SO. In many ways he was probably emotionally separated from her and already wanted to move on. Now imagine he was madly in love with the ex, and she was the one who perhaps fell out of love and dumped him...would you still have gone for it? Whenever anyone speaks of not getting with a person on the rebound, it mostly is aimed at the person who was dumped and/or the person who is still holding an emotional attachment to the former relationship. If the person has cut ties and moved on completely, even a day after, then by all means go for it.
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Oh, last question: How much time have you spent with his exGF? If he's truly moved on and there is no emotional involvement on either side, she would now be a social friend like any friend you might have and with whom you and he have contact with as a couple. As an example, I interacted a number of times with my exW's second exH while we were dating. Everything was cordial and above board. How has it gone for you?
Author softsnow Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Sorry but I think you're being awfully naive. After 6 months and being in a relationship with you, he STILL 'sees his ex' but only out of guilt - but he's gradually 'breaking away'? When people are truly "over" someone and completely "into" the new person in their life, they're not still "seeing their ex" out of guilt for breaking up........and 6 months later, no less. Good luck, you're going to need it. I am perfectly happy about him being in contact with his ex. He never sees her for long and he's seeing her less and less. I trust him entirely. I posted this thread as I promised my sister (who I think is addicted to this forum!) I would if we were still together 6 months down the line (she was very cynical...) It's not that he's not yet over his ex, it's that she's not quite over him yet, that's all. He's a decent guy and wants to make sure she is coping with the single life. She's the one who insists on seeing him but he is letting her down gently by agreeing to it less and less. Incidently my last relationship was a rebound. The guy was just out of a relationship and we got together one month later. We were together two years until I broke it off as he was too lazy (didn't bother going out any more just stayed at home sulking - he became boring). He never got back with his ex and ended up marrying some poor girl last year.
Author softsnow Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Oh, last question: How much time have you spent with his exGF? If he's truly moved on and there is no emotional involvement on either side, she would now be a social friend like any friend you might have and with whom you and he have contact with as a couple. As an example, I interacted a number of times with my exW's second exH while we were dating. Everything was cordial and above board. How has it gone for you? Never met her, wouldn't want to as then she may feel in some way connected to my relationship with her ex and want to stay in contact for even longer. She's practically out of the picture now anyway. Just wanted to post as so many people I know said our relationship was doomed and now they can't believe it has actually worked out.
country_gurl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 It's not that he's not yet over his ex, it's that she's not quite over him yet, that's all. He's a decent guy and wants to make sure she is coping with the single life. She's the one who insists on seeing him but he is letting her down gently by agreeing to it less and less. Say what? Now I call BS even more. He's such a great humanitarian and while in a relationship with you for the past half a year, he continues to agree to get together with his ex because he's trying to help her cope with the single life.....but still, after 6 MONTHS, he's seeing her less because he's "letting her down gently." Are you kidding me? If this IS true (and I don't believe that it is), all he's doing is leading her into believing that there's still a chance for them. And again, you didn't answer my question................... Does she KNOW that he's in a relationship with YOU??????????????
country_gurl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Never met her, wouldn't want to as then she may feel in some way connected to my relationship with her ex and want to stay in contact for even longer. She's practically out of the picture now anyway. Just wanted to post as so many people I know said our relationship was doomed and now they can't believe it has actually worked out. I guess it depends on what a person's definition of 'working out' is.
Author softsnow Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Welcome to LS How old are you and your BF? How long were he and his exGF together? Did they live together? Any children? You mentioned you were single for three years. Does that mean celibate or that you didn't have an exclusive and monogamous relationship during that time? When your BF meets up with his ex, are you aware of this in advance or learn about it later? When he talks about his 'guilt', does he expand upon it? If so, in what way? Do you keep in touch casually with past ex'es, for whatever reason? What prompted you to join LS and post a thread in the dating section about a this particular dating situation? Are you a long-time reader? We see anecdotes of similar relationships working out and not working out; a wide variety of results. I hope you take some time and read them. You'll likely find that most women on LS will recommend not dating a man who has recently ended a LTR or is divorcing. I was 'dismissed' in such a manner, even though I generally consider myself outlier to that psychology. Nonetheless, it's instructive to understand how and why other people feel and say what they do. Good luck! Sorry didn't realise there were more questions! I am 30, he is 35 so we're not exactly spring chickens! He was with his ex for four years, no kids. I only hear about my exes through mutual friends, never actually see them in the flesh!
Author softsnow Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Say what? Now I call BS even more. He's such a great humanitarian and while in a relationship with you for the past half a year, he continues to agree to get together with his ex because he's trying to help her cope with the single life.....but still, after 6 MONTHS, he's seeing her less because he's "letting her down gently." Are you kidding me? If this IS true (and I don't believe that it is), all he's doing is leading her into believing that there's still a chance for them. And again, you didn't answer my question................... Does she KNOW that he's in a relationship with YOU?????????????? Yes he tells me he told her soon after we got together. She was crying and he felt bad but he definately moved on way before he broke up with her. He says he thought about ending things six months before he actually did. They fell out due to work pressures and got used to not seeing each other much. He just feels bad as they were together for four years. Even though he's 35 it was the longest relationship he's had so far.
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Does she KNOW that he's in a relationship with YOU?I think that's a relevant question, and in line with my question about interacting with the ex. Such interactions solidify in the ex'es mind, assuming healthy actions from the couple, that they are a couple. It also diffuses the specter of the unknown. Mature couples can have cordial relations with ex'es and many must, due to children. Hope it works out!
sm1tten Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I don't think that someone fresh out of a relationship is necessarily going to rebound, because sometimes people are emotionally checked out of the relationship long before it ends. However, it sounds to me like he was letting it drag on for a while, and it seems like it's still actually dragging on. So while I don't think that you are doomed because he was perhaps not emotionally ready for a new relationship so soon, I wouldn't go counting my chickens just yet. Best of luck to you, though.
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'll offer an example of a potential no-rebound. ExW 'checked out' of the M long before we actually D'd and moved a new guy into the house she got in the D before the D was final. Interactions during that period were business only, meaning the business of divorce. Since, only communications are about mutual friends. Her actions indicate no feelings. There's no proactive contact about 'us' or to show interest in or care about my life. We're not 'friends', but rather 'cordial'. I'm not 'pining away' for her. I think, if compatible, she and her BF stand a good chance of success. He seems like a good guy. I'd hate to see her fµck up another good guy. Her second exH impressed me as a good and decent man. Three (husbands) is enough. All that said, with her, I don't think this current live-in is a 'rebound'. The determining factor is that our M doesn't exist for her anymore, emotionally, in any way, whether residual love, guilt, empathy, whatever. It's a flat line. That is key IMO. As you said OP, you're not 'spring chickens'. Eyes open, whatever happens happens.
threebyfate Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 What's the probability that someone's in a solid and positive emotional frame of mind post relationship break up or divorce? Pretty small, no? So then, you're looking at a pretty small probability. With this small probability, is it really worth investing when there are any number of single people who are emotionally available? There are also individuals who take existing feelings for their exes and transpose them onto the new person. If this is the case and they haven't really dealt with their past baggage, what's the probability that the relationship will eventually tank when they hit stress point? From the example provided by softsnow in her opening post about her relationship, she's shown a lot of patience and tolerance towards her rebounding b/f. I can't help but be a bit cynical about investing that much towards someone who still to this day, hasn't fully let go of his ex. Hopefully, he's not spending time alone with the ex or at minimum, inviting you to go along with them.
Author softsnow Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 What's the probability that someone's in a solid and positive emotional frame of mind post relationship break up or divorce? Pretty small, no? So then, you're looking at a pretty small probability. With this small probability, is it really worth investing when there are any number of single people who are emotionally available? There are also individuals who take existing feelings for their exes and transpose them onto the new person. If this is the case and they haven't really dealt with their past baggage, what's the probability that the relationship will eventually tank when they hit stress point? From the example provided by softsnow in her opening post about her relationship, she's shown a lot of patience and tolerance towards her rebounding b/f. I can't help but be a bit cynical about investing that much towards someone who still to this day, hasn't fully let go of his ex. Hopefully, he's not spending time alone with the ex or at minimum, inviting you to go along with them. If someone has moved on BEFORE they break up with their partner then really they would be emotionally ready for a new relationship straight away. My boyfriend seemed ready and he was. He was keen to move on and enter into a new relationship with me pretty quick. When he meets with his ex they are alone. If he invited her to go out with him and his friends then people would assume they were a couple again and so they meet alone. I am 100% fine with this arrangement. I agree with you in that some people take existing feelings with their exes and transpose them onto a new person. Before he broke up with his girlfriend he tried to make it work. He booked time off work to devote time to sorting things out hoping that spending time together would rekindle lost feelings between them. I didn't and led to their break up. Now, as a result, he is a better boyfriend and doesn;t let work get in the way of making things work with me.
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Hold up.... after six months, don't all his friends and family and 'people' know you're a couple? Why would they think otherwise? I ask this because you identify him as your 'boyfriend', not merely a man you're dating. This proceeds to my next question: What culture are you and he from?
country_gurl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 If someone has moved on BEFORE they break up with their partner then really they would be emotionally ready for a new relationship straight away. My boyfriend seemed ready and he was. He was keen to move on and enter into a new relationship with me pretty quick. When he meets with his ex they are alone. If he invited her to go out with him and his friends then people would assume they were a couple again and so they meet alone. I am 100% fine with this arrangement. I agree with you in that some people take existing feelings with their exes and transpose them onto a new person. Before he broke up with his girlfriend he tried to make it work. He booked time off work to devote time to sorting things out hoping that spending time together would rekindle lost feelings between them. I didn't and led to their break up. Now, as a result, he is a better boyfriend and doesn;t let work get in the way of making things work with me. There is NO NEED in the world for him to continue seeing her like he's been doing the past 6 months and I think you're rather delusional if you think he's just doing it strictly out of compassion for her. She is not some fragile little china doll. This bit about helping her 'cope with the single life' is a tad overboard. Being single isn't like being diagnosed with terminal cancer. His continued presence in her life is disrespectful to your relationship and to you, and it's certainly not doing her any favors with respect to her moving on with HER life and finding someone else to establish a relationship with. Good Lord, it's not like her killed her cat; he simply did what people in this world sometimes do -- he ended a relationship with her, c'est la vie. If she's still "needing" to see him and he's still filling this need/void for her, then he's actually quite selfish or has ulterior motives and is simply needlessly PROLONGING her healing and moving on. If you were really that "okay" with this gig, you wouldn't have posted about it here. Right?
Professor X Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 There is NO NEED in the world for him to continue seeing her like he's been doing the past 6 months and I think you're rather delusional if you think he's just doing it strictly out of compassion for her. She is not some fragile little china doll. This bit about helping her 'cope with the single life' is a tad overboard. Being single isn't like being diagnosed with terminal cancer. His continued presence in her life is disrespectful to your relationship and to you, and it's certainly not doing her any favors with respect to her moving on with HER life and finding someone else to establish a relationship with. Good Lord, it's not like her killed her cat; he simply did what people in this world sometimes do -- he ended a relationship with her, c'est la vie. If she's still "needing" to see him and he's still filling this need/void for her, then he's actually quite selfish or has ulterior motives and is simply needlessly PROLONGING her healing and moving on. If you were really that "okay" with this gig, you wouldn't have posted about it here. Right? Let her think what she wants, cause some people just need to get burned in order to realize fire is hot.
Author softsnow Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Hold up.... after six months, don't all his friends and family and 'people' know you're a couple? Why would they think otherwise? I ask this because you identify him as your 'boyfriend', not merely a man you're dating. This proceeds to my next question: What culture are you and he from? By culture I presume you want to know if we are religious? No, we are not. I have had a bit of a panic in that his ex might be reading this and recognise me from these posts - so I won't be too specific - just to say we are both white and not religiuos in anyway. From a little country north of England!
carhill Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 By culture I presume you want to know if we are religious? No, we are not. I have had a bit of a panic in that his ex might be reading this and recognise me from these posts - so I won't be too specific - just to say we are both white and not religiuos in anyway. From a little country north of England! In some cultures, 'saving face' is an aspect of social conformity. In others, family and friends and the community at large have a hand in a couple's relationship. When things start to not add up, I ask such questions because cultural practices vary widely around the world, regardless of place of residence. As an example, in my area, Sikhs often practice their culture and religion just as they did when in India, even though they now live in rural California where the prevailing cultural practices are far different. This still doesn't answer why friends and family (his) aren't substantially aware that you're a couple. Or, if they are, why they could possibly think that seeing he and his ex out and about would mean they are 'back together'. What's with the secrecy?
Author softsnow Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 In some cultures, 'saving face' is an aspect of social conformity. In others, family and friends and the community at large have a hand in a couple's relationship. When things start to not add up, I ask such questions because cultural practices vary widely around the world, regardless of place of residence. As an example, in my area, Sikhs often practice their culture and religion just as they did when in India, even though they now live in rural California where the prevailing cultural practices are far different. This still doesn't answer why friends and family (his) aren't substantially aware that you're a couple. Or, if they are, why they could possibly think that seeing he and his ex out and about would mean they are 'back together'. What's with the secrecy? Well we live a city of around 600,000 people so 'seeing him and his ex out and about' is very, very unlikely. There is no secrecy and I don't remember suggesting there was. I don't see it (and nor does he) as his friends or family's business really. If he did happen upon someone he knows when out with his ex I 'm sure he would just say''and this is my ex'... His friends and family are aware we are a couple. His parents live in another city and he doesn't get to see them that much. As I said I don't tend to go on the 'boys nights out' as they are for 'boys! So I don't know ALL of his friends as he only sees some of these people on these nights out
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