mzdolphin Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sometimes as the OW/OM we are so busy lamenting over them not choosing us over the BS that we forget to ask ourselves, what this the right person for me? If someone asked you to write a list of what you seek in a mate, would good liar, cheat and promise breaker be on that list? Flip the Switch. End the affair not because he won't leave her, but because he's not right for you.
SBC Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Excellent point! The other thing to remember --most often, they are not choosing the BS, they are choosing themselves.
MissBee Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sometimes as the OW/OM we are so busy lamenting over them not choosing us over the BS that we forget to ask ourselves, what this the right person for me? If someone asked you to write a list of what you seek in a mate, would good liar, cheat and promise breaker be on that list? Flip the Switch. End the affair not because he won't leave her, but because he's not right for you. I concur. This goes for ANY relationship. I had to learn and am still learning to come from a place of MY values, MY desires, what is best for ME and not put everything in this other person's hands, making it seem like the decision is solely theirs and they have some great power to reject me and I have no say. Often times those people who don't choose us, are people we don't need to choose either and it all works out to the best, so I agree that in every relationship, you need to take it back to YOUR criteria and what is the best for YOU versus chasing this other person down for validation. None of my exes were "the ultimate", some were ridiculous and absolutely a mess in retrospect and some were good guys or okay, but NONE were my crown in glory and the best I could attain and NONE match up to the standard of what I want, today. Likewise, maybe for them, they can say the same about me, and that is perfectly okay. I don't need to be all and everything for every man I date and every man I date doesn't need to be all and everything for me....but I hope to eventually find that person that when comparing our ultimate "lists", I match his everyday of the week and in every light, and he mine.
MissBee Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Excellent point! The other thing to remember --most often, they are not choosing the BS, they are choosing themselves. Sooo right! Sometimes we have to really not make things about us, but realize often times people make choices not necessarily against us, just FOR themselves!
SoMovinOn Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Sometimes as the OW/OM we are so busy lamenting over them not choosing us over the BS that we forget to ask ourselves, what is the right person for me? If someone asked you to write a list of what you seek in a mate, would good liar, cheat and promise breaker be on that list? If someone asked me to write a list of what I seek in a mate, I would say no. If love and relationships were a simple as coming up with a checklist, then finding a single person who had all of the positives I listed and none of the negatives, we'd all probably end up alone. There is an undefinable chemistry which exists between two people. If you found someone who matched your list perfectly, there is no guarantee that chemistry would exist. Please feel free to study up on thousands of years of people trying to define love, thousands of years of people trying to determine how to find the perfect mate, at least decades of dating services and dating sites trying to come up with the best way to determine if two particular people are a good match for each other. Look at arranged marriages and note that two imperfect people, not even given the opportunity to choose each other, can manage to commit to a marriage and stay that way for a lifetime. Look at people who have found a mate in someone who is seen as imperfect in some manner - because they have a criminal background, because they are a different race, religion, social class, because they are the same sex... and note there are many "imperfect" people who managing to have lasting, loving, relationships. In my mind, the least perfect, least desirable people are those who are quick to put labels on others, those who are quick to judge others, those who are quick to make bigoted assumptions about others, those who feel they have everything figured out because they have found a way to make everything as simple as black or white, only one way or the other... those who are able to put everyone in a group and know all their is, rather than judging each individual by looking at them in totality. I fit into too many "undesirable" (to someone) categories to be OK with judging others as harshly. The funny thing is - if you need a list, I suppose that would be mine. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who had any of the traits I described above.
wannabdone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Interesting and great point. For the last year to year and half, I have been working on being done with my relationship with MM. As weird as that sounds, I was still seeing him, but I knew I was getting to the point I no longer wanted to do this , not this way. I had told him a few months ago, this very thing. I said, he always claimed it was the "situation" that made him be the way he was to me. That if we weren't in this, he would give me the exact love I wanted. I remember telling him....how do I know that??? I am taking your word for that you are that you say you are. Because what I see is different. And I am taking a big gamble with my life that if you ever do leave that I would be with you and I don't really know what you are other than what you tell me. Put aside the lying, and trust issues..... Since I am married, he could have looked at me in the same light. I am really with the exception of this, am very trustworthy and loyal and try to be honest. But, outside of those.... he didn't deal with problems well, he ran every time. He wouldn't deal with me and get through them with me. He would put me in a position were I never could talk about anything. He was incredibly selfish. He didn't protect me, wasn't my friend part of them time (only when my friendship benefited him.) and wasn't loyal to me. Not only with the fact he was M, but there were times he told her things about me, (which he denied, but there was no way she is so clever as he says that she would know). So, I remember telling him that NO, he wouldn't be the man for me. I am huge on loyalty, and honesty, and communication. Communication and trust are the foundations of relationships. We had trust issues, because of what we were doing, but also because he had broken my trust in other ways. And the sitatuion wasn't the fault. I was M too, but when my H found out things, I never sold him down the river and told my H things in order to save my own ass. He did. And communciation.... we had none. Not when it mattered. Only when HE needed to talk and get through his problems (which were muliple), but never when it was about us getting through something. It was immediately, run. I always told him that when life handed him lemons, he would not make lemonade, he would drop the lemons and run. And THIS would be a man that I would put my everything into???? And supposed to be my protector and supporter and provider??? For me and my child???? That would be a negative ghost rider. So I totally see what you are saying. The problem is that people don't realize (and I was one) for a long time, that in life we always project. Its a very natural part of relatiosnhips. and projection doesn't have to be always negative, you can project your self and your love on to someone (just as much as you can project negative stuff on them.) and a lot of times, mine definitely, I projected MY love, and MY feelings on him and thought he was like ME. He DEFINITELY WAS NOT LIKE ME AT ALL!!!!!
woinlove Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 The OP reminds me of the clarity I had when MM was finally divorced and I suddenly realized that we didn't really share the same core values. I think both chemistry and shared values are important ingredients to a lasting, committed R. How a prospective life partner treats others, particularly under less than ideal circumstances, can give key insight into their character and values.
wannabdone Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 The OP reminds me of the clarity I had when MM was finally divorced and I suddenly realized that we didn't really share the same core values. I think both chemistry and shared values are important ingredients to a lasting, committed R. How a prospective life partner treats others, particularly under less than ideal circumstances, can give key insight into their character and values. Woinlove.... Have you shared your story???? If not, I would LOVE to hear it. I think these are the things that people need to hear. That they aren't always what the are chalked up to be.
fooled once Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Sometimes as the OW/OM we are so busy lamenting over them not choosing us over the BS that we forget to ask ourselves, what this the right person for me? If someone asked you to write a list of what you seek in a mate, would good liar, cheat and promise breaker be on that list? Flip the Switch. End the affair not because he won't leave her, but because he's not right for you. Excellent way to look at things!! Somovingon, Instead of finding fault with so many posts, maybe ignore the thread if you disagree so much? I noticed that the last several days, when someone posts their thoughts or views, you feel the need to poo poo their views. You are pro-affair. Got it. Instead of condeming or belittling a hurting posters views, how about either offering support or maybe not responding? This was Avery good thread from a member who is working thru hurt. There was no need to come and tear apart her post and belittle her thoughts
Author mzdolphin Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Excellent way to look at things!! Somovingon, Instead of finding fault with so many posts, maybe ignore the thread if you disagree so much? I noticed that the last several days, when someone posts their thoughts or views, you feel the need to poo poo their views. You are pro-affair. Got it. Instead of condeming or belittling a hurting posters views, how about either offering support or maybe not responding? This was Avery good thread from a member who is working thru hurt. There was no need to come and tear apart her post and belittle her thoughts Thanks for the support. In fact the support has been so comforting that the opinion of somovingon didn't bother me. Everybody has to work through their stuff at their own pace. Speaking and writing my way forward works for me.
SoMovinOn Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 The OP reminds me of the clarity I had when MM was finally divorced and I suddenly realized that we didn't really share the same core values. I think both chemistry and shared values are important ingredients to a lasting, committed R. How a prospective life partner treats others, particularly under less than ideal circumstances, can give key insight into their character and values. Did something change in him after his D, or was it there for you to see before that and you just didn't?
woinlove Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Did something change in him after his D, or was it there for you to see before that and you just didn't? Nothing changed in him. But some time earlier I had learned from his W that he was still having sex with her despite him telling me otherwise. I think that changed things for me but I didn't fully react until the divorce was being finalized and I realized I might end up spending my life with this man. As long as his W was in the picture, I never thought realistically about what it might be like to share my life with him - I always viewed it more positively than I should have in hindsight. Having 3 people in the picture clouded my thinking, and suddenly things became clearer when it was just the 2 of us.
RainDown Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 The OP reminds me of the clarity I had when MM was finally divorced and I suddenly realized that we didn't really share the same core values. I think both chemistry and shared values are important ingredients to a lasting, committed R. How a prospective life partner treats others, particularly under less than ideal circumstances, can give key insight into their character and values. Me, too. Except in my case I found out he was insufferably clingy and suffocated me to death. Once the wife was out of the picture and he was able to turn the full force of his attention on me I couldn't handle it. I need balance in my life - work, family, friends, hobbies, ALONE TIME, etc. No matter how many times I tried to explain to him that he was suffocating me, he just couldn't stop the 24/7 attention. It drove me nuts. He was a great guy and that kind of attention was great in small doses. 24/7 was way too much to handle. I look back now and don't know how I possibly coped with that for two years.
SoMovinOn Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Nothing changed in him. But some time earlier I had learned from his W that he was still having sex with her despite him telling me otherwise. I think that changed things for me but I didn't fully react until the divorce was being finalized and I realized I might end up spending my life with this man. As long as his W was in the picture, I never thought realistically about what it might be like to share my life with him - I always viewed it more positively than I should have in hindsight. Having 3 people in the picture clouded my thinking, and suddenly things became clearer when it was just the 2 of us. I would ask this in general, although it applies specifically to you in this instance... Why assume the MM is lying and his BW is being honest? In this case, where she told you they had sex and he told you they did not - wouldn't she have some motivation to lie to you as well? I know that's not the whole thing for you. Just something I thought of in reading this and am curious about.
woinlove Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I would ask this in general, although it applies specifically to you in this instance... Why assume the MM is lying and his BW is being honest? In this case, where she told you they had sex and he told you they did not - wouldn't she have some motivation to lie to you as well? I know that's not the whole thing for you. Just something I thought of in reading this and am curious about. He admitted it, after his W told me. Had he continued to lie, sadly, I probably would have believed him over her, just because she made it clear she hated me.
wannabdone Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Nothing changed in him. But some time earlier I had learned from his W that he was still having sex with her despite him telling me otherwise. I think that changed things for me but I didn't fully react until the divorce was being finalized and I realized I might end up spending my life with this man. As long as his W was in the picture, I never thought realistically about what it might be like to share my life with him - I always viewed it more positively than I should have in hindsight. Having 3 people in the picture clouded my thinking, and suddenly things became clearer when it was just the 2 of us. I am sorry you had to go through that, but happy for you that you figured it out. I think we should start a thread of stories like this. I think it would be good for ppl to see that even if they leave, it isn't always what it is cracked up to be. I also think that this is very common thing. I have a very dear friend who's husband cheated on her for multiple years and with many different women. She had two small children, and felt like she couldn't leave, she started working towards this. She went back to college, and a semester before she graduated, she divorced him. She went on to grad from college, met another man, (who like most women who get cheated on picked the total opposite of her first spouse). Very shortly after they married, she got pregnant and they had their child. Her ex husband remarried about a year after she did. Although she had been cheated on and knew how badly it hurt and hated it, I watched her flirt with her xH. I would ask her what she was doing, and she denied that it was what it was. Long story short, she continued and really ended up damaging her xH's M. She ended up sleeping with him a few times. After she did her damange, she finally opened up that she thinks she was trying to get him back for how badly he had hurt her. Messed up, but she was being honest. So, I think a lot of times, for whatever reason, women will try to continue a relationship with the xH. I often thought about that, and knew that if I ever did M my MM, that his wife would be doing the same thing. And thought about if i would be able to go through the years of torment of her trying, or what if he did??? I mean he did it to her. Glad to see that you wised up, before you ended up committing your life to him. If I started a thread would you and also you, RD.... would you share your stories, so others could see them??? sorry if this was t/j'ing.
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