claire30 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 first I have to say I never ever thought this would happen to me although I might have unconsciously looked for it. To make this story short....... Im falling in love with two guys and my big question is how to choose?? something I wouldnt even want to consider at all because I cant imagine loosing either one. But here is the situation : #1 I met online and been talking to him for a few months now but we've only seeing each others 3 times and seeing each others a 4th time today and its only getting better and better each time..I feel so much when I am with him. He's caring, passionate and treats me so well...but he's not very expressive in his feelings and has hard time accepting that I have feeling for another one (YES THEY BOTH know about each others:confused:), last nite he told me if wants to be with me but he's scared about giving up his single life. He's very charming and physically even though I wasnt attracted right away , his charm made me melt and now I get butterflies when I look at him #2 I met on vacation while in Barcelona and he fell in love with me right away because he had noticed me even before I noticed him and we started hanging out, I found him very attractive but the catch is im 5"11 and he's 5"7 and that has been bothering me but not as much anymore. He's everything I was looking in a guy and we have the same vision, he's already talking future with me and always plan things..he gets crazy if I dont answer my phone, always says what on his heart and always tells me im beautiful , #1 says that too but usually out of nowhere , randomly he'll send me a text message saying something sweet..whereas #2 its all the time. With #2 I feel safe and loving with #1 I feel excitement and mystery and I cant keep wondering what will be with him... I dont want to hurt them but I know sooner or later I will have to make a choice, because its eating me big time inside..I cry even..sometimes I'll be one the phone with one, and on skype with the other at the same time with both of them asking me the same questions, how crazy is that? Im living a double life..I dont know how much longer I cant keep going like this but I need more time... what do you think??? They both offered me presents, take me out to very nice places..its so hard to make a choice when both of them treats me well and have feelings for me.
smudge21 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Only you can make this decision sorry to say, but you do need to make it soon otherwise things could go wrong and you may lose them both. At the moment they both accept the knowledge of each other, but jealousy may kick in at some point. Think of it the other way round, how would you feel if you were seeing a guy and he had another woman he was also seeing? Eventually that's got to hurt.
Author claire30 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Only you can make this decision sorry to say, but you do need to make it soon otherwise things could go wrong and you may lose them both. At the moment they both accept the knowledge of each other, but jealousy may kick in at some point. Think of it the other way round, how would you feel if you were seeing a guy and he had another woman he was also seeing? Eventually that's got to hurt. hi Smudge yes I completely understand what you are saying and thats something guy #1 and I talked about. But I told him he needs to also know what he really wants. He's not even sure he wants to give up his solo status that makes me feel doubtful too
John Bigboote Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'm just curious as to why you think you have to choose. They both know about each other, are fully informed, and seem fine with the relationship so far. Is someone asking you to choose? Is there a reason you don't think you can have satisfying relationships with both?
Author claire30 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I'm just curious as to why you think you have to choose. They both know about each other, are fully informed, and seem fine with the relationship so far. Is someone asking you to choose? Is there a reason you don't think you can have satisfying relationships with both? I think I have to choose because its still hurting both of them even if one is more accepting than the other. Its not fair to lead them on into something that might never happen dont you think John? #1 is pretty much asking me to choose but # 2 is willing to wait until I reach my decision. I am fully and more than satisfied with both relationships but how can I grow into a serious one if I keep both of them as lovers? I want to make the right choice and keep one as a friend and the other as my future partner but Im too confuse right now to even picture that...
John Bigboote Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Its not fair to lead them on into something that might never happen dont you think John? Even if you chose one, you can't guarantee a successful relationship. #1 is pretty much asking me to choose...but doesn't want to leave his single life either. Entering a monogamous relationship with him would cause him to resent you, since you would then represent the death of adventure to him. Choosing him above #2, it seems to me, would probably fail. I am fully and more than satisfied with both relationships but how can I grow into a serious one if I keep both of them as lovers?How would having a serious relationship with one prevent you from having a serious relationship with the other? Again, just curious. I want to make the right choice and keep one as a friend and the other as my future partner but Im too confuse right now to even picture that...You probably can't keep the one you reject as a friend, sorry. It would be fantastic if it did turn out that way (which it might, but seems unlikely), but you will have rejected and therefore hurt that person. Since you love that person and will have hurt him, you'll have hurt yourself too. That is what you need to be prepared for. And if you decide to choose, you have to steel yourself against resenting the chosen lover for making you experience that pain. If you feel that you absolutely must choose, the choice of #2 is pretty clear to me. Because: 1. You feel more tender love for #2, whereas #1 is for fun and excitement. No matter how exciting he is, the mystery and excitement he represents to you will eventually fade after waking up next to him the 1,345th time in his tighty-whities. 2. #1 is asking you to choose monogamy with him while expressing anxiety about monogamy. Not a recipe for success. 3. #1, knowing that you love #2, is asking that you break off relations with him. He is asking you to ditch someone you care about, a choice that will inevitably hurt both #2 and you yourself. A person who truly cared for you would be happy for your happiness and not insist that you cause pain to yourself. Just my $0.02. I'm probably wrong.
FitChick Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Maybe the Spanish guy is looking for a Green Card.
norajane Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I want to make the right choice and keep one as a friend and the other as my future partner That can't be done. You're hedging your bets in case the one you pick doesn't work out. And why would the one you reject want to be friends with you? He's dating you now; he isn't going to want to be "just friends" while you date another guy after rejecting him. If the first guy isn't sure he wants to give up his single life, that's him telling you he isn't sure he wants to be in a serious relationship. He's got commitment issues. Those don't just go away. They require a desire to work through them, and he doesn't yet have that desire. That's a life choice and has nothing to do with you. Even if he were able to make that choice, it's a long, long road for him to work through his fears of commitment. And, he may not want to do that with YOU anyway. That's the one I'd walk away from.
Author claire30 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Maybe the Spanish guy is looking for a Green Card. LOL...no he's french and so am I and the funny thing is we arrived to Barcelona one day apart and flew back to France on exactly the same day just few hours apart and he lives only 30mn from me, and guy #1 I got to know him while I was still in the US and now I live only 10mn away from him, unplanned!!!!!!
Author claire30 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 That can't be done. You're hedging your bets in case the one you pick doesn't work out. And why would the one you reject want to be friends with you? He's dating you now; he isn't going to want to be "just friends" while you date another guy after rejecting him. If the first guy isn't sure he wants to give up his single life, that's him telling you he isn't sure he wants to be in a serious relationship. He's got commitment issues. Those don't just go away. They require a desire to work through them, and he doesn't yet have that desire. That's a life choice and has nothing to do with you. Even if he were able to make that choice, it's a long, long road for him to work through his fears of commitment. And, he may not want to do that with YOU anyway. That's the one I'd walk away from. well I talked to both of them about the friendship issue when the choice is done and guy #2 is the one who will have a hard time staying friends yes because he loves me too much whereas #1 said he would always be there. Now UPDATE: yesterday I was with guy #1 and then again it keeps getting stronger and stronger each time we see each others. He is opening more and more and told me that he is willing to give up his single life for me, he was just trying to protect himself but now he told me he loves me. we stayed up until 2 am talking even though he had to drive me back home. When we hugged and kissed I felt him shake and never felt this intensity with a guy before then I looked in his eyes and he was literally crying..my heart melt..but I was thinking also about guy#2 because he already had tears in his eyes too when he expressed his love for me...THEY BOTH CRY..but now deep inside me I know I feel more love for guy #1 but I did more things with guy#2! HOW DO I TELL GUY#2? I still dont know where he lives and he wants me to come spend the weekend with my dog in two weeks..thats when things could get more official..but now Im not sure I want that..HELP!! Im going crazy.. should I take space from both of them for a while? or one? I dont know what to do..but I already miss #1 and #2 is coming back in a week! I thought I would miss him like that but I dont as much..IM SO CONFUSED.
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 At night, who's the one you think about last and in the morning, who's the first one on your mind?
Author claire30 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 At night, who's the one you think about last and in the morning, who's the first one on your mind? Thats a very hard question because I honestly think about both of them!!! But when I went to my weekend trip with guy #2 I felt so bad deep down leaving #1 and as soon as I came back I texted #1. When I think about #1 I get butterflies..and when I kiss #2 I get butterflies. But to be honest with myself I think about #1 always first and then #2..same thing when I get up in the morning. But thats specially lately because things are getting stronger with #1!!!!! I cant picture my life without #1 but I cant be with #2 either..I know its so damn selfish but I cant control my feelings. I really wish I could or I wouldnt be in this mess to start with.
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 It's true that we fall in love when we're apart rather than with someone, so maybe you should take a week off. No communication with either of them and see which you miss the most.
Author claire30 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 It's true that we fall in love when we're apart rather than with someone, so maybe you should take a week off. No communication with either of them and see which you miss the most. you think that could work??? hmmm ok i could try that then, thanks smudge for the support and advice. Im scared and sad =( but maybe its for the best yes.
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I think it's an option to try - whether it will work is up to you. Seems odd that someone who has the option of two lovers is taking a advice from someone who can't get one... hmmm Good luck.
Author claire30 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 I think it's an option to try - whether it will work is up to you. Seems odd that someone who has the option of two lovers is taking a advice from someone who can't get one... hmmm Good luck. LMAO..you managed to make me laugh in this messed up situation of mine. thanks again
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