Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I never thought of myself as the "rebound" until learning that I was the girl between his ex and going back to his ex, even though I had no clue and saw no signs of this, not to mention I believe we did start out with visions of long-term potential, so I guess I was! Anyway, seeing that he is so suddenly seriously back with his ex so fast I assume he went back for this: "totally swept up in the "high" of the romance and passion and he totally validated [him] as he seemed to be totally in love with [him]." That's exactly what rebounds are from what i've read and heard. They progress quickly and are intense at the start but there is always something missing to the rebounder and as time goes on, the missing feeling grows. Once they figure out the missing feeling won't be filled by you, they move on. Sadly, the rebound will usually always have been used to some extent, it sucks your ex took 2 years.
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I also sort of want that to be true. I think love takes time. My ex's ex whom he is with now is seriously pouring on the lovey-dovey and I wonder how much of that is genuine versus trying to validate. We've only been broken up about a month, so over a couple of months? But then some people live happily ever after with someone they've known for only a few weeks. Hard to know. People keep telling me though it will not work out! I think it could be possible that the lovey-dovey could be real, maybe they realise they shouldn't of broken up, as much as that sucks for you. Then it could also be the comfort you mentioned earlier, being able to just fall back into someone you have history with because you know them, you know how you feel/felt with them. As for people living happily ever after after only knowing each other for a few weeks, I don't think those people were together, rebounded and then got back together.
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I dumped my ex, and she started dating/sleeping with someone about 4 weeks in. 8 weeks in, and she had been seeing a different guy, told me that she'd hate me forever, if I ruined it. She's moved in with the guy,it's been about 6 months since they've been together. So quick rebounds can last. How old are you? Maybe age also affects how long rebounds can last. Or maybe the guy she was with 4 weeks in was the rebound, she got it out of her system and then found someone for an actual real relationship. I know it's possible to rebound multiple times after a break up, but it could also he possible she didn't rebound to guy number 2.
mike588 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yea, I was the rebound guy. She had only been out of the relationship with her ex (who's shes back with now) for maybe a month. Between us it was HOT and Heavy for 7 out of 10 months,then when our "honey moon" period ended things slowly changed. Now I realize I was her "emotional bandaid" because she had never gotten over her ex, was still in love with him and never had her time to heal before becoming involved with me. Oh how I so regret it now.
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Yea, I was the rebound guy. She had only been out of the relationship with her ex (who's shes back with now) for maybe a month. Between us it was HOT and Heavy for 7 out of 10 months,then when our "honey moon" period ended things slowly changed. Now I realize I was her "emotional bandaid" because she had never gotten over her ex, was still in love with him and never had her time to heal before becoming involved with me. Oh how I so regret it now. That's the crap thing about being the rebound, you care for them and you have to deal with the hurt when the rebounder realises they don't care for you (as much as their ex). Did you really have the honey moon period for 7 months? Sure this wasn't just her attempt to prove to herself she could love someone else and make another relationship work with someone else? Can you explain how her behaviour changed?
mike588 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Maybe it was only about 6 months, regardless of a month or two. In an email to me shortly after being dumped she did say,, she make the mistake of thinking she could easily love me like she loved him and truely thought she was over him. We went from intense passion,, sex 3 times a day to 2 times a day to 1 time a day. We did'nt live together but spent 4 days/ nights together. You know how it is,, after some time things slow down as you get to know each other.I know she did really love me at one time,, just not as much as her ex. Yes I now believe she was trying to prove to herself she could love someone else, good point. Do you think she has any remorse over this? Edited September 6, 2011 by mike588
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Maybe it was only about 6 months, regardless of a month or two. In an email to me shortly after being dumped she did say,, she make the mistake of thinking she could easily love me like she loved him and truely thought she was over him. We went from intense passion,, sex 3 times a day to 2 times a day to 1 time a day. We did'nt live together but spent 4 days/ nights together. You know how it is,, after some time things slow down as you get to know each other.I know she did really love me at one time,, just not as much as her ex. Well from what you've said it surprises me you didn't see you were a rebound, or did you and you thought it could work? I don't mean to sound rude or anything either, but from what i've read this girl shows clear signs of rebounding. Did you have an idea of rebound behaviour whilst with her or not a clue? The fact everything was so intense sounds very much like she was trying to prove her own worth to you and the attention/love you gave her made her feel valid. Also, spending a great deal of time with you helped her to ignore the lingering feelings/thoughts of her ex and her previous relationship. The more time she spent with you and not alone, the more she could feel what she was doing was right. I'm sorry you used you like that, if you believed she loved you at some point then she may well have, I don't know her personally so I can't judge on that. I've been talking to Homebrew and my ex seems to think he loves his rebound just 3 1/2 weeks of being together, Homebrew begs to differ (and I hold his opinions very highly), as do I. I found this on the web, maybe it'll help you with some closure? I found it enlightening and helpful, could help prevent you from being a rebound again in the future too. --- "A rebound relationship is one that begins shortly after the break up of a significant romantic relationship. A person that moves quickly from a painful break up to a new relationship is commonly referred to as being 'on the rebound' or 'rebounding'. A person on the rebound moves on to a new relationship without taking the time to heal from the failure of their previous relationship and the loss of their previous partner. A rebound relationship is often a distraction from the pain of their sorrow and a quick fix for their damaged self-esteem. After a bad break-up a person on the rebound can be in state of emotional turmoil. They may feel great sans at the loss of their previous relationship. They can be angry at their ex for breaking their heart. Their mind is often filled with questions of why their relationship failed and what they could have done to stop the break up. They may also feel precious time was wasted on the failed relationship and feel the need to quickly move on with their life. A person that is rebounding is often carrying a lot of emotional baggage from the break up and previous relationship. while their mind is trying to come to terms with their loss, they can be emotionally very needy. Their life and heart have a gaping whole that was previously filled by their ex. Their previous partner could have also filled much of their time during the week, but now they are alone with time to consider their sorrow. It can be a very lonely time. In the midst of their loneliness and sorrow, a new person comes into their life, their 'rebound'. The rebound ha a ice smile and is interested in them romantically. A person on the rebound will find their attention a wonderful distraction form the pain of the break up and a nice boost to their self-esteem. The rebound finds that their attention is warmly received. As the two start dating, they begin a rebound relationship. The rebounding person finds that their rebound fulfils many of their emotional needs. The rebound empathises ith their new partners plight and offers emotional support. The excitement of the new relationship helps distract the person on the rebound from the thoughts of their recent break up. The rebound relationship provides an opportunity to hide from thoughts of the previous relationship and avoid dealing with the pain of their loss. The person on the rebound finds that their loneliness is replaced with a new companion. A rebound relationship builds up their damages self-esteem and makes them feel attractive and desirable again. The rebound relationship can initially be very satisfying to the rebound. The rebound finds that their attention is longed for and warmly received. They may feel that they turned the rebounding person's life around. They have rescued their new partner from their sorrows and put new joy in their life. That makes the rebound feel great about themselves and the place they have in their new partners life. Unfortunately, a person on the rebound isn't in a healthy state of mind. They are not emotionally in a place to make healthy relationship decisions. They do not really know what they want. They are thinking about the moment not the long term. That often leads a person on the rebound to make a poor choice for a new partner. They are likely to pick someone that meets their short term emotional needs. They often make compromises in a partner or in the relationship that they would not ordinarily make. As time goes by, the rebidding person moves towards a healthier state of mind. As that happens they generally start to reconsider their new partner and the relationship. They often come to the conclusion that the rebound relationship get them through a tough time, but now they are ready to move on with their life. This can be a pretty rough turn of events for the rebound. They go from being critical to their rebounding partner's emotional health and happens, to being no longer needed and cast aside. Getting into a relationship with someone on the rebound is not a sound strategy for finding a long term relationship. A rebound relationship will generally not have a long term future, but instead tend to fall apart as the wounded party heals. A rebound relationship starts with the rebound comforting the other person over their loss, but in the end, the rebound often ends up getting hurt."
mike588 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Very well put. Guess I was blinded by love, should of seen it coming. I do know that she really did love me at one time,, I really know that. Maybe because I took her "pain' away"?? This is her 3rd time back to him. Now that she's had a taste of someone who truely loved her,made her feel special and appreciated, etc.etc. will she "miss that"?? Will she now possibly compare him to me now because of the other two breaks and the above reasons why she broke up with him. (not appreciated, loved etc.) Last question, Do you think she's feeling some type of guilt, remorse, sadness about dumping a great guy?? I can only hope she does, that will help bring some closure/ piece of mind to me on this disaster. Edited September 6, 2011 by mike588
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Very well put. Guess I was blinded by love, should of seen it coming. It happens to everyone. As long as you are now moving past it, not hanging onto hope, you'll soon loose the rose tinted glasses and have a clearer idea of whether this girl is even worth your time a second time around - i don't think so. I do know that she really did love me at one time,, I really know that. Maybe because I took her "pain' away"?? Well again, you know her and I don't. I assume she didn't have the love for her ex in the front of her mind whilst with you, again going back to spending time with you she could 'hide' it away in her mind. The love you say she had for you was there but as she loved you maybe she became more settled with herself and thus, started to see the bigger picture with herself, her feelings and her ex. This is her 3rd time back to him. Now that she's had a taste of someone who truely loved her,made her feel special and appreciated, etc.etc. will she "miss that"?? Will she now possibly compare him to me now because of the other two breaks and the above reasons why she broke up with him. (not appreciated, loved etc.) Now, is that the 3rd time back or 3rd time total? Either way, this girl is a jumper and shows no signs of stopping. Maybe she feels her ex truely loved her and that's why she's gone back to him. She was probably comparing you to him during your relationship and that's why she went back. I don't think she will return to you unfortunetly, but that is a positive in itself. You are much better off without her hun, not now anyway, not till she sorts herself out. She seems very dependent, no one should have someone else complete them, as I have previously said. Last question, Do you think she's feeling some type of guilt, remorse, sadness about dumping a great guy?? She may have those feelings, it's very possible, but she may not feel them in terms of wanting you back. As the article said, she got what she needed from you and now wants to move forward, going to you would be a step backwards.
mike588 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) Thanks so much for that. I look back on it now with with regret, and some anger. Anger towards me for no seeing it coming, Anger towards her for using me. We were friends 25 years ago before we re-connected and I feel that friendship has been betrayed.It helps me get over her faster now knowing all the things we have discussed. God it still hurts to give everything then to be sh*t on. In the email to me I spoke of earlier she went on to say, I was a very great boyfriend, a loving, caring, giving , sweet person and was so sorry for the damage she has caused me and that she was dealing with feelings of,, sadness, loss and grief. I realize now that I wasn't good enough for her and something was missing, I'll never know what is was and don't want to know! Thanks again so much for the reality check. Any final thoughts, comments would be appreciated. Edited September 6, 2011 by mike588
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks so much for that. I look back on it now with with regret, and some anger. Anger towards me for no seeing it coming, Anger towards her for using me. We were friends 25 years ago before we re-connected and I feel that friendship has been betrayed.It helps me get over her faster now knowing all the things we have discussed. God it still hurts to give everything then to be sh*t on. In the email to me I spoke of earlier she went on to say, I was a very great boyfriend, a loving, caring, giving , sweet person and was so sorry for the damage she has caused me and that she was dealing with feelings of,, sadness, loss and grief. I realize now that I wasn't good enough for her and something was missing, I'll never know what is was and don't want to know! Thanks again so much for the reality check. Any final thoughts, comments would be appreciated. No problem. I have had people helping me for the last few weeks and I have taken leaps and bounds in terms of getting over my ex form their advice, I figure I should be paying it forward I don't think your friendship has been betrayed. If I were you I wouldn't try and rebuild it, more it has ended for this reason and that is that. The thing with rebounds is if you're rebounding, you're not in the right frame of mind. Once you break back to reality you can see what you're doing isn't right for you, or the rebound, and you need to end. And yeah, to an extend rebounders have used someone, but not necessarily knowingly or on purpose. This also doesn't mean you have to forgive them, that is totally your choice. I think he email was truthful and her way of apologising, you will never get the answers/apologies/revenge that you want, you have to take what you get and move forward. And when you say you weren't good enough for her, or more not right for her, and something was missing, this is totally right. You were not right for her, but there are plenty of others you are right for and plenty more woman you could have relationships with that aren't rebounds. You have to learn a positive lesson and put it to good use in the future. Now, I of course have my own issues with an ex (or else I wouldn't of found this site) so if you had any free time to read my topics and pass on advice I would also appreciate it. I however prefer more private conversations, one on one keeps me on one train of thought, so my email is katiej.x@gmail.com.au if you don't have a problem talking through there. I hope you are healing from the break up and hopefully will be able to move on with someone else when you're ready.
Scirok Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 In my rebound situation my ex is currently dating a kid she used to s**t on for doing drugs (perks) (heroin) failing out of highschool never getting his license and being white trash. Well guess who she is dating now 2 weeks after are break up.
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 In my rebound situation my ex is currently dating a kid she used to s**t on for doing drugs (perks) (heroin) failing out of highschool never getting his license and being white trash. Well guess who she is dating now 2 weeks after are break up. I don't really understand your post. Explain?
sleepykitten Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Hi Katie x - to answer your questions-my ex husband and i are really good friends, he has been with someone else for a yr and a half and she is pregnant, we see each other maybe once every 5 weeks but speak every week or e mail. I have been split up with the guy i reboundd on for 3 mths we were together 2 yrs. Yes when i was with with him i totally loved him and was attracted to him but how much of that was because i loved how he felt about me and how that made me feel. Interestingly when i first met him i didnt register him at all in fact thinking, nah dont fancy him at all. It was when i knew how into me he was it was like a switch had been flicked. And yes i was very open about how i felt about my ex husband i used to be in tears especially if i was drunk!
sleepykitten Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 My ex boyfriend moved on, met someone 3 days after we split up and was in a relationship with her the following week, he has since said to me "when we split up it was like there was a massive hole and i didnt know what to do, this is like filling that hole" but that was a couple of weeks ago, he spends all his time with her and said it helps him to "heal and is a bit of fun" and its harder when he's on his own. I believe he will be with her a while as she is totally into him constant facbook gushings daily etc apparently and she feeds his ego by all of that and makes him feel like a man, when in reality he is actually a bit spineless still lives at home at 36 and knows he treated me pretty badly at the end. None of which he will face.
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 Yes when i was with with him i totally loved him and was attracted to him but how much of that was because i loved how he felt about me and how that made me feel. Interestingly when i first met him i didnt register him at all in fact thinking, nah dont fancy him at all. It was when i knew how into me he was it was like a switch had been flicked. And yes i was very open about how i felt about my ex husband i used to be in tears especially if i was drunk! Well my ex rebounded into someone who was gushing over him before we'd even finished. He thought it was just friendship (from her end it CLEARLY wasn't) but once I was out of the picture she used her words to twist what happened between him and I to show her as the victim and myself a crazy ex. I really hope he wakes up to her manipulating, selfish behaviour soon...
Author katie.x Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 My ex boyfriend moved on, met someone 3 days after we split up and was in a relationship with her the following week, he has since said to me "when we split up it was like there was a massive hole and i didnt know what to do, this is like filling that hole" but that was a couple of weeks ago, he spends all his time with her and said it helps him to "heal and is a bit of fun" and its harder when he's on his own. I believe he will be with her a while as she is totally into him constant facbook gushings daily etc apparently and she feeds his ego by all of that and makes him feel like a man, when in reality he is actually a bit spineless still lives at home at 36 and knows he treated me pretty badly at the end. None of which he will face. He sounds like he's rebounding quiet clearly... It almost sounds like he's even pointing it out himself...
lessons learnt Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I miss my ex, was a bad ending and still think about him 2 years later. I am with someone new now since. He got together with someone quickly and very intense (he did with me). He had a big thing about having kids and I wanted them too, but he didn't seem to see that I was a person too. Other than just having kids. He's now still in that relationship 18 months later and now having the kids he wants. I am glad he is happy and got what he wanted. Still feel bad that I couldn't be that person as I did have (still do) a love on a deep level. I thought is was a rebound. I had comments form him like never been this happy etc just weeks after being with her. Does make me feel like I meant nothing after all the beutiful things he said and our plans for the future. I have now made a new future for myself and worked on the pass issues of what happen and am a better person because of it.
M2155 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 You know katie.X, I don't mean to sound delusional but when my ex dumped me the description of "rebound" sounds like his situation now. Except like you said being that he went back to his prior girlfriend before me, maybe they had some leftover feelings or realization that they wanted to be together. But it got intense very quickly (we were not that way at all) and we did not deal with our issues- at least not together. I agree Mike sounds588 sounds more like a classic rebound situation. Your ex probably genuinely wanted to move on (as I think mine did) and did not set out to "use" you. But I just feel like you cannot compete with an old flame until they get that out of their system. Unforunately this comes at the expense of another person's feelings.
M2155 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Still feel bad that I couldn't be that person as I did have (still do) a love on a deep level. I thought is was a rebound. I had comments form him like never been this happy etc just weeks after being with her. Does make me feel like I meant nothing after all the beutiful things he said and our plans for the future. I have now made a new future for myself and worked on the pass issues of what happen and am a better person because of it. I feel this too, definitely.
mike588 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Katie, I tryed to send you an email at katiej.x@gmail.com.au but got a error massage,mail not sent.
bluenightowl Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Katie, I tryed to send you an email at katiej.x@gmail.com.au but got a error massage,mail not sent. I would avoid posting your email addresses in this forum. You are really setting yourself up to get spammed.
Misar7 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 My ex of 8 yrs well he wanted kids so did I, I lost a few pregnancies and we were talking of trying again here recently..but I wanted a commitment first, cause at the time he had broken up with me and we were starting to see each other again and he wanted to get me pregnant, I said commitment first, he acted all hurt...one week later he hooked up with some young party girl, he got her pregnant that first week! She is now 6 wks pregnant! Rebound? Or just wanted a baby that bad? Who knows she had just got out of a relationship herself also..they have now both just dived in head first into a full blown relationship with a baby on the way all in a matter of one month!
Portisphish Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Wow misar. You really dodged a bullet there, huh? It disgusts me how so many people (my ex wife included) bring kids into this world. Selfishness runs rampant.
lessons learnt Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Misar I feel you pain and know how that feels. Because we were having problems, me having alarm bells about what his love was for me, like him wanting a baby so bad and not getting through to him that we both needed to sort out other problems first. He was bad with money and I was helping him pay for his house so he could look at his debts. I guess I wanted him to man up a bit and look at beyond just bringing a life into the world with problems that would effect everyone. I think I wanted to build a nest as they say. He didn't want to even think about that, just we both needed to have a baby. It was then I seemed to distance myself with confusion about his level of love for me. I know this didn't help matters as this led to him thinking that I was having affairs with other people. God with even a male friend I have know since high school (am in my 30's) I know he had a relationship long before me and the ex GF got rid of the baby because they were having problems. i think it maybe had something to do with his thinking that a baby will be the answer to all his problems and emotional happyness. Beening called a waste of 3 years to him etc hurt me then telling me he loved me even after being with new girl for 4 months. He told me to never contact him again and I haven't that was more than a year ago. I just hope he's sorted out his issues for the sake of his new family on the way. Misar I hope this for your ex too, if they don't they will find out for themselves that later when the baby has come and that every day life. That even though they have the baby, their will be something still missing such as a deep love and connection with another person to share the experiance of bringing up a child in the world. It is our right Misar to make a nest and have that security for a life changing and wonderful experiance.
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