confusedan Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 finally got to the bottom of this and this is one time i wish i wasn't right, but h did have an A with the chick from work.. but I am just in total shock, not sure how I will sleep and it is already after 3:00am...
magnus mateo Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Your intuition was right. I'm sorry. Hopefully, the two of you can get past this horrible situation.
Author confusedan Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 i have slept maybe 20 minutes and the baby will be waking anytime. I am scared though, I went over the call log and I see my h was calling her all the time and i am only seeing calls since 6/15 when we switched plans. He claims the physical affair ended in June, but from the calls there was at least emotional affair going on until I started getting wind of the situation. I see big patterns and I am honestly disguisted with this situation. He told me I deserved it because I nag him too much...I am unsure of my future right now...I don't think I can ever look at him the same after saying that to me. I talked to her and she backs up the story though who knows they could have collaborated prior to me finding out. I do know he stopped calling her and blocked her texts in the last 2 weeks (since i found the second box of condoms)...I don't know if there is any hope for this marriage, but if we don't work it out, my 5 year old is going to have the biggest heartbreak of us all. At least the baby doesn't know what is going on. H has already been looking at places to move, and after I broke his phone (after he said i deserved to be cheated on) I don't think there is any hope for this marriage..
bentnotbroken Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 i have slept maybe 20 minutes and the baby will be waking anytime. I am scared though, I went over the call log and I see my h was calling her all the time and i am only seeing calls since 6/15 when we switched plans. He claims the physical affair ended in June, but from the calls there was at least emotional affair going on until I started getting wind of the situation. I see big patterns and I am honestly disguisted with this situation. He told me I deserved it because I nag him too much...I am unsure of my future right now...I don't think I can ever look at him the same after saying that to me. I talked to her and she backs up the story though who knows they could have collaborated prior to me finding out. I do know he stopped calling her and blocked her texts in the last 2 weeks (since i found the second box of condoms)...I don't know if there is any hope for this marriage, but if we don't work it out, my 5 year old is going to have the biggest heartbreak of us all. At least the baby doesn't know what is going on. H has already been looking at places to move, and after I broke his phone (after he said i deserved to be cheated on) I don't think there is any hope for this marriage.. That would be one that I couldn't get past. What is in your heart is what comes out in the heat of the moment. Be aware this is truly how he feels, which means, he has no remorse. Run. There is more heartbreak ahead for you and your 5 year old if you don't find a boundary and stick to it. He can string you and the ow along for as long as it suits him. That's just douchy.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 i have slept maybe 20 minutes and the baby will be waking anytime. I am scared though, I went over the call log and I see my h was calling her all the time and i am only seeing calls since 6/15 when we switched plans. He claims the physical affair ended in June, but from the calls there was at least emotional affair going on until I started getting wind of the situation. I see big patterns and I am honestly disguisted with this situation. He told me I deserved it because I nag him too much...I am unsure of my future right now...I don't think I can ever look at him the same after saying that to me. I talked to her and she backs up the story though who knows they could have collaborated prior to me finding out. I do know he stopped calling her and blocked her texts in the last 2 weeks (since i found the second box of condoms)...I don't know if there is any hope for this marriage, but if we don't work it out, my 5 year old is going to have the biggest heartbreak of us all. At least the baby doesn't know what is going on. H has already been looking at places to move, and after I broke his phone (after he said i deserved to be cheated on) I don't think there is any hope for this marriage.. What an ass. An immature, selfish, dink of a man! He doesn't deserve a chance right now, if ever. He's bailed as your husband and a family man! Fact that he is saying you deserved to be cheated upon is NUTS!! Sadly, it seems you're right ,there's no hope for the marriage, especially since he hasn't shown remorse or sorrow for his selfish choices. Sorry you're hurting.. Ask a friend to come stay with you or your mom, a sister, if possible..
Woman In Blue Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I knew you'd find out eventually or come back to LS the next time you found more damning evidence. Sorry I made the comment about sweeping things under the rug, but I knew there was more and you'd eventually find it. Please don't believe ANYTHING he's coached his OW to tell you. The guy is a horrific liar and wouldn't know the truth if it were shoved up his ass with a jackhammer. No doubt he's already coached his OW on what to tell you if you came looking for answers, so anything she says means squat (just like anything HE says). Regardless of the facetious intent of a certain bitter poster in this thread telling you to "take your husband for everything you can get," you DO need to lawyer up IMMEDIATELY to find out what you can expect. Don't wait around or he'll find a way to hide every asset you both own and leave you penniless. Be SMART.
fooled once Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 i have slept maybe 20 minutes and the baby will be waking anytime. I am scared though, I went over the call log and I see my h was calling her all the time and i am only seeing calls since 6/15 when we switched plans. He claims the physical affair ended in June, but from the calls there was at least emotional affair going on until I started getting wind of the situation. I see big patterns and I am honestly disguisted with this situation. He told me I deserved it because I nag him too much...I am unsure of my future right now...I don't think I can ever look at him the same after saying that to me. I talked to her and she backs up the story though who knows they could have collaborated prior to me finding out. I do know he stopped calling her and blocked her texts in the last 2 weeks (since i found the second box of condoms)...I don't know if there is any hope for this marriage, but if we don't work it out, my 5 year old is going to have the biggest heartbreak of us all. At least the baby doesn't know what is going on. H has already been looking at places to move, and after I broke his phone (after he said i deserved to be cheated on) I don't think there is any hope for this marriage.. First of all, your child will be fine. I divorced my sons father when he was 6. He is now 22 and a very happy, well adjusted young man. So please, do not use your child as an excuse to condone cheating. In many cases, the child actually get more quality time with one parent (usually the father). Dad right now is off screwing another woman. With visitation, he will actually BE WITH his child. Secondly, no one "deserves" to be cheated on. He is trying to shift the blame from himself to you. Unfortunately for him, you cannot control him nor can you make him cheat or not. He has to own his actions. Maybe some time apart would be best for both of you and your children. Kids should not be subjected to a hostile home.
melenkurion Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 He told me I deserved it because I nag him too much...I am unsure of my future right now...I don't think I can ever look at him the same after saying that to me. What an awful awful thing for him to say. You are well rid of him.
speedster Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 first, find a lawyer. normally i would say get some sleep but i know that is impossible right now, having been there myself. it's very important you keep track of any financial moves- in my state it's a violation of court orders to make any major financial moves or expenditures after divorce has been filed. maybe it's th same where you are. everything he says right now will be to either hurt you (revenge for you finding out) or damage control for himself- he is not going to do damage control for the marriage at this point. the lack of remorse is very painful i know. it's maddening for the betrayed. keep your head on straight, believe nothing he says. find an attorney. you can do this. please get some rest, too.
Author confusedan Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 first of all I made a vow to myself to never make such big decisions lightly. And I know he said some hurtful things the other night, but I did wake him and provoked it..I am not excusing it, but he was remorseful when he did confess. This is not some stranger, this is the man that I love, married and vowed to stay with through the good and bad. Like I said I am not choosing to stick with him, even he is uncertain if he wants to remain in the marriage, but I am being open, and if he wants to try MC then maybe we could work things out...I am hurt and devastated, in time I will be able to see the situation more clearly. I do know I don't want to go through this again, but maybe just maybe if he is willing to change and be more transparent than we can get through this. I honestly don't think we're at the point where I need to see a lawyer..He had always been a good provider and I don't see him stashing money or squandering it away as I mentioned I am a SAHM stay at home mom and he is very supportive of that, he knows I cannot support the kids on my own, he loves these kids too much to do something like that. People do make mistakes from time to time, can I get over this one, I don't know just yet.
TurboGirl Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Confused, am sorry that it played out this way. You were right, unfortunately. I would still talk with an attorney so that you are completely aware of the laws where you live, just to be safe. Even if you decide on MC. The fact that he said he had an A because you nag REALLY does not bode well. He sounds pretty immature. He should be kissing your feet, literally, at this point begging forgiveness, don't you think?
y2k Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 First of all, your child will be fine. I divorced my sons father when he was 6. He is now 22 and a very happy, well adjusted young man. So please, do not use your child as an excuse to condone cheating. In many cases, the child actually get more quality time with one parent (usually the father). Dad right now is off screwing another woman. With visitation, he will actually BE WITH his child. Well stated. This is an excellent response here ^^^^ I know it sounds harsh, but the women (and men) who don't want to end a marriage that they're not happy in (especially when there is cheating from the spouse) only because they think the children will be "hurt" give me headaches. Your relationships/marriages/love life/feelings have NOTHING to do with your children. Those are separate things. Plus, logically it's better that children have happy divorced parents rather than two miserable parents at home (which is a ticking time bomb by the way). Getting divorces doesn't hurt children if you know how to communicate with your children. Getting re-married with someone you love doesn't hurt children. In fact, you'd all be shocked at how happy children get when their parents (especially sons for their mothers) find true love, even if that true love is not the father of the children. It's the 21st century. To the original post, there is nothing to fix. Your husband cheated on you. That's ground enough to end it. Be strong. You could have love elsewhere. But before anything, the healthiest thing is to begin divorcing your husband, and to have time by yourself (and your kids of course). Once you organize yourself and recuperate, you can start your life over again. Maybe you'll find prince charming along the way. You never know. Much luck.
Steen719 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I stayed with my H when he had an affair when my son was 7. I stayed with him; he asked, seemed remorseful and I wanted my son to have his dad...and people make mistakes, right? 14 years later and after supporting him through severe health problems and going into huge debt...he started looking around again..even talking to the woman he had the affair with 14 years ago (among lots of other things). I am divorcing him and he is doing his best to take me to the cleaners. I am trying every day to believe that I did the right thing by my son, but I could not honestly tell you that I did. It could have gone the other way, I guess, as some relationships do survive infidelity, but I know I wouldn't be sitting here worrying about how I am going to make it financially if he tries to take everything from me, if I had left him when my heart told me to go. You have to do what you have think is best, but I would sure give some thought to what your life will be like if someone who "loves" you lies to you so easily and can talk to you the way he did. Best to you.
Woman In Blue Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Unfortunately, when you choose to be a SAHM and give up being financially independent, you give up most of your options right along with it. Just because you don't currently have a job doesn't mean you can't GET one and support your kids. Good luck to you with your choices.
Author confusedan Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 so it's been a couple months, I am taking the six month wait out period atm, though there have been a few times at least in the past couple months where D seemed liked the only option. on both our parts. I have started looking into going back to school I am making plans for the future, the future that is currently in limbo. While WH and I have been together still for the most part, there has been lying about the duration of the A, and other things here and there. We haven't started any C, WH is not interested atm. I have been hanging out on another board dealing with these problems. I have been doing some reading about RECONCILIATION, but have also contacted a lawyer about D. I am in limbo, working through my issues, his issues, our issues, but mostly just stuck in survival mode for now.
Author confusedan Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 I knew you'd find out eventually or come back to LS the next time you found more damning evidence. Sorry I made the comment about sweeping things under the rug, but I knew there was more and you'd eventually find it. Please don't believe ANYTHING he's coached his OW to tell you. The guy is a horrific liar and wouldn't know the truth if it were shoved up his ass with a jackhammer. No doubt he's already coached his OW on what to tell you if you came looking for answers, so anything she says means squat (just like anything HE says). Regardless of the facetious intent of a certain bitter poster in this thread telling you to "take your husband for everything you can get," you DO need to lawyer up IMMEDIATELY to find out what you can expect. Don't wait around or he'll find a way to hide every asset you both own and leave you penniless. Be SMART. you were right, he did coach her, they wanted me to believe the A was just a couple months, it was really over a year and a half. I didn't believe. I honestly only stopped digging because my H's parents came into d\ town, the more i dug, the more i found. It is insane. I still wonder if there are more OW's out there, I, for my own sanity have assumed there are and decided to stop turning over every rock, it was getting to be too much. The photos, the lies, the multiple email accounts, the list goes on and on. When I see the bad stuff lined up, I am shocke I am still here. I guess I just need time, and maybe I am acting a fool, but I am giving him a second chance, I haven't really set out and made a checklist of how to go about this, I am honestly just coming back to a seminormal place, able to eat, sleep and think.
Spark1111 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I am sorry for your pain and I understand how helpless and hopeless it can feel to have no resources at your disposal and two babies to care for too. It feels like there is no other option but to stay. You have a right to decide not to decide for now. But please envision your future, whether it be one year, three years or five years from now and start making it happen for you today. Can you imagine more of the same treatment at his hands? Focus on you and do whatever is necessary to empower you; a job, classes, more education....anything and everything that will enable to feel stronger, more confident and allow you to decide your future from a position of strength. Get started today! Make a five-year plan for you!
findingnemo Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 so it's been a couple months, I am taking the six month wait out period atm, though there have been a few times at least in the past couple months where D seemed liked the only option. on both our parts. I have started looking into going back to school I am making plans for the future, the future that is currently in limbo. While WH and I have been together still for the most part, there has been lying about the duration of the A, and other things here and there. We haven't started any C, WH is not interested atm. I have been hanging out on another board dealing with these problems. I have been doing some reading about RECONCILIATION, but have also contacted a lawyer about D. I am in limbo, working through my issues, his issues, our issues, but mostly just stuck in survival mode for now. This makes me sad. These decisions can be so painful and scary but you have to make them. Your H thinks you won't have the guts to leave him. He sounds just like the H of a friend of mine. He won't do MC? Wow. He's arrogant. At least for the moment he's acting that way. My friend eventually left her abusive H...for all of 6 months. He went to IC and started acting like a loving husband. She went back. Are they ok? Not really. His fine self has started making an appearance again. Sometimes we need to analyze why we want what we want. Do you want this M because you still love him even with his flaws? Do you not want a D because you're worried about how difficult life would be for you and the kids? Can you find a way to live with the betrayal? My friend has somehow decided that she'd rather live with the beatings and putting her at gun-point time and again. Her son disrespects her, she's drinking like a fish but she chose to stay and not go through what I'm going through. What does she gain in her view? The latest model Mercedes, expensive holidays and a new house among other things. Having spent 6 months on her own in a rent-free apartment (her gfs me inclusive paid for it), she got to live the life of a single mum and hated it. Your M is not as bad as that. You just have to analyze what it is you want and what you should expect if you stay. People can't change people. He can only change if he decides to. Do you think he may decide to change?
turnera Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Did you at least demand that he give you the passwords to his phone and computer so you can see if he has stopped?
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