bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) If you are seeking a LTR and have very clear goals of what you want in a person, do you care if you have sex while seeking that goal? For many it seems once they have sex, they immediately want to be exclusive regardless if this person meets their goals for a LTR or not (if they have any at all) Do we put that chemistry above our own requirements for long lasting relationship? Should we? Or çan you simply enjoy the night of sex, but keep your eye firmly on looking for that LTR and your criteria.? Edited September 4, 2011 by bluenightowl
Zaphod B Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I don't see why not. I am very serious about finding a LTR. That doesn't mean I'm going to save myself for that person. It's a tricky game finding the right match and can take a while. Why not have a little fun along the way, just as long as you're not hurting anyone.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I don't see why not. I am very serious about finding a LTR. That doesn't mean I'm going to save myself for that person. It's a tricky game finding the right match and can take a while. Why not have a little fun along the way, just as long as you're not hurting anyone. But what if the person you had sex with has that potential to be a LTR? Would you continue to date others until you were sure?
Zaphod B Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 But what if the person you had sex with has that potential to be a LTR? Would you continue to date others until you were sure? No, I can't do that. If I'm having sex with someone I can't date anyone else. I'd feel wrong about that. I've been in a situation before where I was dating three women, but when I settled on one that I really liked, I had to let the other two go. I just couldn't lead anyone on and couldn't see someone behind the other's back. It just goes against my principles and morals.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 If you are seeking a LTR and have very clear goals of what you want in a person, do you care if you have sex while seeking that goal? For many it seems once they have sex, they immediately want to be exclusive regardless if this person meets their goals for a LTR or not (if they have any at all) Do we put that chemistry above our own requirements for long lasting relationship? Should we? Or çan you simply enjoy the night of sex, but keep your eye firmly on looking for that LTR and your criteria.? You can probably predict what my answer will be. I try to put off full-blown sexual activity until I know there is a reasonable chance of a LTR. Was thinking the term 'exclusive' doesn't have much relevance to me, because I only 'date' one guy at a time. If I'm 'dating' him, then I'm, by default, exclusive. I just won't sleep with him until I'm sure he is too... despite all the heat-of-the-moment promises. My track record is pretty good that way. 3 out of 4 men I 'dated' in the past 20 years ended up in marriage, engagement (he died, doesn't count), or a proposal. So, I guess I'm doing ok picking them. ... and now that I mention it, I think I'm glad I said 'no' to the proposal, after what happened last night (but that story is for a different time )
Author bluenightowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 You can probably predict what my answer will be. I try to put off full-blown sexual activity until I know there is a reasonable chance of a LTR. Was thinking the term 'exclusive' doesn't have much relevance to me, because I only 'date' one guy at a time. If I'm 'dating' him, then I'm, by default, exclusive. I just won't sleep with him until I'm sure he is too... despite all the heat-of-the-moment promises. My track record is pretty good that way. 3 out of 4 men I 'dated' in the past 20 years ended up in marriage, engagement (he died, doesn't count), or a proposal. So, I guess I'm doing ok picking them. ... and now that I mention it, I think I'm glad I said 'no' to the proposal, after what happened last night (but that story is for a different time ) That's sounds like a good policy. I'm starting to see how sex clouds or impairs the potential for an amazing relationship especially is it starts casual with people dating multiple people. It really does make me question the concept of online dating. I know some of those sites have advisors that encourage dating many people at the same time. There might not be anything inherently wrong with a few coffee dates, but I do wonder if most people can handle the heated situations that result in sex while casually dating other people, all the while they are trying to find a LTR. Looking forward to the story!
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I know some of those sites have advisors that encourage dating many people at the same time. People really need to think twice about taking advice from the advisors on the dating sites. They are, after all, there to make money. It is in their best interest to keep people coming back...
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 but I do wonder if most people can handle the heated situations that result in sex while casually dating other people, all the while they are trying to find a LTR. I'm sure I could learn to handle it if I really wanted to... but why would I want to?? Seems like alot of hassle to go through for a person who a) is indecisive perhaps b) likely has commitment/bonding issues for whatever reason. naa. I'd rather spend my time checking more items off of my bucket list... like learning how to play the guitar or piano finding that dream opportunity in Europe getting my arabesques reliably above 90 degrees ... but I'll admit, I DO get tempted to slip back into my 'old' ways once in awhile.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 People really need to think twice about taking advice from the advisors on the dating sites. They are, after all, there to make money. It is in their best interest to keep people coming back... Indeed, and some of advisors are Dr.'s This could be a whole other thread, but since I started this thread, their basic argument is something like you need to date as many people as possible to narrow down to who is the right person for you. Again, I still think a few casual coffee dates at the same time is completely fine ,but people then go off and have sex, have another date lined up, then there are new profiles to look at, conversations that are leading to potential dates. Perhaps the best analogy is a soap opera. a new plot brewing while the old plot is ending. By the time the old plot ends, its kinda boring because the new is just starting. This just makes it that much harder for a person to decide what to do, who to life and date.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 ... but I'll admit, I DO get tempted to slip back into my 'old' ways once in awhile. we are only human and sometimes risk taking can be fun if we are prepared that it might not work out the way we hoped and when it does, how wonderful.
surferchic Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) You can probably predict what my answer will be. I try to put off full-blown sexual activity until I know there is a reasonable chance of a LTR. Was thinking the term 'exclusive' doesn't have much relevance to me, because I only 'date' one guy at a time. If I'm 'dating' him, then I'm, by default, exclusive. I just won't sleep with him until I'm sure he is too... despite all the heat-of-the-moment promises. My track record is pretty good that way. 3 out of 4 men I 'dated' in the past 20 years ended up in marriage, engagement (he died, doesn't count), or a proposal. So, I guess I'm doing ok picking them. ... and now that I mention it, I think I'm glad I said 'no' to the proposal, after what happened last night (but that story is for a different time ) good practice. For those of us who have made the mistake of having sex only once, but before we wanted it to happen, can we redeem ourselves? Can you "start over"and regain clarity? Edited September 5, 2011 by surferchic
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